we bloom until we ache

Petals.

It was all I could see on the bathroom floor.

There was no way I could have prepared for the tragically beautiful, yet gruesome image upon my very eyes. Ethan lying on the cold bathroom floor, on a small pile of rose petals.

Those damn red petals.

For a heart-stopping moment, I had thought for the worse. He was just there, lying still, not moving an inch. Fear was seeping in, clouding my judgment, it was all I could feel. The thought made me want to throw up, but that was the only thing that came to mind.

However, relief immediately came over me when I heard him make a sound, even if it sounded painful.

"E-Ethan! Oh my god, Ethan!" I cried, immediately falling on my knees beside him, giving no care about the sensation of damp petals against my skin.

I gently cradled his head into my arms, wanting to make sure myself that he was still alive and breathing. His face contorted for a brief moment, but I can't tell if it was either due to the movement or pain. Or maybe even both. It hurts my heart even more, not knowing anything, not knowing what to do to ease the pain.

I could only imagine.

I ran my gaze all over his body, but there was just so much petals on his skin, on his clothes, like he was bathing in it. There was also blood staining his lips and teeth, with a trail of it making way on his seemingly peaceful face.

"What happened to you?! I-I..." I cupped his face with my trembling hand and supported his upper body on the other. I went to wipe the blood off his face, yet it had only smeared even more.

The situation was a hard pill to swallow.

I should have known. I should have known from the start when Ethan started acting strange, when he began losing weight, evidently tired all the time. I should have pushed it even if he tells me he's fine every time I ask. I could have pestered him until he told me the truth.

But I didn't. And that's my biggest regret yet.

Everything around me blurred, with my tears threatening to fall. However, I willed myself to keep it all in as long as I have to, because right now, I needed to be strong for him.

"W-Wait... I'm gonna call for help. P-Please hold on still, Ethan. You're gonna be okay, I promise you." I consoled, more so comforting myself than Ethan.

I reached for the back pocket of my shorts, thankful for my habit of bringing my phone everywhere, and immediately dialed for an ambulance once I unlocked it.

The ringing of my phone echoed against the bathroom, the sound ever so haunting, and I just sat here, waiting. Just waiting, because it was all I could do for now. Yet until this moment, time has never flown so slow.

"Come on! Answer!" I begged.

I feel like crying at any moment, the ounce of control I have over my emotions are on the verge of breaking. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

"R-Roses..."

My gaze snapped to Ethan, who has his eyebrows drawn together as if he's struggling to stay conscious. In response, I held him closer to me with his head on my shoulder. It was like he could disappear in any moment if I didn't keep him close to me.

"Y-Yes, roses. J-Just..." I sniffled, "just hold on for a bit more, okay?"

A single tear escaped his eyes.

"P-Please love me back," he whispered weakly, and that's when I broke.

"Y-Yeah... Just p-please stay with me, Ethan. K-Keep talking to me," I sobbed.

I never slept that night.

It was a living nightmare.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

The next time I found Ethan in the bathroom, not even a week had passed since that night. He was leaning over the sink, having another violent coughing fit once again.

I immediately rushed to his side to rub his back and support his weight, trying not to flinch at the sound of sickening coughs that was caused by the flowers built up in his system. Looking at all the petals looking as red as his blood on the sink made me sick, thinking that I loved those flowers, that I used to love the feeling of its petals against my fingers before.

Roses, that's what they are. But now, all I could think about is how these flowers were the cause of Ethan's pain.

I continued to rub large circles against his back, comforting him, letting him know that he wasn't alone this time. His eyes were tearing up from the pain and his face was red due to the lack of oxygen. I felt his hand on my waist, pushing me away, but I refused to move from my place.

"I-I'm okay," he objected once the coughing subsided, but I wasn't having any of it.

"No, I'm not going anywhere." I insisted, meeting his unfocused gaze on the mirror.

He looked tired, though not as sickly and pale as he looked that night. However, I still hated seeing the bags under his eyes or how his shirt seemed too big for him now when it perfectly fitted him back then. I didn't know when the illness started, but gone was the healthy flush of his cheeks, the shine of his hair, his healthy physique.

His eyes lost its sparkle, when I could see the stars in them before.

He was slowly fading.

"H-Hey." Ethan slightly nudged me, seemingly noticing me spacing out. "I'm okay, and I'll be okay. I promise."

His usual smile was back on his face, yet it wasn't like before at the same time. Knowing him too well was both a blessing and a curse. There was the underlying pain hiding beneath that mask of his, and by his quivering lips, I could tell he was trying so hard to hide it. So I said nothing, and smiled back.

"You better be or I'll cut your tongue off for lying." I said in a joking manner, attempting to break the heavy atmosphere that has settled between us since we got back from the hospital.

It seemed to be working as a chuckle escaped his lips.

"Okay," he snorted. "As if you could even hold a knife."

I already had a retort ready on the back of my mind. However, the sight of his face lighting up with the crinkle of his eyes at the edges and the upturn of the corners of his lips made me halt my advances. 

I was captivated.

Warmth spread through my entire being seeing his beautiful smile, butterflies once again fluttered in my stomach. Suddenly, it felt as if everything would be better.

