Chapter Five: Goodbye's are not Forever

Ren sat in his bedroom, knees up under his chin and tears streaming down his cheeks. He rocked back and forth a little, in an attempt to calm himself down, but it wasn't working. His mind wandered back to that very evening. To Haruto. That kiss. That wasn't how their first kiss was supposed to go. In fact, he had thought about their first kiss so often, and that definitely was not it.

"H-Haruto…" he hiccupped, his voice coming out all low and croaky.

He wanted him so badly. So, why couldn't he have him? He heard Reiko's bedroom door open quietly, and he heard her tiptoeing down the hallway. He squinted, even though his bedroom door was closed, and she couldn't see him. It was all her fault. She had taken him from him. Ren's facial features softened, realizing how childish he was being. He wiped the tears away from him eyes. It wasn't Reiko's fault; she had just fallen for the same charm Ren had.

He heard the front door opening and then clicking shut. He raised a brow, curious as to where she was going. Perhaps she was going out to see someone and hadn't wanted her parents to know about it? Maybe even Haruto. He closed his eyes, a few droplets of tears falling onto his lap. He had no right to take Haruto from her. He would have to pay Haruto a visit and explain this to him. That it was over – and he was going to leave him alone.

Those thoughts sent shooting pains through the young male's heart, but he knew it was what he had to do. He had to be a man, no more Haruto. No more heartache. He would find a boy who loved him back, someone better and then he would come out to his mother and father and Reiko. They would probably be disappointed since he was the only son – but he was not about to deny himself a life of truth.

He decided to sleep then. Though he couldn't really do so. In the end, he got up and sat on his windowsill, staring out. He spotted a couple who were walking their dog, they lived two doors down. He smiled sadly, watching them laugh and poke one another. They were married just last year, and he started to wonder what married life would look like for him. Could he ever get married? Probably not. It was a nice thought, though.

Haruto entered his mind once again. Had Haruto ever loved Reiko? Or was she just what he had implied back then, someone he married because he HAD to? Why did he have to? Not many people HAD TO get married – especially Haruto, considering his parents were dead. According to Reiko, his father died when he was nineteen of a heart attack and his mother died when he was twenty-seven from lung cancer. Apparently once his father left her, she started smoking heavily. You would think that would be enough to make Haruto quit. Though it wasn't. A thought entered Ren's mind then – maybe Haruto wanted to die?

He shook his head. Haruto was too bigheaded and full of himself to want to die. Or was he? He glanced over at his chest of drawers, where his school uniform was neatly folded. He was debating stopping by Haruto's home, but he probably had that girl over. Maybe they were even having sex. Ren didn't want to be a nuisance. He knew he always made Haruto angry and that he was a nuisance to him, but something told him to keep trying anyway. Until that kiss.

While it felt amazing, and it had all the right emotions attached to it once they actually locked lips, Haruto had been angry at him beforehand. He still could not understand why. Haruto claimed to be straight, yet he was angry to see him with Susy, and then kissed him. Why? He was just as confused as ever about the situation. He laid back down in bed, and about an hour later drifted off, only waking up when Reiko returned home at three in the morning. He wondered where she had been, and secretly hoped it was not to see Haruto before he fell asleep once more.

The next evening after school, he took the train to Haruto's neighborhood. It was a well off residential neighborhood, much like his own but even more so. He stood outside Haruto's house for a good five minutes before he knocked on the door. Nobody answered, and just as he turned to walk away, the door swung open. He turned around quickly, only to be greeted by someone that wasn't Haruto. The man's face looked familiar, but he could not put his finger on where they had met.

"Ah ~ Ren, isn't it?" the male smiled cheekily. Ren raised a brow.

Is Haruto in?" he questioned.

"Nah. He's not home from work yet" he replied, "don't you remember me, kiddo?"

"Kind of. I know I've seen you somewhere" Ren said casually. The man pouted.

"I'm Usami Hakaru. Haruto's older brother."

"Ah. Yes."

"You don't look so impressed to see me now that you know who I am" Hakaru chuckled.

"That's because you were not very kind to me the first time we met."

"I do apologize. My brother was always going on about how much you two hated each other."

"Mm."

Hakaru gazed into Ren's eyes for a few moments.

