Home, sweet Home...

I threw the bicycle at the steps of the apartement building and ran all the way up to to Joline's apartement. I was panting and choughing and totally fucking breathless as I reached the top but it was worth it; I'd be able to see her, to see Joline!

I knocked so hard on the fucking door that I was almost afraid it might break down altogether.

Nobody answered.

I rapped my knuckles onto the smooth surface again. "Joline, it's me Mack! I'm back!" I called. 

No answer.

I knocked again, pounding my fist against the door. 

As nobody came to the door I realized that she might be out. I slumped against the wall and let myself slide down until my ass touched the floor. I sat there, waiting.

Like a patient father waiting for his child to come out of surgery, waiting for the doctors to say she was okay, I waited for Joline. It got worse by the minute; I needed to see her, to touch her, to hold her close!

I'm not the most patient motherfucker. After about fifteen minutes I decided to try and knock down the door. I tried it and sucseeded but it almost cost me my arm. Rubbing my sore muscles I stepped inside. 

I immediatally knew something was wrong due to the stuffy smell in the air. Nobody had aired out the place in at least a week. The kitchen table was messy; the floor was littered with cat-shit. 

My heart slipped into my boots. "Joline?" I called softly. There was no answer. I noticed her shoes were by the door; she wasn't out. The door to the bedroom was closed. I stared at it. Why would she not have aired out the apartement, why would she let her cats use the floor as a bathroom? Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. One of her kittys was cowering under the couch. I dropped to my heels and softly called it. I got a meow as an answer. "What's up with Joline, is she alright? Is she in there Kitty? We could use some more cats at the farm, would you like to come with us, with me and Joline?" I talked to it. It emerged from it's hiding place and trotted up to me. I stroked it's furry back. Such a cute tom-cat. I didn't remember if it was Jack or Jamie. I'd never liked their names anyway. "I'm going to go in and check on Mrs. Cat-Lady-Joline." I said. He purred and rubbed up against me. 

I stood up and walked to the door. I slowly opened it. It creaked in disaproval. "Joline?" I whispered. 

Joline was a sorry sight. She lay sprawled out on the bed unmoving. I could tell there was something very wrong with her. I entered the room. "Joline?" I whispered. "Are you alright?" I neared her. She was lying on her stomache so I coudn't see her chest rise and fall. I didn't know if she was alive or not. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my hand on her wrist. She was cold as stone and I didn't feel a heart-beat. "Oh come on Joline, don't fuck with me." I prodded her in the side, she didn't move. I slowly turned her over. Her eyes were wide open and glazed over. She was dead. 

I stared into my late lovers eyes. "Joline?" I asked, my voice broke. I didn't want to accept her death. I couldn't. I just couldn't. "Joline?" I lovingly stroked her cheek. I could see the snail-trail of tears on her face. She'd been crying. Had she been crying about me? Had she commited suicide because I'd left? I didn't see any injuries, there was no blood. Nothing. Oh Joline...

I lay down next to her and closed my eyes. It's better not to disturb the dead. I did something I hadn't done in a while. I started to pray. I held her hand to my chest as I did. 

Dear God in Heavan, let this woman into Your heart as I let her into mine. Treat her with love and respect for that is how she treated me, grant her eternal life beyond death. I promise to honor her name and keep her memory alive in my heart and mind. I loved her with my soul, flesh and blood, I ask You to tell her this. Let her be my guardian angel who looks over me and keeps me from doing wrong. Let her guide me and be with me every step of my way, just as You and Jesus Christ are. I thank You for our time together. I thank You for blessing me with life. Amen. 

I started to cry. I left the room. I couldn't stand to see her lifeless. I wanted my last memory of her to be the time I'd scratched her name into the wood. I wanted to see her as the joyous and self-confident woman I'd fallen for. 

I didn't want to see her as a corpse. A dead body with sunken eyes like the man I'd seen under the door. 

Life wasn't fair to Joline. Will it be fair to me?