I sighed in defeat, "I hate that you're always right."

He only grinned at me smugly in response.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hope.

What is hope?

Is it the tiny crack of light in the darkness?

Is it the shiny penny that you'll find in a dumpster pit?

I don't know.

Yet as rare trips to the bathroom at night became often and the attacks were getting more aggressive, I finally realized. Hope was all that had happened was just a nightmare, and soon, I'd be waking up. However, each night he got weaker and weaker. In some days, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, to see what has become of him. Sunken cheekbones. Glassy and unfocused eyes. Frail body. Just a ghost himself.

He was slowly slipping away from my fingers, fading.

I was there to witness it all, to watch in horror as vivid blooms of red bursted from his mouth, and tonight couldn't be any more different.

An aggressive coughing fit tore through his throat, leaving him a quivering mess on a pile of roses that I have come to despise. My vision was completely clouded by tears as he sobbed, and all I could do was hug him and comfort him as much as I could.

The coughs took over his body, sounding harsher and more powerful in each assault. Tears streamed down his cheeks, overwhelmed with pain and exhaustion. I just held him tighter against me, crying as the proof of petals laid out in front of me, on the very floor of his own room.

"You're gonna be okay, I promise." I whispered into his ear, yet it felt as if I was lying, to myself and to him.

Still, he weakly nodded at my comforting words even though the coughing fits showed no signs of stopping. I was beginning to think that this was different from the previous attacks, and I achingly wish to be proven wrong.

One powerful, violent cough suddenly shook Ethan's weak body, and he finally relaxed and slumped on me.

"Ethan?" I whispered, feeling relief that the attacks stopped.

I gently moved myself into a comfortable position so that I could take a look at his face. However, harsher coughs took over his body once again. The relief I briefly felt completely vanished, and terror sucked the very breath from my mouth when I heard those dry coughs transform into horrible gurgles.

"N-No," I cried in disbelief, with a sob clawing at my chest. "Please... Please, no."

Blood. He was coughing up blood.

The color quickly drained from my face, heart pounding in my ears but I was neither frightening nor afraid. No. What I felt was beyond such mere nouns, beyond the wave of fear that washed over me when I found Ethan, barely conscious on the bathroom floor for the first time.

That nightmare paled in comparison to the gruesome color staining his lips. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight of blood hastily spilling out of his mouth.

"Don't do this to me, Ethan. Stay with me," I begged, but the look of anguish reflecting on his clouded eyes crushed me even more.

I reached for my phone on his bedside table as I held him in my arms. Straight away, I was calling 911 and frantically yelling into the phone when the call came through. "Please, send help! Save him, please!"

I stumbled over my words, struggling to get all the needed information across. A stream of blood continued to trickle on the corners of Ethan's mouth, his body convulsing against my hold as it fruitlessly tried and tried to dislodge the flowers that was depriving him of the ability to take lungs of air he desperately needed.

"I-I need you, Ethan. I still need you. Please, don't leave me." I sobbed, dropping the phone on the floor when the call ended.

He weakly gripped the collar of my shirt in response and I hugged him closer against my chest, burying my face in his soft brown locks. Ethan wasn't getting enough air, his breathing was ragged and uneven.

"I-It's okay," he wheezed but I shook my head incredulously. Even through the pain, he was still comforting me when I'm the one who should be comforting him. Ever so selfless, still, he was.

"No, it's not. It's not okay..." I wept softly. "Please, just stay with me."

I enveloped his hand that was gripping my shirt with my own, my lips quivering with agony.

"Don't leave me. I c-can't... Without you, I can't." I cried.

Love me instead. Please, love me instead.

I so desperately pleaded yet only in my head, couldn't seem to find my voice to do so.

I'm a coward, that is.

"I'm s-sorry." I shook my head once again when I heard him apologizing, my face crumpled with despair and helplessness.

"No, don't say sorry. Don't ever say sorry."

I pulled back a little and met his drooping green orbs that were staring at me with extreme sadness and remorse. The corners of his lips slightly turned upwards as he struggled to smile through the pain. My heart clenched achingly in my chest, struggling myself to return his smile. It was a heart-wrenching sight.

"Be happy..."

"Not without you, please..." I sobbed in fear. "You promised me, y-you promised."

Yet Ethan's eyes fluttered shut, and his hand completely lost its grip.

"No! No, no, no, no, please!" I chanted desperately, shaking him, but I was met with terrible silence.

His body stopped convulsing. He lost his fight.

He's gone.

An agonizing scream escaped the back of my throat, piercing through the silence within the haunting room, yet Ethan remained still. I forcefully shut my eyes and hugged him tighter, but realizing that it could never be returned only increased the intense anguish that was consuming me. 

My grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable rivers of tears, gut-wrenching sobs tore through my chest. I let out wails of hopeless pleas for him to come back, for a miracle, for all of this to be just a bad dream. But the most precious person in my life was now hanging limply in my arms, his body slowly growing cold.

My love was gone.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Not even a week after his funeral, I wasn't surprised when a stream of rose petals spewed from my mouth.

The sight of it was tragically beautiful.