Relapses

"Jay…. Jay?" …. he was calling to the lost person before him, "You're spacing out again".

Jay snapped back and looked behind. He jumped over the bench and sat next to her feeling comfortable.

"You seem calm today?", he mockingly complimented, "are you trying to come around?"

Jay calmly shook her head, "No! It hasn't triggered in a while now. There's no prick and thus I'm not affected easily. It'll take time".

He nodded understanding.

"Or rather you would have me like this?", Jay added suddenly, "So that it's not much for you to do?". Immediately his expression disappeared.

It was that mode where he starts his form, that face took over him. His eyes were not icy like before, but the usual warmth was no more found. He puckered his lips, furrowed his eyebrows and turned towards Jay slowly. That face said that Jay has done it again, her words had gotten him. She was taken aback.

She never denied that he was incredibly handsome, even if she realized that he had never wore it for fraud and it was natural enough. His charms never overpowered her, but whenever he decides to freeze and look at her with those dark beautiful eyes, it's hard to ignore!

"If that's the case you think….", he started with a deep essence," …. I will never let you return to being normal again, I swear!". It sounded suddenly like a threat.

Jay was bewildered and surprised.

His eyes reflected darkness and honesty in them, "Because then, it's you who won't need me anymore. Rather kill you than have you live without you needing me!!!". He said and he didn't seem like joking.

Jay wasn't the least bit afraid of his words. But even still it was too extreme for him to say it out just like that.

She breathed a sigh of relax. Using each other also links with needing each other. She herself knew it was impossible for her to be normal even if he did all he could to cure her. So, when he uttered those words, she had never felt more relieved.

Never let you return back...

Rather have you dead......

Jay closed and opened her eyes pleased.

But to her shock the surroundings had instantly changed. She turned her head all over around, where is she? Where did he go? The air felt more colder in the confined place. And also, she's not dead yet!

She didn't realize when did she doze off. Her wounds were covered and Chris had left. She was covered with a blanket.

Jay clicked her tongue. No use of showing such kindness and care when she knows it isn't going to pay. After all, they destroyed it all. She never cared when he was around too. Well, that'd be a complete lie!

Every now and then she keeps dreaming about him on purpose. In real, she promised she would let him go, but when she couldn't get him out of her head the first day they encountered, it was already a done deal!

Does she miss him?

Is this what is called loneliness?

For him? Or is it only that she needed him for just survival?

Was it just survival? Nothing more?

She's reluctant to miss his absence, as well as let him go. Isn't this state worse than her current? Yet she can't. She knew the aftermath would be horrible and it came sooner than she thought.

Now, there's no one left. No one to talk to.

Jay pulled her knees to her chest as she got up and wrapped her arms around them, hugging. She completely curled herself in. That's a cue of completely burying her raging emotions in a pitch-dark pit. Keeping herself desolated and suppressing in. she covered her face amongst her longer locks. Her insomnia struck! Such a threat it was that she had the patience to spend each night sitting like that.

Her inner voices were deafening!!! Her deepest of wishes…...

Somebody please help me…...

Help me get outta myself

Kill me…...

End this cursed phase, save me….

I'm dying, want to live…. die….

A soft knock made her break out of her daze. The clock on the wall was just for show and not purpose. She only noticed the time when slant faded sun rays pierced through the seeps of her dark room. It was morning already. Time had never played a very good role in her life….

Her ghost form was maintained for the whole night. Her eyes were stark open, without any blink, without a tear.

She was still alive. Her senses had teleported.

Chris called softly "Jay, are you up?", a foolish question to ask on his part, "Come down and eat then".

Jay recalled his voice and jerked up. Her muscles sore as she moved. The soft vibration of her movement as she stepped down the bed gave Chris his cue. She entered the washroom and reflected a person in front with totally bloodshot eyes. They stung! As if she cried whole night! But unfortunately, again, Jay has no ability to cry. She never could! Not when her folks left her at the age of 4 to work overseas, not when she was bullied or not when Arthur was in an accident almost in his deathbed. Never!!!

Emotions could never touch her.

Only once…...only he could have…...just once that time….and that's it!

Few splashes of cold water brought back her eyes to normal. It was weekend, Jay had the whole day free to herself…...to do nothing at all.

That's a relief!

Because for her, waking up is even a torture. She sometime wished if she could hibernate, but drags herself to make it through her life. It would false to call her life monotonous on that.

She noticed the half-peeled band-aid on her neck and face. She tore them off mercilessly, such bother! Chris tries and insist to cover them up since there is an already open reputation earned in college that Jay is involved with gangs and thugs. Around every 3rd of each month she shows up totally banged up and bruised just for Chris to receive call as her guardian.

Jay looked at herself for a second. Just a glance.

