Family Stays Together

I waited for him in his hotel room. The record player was on, and I swung around mindlessly. Diamonds, pearls, a green silk dress, a starlet in the movie I imagined myself to be in. Tired and quietly humming, I sank into the armchair by the window, my back against the armrest on one side and my legs hanging over the other. I wondered if this was what freedom felt like. 

The door opened and closed. He was in the shadow of the dim light from the floor lamp; his pistol pointed at me until he saw my face.

"Anne," he swiftly walked up to me. "I can't believe you are here."

"Me neither," I jumped on my feet and hugged him. He wasn't used to a greeting of this kind and was visibly flustered.

"It's good to see you again," I was cheerful as he rigidly patted my back.

He returned to be at ease after I let him go.

"Before you say anything," he swallowed. His hands were behind his back, and he was formal like I remembered him to be. Although it wasn't hard to tell that part of him had softened as the years went on. "I'd like to apologize to you."

"What for?" I pretended to be oblivious.

"I'm sorry I couldn't reciprocate your feelings and failed to protect you," he frowned. He sounded prim. "Please know that I did and still do care for you. Your past resonances with mine, and I see you as family."

He didn't need to tell me what I already knew. I wished my eighteen-year-old, naïve and reckless self would've accepted that fact with it was presented the first time.

"You don't need to be sorry for how you feel," I was sincere. "And I understand."

"I'm glad," he smiled out of relief.

"Will you stay in the county?" I asked with sparkles in my eyes. "Will you join the family when everything dies down?"

His initial surprise faded into broodiness.

"Is this why you are here?" He became grave. "I reckon Thomas Murphy sent you to me."

He seemed disheartened, and I was upset. I expected him to say yes and agree that he'd be around me again. I wanted him to be around.

"Don't you want to work with me?" I felt hurt.

"Please, don't take it the wrong way," he said carefully and candidly, "it has nothing to do with you. It's just that I'm tired of this life and this business. It's outrageous, unjust, and plain ridiculous that the Lebedev family put a bounty on my head. But perhaps this is my chance to get away, to start over like a normal man."

I lowered my head. The virtuous part of me was aware that he was right, that I should let him go, and wished him the best. However, the selfish, irrational, and greedy part of me chose to guilt him knowingly.

"You said I'm family," I lifted my eyes and stepped closer to him as I raised my voice. "Family stays together. You said you'd protect me. How can you protect me if you aren't even here? Your apology will mean nothing if you leave me by myself again. Look what happened last time you left me by myself."

My eyes were red. I wasn't proud of what I said, yet I said it, nevertheless.

I had never seen him looking this helpless, lost, and vulnerable.

-----

I was late when I got to the rusty fire escape in a dark alleyway on that rainy night. Wesley was drenched. His arms were in the air as he was being told to put his pistol down, or so I guessed, for they were yelling in Russian.

Without thinking, I stepped in front of him.

"Who the fuck are you?" The squadron leader asked.

"I'm with the Murphy family," I said unwaveringly. "You've got to get through me before you can get to him. And if you are any smart, you'd know it's not a good idea to mess with us, especially when your family is falling apart."

The squadron leader clicked his tongue and sneered. Mockingly, he looked past me and shouted at Wesley. On the contrary, Wesley replied in his usual, poised tone.

It wasn't the time for me to ask about their exchange.

"Put your guns down and leave," I demanded.

The squadron leader spat in my direction and put his pistol back into its holster. The others followed suit. Before he left, he squinted and stared at me menacingly as if threatening me. I was unperturbed.

I watched them walking away. Just as I was about to speak to Wesley, the squadron leader turned around and shot at him. The loudness of the gun firing broke the silence of the night. It was no longer only the raindrops that made a noise. I leaped. The bullet hit, and I fell. The Russians scurried in a hurry; fearing being seen.

"What did you do that for?" Wesley held me in his arms. His voice broke in devastation. "You're a foolish, foolish girl. How could you be so stupid?"

"Stay with me," I begged. "Don't leave me alone, Wesley."

"I'll stay by your side, for as long as you want me to," his brows were knotted, "I promise."

-----

Wesley parked the car by the closed back door of The Woodpeckers. I stepped out first, and he followed.

"You'll walk ahead of me," I glanced at the door and lit a cigarette. "And you should try to do the talking first."

