Chapter 65 Contemplations

"Burning the midnight candle commander?"

Erwin looked up from the papers before him. He was tired, and distracted, not noticing when Mike had entered his temporary office.

"Mike? I wasn't aware that you were coming by. I would have arranged some food."

Mike chuckled as he walked in, pulling a chair out to sit down at the side of the room.

"You really have been working too hard. I don't think anywhere is still making food at this time of night."

Erwin turned and looked out of the window, seeing the night sky and realising that the sun had long since set. He frowned and rubbed his eyes, beginning to realise just how tired he truly was now that he was taking a break. He leaned back in his chair and groaned.

"You know I feel more tired now than I ever did during an expedition. No matter what happened, it never felt like this."

Mike raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Like what?"

"I find myself without direction, for the first time in a very long time. No more Titans, no more walls. For all intents and purposes, mission accomplished. We are free."

"With Gohan around we're safe too. Seeing that shower of light was… It's strange, adjusting to life after the fact. I spent so long in acceptance of my inevitable death that to suddenly feel safe is strange."

Erwin nodded along in agreement. "There are some talks about what will happen to the military now. Whether the Scout regiment will be absorbed into the Garrison regiment. There's no longer a need for such expeditions after all. Dot will probably become the new premier, he's the most experienced and a skilled commander. If that happens, I suppose they'll want me to become commander of the new Garrison in his stead."

"You don't sound very eager sir."

"No. I suppose not…" He stood up from his desk and grabbed a jacket. "Walk with me. I missed dinner, and I do know of one place still open for food at this hour."

They spoke casually as they walked, leaving the headquarters and heading into the main district square. As Erwin had expected, there was still one shop open at such a time of night.

"Pies? I didn't think you the sort."

"Not typically. Though this store does come with a few extras." Erwin passed one to Mike as he collected his change from the shopkeeper, the man also handing over a bottle of alcohol and two glasses. Both took a seat at one of the tables set out for customers. "I first came here about a year ago with Nile. After the 46th expedition I think, I was summoned back for several days of meetings to review the Scout Regiments progress and funding. Those days were long and slow, I was often up for longer even than today."

Erwin poured out a drink into a glass for Mike and one for himself. "We were up at least another two hours. Just drinking and talking. I remember he asked me why I did it. He'd asked me before of course, but that night was different. His third daughter had just been born, life was looking good for him. He wanted to know why I didn't have a wife or a child of my own, why I devoted so much of myself to a hopeless cause. I don't remember what I said exactly that night, but he never asked me again."

"Another one of your inspirational speeches perhaps?" Erwin smiled at Mike's joke, taking a gulp of their alcohol with him.

"Something like that I'm sure. But I think at the time I just never thought it would be possible. That the war against the Titans would never end. Now it has."

"It feels wrong. Being at the end when there's so few of us. How many people died for us to get this far? If only they had made it a little longer."

"Hange." Erwin immediately thought of her.

"Hange." Mike agreed.

The two clinked glasses and shared a drink in her memory.

"I wonder sometimes, what she would do now. I had planned to make her commander should I fall, she would be good for the job."

"She would. But she'd also be all over Gohan still, too fascinated to focus on anything else. Sad about no more Titans being left to study though."

Erwin snorted in agreement. "Devastated."

"I think she'd relish the challenge though." Erwin cocked a questioning eyebrow. "The world beyond. Marley, the other Eldians, a real conundrum of what to do."

"There are talks in progress. Much of it will depend on Gohan however. Whatever is decided, it won't be truly possible without his support. He would give it though, I'm sure. The first step is Shiganshina though. Come the morning there's a planned expedition to each of the districts."

"Really? I hadn't heard."

"It's not a military operation. Small numbers of Garrison personnel will be travelling with engineers to investigate the town. All former locals, an assessment of the damage. It's not expected that much of the towns will be left after the Titan stampede from the outer walls, but we will need to re-establish housing and farmlands soon. A baby boom is expected, and we need to have the lands and resources available."

