th Chapter

Chapter Title: [Y'all bitches - Touch Grass! Chad's Enthusiastic Sermon Erupts!]

"I wanna squeeze some boobs…" A young boy with brown hair said as he was staring at the clouds above.

"Seconded." A squinty-eyed skinhead boy, laying on the grass beside the first, chipped in.

"Stop saying that, or I'll need to resume counselling." A Specky boy with black hair lazily remarked.

"Hey Matsuda, Motohama," The first boy sat upright and continued, "Why is it that we enrolled here?"

"Kuoh Academy, the most famous school in our town, with a notoriously hard entrance exam but a minuscule dropout rate." The skinhead started explaining.

"Split into primary, high school and college divisions, it is pretty much designed to pave the road for a smooth education." Specky added.

"Although you gotta figure out middle school yourself, once you're in the high school division you have a guarantee unconditional offer for college. And not just any college, but one of the best in the whole country!" The skinhead got heated as he explained.

"And?" The brown haired boy lazily dismissed all that.

"And? And! And before last year, the high school division used to be girls-only!" Skinhead stood up with a fluster.

"This untapped paradise of hormonal teenage girls locked behind red tape and bureaucracy was finally unleashed on the world!" Specky joined his overly excited friend.

"Not to mention, since it has only been a year since the school went co-ed, the ratio of male to female students is skewed to shit!" Brownie burst out screaming, with stars in his eyes.

"THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL SINGLE!" All Three Stooges shouted at once.

And in unison once more, all three deflated like the Hindenburg, their asses planting themselves firmly back down.

"This sucks, we should be spending our time experiencing any and all debauched whim with young horny girls every day…" Skinhead was practically crying at this point.

"I've got a peer reviewed study right here, that says—" A deep, manly voice to the side interrupted the depressive talk of the three boys.

Startled, they looked over at the source. A man they were all too familiar with, squatting in the shade of a sakura tree, reading something off a clipboard.

"Tsk, it says you're all pussies." He looked down at them.

"Er, Sensei? Did… Did you hear that?" The brown haired one asked sheepishly.

"All I heard was a bunch'o bitches whining like you got an ant's nest up your arse." Chad stood and walked over to the trio.

"Look at youse, pathetic, no wonder you can't get any skirt."

The boys wouldn't dare challenge that claim, as much as they wanted to. If it was anyone else, maybe, but not this guy. They learned that already.

All they could do was stare at the ground in indignation.

Suddenly, the brown haired youth felt a hand on his head. He looked at the burly man squatting next to him, tall enough to eclipse the sun.

"Honestly…" Chad sighed, ready to impart some long awaited wisdom upon these poor lost souls, "'Aight kids, you need to listen up."

The boys, in total awe of the giant, straightened their backs whilst facing forward on their knees, ready for Chad's Sermon.

"You're going about this all wrong; instead of sitting on your asses all day watching, to be frank, shitty pornos and simply hoping to get some bitches, you need to get out there!" Chad raised his fist to the sky, as if calling upon the sun itself to back up his argument - and so it did.

A ray of light beamed down upon Chad, illuminating his visage in an ethereal manner. Worthy of Chadhalla's patriarch.

"Y-y-you don't get it! It's hard getting out there when you're classed as a pervert!" Specky stuttered, knowing his life had been pointless so far.

"Y-y-yeah! Plus the chicks will never accept us 'getting out there'" The skinhead piped up.

"Really? In that case, fuck 'em"

"Eh" x3

"You serious?" Chad asked again in exasperation, silently muttering; "Are all kids these days this retarded?"

Although meaning to be quiet, this is Chad we're talking about, if it isn't loud and boisterous is it really him?

Matsuda, visibly enraged, finally had enough slander for one day and decided to confront Chad man to man.

He sprung up wanting to say something; yet without uttering a word Chad grabbed his right leg, yanked it hard, and sent him back down.

"Sit down. Shut up. Watch." Chad strode off from the helpless group towards the school yard.