"Why?" He checked his watch and walked around the car next to me. He was close, yet I kept my chin up and looked past his arm, staring into nothing.

"They wouldn't like speaking to me," I slowly turned to him and lifted my head to meet his eyes, "for some specific personal reason and, well, prejudice."

"Which is why I said Thomas should be here himself," he squinted and stayed close. "I just don't have a good feeling about it."

"You'll be all right," I raised my hand a little to offer him my cigarette. "And since when are you so superstitious about intuition?"

He laughed. I liked seeing him laugh – though it was only out of absurdness – I liked seeing the fine wrinkles forming on the corners of his eyes. 

Shaking his head with a lingering self-mockery on his thin lips, he took over the cigarette. His fingers brushed against mine, and I was afraid he'd notice the faint quivering of my hand.

"How's Emma?" I tried to change the tone.

"She's getting better," he took a long drag. "And I must say, I'm glad she no longer plans to take her own life."

He handed the smoke back to me.

"Can I ask you something?" I said sullenly, rechecking the closed door.

"Of course," he nodded.

"Did you agree to join the family out of the guilt I made you feel?" I asked quietly, anxious about what he's say.

"Why would you ask that out of nowhere?" He frowned in seriousness. "Is this what Thomas made you believe?"

"Is it true?" I lifted my chin so that I could feel brave.

After a short pause, he lit a cigarette, puffed it, and said: "No. I stayed because it was the best choice for me."

"I can always tell when you lie," I stared at the side of his face as he stared into the distance. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I…"

"There's no need to think about this. Never." He cut me off and said firmly, "I'm here now, and that's it. I see you as my family; as you said, family stays together."

In doing so, his message was clear: He didn't, nor would he ever want to speak about this matter any further. I knew better than to pressure him.

"What would you do if Laurie and I leave for New York?" I asked.

"I'd be happy for you both," he shrugged. "And I'd be glad."

"Would you come with us?" I bit my bottom lip.

"If you need my help, I'd be there for you. But I don't know if I can leave," he turned his head a little, though he still wasn't looking at me. The sun shone into his eyes, and he squinted. "I'm afraid I'm in too deep. Plus, Emma and I are trying to work things out."

-----

When Wesley opened the door, tears began to form in my eyes. I felt pathetic and weak, though I couldn't help myself. 

His black hair was disheveled. He had grown a stubble. He looked foreign without a neat suit and polished shoes.

"It's okay, Anne, it's okay," he sounded worried. This time it was he who opened his arms and hugged me. He patted on my back without being stiff like last time.

"Can I come in?" I sobbed as I searched for the cigarette holder in my purse.

He nodded and stepped aside so I could get through the threshold.

For months and months, I couldn't find him. I asked Thomas for his whereabouts, but he wouldn't tell me. Thomas said it was best if I didn't know anything so that I wouldn't go look for him. The hope began to fade, and I became convinced that he was hunted and killed.

To Laurie's dismay, I pestered Lizzie whenever I could and asked her about him. Eventually, Lizzie had a change of heart and caved in.

And with that, I rushed to knock on his door.

Lighting a cigarette and scanning around his tiny, cramped apartment, I stood in the hall and couldn't figure out how I felt. It was more than just shame and guilt. 

"Would you like to take a seat?" he said, closing the door behind me. "I'm sorry this place is a mess."

He sounded shy and self-conscious. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I said, trying to find the appropriate words. "I'd love to take a seat and catch up. But I don't have much time. I'm just stopping by to see if you're doing all right."

"I've been through worse," he tried to smile. Then he sounded concerned: "Is it fine for you to be here?"

"No, but I had to see you," I said honestly. "I've been so worried about you. Thomas wouldn't tell me a thing. He said that he couldn't risk me ruining his plans, whatever those plans may be. Though I can't go on with life and act as if I don't care about where you are or if you are doing all right any longer. I'm so sorry if I'll get you into trouble; I…I just can't sit there and do nothing."

"Hey, it's okay," his tone softened. He almost sounded wretched. Forcing himself to smile, he said: "I've promised you that I'd never leave you alone again, right? Do you trust me?"

"I do." I was quick to respond.

He took the cigarette from my hand and put it between his thin lips before he pulled me into his arms, held me tight, and took a drag.