Chapter 70

I heard the beeping of my heart monitor again. Hell, Bruce should just designate a bed for me with how often I ended up here. I still didn't want to be here, but I knew I needed to apologize before I went away since they insisted on keeping me alive. All the way away, past the meadow. No one, not even Loki, knew about that place and no one could get there but me. This time there would be no rescue.

I kept my walls up tightly. I didn't want to hear their hatred of me. I was already broken and destroyed. I didn't want more. My eyes were closed and my breathing even as I felt Bruce stand beside me.

"How is she, Banner?" I heard Loki whisper, pain in his voice.

Bruce sighed. "She's alive and stable. But that's all I can tell you. Wanda says her shields are impenetrable. She can't tell where her mind is or if she'll wake up. As far as her hands, I don't know. I did the best I could to stabilize her and Strange took over because it's his specialty, but we won't know if they work until she wakes up. Even if she can use them, it will take months of physical therapy for her to get even a decent amount of movement back. They'll always be numb. Even Strange couldn't put the nerves back together. She'll never be able to use her sword again, or any other weapon really.

I won't even pretend to know what happened but what I can gather from your reactions and Wanda's, it had something to do with you two." I guessed he was looking at both of them. "You two really fucked up and I don't know if it can be fixed. She was dead for almost two minutes. That's two minutes without her brain having oxygen. There could be significant brain damage when and if she wakes up. Right now, she's in a coma and depending on what happened, she may never want to wake up. If she wakes up now, she'll be in immense pain, and I would have to do a medically induced coma. She has 2nd-degree burns over most of her body. Her face honestly is the only place she isn't burned. I fucking told Tony that the hot water here didn't need to be that goddamn hot." 

I heard him leave the room, I guessed to go chew out Tony. A few minutes passed and I heard two sets of sobbing. "This is our fault Loki. I don't even think it was what was said that pushed her. It's that we shut her out. We turned our backs on her. Fuck, we LEFT her. And neither of us thought about what she said at the beginning. That everyone leaves her." Bucky broke down. "I would give anything to take that back. We promised her, damnit. We both promised to never leave her. But we did."

"I almost killed her because of ice cream. I sent her out to harm herself because of her desire for the ice cream we promised her for after her ordeal. How could I have been so foolish to not think. We were both hurt because she played our emotions, but I overreacted. We both did. I promised to never hurt her and look at what I have done." His voice dropped to a whisper that only I could hear. "I am the monster they say I am."

I hated that he felt that way. I tried to open my eyes, to tell him he wasn't a monster, but it was like swimming in molasses to get to my eyes. I realized I was going to have to fight to wake up. My mind was trying to protect me from pain and instead was keeping me prisoner. I still loved them with all of me, and I knew that I had broken the vow I had made to myself to never put that broken tortured look on Loki's face again.

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"Hello my darling. I brought you some wildflowers. I know they are your favorite. I wish you could see how spring has made the field fill with flowers. There are even new minnows in the creek." 

I knew they had taken me to a meadow similar to the one that was in my head. Wanda had known about the meadow from when I disappeared after Dean, and she had to help me come back. Somehow even in a coma, I had kept my walls strong. I was completely stable, and my body was living on its own. My burns had healed, luckily with no scars.

His voice broke. "Oh, my sweet love. I wish that I could tell you how sorry I am. How thoughtless I was. How in my anger, I destroyed the one thing I love more than life itself." I felt his hand cover mine. "I know Bucky and I promised to follow you. And we would, if not for two things. You are not dead, not gone, I hope. And that we deserve the pain of living without you. The pain of losing thousands of years by your side, hearing your laugh, holding you, seeing the love in your eyes, watching your face light up as we come into the room. We lost that and we caused it." I felt a tear fall on my hand.

"Oh Doll. I wish you would come back to us." I felt Bucky's fingers brush my cheek. He tucked some hair behind my ear. "I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I made a promise, and I broke it. And by doing that I helped break you. My watashi no yuiitsu no ai."

Loki whispered, "My kuin'obumaihato."

I felt my heart melt. They learned Japanese, just for me. I made a superhuman effort and managed to move my finger that was under Loki's hand. I was exhausted by doing that much but I knew I would have to keep fighting to get free of my own mind.

"Barnes! She moved her finger. I felt it! Call Banner. She could be waking up!"

I heard Bucky run out of the room to get Bruce. 

"Oh, please my love. Come back to me. I will spend my life showing you how sorry I am. I was a fool. Please wake up. Please."

I struggled but I managed to close my hand around his fingers. I felt his tears fall onto my hand as he gripped my hand tight. Bruce came running into the room with Bucky right behind him. He had a familiar gait, and I knew it was him.

"Banner! She closed her hand!" I felt him lift my arm. "Is she waking up?" His voice held so much hope.

"I'm not sure Loki. Her vitals are good, and she won't be in any pain if she does. My only worry is the possible brain damage. She'll need some physical therapy as she's lost some muscle tone from being in a coma all these months. Only time will tell us if she's waking up."

Months!? I had done this to them for months? It did not feel that long. Wait! Loki said spring. It was only fall when I went unconscious. I fought even harder and managed to whisper, "You… learned… Japanese."

Loki broke down. Buck dropped to his knees by the bed and took my other hand. 

"Oh God, Doll. I thought I was never going to hear your voice again." He started to cry, and I felt him stroke my hair.

I still hadn't gotten the energy to open my eyes yet. I had to rest. I knew I would have to open them soon so that I could tell them I was sorry. Apologize for wasting their time and attention on someone, SOMETHING so worthless. I gave one last push with everything I had. I finally broke free. However much it would hurt, I would face it. I opened my eyes just to find I couldn't face it after all.