Stopping in the middle of the yard, arms akimbo, he looked around for some prey.

Barely 20 seconds later, he found a target and walked briskly towards a youngish looking teacher

"There's no way, right?" Specky started sweating. The other two were silent and transfixed on what they were seeing.

They saw that teacher startled at the mere sight of him, a quick exchange ensued, followed by that teacher running away with a red face.

Chad nonchalantly walked back to the trio, flashing a piece of paper with a phone number in hand.

"See, easy." Chad squatted back down,

The three boys looked at him with their mouths hanging wide open.

"H-how?" Issei was visibly shaking.

"Bravado, confidence, no fear of rejection, work ethic. Such is the Chad grindset." Chad continued his lecture, "Think about it, the worst they can say is no."

He pointed at Matsuda after stowing the phone number away, "Your turn."

"Now?"

"Did I stutter?"

"NO SIR!"

Matsuda got up and fixed his uniform a little. Looking towards the sports field, he saw a couple girls playing softball.

Swallowing hard, he worked up his courage, and practically ran towards them.

It didn't take long for him to be noticed. From the girls' point of view, they only saw a crazed baldie sprinting towards them with a face that screamed 'I'm about to shit myself'.

Halfway across the track, Matsuda screamed at the top of his lungs with his eyes closed, "Are you good at catching? Cause you got a couple of balls coming your waaaaaaaaaaay!"

"Kyaaaaa!" *WHAM* x9

The spectators on the hill recoiled from the impact.

"Ooft!" Chad whispered.

What transpired was the entire softball team collectively whacking the living shit out of Matsuda with their bats.

He wasn't moving any more.

"See, what did I tell you?" Chad said with a wry grin, "The worst they can say is no."

"Alright, next up, lunch is almost over." He ignored the crestfallen duo and checked his watch.

"SENSEI, HE'S DEAD!" They both screamed at the same time.

"He'll walk it off, nobody told him to jump straight to the harem route."

"…"

"Well? C'mon then, get out there. You, motorboat, your turn."

"C-can I at least get some advice?" Motohama asked meekly.

"Avoid crowds, you gotta corner them," Chad spoke with enthusiasm, "Be direct! And feed them a nice line."

"But Matsuda did—"

"The only butt here will be yours on the grill if you don't get a move on!"

"SIR!"

Thus, another one left for the chopping block.

Jittering across the grounds, Motohama begun scanning the area until finally finding his target.

He slowly and creepily approached her, moving from cover to cover, until he sneaked behind her and cleared his throat.

The girl jumped and snapped her head in the direction of the sound, only to be met with a heavily breathing mong.

"P-p-pick a number between 1 and 10!" Motohama stuttered in front of the 1st year with pigtails.

"Erm- 4." The confused girl took a step back when answering.

"W-wrong, haha, y-you gotta t-take your t–t-t-TOP OFF—!"

"Kyaaaaa!" *CRACK* x2

A swift kick to the nads ended that farce just as quickly as it began.

"Well fuck, usually works…" Chad was getting bored.

"No matter, next up." He looked at a white faced Issei.

2 seconds later and no movement prompted Chad to pick him up himself, in a princess carry, and throw him to the wolves, but—

*BING BONG* x3

"...Saved by the bell, fucking plot armour." He dropped Issei back down on the grass hard.

Issei barely managed to understand what happened, but realising he's been spared, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"You're not out of the woods just yet, sunshine," Chad said making his way to his next class, "I'll make men out of youse, or my name is not Chad Melvin Thundercock."

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The sun was already setting as a dejected youth was making his way back home from school.

"What a day…" A sigh came from the brown haired youth.

"Seriously though, how did Sensei do it?" Muttering to no one in particular, Issei made his way home.

He couldn't help but cringe hard at the impromptu lecture he received today. It took his best mates the good half of an hour to recover from their wounds, and probably another week to recover from the trauma.

Worst still, that scary yankee had his eyes on him now.

"Haah~!" He sighed once more.

