Chapter 109

Liliana's pov

"Hi. You've reached Dr. Shepherd. Please leave a message and I will return your call" Derek's voicemail says before beeping for me to leave a message

"Hey. I was just calling, because the White House called and talked to Meredith and they said you never made it to D.C. yet. Your flight probably just got delayed or something, but you should probably call them when you get a chance and call me, so that I know you're safe" I sigh before hanging up. I hear a door opening and I notice a bunch of residents running through the hallway towards the E.R.

"What is going on" I frown

"There was a plane crash" one of the residents says, before they continue down the hallway. Hearing those words made me feel like my heart stopped for a second as I thought about my own experience in a plane crash, but I quickly refocused my thoughts and followed the residents to the E.R.

"You can handle this" I try to assure myself as I walk into the crowded E.R., but I couldn't control my train of thought as I heard the screams and cries of the patients being worked on. It made me feel like I was back out there stranded in the woods again. Memories that I wish I could forget began to rush through my mind. I got flashbacks of when I first gained consciousness out there and Derek's screams as I worked on his hand, and Mark groaning in pain as I worked on him. Looking over at a woman with crush injuries made me think of when I saw Lexie's dead body crushed under the plane.

"Garcia, I need you over here" Owen says as he brings in another patient

"O...okay" I nod following behind him to an E.R. room. I still couldn't completely gather my thoughts, but I had a job to do, so I had to keep it together and keep moving. Even though on the outside I'm sure I looked fine, on the inside I wasn't. My mind just kept racing. I continued to think about how cold it was when we were stranded out there and how much pain I was in, and how I kept having to do CPR on Mark through the night and hoping that he wouldn't die out there. I was just completely overwhelmed by my thoughts at this point. I was so relieved when I finally finished helping Owen with our patient, so I could get out of the room and go somewhere quiet, away from everyone else and pull myself together. I rushed to the nearest on call room and closed the door behind me before sitting down and laying my head in my hands as I tried to calm down. All I wanted right now was to talk Derek. Derek is the only person I really talk to whenever I have flashbacks from the crash. I guess since he was by my side from the moment I woke up out there, he's just been my go to person to talk to about it. At first when we woke up after the crash, we didn't know if everyone else was dead or alive. It was just us. All that we had for those first couple of moments was each other. I hated how I felt right. A million horrible memories were running through my head, my heart was racing, and I felt like my head was spinning. I just felt so overwhelmed. It was like I was trapped in my own thoughts. I didn't even realize that memories from the plane crash could still affect me like this. Most of the time I was able to deal with them better then I was dealing right now. I heard the door to the room open, making me look up and I see Jackson standing there.

"Hey" he says closing the door behind him before he walks over to me

"There was a plane crash" I sigh shakily as my tears I didn't even know I was holding back began to fall

"Come here" he says pulling me into a hug. "You're okay, sweetheart. You're safe" he assures me

"It feels like I'm back out there. Like I'm stuck out there again and I can't get out" I sniffle

"But you're not. You're okay and you made it out. You survived. I know this crash is bringing up a bunch of bad memories, but you're fine now. You made it back home after the crash and you are safe and you're never going to have to go through anything like that again, okay" he says softly caressing my hair

"Okay" I nod

"You okay now" he asks as after a couple of minutes had passed and I had managed to calm down

"Yeah. I'm sorry for freaking out. It was just seeing all of those people out there. Hearing the screams and cries" I sigh shakily

"You don't have to apologize. Today brought up some traumatic memories. Anyone would have a hard time dealing with that" he says

"I know. I just didn't expect to freak out like that. I mean I knew when I heard there was a plane crash that it would bring up memories, but I thought I would be able to keep it together. I normally can" I say

"Sometimes instead of always keeping it together, it's better to let out how you feel" he says

"Yeah, you're right" I sigh. "I knew after the plane crash that I would never completely forget what happened, but I thought that as time continued to pass that maybe the memories wouldn't be so vivid, but they are. I still remember every single little detail. It was so freezing out there. I remember, after we ran out of matches for a fire on the first night, I kept thinking about how hot the summers in Los Angeles were and I kept picturing myself there to stay distracted from how freezing it was and when I looked down at Mark I would try to think of all of the happy memories I had of him, so I wouldn't focus on the fact that his heart was barely beating. And when I would walk by Lexie's body, I'd just try to remember how amazing of a person she was. You know we had an apartment together one time" I say