They were less obvious now. She strolled downstairs when Chris gave a second call.

Unexpectedly, Arthur was present that day. Jay didn't even budge his presence. She sat and just hung her head low, avoiding even a sight coming from him.

But being the elder one, he never entertained Jay unlike Chris. He was himself brought up under too strict supervision and received no chance to enjoy leisure. So, when Jay was born, he had decided to let her have a better environment than his. He wanted to keep her from their folks and dreamt of the family he never had. At least for Jay, he cared for a lot but couldn't express it. Had Jay been the normal girl for her age, she would have been cheerful and they would have the perfect family.

Arthur stared at her for a while and waited, no words coming from her.

"Not even a greeting early morning?", his hoarse voice said.

Jay ignored.

Chris was aware of the situation among the siblings, but never interfered.

"Look up at me", more commanding and louder this time.

Jay stopped what she was doing and looked somewhere else, depicting that she's all ears now. The bruises under her eye and her lip were still red. Arthur's expression remained unchanged.

"How much longer and more can you continue?", he asked with folded arms, "You think you have long endurance?", his words were a mix of worry, cross and patience lessness.

Jay stole a glare for a second.

"If Mum and Dad gets to know all these, what do you think will happen? 'Arthur resorted to a useless topic to provoke her.

That is, it!

That is where they ruin things. The actual thing…

All of them, are just the same. Every one just thinks about themselves. That's where the difference lies. Jay just kept quiet.

"You think they'll let you stay here any longer?", Arthur just continued. It's not true that he was worried about himself, if Jay is dragged back in his situation then all his efforts will go in just vain. He wanted to avoid the exact in the first place.

Jay spoke.

"They care? News to me", Jay's short replies are enough for anyone to stop, "you care too? Breaking that is!", she just glared without a flinch.

Chris dropped his task immediately and turned at her, "Jay!".

Arthur raised a hand to stop him, "Like I care?", he was stunned," Fighting with them for months so that you can have something free to live on, and you say as if I don't have any right at all? You're right, just wasting my effort on someone so ungrateful".

Chris was frozen, he had never witnessed things go this bad. This is longest of words they had exchanged in so many months, but the aura emitted was chilling and forced. Arthur really had it enough, but Jay wasn't to blame either. Chris was just the middle person.

Jay was playing with the spoon at the edge of the table. Her eyes focused on it. Her ears alert like a predator but her head avoiding the stares on her. The spoon was shaking weakly, anytime soon it'll lose its balance and fall. Arthur and Chris were still fixed on her.

The spoon fell.

Jay stopped moving with still a dropped head.

"I...", she started to speak with a low tone," …. have no appetite". And pushing her chair back she exited the room. No anger in her voice, no sadness in her eyes... no regrets….

Chris looked at Arthur disappointed.

Arthur clenched his teeth hard as his jaw strengthened, he sighed, "I was never this harsh on her before".

"It's fine Arthur", Chris assured," It's Jay, words don't reach her. She probably left coz she didn't want to have any more conversation".

Arthur was still repenting, "Take her meal to her room later, I'll leave for the day".

.....................…

Jay locked herself in the room and climbed on the bed. There was one possible way by which she could keep her mind frozen for a while and keep herself from getting triggered by her doom. It didn't have much effect and with less duration.

But it can only take actions at specific moments. Whenever she's outdoors, she has got no secluded place all to herself. That's why she gets struck faster. So, it can only take place when she is isolated in her room.

She just recovered from an almost outbreak, and the unstability is already striking again. Conversations with Chris and Arthur doesn't get her since she's used to them. But this sudden argument had drained all the calm fluid from within. Wounds haven't faded yet, and she had started speaking…...

- It feels so good to pop out every now and then these days.

- It doesn't to me.

- What, now your own family is slicing your nerves now?

- That's not true.

- You're growing more vulnerable.

- It's not me it's you!! It's always you!

- This continues….and you're not gonna make it even for a day.

- I will, definitely will. Coz I promised him…...

- You're not living, you're just not dying!!!

- I am?

- All you need to do is to surrender to me, like before...

It was lie to say that Jay was giving her best in resisting. At times even she feels tired and feel like letting go. Let go of the shackles she has the key to, and let them flow on their own will. After all, she also just a young kid.

She had pulled up her knees closer to her chin and curled up clasping her arms around.

Stay low….

Stay down...

Stay put...

Better, it's working. Maintain this meditation.

Another knock on the door. Jay didn't move a muscle anymore.

Concentrate, don't get swayed!!!

Chris stood for a while holding the tray of breakfast. He didn't call out for her. He knows she's heard. When she didn't open it, it was cue for him to leave. He didn't bother her anymore after a while and left.

Jay lied motionless like a corpse.