I'll shoot the sparrows

I had laid myself to sleep in my old bed. I'd fed her kittens and aired out the place. I had promised myself to bury her the next day. I'd picked out the place; under the tree we'd carved out name in. 

It took me an hour to get up and force myself to go into her apartement again. I fed the cats. I was afraid to go into the bedroom, all of a sudden she had become something scary. She wasn't the loving woman I knew she was just a shell of a human, a side-effect of evolution. 

I was relieved to go outside. I'd thought about setting Jack and Jamie free but they'd just die out here. I'd have to bring them back to the farm even if it killed me to look at them. I walked to the park. The fresh air promised life after Joline's death but my heart told me it'd never be the same. 

I traced the lines with my thumb. I should have asked her to come. I should have. I cursed myself but ended up in tears. I leaned against the tree. If someone, anyone, could help me. Help me dig a grave for the beautiful flower that had wilted. I loved you Joline. I still do. 

I didn't have a shovel and had no idea where to get one. Had I been thinking clearly I would have remembered that there was a tool shop two streets down, but I couldn't think straight. I also wanted to hurt. I began digging up the earth with my fingers. The dirt wormed it's way under my nails. 

You know those children who wail and keep wailing and cannot be comforted? That's what I felt like. Only that I coudn't wail like a child anymore because my vocal chords made my voice deep. Sometimes I lost all the strength in my arms and would just end up sobbing and burying my face in my dirty hands. 

How could I have left her? How could I have abandonned her? She was the twinkle in my eye, she was my anchor, she was the breath on my lips. Pain makes me poetic. It also makes me chaotic. The unpredictability seized me; one minute I was a working man; digging a hole already three feet deep, the next I was a dysfunctional wreck. A junkie who'd lost his horse. 

I'd like to give you a peek into my mind; into the chaos we call life. Into a chaos that would have made evolution impossible yet at the same time made humans be human. Enjoy my pain. 

I need to make this deeper, it's only about four Jolines deep. I didn't mean to feed Joline this morning, why was I feeding her catfood? The hole was in the fridge I guess. I need to make it deeper. It won't hold her body. It won't even hold mine. She's smaller than me. She's tiny, like a cat. Do I have to dig graves for them too. Joline, can you pass me a shovel, my arms are tired. Why is the sun setting, Joline, isn't it still early? I didn't get far enough. I didn't get farm enough. I have to somehow go back I said Id only be gone for four feet. I should drink a sip of water. If I had a gun I'd shoot the sparrows, Joline, I'd shoot them all. They'd fall into the hole, the hole is big enough for them. 

I was delerious. It might have been due to dyhydration, grief and exhaustion. I'd never felt as bad before and I never felt as bad since. Joline ruined me. I was a changed man. Forever.

I didn't finish the grave that night. I was too tired to return to my cell of a bedroom so I just curled up at the bottom of the hole. I risked my life that night, unnecesarrily. If a Nart would have come I'd have been eaten alive. If it had rained I would have died in Julia's grave. I mean Joline's. I was no Romeo: I loved life too much to kill myself. I just fucking loved it too much. But Joline was Julia; she'd murdered herself because I'd left her. It was my fault, everything was my fault. 

I'm still sorry, Joline. I dream about you, a lot.