Mike nodded in agreement. Already there had been numerous celebrations and rumours of private ventures out to the former lands.

"I never really thought of this day, of what would come after. After some time, I always assumed it would be impossible. That the war would never truly end. That even if we did reclaim Wall Maria, there would be a land beyond the walls we'd never be able to know. Now… we have the answers. To everything."

"Almost everything."

Erwin paused with the drink at his lips, giving Mike a curious look.

"Gohan." Mike continued. "A kid of incredible power that showed up and changed our lives. You don't still wonder why?"

"That creature, Cell. That was his explanation."

"It was. But the way Gohan described it, his transportation, doesn't it sound like Cell transported too?"

Erwin froze, only having enough mindfulness to put his drink down before he dropped it.

"You think this creature came her too, with Gohan?"

"Maybe." Mike shrugged. "I don't know the first thing about Ki, maybe Levi could make a better guess, but I do know something about our world. We just do not have enough good fortune that Gohan came here without company."

"A rather ominous guess Mike. I didn't take you for one so pessimistic."

Mike smiled with a silent chuckle, taking another drink as Erwin continued to eye him. "You didn't realise because you were like me too. We both thought we were going to die before we got any answers. Only difference was I already decided it didn't matter. If this is the one bit of life I get, I'm still going to live it. I'm going to get married, have some kids, live my life until it ends."

"And if you're right? If this Cell creature is here too?"

"Then either Gohan will handle it, or we're all dead. I know that for certain." Mike played with the empty glass in his hand, mind far away even as he spoke. "It doesn't change anything."

Erwin wasn't quite sure he agreed, but after a moments hesitation he poured himself another drink and swallowed it quickly.

"I think you've given me nightmares tonight Mike. But you're right, it changes nothing."

Erwin would perform his duty as he always did. He just hoped that Mike was wrong.

Hannes held the reigns of his horse tight as he rode. There was a tension to his body that he hadn't been aware of at first, only realising it after he had been riding for some time. The convoy he was part of had set off directly from Trost towards Shiganshina, leaving his trip as short as possible. Something he was beginning to be very thankful for.

With no more walls, travelling to Shiganshina from Trost had become as simple as riding around the large boulder that had once plugged the gate. Perhaps once word was available, they could ask Gohan to simply move the boulder and make it even easier. Still, the convoy had set off with an excitement amongst the rest of them, eager to reclaim their home and recover any lost valuables.

For Hannes however, he dreaded what he would see there. Not just the destruction caused by the Titan trample, but the reminders of what once was. This had been his home for so many years. He had been born in Shiganshina. His comrades had fought and died there. Hannes… had ran. He thought he had long since accepted his guilt and moved on from his past, but coming face to face with it was swiftly becoming a crushing reminder of what had been.

Far off in the distance, they could make out the signs of homes and ruins, a cluster that could only have been Shiganshina. The memories of that day became more vivid in his mind, but he pushed on regardless. He noticed it in the others as well. Most of the soldiers he knew, Garrison soldiers who had fled Shiganshina alongside him and the civilians during its collapse. A few others were those who had enlisted to the Garrison after the district fell, those too young to be sent in the original 'reclamation' efforts and had been spared the slaughter.

For all of them however, the excitement of seeing their old home was swiftly being replaced by a sense of melancholy. Shiganshina was a ruin. Ravaged by time, by the original Titans, and then finally the wall Titans. All along their ride they had seen the destruction caused by said creatures, the up kick of trenches in the earth from their trample. Small houses and farms that had been caught in their path and smashed down to foundations.

Shiganshina was barely left standing after all that had happened, yet Hannes recognised so much of it so quickly. The convoy followed along the former canal, passing by the wreckage of one boat that had been unable to escape. The main road was still sufficiently standing to direct them, reaching the mouth of the former district in a neat column.

As they came to a halt, there was a moment of silent reflection among those returning. The commander of the convoy began to bark out orders, splitting off teams to pre-assigned areas as their escorts began to roam the area freely. Whilst they were ostensibly there in case of security, or simply to provide general assistance, Hannes and the others were free to travel where they wanted until required.

