Chapter 7

THEY say that your eyes explain what you feel when your mouth can’t and that’s why I am feeling right now. I don’t know what to say. I tried to hold on to my tears from falling down my face but as we stared at each other, it made me hard from stopping them from falling any minute now.

I slowly shake my head as we continued staring at each other. I want to take off my eyes from him but it seems that my eyes don’t want to, it seems that my eyes were glued onto him. I wish he could see right now the pain in my eyes. That it hurts like hell.

“I c-can’t… f-forgive y-you,” then my voice broke as I felt something rolling down my face. Damn these tears! I want them to stop falling but they just can’t. I take off my eyes from staring because I can’t hold them anymore.

It hurts that every time I would look at him I could only remember what he has just done. Their voice moans each other’s names. The picture of him cheating with another girl behind my back. I could only remember it all clear inside my head.

I took a glance and saw how his eyes watered after I said those words. I wish he could also feel the pain I am feeling.

“Astia,” he called my name with so much pain in his voice but I didn’t care. The pain he felt wasn’t even in half of the pain he brought me.

He fucking cheated! He…

I cried more.

I cried more as I remembered what he have done during that night.

“No, Felix. We’re over,” I painfully said. I wiped my tears using my right hand. After I said those words in front of him, I saw pain in his eyes.

Does he feel pain? Well, from the two of us, I was the one who felt pain more. I was betrayed. He betrayed me. I was hurt. He has no right to be hurt because from the two of us I am the one who felt pain more. I was the one who got betrayed.

“Can we fix this? Let’s fix it, Astia. Let’s fix this, please,” he begged. But I was too hurt to forgive him. I was too hurt to ever give him what he wants.

Slowly, I shake my head, “We couldn’t fix this anymore, Felix,” I paused and sighed. “You cheated... Is this what you’re doing behind my back when I wasn’t around, huh?” I painfully asked him but he didn’t respond.

I bitterly laughed, “I give you my all, Felix. I granted your wish to stay together in one apartment. I made time for you despite me being super busy with school stuff and working because if I won’t, I won’t have money to buy all of my needs.” I know he’s busy too with a lot of stuff but can’t he realize the things I sacrifice for him? I sacrifice almost… half of my life just to be with him all these damn years.

I declined to take my freelance job on Cebu because he said that didn’t want me to be far away from him. Because he said that he couldn’t afford me to be miles away from him. That long-distance relationship might work. He wanted me to stay so I give him what he wants. I stayed with him. But what did he have done? He cheated!

After all those years? After all of the sacrifices I have done for him, he will betray me? Damn you, Felix! Damn you!

I laugh bitterly inside my head despite the tears nonstop falling from my eyes. How funny things turned out being like this in one snap. We were happy. It never crossed my mind he cheated because I believe in him that he change himself for good… Or was I just so full of myself that I was the reason why he has changed for good?

Despite what he did, a part of me was also blaming myself for being unconcerned that he will get back to his old habit. I must have been careful. A part of me must be blamed.

“I’m sorry.” That is all he can say as he bowed his head a little.

How dare he showed his face to me after what he have done? He has no conscience!

I didn’t respond.

Silence envelops us. No one dared to speak. I tried to stop myself from crying silently but my tears were a traitor. They keep on falling!

I sighed heavily.

“Do you really love me, Felix? Or did you ever have loved me?” I asked him to break the silence. Those words rolled out my tongue with so much pain in it. I took a glance at the bowl of ice cream he has bought earlier and I that the ice cream was starting to melt. He didn’t eat it. He didn’t even have a spoon of it.

He couldn’t just buy it if he wouldn’t eat it. He just wasted money.

But why was I worried about how much money he have wasted? I must have didn’t care how much money he had wasted. That’s his problem and not mine.

“I love you, Astia,” I heard him reply.

I turn my gaze to him and saw him staring at me and saw his eyes reddened because of the water in his eyes.

“But how could you afford cheated behind my back? If you truly love me… how could you?” I asked him. “If I wasn’t there? I wouldn’t even know,” then I bitterly laugh, the reason why he lowered his head.

“I’m sorry if I’m being a jerk again,” he mumbled.

I look away, “Come one, Felix! I’m tired of hearing you're sorry. Your sorry won’t bring back time and change what happened,” I stated and sighed heavily. The tears were starting to stop falling. I guess I have no more tears left to cry for today?

“Astia-”

“Please, Felix…” I begged and sobbed. “We already broke up. This is how we ended,” I added.

I couldn’t stand this conversation with him anymore so I already decided to stand up. I grab him from the table but before I could even take a step I heard him speak.

“I will win you back, Astia,” I heard him say but I ignored what he said. I wiped my tears for one last time and started to move my feet to move away from that place.

When I was far away enough from the shop, I slow down. Then, I cried even more. That conversation with him was giving me a hard time. I was avoiding him all these times yet we will just meet in that freaking ice cream shop and talk about us.

I just cried until I get tired while slowly taking small steps. I don’t want to go back to my best friend’s condo looking like a mess. I don’t know how long I was at that state. The ten minutes walk from Bella’s condo to the ice cream shop took me twenty minutes.

When I was finally outside the RA tower, I sighed deeply and fix myself. I brushed my hair using my fingers before I entered the tower. When I was in front of Bella’s door, I silently prayed that she wasn’t in the living room. I slowly opened the door and even look left and right, if I wasn’t just in this state, I might look like a spy. Gladly, God listened to my prayer. Bella wasn’t around. I think she’s in her room because if ever she went out, she will text me but I haven’t received any so I assume that she’s in her room.

I went inside my room and lay in the bed. I stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes.

Is this it? Is this what I’ll receive after I have loved someone? He’s my first boyfriend yet it turned out like this. We didn’t work out. I tried my best to be the best girlfriend he ever had but it looks like he wasn’t satisfied with the relationship we had so done that. I sarcastically laugh at the back of my head.

Old habits die hard.

I decided to clean up myself but before I could even move, I heard a notification pop. I quickly get my phone from the bedside table and saw Felix’s name pop in. As much as I don’t want to open the message, I just found my hand swiping the screen of my cellphone, opening the message of my Ex-boyfriend.

:)