Coming across the usual route over the old bridge; Issei was brought to a standstill by a beautiful, black-haired girl donning a uniform he did not recognise.

"A-are you Hyoudou Issei?" The black-haired beauty asked nervously.

'No way… Is she asking me? This girl? ME ISSEI!?' His poor brain was assaulted all of a sudden. Scenarios and fantasies filled his mind like a kaleidoscope.

This is his chance. Now or never.

"E-erm hello? Are you Hyoudou-kun?"

Bringing forth all his courage, he blanked the poor girl to come up with the perfect reply.

"Eh? Is there anyone up the—"

He slowly inhaled, then released a mighty roar!

"... WANNA GO HALF ON A BABY?"

And he flunked it.

After a moment of silence, a disgusted snarl painted the mysterious beauty's face.

"... Vile creature, how dare you!"

*Woosh* x1

Stunned for a mere moment, the only sensation Issei felt was pain; pure agonising pain. Falling backwards as he felt towards his stomach with the little strength he had left.

Blood. Crimson blood. The deep crimson one would expect to signify nobility, is the last thing the boy would see, signalling his untimely demise.

Yet the boy does not think such poetic thoughts, but rather - 'Is this how I die? A virgin? It's a lot more painful than I thought it would be… Sorry mom, dad, I failed you.'

With that, the boy - Hyoudou Issei, the would be Red Dragon Emperor, died.

Perhaps if the tides of fate were flowing in a different direction, the youth would have somehow survived the encounter and risen up as the new hero of the world… But it was not to be.

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*BING BONG* x3

"Araki… Toriyama… Kiryuu… Hyoudou…" A bespeckled youth doing attendance called out in class, looking towards his friend's seat by the window, "Issei?"

"I guess he's absent," Not thinking too much about the absence, the boy carried on with registration.

After seeing him the day before, Motohama did not notice anything wrong with his friend, but perhaps the boy had fallen ill overnight; who was he to say.

"Hm?"

Yet someone took notice.

"Damn, skipping school? Not on Chad's watch!"

Absolutely livid that any one of his prodigies would dare skip school, Chad prepared to storm out the room and pick the sorry sod up himself.

Standing up swiftly, Chad silenced the room mid-registration. Peering over his prized aviators to stare at the specky kid he left to do his job; "You're in charge, don't fuck it up."

"Yes Sir!" The enthusiastic battle cry from the lowlife drowned out the groans of dismay from his fellow classmates.

Simply nodding in response, Chad made his way to the faculty office. Surely the kid called in to say why he was absent, right?

'Or maybe…'

Chad grinds to a halt.

"… He's embarrassed!" Chad's boisterous chorus boomed through the halls.

Chad's sermons were not for the weak-minded, for this was the path of the Chad grindset - One must bury their fears and embarrassment to seek ultimate glory and poontang!

'That's gotta be it!' Chad sighed in relief, perhaps deep down he sympathised with the boy; for rejection can leave a deep wound in the heart; but perhaps it would be more fitting to say the stomach…

Carrying on his journey regardless to see what pathetic excuse the kid made up; Chad made it to the office, opening the door and striding over to the dazed secretary, who could not miss the behemoth enter.

Picking up the absence notes for the day, Chad snorted, 'This should be a right laugh.'

But after flicking through all the notes.

"Huh?" A confused exhale came from Chad as he finished reading through the day's absences.

"'ere love, you get any notice from the Hyoudous?"

"E-erm I don't recall anything Sandakokku-sensei…" The secretary snapped out of her daze, yet the slight bit of pink on her cheeks was still evident.

"That so? Shame." Shrugging his shoulders, Chad was ready to wash his hands of the situation and simply kick Hyoudou's ass next time he sees him.

"A-ah! Wait, Sandakokku-sensei! How could I forget, the boy's parents contacted the school last night… apparently the boy didn't return home from school…" The secretary looked as if she doubted her own words.

"What…?" Chad once again stopped in his tracks.