Hannes followed the roads, many free of most debris as they had been crushed and compressed by the wall Titans. The town was full of memories as he roamed, one of particular pain when he came across the one home he had been looking for.

The Jaeger house had been caved in by a rock at the start of the breach, and since then it had lost most of the floor above ground. Still, that wasn't what he was interested in. He pulled the key from his neck, the one that Eren had given to him before he had left for the expedition. Eren had wanted to go, but had been unwilling to leave Mikasa's side, asking Hannes in his stead.

Access to the basement was covered by debris, large sections of wooden beams and bricks that he had to remove by hand. Thankfully, the small number of tools he'd brought with his horse were sufficient. The staircase down was a wreck but he managed his way down carefully, only having a slight scratch when one of the steps broke beneath his foot.

The basement itself had held up surprisingly well, only covered by immense amounts of dust and dirt. The door to the room itself was still in one piece, until Hannes broke the door down with his tools. He wasn't sure what he might have been looking for, something out of the ordinary he supposed. A room full of medicine and medical knowledge wasn't what he had expected at all.

A valuable set of resources perhaps, the convoy would certainly be happy, but it would be nothing that would bring closure to Eren or Carla. Hannes frowned as he walked inside, lighting a torch to see better in the darkness. There was nothing that he could see that was worth the secrecy that Grisha had acted with for so much of his life.

Hannes knew the truth now, knew who Grisha had been. Hannes was looking for answers to a question that had already been solved, yet he found himself growing frustrated. He held up a book and perused through it quickly, scanning it for anything other than the medical knowledge it detailed inside.

"Is this all you left behind Grisha? Your son wanted to know the truth, yet you lied to him for so many years. Lied to him, lied to Mikasa, lied to your wife. Damn you, you son of a bitch. You know how much she mourned you? She spent so long wondering about you. Where you went, why you hid so much from her. Well come on then, here's your chance for some honesty. Just give her something. She deserves that at least."

Only silence answered his ramblings, leaving Hannes only further depressed with his lack of progress. He checked through every book, every vial, every scrap of paper he saw before he sat down at the desk. He checked the drawers one by one until he found one that finally stood out.

A locked drawer. He held his breath, trying desperately to squash down the excitement that seemed to bubble up inside. The key unlocked it to reveal… nothing. His hand felt around inside in disbelief, mind completely faltering until he felt the wobble of a false bottom. He groaned, then lifted out the bottom to look inside and see a book.

There was a small portrait of Grisha, alongside his first wife and son. It was incredibly finely detailed, and Hannes assumed this must have been what Dina had called a "photograph". Hannes thumbed over the cover of the book, debating on whether or not to read it. Ultimately, he decided against it.

He slipped the book inside of a saddle bag and marked the medicine for reclamation as he returned to his work. If there were any words of comfort that they could find inside the book, it was for the Jaegers to know, not him.

As he let however, he couldn't help but take a moment to gaze out at where the wall had been. He'd seen the land beyond the walls before, he'd been at the top many times before Shiganshina had fallen. Now however, he looked out with a new feeling. A sense of real hope for the future.

He wondered when he would see the world fully beyond their island.

The scout headquarters was quiet as Jean and the others entered. They were quiet too, dressed in their parade uniforms and each one holding a glass of alcohol. The lantern that flickered between them all was their only source of light. Each one stood around the lantern in deep contemplation.

"To Connie."

Jean held up his drink in remembrance, the others following in unison.

"To Connie!"

Each took a deep gulp of their drink, slapping their cups down onto the table. A few cringed under the strength of the alcohol, a luxury that few had been able to experience before.

"That's disgusting stuff Sasha, where did you steal that from?"

"A girl never reveals her secrets Jean." Sasha smiled but her eyes still held the sadness and grief from losing her best friend. "But if any of the MPs get released and ask about their belongings, you didn't hear a thing."

"I'll tell them honestly." Mina spat. "They want to complain, they're welcome to try."

