Not over it

POV

Millie

X walks away towards the bedroom leaving me to go back into mental overdrive again.

It could be nothing, right?

He comes back out, sinfully covered up with a black shirt on now. He walks over to the kitchen pulling something out of a drawer.

Oh. The famous joint..

"Ready?" He asks placing the joint at the top of his ear.

I don't respond I just nod and follow him out the door. We remain voiceless for the walk down to the beach. The silence is killing me but I can't seem to form words with my seized vocal cords.

X sits down on the sand and I sit beside him anxiously awaiting for what he needs to tell me.

"You're breaking up with me aren't you?" I ask, going from seized vocal cords to on-fire ones.

He quickly looks over to me with a seriously confused expression, "What?! No!"

He shakes his head, "You thought this whole time I was going to break up with you?"

"Well..I dunno, maybe, yeah." I say with a lack of confidence, I mean what was I supposed to think? I always go to worst-case scenarios when something feels off.

"Jesus, Millie," he says with a small laugh.

"So then what is it?" I ask not wanting another minute to go by wondering what else it could be.

"Okay, well, as you know I'm down two employees now and I really need another one, like badly.." he says and runs his fingers through his hair looking stressed.

Where is this going..?

I nod my head for him to continue.

"Well, I have found someone…and it's a female." He says the last word eerily slow.

"I know all the shit we just went through, I know you probably hate the idea but I'm desperate for someone babe, I've been doing so much more work on top of all the shit I already do, I'm sorry, it's just that..I'm out of options right now." He says word vomiting his point.

Way to make me feel guilty…

I hate the idea of this. I know what every girl inside and outside of this house thinks of X. No one is even secretive about it, It's like an obsession, hell, I'm part of that club too. I get it, I really do but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. Sure, it's flattering every girl wants my man but at the same time, my jealousy is overwhelming. But another girl working with X? Spending time with him? Traveling with him out of the country? It makes me feel very uneasy. I'm not at a level of trust yet with X for this to be happening, not yet. Everything is still so fresh. I may have forgiven him the best I can but I'm still so freakin hurt by what he did and that doesn't go away overnight, if ever honestly.

"Baby?" He asks rubbing my leg and jolting me away from my downward spiral of negative thoughts.

"Hmm?" I hum out because I just don't know what else to say.

"It's just work, nothing more." He says trying to make me feel better but no matter what he says, it won't.

I nod my head.

"I don't have to do it, I.." he starts off saying but I cut him off instead.

"It's fine," I say dryly and shaking my head.

It's not fine but I've already cost him two good employees and I just don't know what else to say or do. I can't force him to struggle with his job because I'm uncomfortable, even if literally everything about his job makes me uncomfortable. I don't know the half of what this gorgeous man I'm in love with does and to be quite frank, I'd rather be blissfully unaware of that dark side. I know whatever he does is totally illegal and that's as far as I want to know, anything more would just get me dragged into the crossfire.

He lays himself down on the sand, with his arms folded under his head, looking up to the sky, "I'm sorry," he says and I don't know whether he's sorry for the present or the future.

I flick small particles of sand between my thumb and middle finger, getting into deep thought, i look out at the glistening water and think about the likelihood of history repeating itself. I can't go through this kind of heartache again, I can't endure that again.

X senses my off-putting energy and takes ahold of my hand and kisses my knuckles. I look down at him, the evening sun is glistening against his hooped nose ring making it shine from the reflection.

"Come lay with me," he suggests with a rasp in his voice.

I lay down next next to him and he pulls me to his warm body, leaving no space between us, "everything is going to be okay baby I promise, I'd never do that shit again."

I hope not X, I sure fucking hope not.

We lay together on the beach for the next hour, not saying much, just existing in comfortable silence.

My mind has periodically wandered off to different scenarios and it's drifted off to the fourth anniversary of my mama's death, right now I don't know what hurts more. Me walking in on the only man I've ever really been in love with engaging in an orgy with two out of three women I despise? Or thinking about another year passed without my mom but another year closer to being with her again? Yeah..I have an overactive brain.

"Should we go inside? I'm getting tired." He asks after a while.

"You go get some rest, I'm going to head back home," I say.

"Baby, don't go, you can stay with me tonight." He suggests and two hours ago I would've been so down but right now I just want to go home, get curled in bed, and throw myself a pity party.

"Next time," I say with a small smile.

He nods his head and walks me to my car before disappearing into the house.

I leave X's house feeling the polar opposite of my emotions than when I came here. It's been an exhausting day both mentally and physically, all I want to do is drift to sleep and pretend this day didn't happen. Pretend that today X didn't tell me another woman is coming to work for him and pretend it's not literally making me feel sick to my stomach at just the thought of what's to come.