"A-ah!" The shriek of the secretary resonated through the office, Chad had quickly manoeuvred round the desk that had been separating the two.

Picking up the poor woman by her shoulders, Chad imposed himself over her. She could not tell whether to be frightened or aroused… though this was not the time for debates.

"I. Need. Details."

"O-o-okay," the meek reply from the secretary was almost overshadowed by the thumping of her beating heart.

Asking to be put down - nicely might I add - the secretary started going through her files from the day before.

"Y-yes here," handing over the document written in neat handwriting it spelled out the concern for Hyoudou Issei by his parents, who were on the verge of informing the police about their son's disappearance.

"... fuck," Chad cursed, "might have worked too well in that case." What if the moron managed to pull, but got yoinked by a cougar instead.

"S-Sandakokku-sensei?"

"Ah, don't worry about it. I'll fix it." Winking at the young secretary, Chad gave a charming smile.

Blushing furiously, the secretary could do nothing but nod like a pecking chicken.

"'aight no problems, should have enough BDE for this," smirking to himself, Chad looked back at the secretary and said, "Cheers for the help toots, I'll give you a call."

"R-really?!?"

"Too right, I'm a Chad of my word."

Allowing a golden aura to surround himself, Chad concentrated his energy and bent it to his will.

"See you yesterday then," Bringing his hand up, Chad snapped his fingers.

「ᛏᛁᛘᛅ᛫ᚱᛅᚠᛅᚱᛋᛅ」

Runes expanded from Chad's being, merging into a golden ray of light.

The golden light exploded from Kuoh encompassing the world and subsequently the dimensions surrounding the planet.

All-powerful penetrating light took a hold on the concepts of time itself, grinding it to a halt. Some realised the change, if only briefly, before they lost the ability to think.

And just as fast as the phenomenon took its course, it disappeared. Dragging back time with it.

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Chad blinked twice. Moved his messy hair out of the way and looked in the mirror once more.

'Oh yeah… that happened. Will happen?' Chad thought.

Not wasting any more of his precious braincells on the fine print, he continued with his morning routine.

A gallon of hair gel and furious tugging with his brush.

He walked out of the bathroom in his dressing gown and slippers, ready for a cuppa and some brekkie, only to bump into two very dishevelled looking Valkyries.

"Morni-"

"MASTER!" The two girls jumped in his embrace.

"The fuck?" Confused, Chad could only reply thus. While making sure to savour their bodies.

"Did something happen?" Hrund looked into her master's eyes and exclaimed, voice filled with worry.

"Eh? Well it was a bit of a violent shit but nothing to be worried about." Chad was recounting his earlier bathroom experience.

"Not that," Geirfingr cut in, "We sensed your BDE signature, everywhere!"

"Oh that, yeah turned back time innit."

"WHAT!? Who could cause you to do such a thing?" Hrund was on the verge of tears by now.

They both looked at him, their faces filled with worry and anxiety.

"Well, it was like this…" Chad went on to explain tomorrow's events and his actions.

With every passing sentence, the mood turned from panic to grim.

Chad concluded his story with a big victorious grin, wholly unaware of the mood shift of the two.

"Hrund, lock the door." Geirfingr ordered her sister coldly.

"Mhm!" The boyish lass acknowledged with a chipper tone.

"Lock what now?" Chad was confused at the lack of praise for his heroic deeds.

"Master~" Geirfingr looked down at him with dangerous eyes, "How much energy do you have left~?"

"Hmmm, lemme che– nothing." Chad stated very matter-of-factly.

"Fufufu, thought so~" Geirfingr giggled, "And how much effort do you think we put into harnessing that much power?"

She started cracking her knuckles, and a chill ran down Chad's spine.

"W-w-wait a second! We can talk this out! Geir? Honey? Love!" Chad was hit with the realisation he fucked up hard.

"Oh nyo? I have a better idea, my love." Geirfingr grabbed both of Chad's ears and pulled him up to her eye level.

"Please just… just don't go for the hair!" Chad pleaded.

"Discipline time~!"

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