"I get what he sees in you, though. You're a cutie."

Ren's cheeks darkened. "W-what? Haruto doesn't like me."

"I beg to differ. My brother is a dunce, he can't see what everyone else around him can see."

"Which is?"

"He's as straight as a bendy ruler."

Ren wasn't sure how to respond. So, Hakaru thought that Haruto was interested in him and was gay? This made things even more complicated for the youngster.

"Want to get something to eat with me?" Hakaru asked him casually. Ren's eyes flickered from the pavement to him. He thought about how mad Haruto would be if he found out, but he nodded anyway.

"Sure."

"Awesome. Let me put my shoes on."

Hakaru did just that and locked Haruto's front door. He started to walk by Ren's side down the street. He told him he would take him to his favorite place to eat. Ren agreed. To his utter dismay – it turned out to be the same place he had encountered Haruto on his date. He tried so hard not to look down the side of the restaurant where they had kissed. It made him sad to think about it.

They entered the restaurant anyway, Ren not uttering a single word until they were seated and staring at their menus. Hakaru was the first to speak.

"How do you think my little brother would react if he knew we were on a date?"

A date?" Ren asked, blinking at him above the menu. Hakaru rolled his eyes.

"Come on. Obviously, this is a date."

But you never specified that, so not really" Ren explained. Hakaru rolled his eyes again.

"Life is too short to ask these types of questions, kiddo. Tell me, what's a young cutie pie like yourself looking for anyway?"

"I'm not looking for anything" he told him.

"So, you don't want to date Haruto?"

"No. I went to his home to tell him that" Ren said, his eyes trailing back to the menu in his small hands.

"Are you a virgin?" Hakaru asked, ignoring his previous statement. Ren blushed deeply.

"That's – none of your concern!" he exclaimed, embarrassed.

"So, you are. I can help with that. I was a virgin until I was twenty-two, and I know it's a Burdon."

Ren coughed nervously.

"I'm fine with it" he insisted. He wasn't really, but he wasn't just going to give his virginity to Haruto's brother.

"It'll make Haruto jealous."

Haruto…

"Why would I want to do that?" Ren asked him, "I told you, I don't want him anymore."

LIES.

"You're a bad liar, kiddo. Come home with me, I'll play with you a little bit and then we can tell Haruto all about it. We don't have to have sex."

Ren pursed his lips. A tempting offer. Two birds – one stone. He would get some sexual experience, and Haruto would be jealous. The guy was smart enough. Though he couldn't understand why an older brother would want to do this to his younger brother.

"Okay then" he said automatically. Hakaru smirked, not looking up from his menu as the waitress approached them.

"Good boy."

Ren ate his dinner slowly, nervously. As they approached Hakaru's house an hour later, he started to shake and feel sweaty. Hakaru noticed and held his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"It's okay" he reassured him, "it'll feel good."

Ren was aware of that. Though since the moment he met Haruto, he had wanted his first time to be with him. All those pleasurable feelings that he would feel belonged to Haruto. Just Haruto – until now. Would this backfire? Would Haruto feel jealous, but then decide to kick Ren out of his life for good? Would this hurt him?

"Why are you doing this?" Ren suddenly asked him. Hakaru seemed to tense up for a couple of seconds. Ren figured he did have a reason in mind, though he wasn't sure he would tell him the truth.

"It's payback."

"Uhm…" Ren wasn't sure what to say. This was starting to look like even more of a bad idea.

"Haruto hit on a girl I was in love with back in high school. Took her from me and deflowered her in the next room while I sat in my bedroom crying."

His eyes filled with anger. Ren felt guilty, but he wasn't about to help him get revenge on Haruto.

"I don't think I should come with you," Ren said shakily, "I mean, I'm so sorry that he did that to you but my first time is supposed to be special."

"I told you, we're not going to have sex" Hakaru said to him, "I wouldn't do that to someone. I'm not him."

"I think you need to let it go" Ren said quietly. People were looking at them holding hands and it made him feel slightly uncomfortable, so he slipped his hand away.

"Let what go?"

"The fact that he did that to you. Maybe he didn't know you liked her."

"I guess he didn't."

"Then what's the problem? I'm sure he wouldn't have done it if he knew you loved her."

