Chapter 24: Spiders

Warning: Cringe ahead

*Some strong language in this chapter, brief suicidal thoughts, and a small bit of blood in this chapter*

I expected something like a punch to the gut. That the words would evoke a full-blown drama scene with hysterical crying and longing and some despair to top it off. But at the moment, all I could say was an anti-climatic "Oh. Okay"

My mind was filled with too much shock and confusion and the desperation to keep denying reality. Keep denying the fact that I was stuck here. That I would never be able to see my friends or jump into the arms of my family again.

But at the same time, my mind felt empty. Thoughts buzzed lightly beneath the surface of the controllable thoughts questioning and questioning without answer. So I did what I always did when I felt like this. I ignored it and continued on with my day to gain back the feeling of normality. To continue denying reality as if doing so would change the truth.

I snapped out of my trance-like state after hearing a knock on the door.

"Miss, your next class is soon. Please get ready for it."

"Ah, right," I replied.

'The hour passed already? I even forgot what I was really thinking about for the majority of the time. What a waste...'

Getting changed, I went down and soon my classes erased all traces of thoughts relating to the events that had recently occurred.

Except it didn't.

There was still a small, slight buzzing going on on the border of my subconsciousness, and no matter how much I ignored it, it wouldn't go away.

"Miss please pay attention!" My etiquette teacher said, not even trying to hide the exasperation from her voice.

"Ah, yes?"

"Please do not add filler words in your sentences! In such a situation like this, if you are talking to someone of lower status you are to simply say yes, while if talking to one of higher status you are to apologize along with it. Is that clear? Adding 'ah' would be showing you are caught off guard which would be a detrimental mistake!"

"Y-yes my apologies."

"Despite having higher authority, I am still in a lower status, so to me, you should be just saying yes."

"I understand."

Her expression softened. "Good. We noblewomen have it hard in society, so we must polish the limited amount of weapons we have. Please keep this in mind while practicing etiquette. I will help you improve to the best of my abilities, so I hope you try to the best of your own abilities as well"

"M-Mrs.Bronsheil…" I choked teary-eyed to the mini-speech she gave.

She cleared her mouth and looked away, a bit of pink dusting her cheeks.

"P-please do not conduct yourself in such a way. For acting as such, you shall be doing seven more balancing exercises."

'W-wait…. Could Mrs.Bronsheil possibly be a tsundere?!'

"Yes ma'am!" I shouted happily, bringing my hand to my forehead in a military salute.

"What are you doing?" She looked at my gesture in a confused manner.

"Oh oops!"

'And culture shock strikes once again'

(and despite regaining the feeling of normality, my thoughts felt more a bit more forced than usual, as if desperate to cover up the spider-web cracks that had seemed to recently be growing just ever so slightly)

The rest of the classes passed quickly and soon it was time for sleep.

Despite the heavy sleepiness I felt, the slight buzzing in my head kept me awake no matter how much I tried, and thus I was left in the place I had been feverishly trying to avoid; my thoughts. I could have tried to talk with the self-proclaimed god in order to avoid thinking about it, but I honestly would rather get run over by a truck 30 more times than expose my vulnerable state to him.

Sighing, I activated the mana crystal next to my bedside.

"Miss, you called?" A servant asked.

"Please give me some [chamomile] tea with milk and sugar."

A soft ding signified that a word of mine had been translated to the closest ingredient related to it.

"Would you like Mint Rose or Sugar Lemon [chamomile] tea?"

"Err, I will take Mint Rose"

"Understood" He bowed and tapped his crossed hands twice against his chest (the way one shows respect for someone 3 or more rankings above them) before leaving.

'So we have some commoner servants here? Don't the more high-ranked nobles usually choose nobles as servants?' I question. I really didn't care much about it, but I was more than willing to try thinking about it if it meant possibly taking my mind off of the buzzing of questions and despair in my head (which most certainly wasn't getting louder and closer each passing second).

The sweet scent of Mint Rose 'chamomile' tea was comforting and enticing despite 'Mint Rose' being something one would name their hand sanitizer or something.

"Thank you"

"My pleasure, Miss" He bowed and tapped his crossed hand against his chest before leaving.

I took a sip of the tea, enjoying the warmth and rich taste.

(The buzzing was getting louder and clearer and the words were almost tangible. It was growing and growing and --)

Crack

The glue of hope had disappeared, and the dam broke.

The buzz turned into a rage of words and anger. A storm of emotions ravaged my mind, removing almost every piece of logic from my brain.

I wasn't just some story character fabricated from nothing. I have a family, a goal, a life, and now I was forced to abandon everything and follow this self-proclaimed god's orders? To live my life as his playtoy? To be disposed of as if I was a fucking doll once he was bored? Was there even a point to living if it was in such a way?!

I threw the teacup against the floor watching it shatter into pieces. One shard lightly impaled my palm and a stream of warm red danced across my forearm. I paid it no heed; as something was hurting far more than any physical wound could dream of matching.

I was sick of it.

It hurts.

It hurts to die.

It hurts to lose everything.

It hurts to be treated like a toy.

It hurts to try cover up the pain; to act like I am fine; to act as if invisible spiders aren't weaving cracks.

It hurts to act like my world isn't falling apart as I smile and laugh and desperately try to latch on to anything; to act as a comedian so that I don't break along with my world.

I was sick of it. So sick, so tired, so exhausted.

So I let myself cry and rant and fall apart along with my world; my mask of smiles broken.