"Fuck the lot of 'em I say." Franz gripped his cup tightly, relaxing only slightly as his girlfriend Hanna placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Hanna was the only one present who had not been directly part of Connie's team at the time of his death. A funeral had been held, a collective one for all those who had passed during the insurrection. It had been a nice affair, with all available Scouts in their best uniforms to salute the fallen and honour their memory.

Commander Erwin had given a speech. It was a nice one, a final salute to their sacrifice. He espoused about their bravery, and all that had been gained as a result of their effort. That a new and brighter future laid before them as a result of their actions. Posthumous medals had been awarded to the friends and family of the deceased, one of which Sasha had kept hold of tightly since it had been given to her.

Erwin had spoken Connie's name as he gave her the medal, mentioning how Connie had passed as well as the fate of his home village. Erwin had known Connie, and yet he also hadn't. He had spoken of Connie's bravery and fortitude in a way that just hadn't fit. The whole ceremony had felt so impersonal. It hadn't been truly about Connie at all, too distant and spread over all those who had died.

"Connie at least never had to drink this stuff." Armin muttered, grimacing at his cup.

"Not true actually." Sasha smiled at the memory. "Before Trost, he and I snuck into the officers quarters and found something like this. We took a few swigs but that stuff actually tasted even worse."

"Really? You never mentioned it."

"Well it wasn't that good, and the next day was Trost…"

"Right." A silence began to descend over the group of friends.

"Why do people drink alcohol like this, it's disgusting." Mina wondered aloud. Each of them was in agreement, with a few even taking a drink of water to wash the bitterness out of their mouths.

To their surprise, Jean suddenly burst into laughter and clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle it. "That's… that's why he hit the Titan!" Confused expressions locked onto him, forcing Jean to elaborate. "In Trost, during the counter offensive when my gear was broken, Connie tried to distract one of the Titans." He broke into a spate of giggles at the memory. "He- he smacked right into the Titan! Bounced right off the things head!"

Snorts broke into chuckles, and the group descended into joyous laughter at the mental image.

"He was such a goof!"

"I can't believe he did that."

"I can. Who knows how he got into the top 10 when he was bouncing off things all the time."

"Anyone remember that time when he almost flew into Shadis? I thought the man was gonna kill him."

"I think he almost did, but he knew we were watching."

"Can't kill a cadet with witnesses huh?"

"Don't mention it to him. He would kill you just to prove you wrong."

The conversations continued. With the taboo of silence fully broken, the team all reminisced about their days in the cadets. From Connie's antics, to their own as a group, the memories of friends who they had since lost. It had been a simpler time then, even though they hadn't really known it.

"Do you think any of us would believe it, if someone told us what things would be like in only a few years' time?" Jean himself doubted it, thinking not only of the knowledge about the world beyond but also of Gohan and his powers.

"You mean that the boy we trained with would save us all, tear down the walls, and at one point turn into a giant monkey? No, not likely."

"I still can't believe it." Mina admitted. "For a hundred years all we knew were the walls. Now, everything's changed so quickly."

"All thanks to your boyfriend." Jean teased. Mina didn't even blush, only smiling dreamily.

"If only."

"Here here sister." Sasha held up a cup in toast, Mina clinking her drink against it.

"I thought you two were in a rivalry about Gohan?"

"Relax Armin." Sasha put her arm around Mina's shoulder in a side hug. "Competition's over and we both lost. Now we're sharing our misery together."

"At least you got a kiss." Mina rolled her eyes at Sasha but didn't pull away. "I didn't get a damn thing."

"Sorry Mina." Hanna added in. "But I think you need to do more than gaze lovingly from the distance to attract someone."

"That's what you did with Franz!"

Hanna blushed, squeezing closer into her boyfriend's side. "Franz was a special case."

"Gohan could have been a special case too…"

"Clearly wasn't." Sasha gave Mina a squeeze, the girl flushing with embarrassment. "Sorry sister, better luck next time."