"Really" he smiles

"Yeah. Me, Lexie, and George. It was small and run down, but it felt like home. We made it a home" I smile thinking about the memory

"I never knew that" he says

"Yeah, I never talk about it. It just makes me think about them and the fact that they're both gone" I sniffle. "Gosh, I'm just a mess today" I sigh

"You're not a mess, you're just having a rough day" he says

"Yeah, this day has been stressful. Thank you for being here for me. You didn't have to sit here and make sure that I was okay" I say

"You're my wife. I'm supposed to be here for you" he says making me smile. After how horrible our marriage has been these past months it felt nice to hear him say those words. His pager began to go off and he grabbed it and turned it off before putting it back in his pocket

"Don't ignore your pager. I'm fine. Go tend to your patient" I say

"Are you sure" he asks

"Yeah, I'm okay" I nod

"Okay, I'm going to check on you again in a little bit" he says before leaving the room. I continue to sit on the bed for a couple of minutes, before leaving and going to the front desk, where Meredith and Arizona were standing.

"You okay" Meredith asks

"Yeah. Are you two okay" I ask

"Yeah" they both nod. All of our pagers go off as an ambulance arrives with more patients. I take my patient to an E.R. room to check her vitals before taking her up to C.T. then bringing her to the O.R. to start surgery

"Owen, what are you doing in here" I ask seeing Owen walk inside the O.R. as I operate

"I just wanted to check in and see how the surgery is coming along" he says

"It's going. I mean there's a lot of bleeding, but I've got it under control" I say

"Okay. How are you. Are you okay to operate. Do you need anything" he asks

"I'm fine" I say

"Are you sure" he asks

"Yeah, I'm keeping it together" I nod

"Okay, well just let me know if you need anything" he says

"I will" I nod. I spend a couple more hours operating before successfully finishing, then scrubbing out and taking the patient to recovery before going to the front desk to give the nurse my chart. I pull out my phone to see if Derek ever called or text me back, but I sigh in frustration when I see I don't have any calls or text from him.

"You okay" Owen asks walking over to me

"Yeah, I'm fine" I nod

"Are you sure? It seems like something's bothering you. I mean I know today had to bring up some bad memories" he says

"Owen I assure you I'm handling it. You don't have to keep checking in on me. I mean at first when I heard about the plane crash I freaked out a little, but I'm good now" I assure him

"I know. It's just I needed to make sure. It was my fault that you even had to go through the plane crash. I'm the one who signed off on the plane" he says

"You can't still blame yourself for that Owen. You aren't the one who built that plane and you wouldn't have put us on there if you knew what was going to happen" I say

"I know, but I'm the Chief. It was my job to keep you guys safe" he sighs

"And you would've if you had known that the company had a history of issues, but you didn't and blaming yourself for it isn't going to erase that it happened. It was a horrible thing to go through, but we've moved forward and no one blames you, so you shouldn't blame yourself, okay" I say

"Okay" he nods before his pager goes off. "I have to go. Amelia needs a consult" he says

"Okay" I nod before he walks away. I notice Meredith walking down the hallway, so I go catch up with her.

"Meredith" I call

"Yeah" she says turning around and stopping as I approach her

"Did you ever hear anything back from Derek" I ask

"No, did you" she asks

"No. This isn't normal. He normally would've contacted one of us by now. I'm starting to worry" I sigh

"Believe me so am I, but we're going to give him until 5 o clock to get back to one of us and if neither one of us has heard from him by then, then we will freak out, but until then we are going to stay calm" she says

"Okay, 5 o clock" I say

"5 o clock" she nods

"Who are we kidding. We're already freaking out" I sigh

"Yeah, we are" she agrees

"Let's just hope that he calls soon" I sigh, before I walk away to check in on a couple of patients. After I finish, I go to the locker room to change out of my scrubs before leaving to go home. All I wanted to do was to lay down and relax, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do that as long as I didn't know where Derek was. As soon as I got home I just sat on the sofa with my phone in my lap staring at the clock, hoping that Derek would call, but time continued to pass and eventually it hit 5 o clock and I still hadn't heard from him and neither had Meredith. All I knew was that I was completely freaking out now and I had a bad feeling.

"Shepherd, where are you" I sigh to myself