Hakaru's face softened as he realized Ren was telling the truth.

"You're right. I'm stupid."

He rubbed at his face with his hands.

"I've texted Haruto."

"What?!" Ren exclaimed.

"He's outside my apartment complex right now. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to get back at him but that was dumb and now you might be in trouble with him."

Ren's heart was racing from fright and anger. He wasn't sure what to do or say. A part of him wanted to slap Hakaru, the other wanted to see Haruto. The latter need won, and he decided to stay on the train with Hakaru, neither accepting nor rejecting his apology. The pair stood in silence and then hopped off the train together.

As they turned the corner passed the station, Ren noticed Haruto standing outside, phone out texting somebody. He hoped and prayed it wasn't Reiko or something. Maybe it was his date. Jealously bubbled up inside of him. He looked so calm, not like someone who had just received whatever text Hakaru sent him. He was still in his work suit, but his shirt was lazily pulled out of his pants and his tie was looser. Like he had just been getting undressed, saw the text and hurried out. His face said otherwise. He looked up from his phone and frowned. Hakaru just walked past him and entered the apartment complex. Haruto stared after him with anger in his eyes, but Hakaru didn't even look at him. Maybe out of anger or shame, Ren wasn't sure.

Ren stood in front of Haruto. Haruto glared down at him, like he wanted to slap and kiss him at once.

"You had me worried" he finally said, a hint of anger and annoyance in his voice. There it was. The same tone he always used with Ren; the tone that let Ren know just how useless he was to him.

"I'm sorry…" Ren replied stiffly, "I didn't mean to worry you."

"You were seriously going to sleep with Hakaru? Are you that easy?" Haruto scolded. Ren shook his head.

Haruto stared angrily at him for a moment, then sighed.

"I'll bring you home. Come on."

"That's not a good idea. I'll go home myself."

"Ren, your house is practically the other side of the city. Please."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Of course I care. I don't want to be responsible when some thug mugs you."

He started to walk in the direction of the station, brushing against Ren's shoulder as he passed him. Ren felt the tears welling in his eyes, but he followed close behind him.

Haruto turned and looked at Ren, just as a tear fell onto the ground.

"Shit…" Ren whispered, wiping at his eyes but now that one had fallen the rest fell uncontrollably. Haruto watched him with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, Haruto" he sobbed, "I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

"Ren, I don't hate you."

"You do!" Ren cried harder, "you hate me so much. I'm sorry I made you feel that way about me. I was just trying to win you over."

"Win me over? By sleeping with my brother?"

Ren wiped his eyes some more with his jumper sleeve.

"I – I wasn't going to have sex with him."

"Then?"

"Maybe kiss him and touch him, that's all."

"Ren. Sex is a serious thing; you shouldn't just do it with anyone. Even kissing and touching."

"But you do it. Hakaru told me so."

"Hakaru told you so, so you believe it immediately? I've made mistakes, Ren. Both sexually and otherwise, and while I learned from them over time – I want to avoid that pain for you. So, I am telling you from experience, your virginity is precious. Keep it for the one who loves you."

"Nobody loves me."

"Someone will, someday."

That broke Ren's heart, but he nodded and started to walk past Haruto. Haruto followed him, soon catching up to him.

"Ren, stop crying."

"I can't."

"People are watching us."

"I don't care."

"Ren come here."

Ren looked up for a split second to see Haruto looming over him, and before he knew it, his face was pressed against Haruto's broad chest. He gasped, feeling the older man's warmth around him like a protective shield. They didn't talk, he just held him and held him for a few minutes. Ren hated the thought of having to let go. His tears dampened Haruto's shirt, and he reached behind him and gripped onto the back of his blazer, hugging him just as tightly. He could hear Haruto's heart beating quickly, and he was sure Haruto could hear his too.

"I'm sorry, Ren."

"For what?" Ren hiccupped.

"For breaking your heart" Haruto replied, "you'll get your happily ever after someday."

Ren's heart hurt even more at those words. A gentle rejection. This hug was a bittersweet goodbye.

Haruto went to break the hug, but Ren pulled him back down.

"No…" he whispered, his voice broken and sad.

"Just a little while longer. I'm not ready yet."