"It's not fair…"

Jean stared at the two of them in bemusement, shaking his head. "I don't understand women." He turned to Armin who looked just as confused as him and raised a glass in consolation. "To not understanding women?"

"A bigger mystery than the Titans."

They clinked and took a drink as Sasha made noises of mock offence.

Mikasa stared out of the window in silence. She had been doing that more and more lately, and each time Eren saw her it tore him up inside. She didn't even react as he came up by her side and set down next to her. She wasn't looking at anything, just the vague darkness of the city.

"Mum's staying in a room down the hall. Her legs are acting up again, one of the doctors think she might have strained something during the kidnapping. They're checking her out, but she should be fine aside from some mild pain."

Mikasa nodded mutely. She did care, deeply, but after the news had been given to her she had fallen into a depressive episode that Eren would never have believed possible.

"Mikasa, I… are you…" Are you okay? Of course not, he knew the answer to that already. He cut himself off and thought more deeply on how to phrase his real question. "What are you going to do?"

"Do?" She turned her head slightly in confusion. "What can I do? I don't- I can't…"

She shook slightly, and his arms wrapped around her. He couldn't believe there had once been a time where he would have hesitated. That he had been so wrapped up in his own anger and frustration that he wouldn't have been able to be there for her.

"I don't understand Eren, what can I do?"

He bit his cheek as he tried to be careful with his words. "I just mean, what will you do now? Do you still want to stay in the military? They would give you leave if you wanted, there wouldn't be any shame in it."

She laughed bitterly. "Shame? I never cared about any of that. I'm only here because- because I wanted to protect you, to keep you safe. Now? The war's over. The Titans are dead, and whatever happens next will be up to Gohan."

"He'll need help too. I know he'll train us, more of us."

"It won't matter." Mikasa had a strangely dark look to her eyes as she spat the words. "You saw what he was capable of. You felt his power when he transformed. There's nothing any of us could do to come anywhere close to his level. Face it, I'm-… I'm irrelevant. You don't need me to protect you, I can't help the country, and I can't live another life. I don't have a life outside of this uniform, and now I can't do anything!"

She stood abruptly, knocking over a small table in her anger.

"No future as a fighter! No future as a mother! And in a few years you'll be gone! There's nothing I can do about any of it! I don't have a future anymore! I can't- AH!"

She fell back against the wall with a hand clutching her abdomen. Eren was by her side instantly, inspecting as she broke down into painful cries. She'd pulled on her stiches, bleeding slightly. He pressed a cloth to them and held her tightly as she openly cried.

Eren had never known Mikasa to be an emotional person. Seeing her weep so openly tore him up inside.

"I can't- what am I supposed to do Eren? I can't have a family of my own. My parents are dead. You'll be dead too. What am I- I can't-… Eren."

She squeezed him back tightly. She was spiralling in the despair of it all, her life being flipped on its head so suddenly and with seemingly no hope of a normal life. Eren didn't know what to do as he held her in his arms. He just, he didn't know what to do.

"I know Mikasa."

It was all he could say. He knew the ticking clock that was hanging over him as well, the few short years he seemed to have left. He had spent a lot of time since that moment wondering just what he was going to do. In a moment, he felt he knew the answer.

Tentatively, his hand reached out and took hers. He laced her fingers through hers, and she looked at him with confused and teary eyes.

"I don't know what to do either Mikasa. But I… if you'll have me, I think I want to spend my last years with you."

Disbelief was in her eyes as she looked at him. He didn't fully understand his feelings for her, and he suspected she didn't understand hers for him either. But both of them knew that they cared deeply for each other. They loved one another in a way that they didn't understand.

But both of them were willing to find out.

"Eren, I…" Her hand shook until she gripped his hand back. Resolutely holding onto him, she slowly leaned in. With the hesitation of inexperience, Eren leaned in at the same time.

They kissed softly. Unsure and nervous of their relationship, of their feelings, and of their future. But determined to find out together. They kissed softly at first, until confidence and emotion reared forth.

They kissed each other with love.