11

When I arrived at the hospital, dumiretso agad ako sa emergency room. Nakita ko sa labas si manang kaya tumakbo ako papalapit sa kanya.

"Manang, anong nangyari? Kumusta si lola?"

"Ma'am Asther, eh hindi pa po lumalabas ang doctor eh." She said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Hindi ko po alam ma'am. Nasa kusina po kasi ako, nagluluto. Tapos nung umakyat ako sa kwarto ni senyora nakita ko siya sa sofa wala nang malay. Tinapik tapik ko nga yung mukha niya pero hindi naman nagising. Kaya natakot ako tapos tumawag agad kami ng ambulansya." She said closed to crying.

I nodded. Si manang Nita, mayordoma namin at ang isa naming helper ang nandito. Nasaan si mommy?

"Si mommy?" I asked.

"Pumunta po siyang Manila noong lunes ma'am tapos hanggang ngayon hindi pa nakakabalik sa bahay." She said.

She went to Manila? Bakit? Para kausapin si Psyche? If so, then I loathed her for stepping that low just so she could ruin my relationship with Psyche.

"Sila daddy? Na inform na ba?" I asked.

"Ma'am natawagan na po namin sila sir Marco, mamaya pa pong madaling araw ang flight nila. Tapos si daddy mo naman po hindi po namin ma contact eh"

I only nodded. Pina-uwi ko na rin sila manang Nita. Wala kasing mag-aasikaso sa bahay at ayoko namang maiwan ang bahay ng walang mayordoma. I waited for almost an hour bago lumabas ang doctor. Tumayo agad ako para salubungin siya.

"Doc, how's my lola?" I asked. He's my dad's friend.

"Asther, ikaw lang? Nasaan ang daddy at tito mo?" He asked.

"Parating pa sila. Bakit po?"

"Gusto ko sanang sabihin kapag completo na kayo–"

He stopped talking when I diverted my attention to my lola who's now lying on a stretcher. She's sleeping but she looked so pale. Pinuntahan ko agad si lola at sinabayan ang stretcher na maghahatid sa kanya sa kwarto niya. The doctor also accompanied me. He told me na babalik siya mamaya para sa results ng tests na ginawa nila kay lola. After a couple of hours bumalik ang doctor.

"Asther, alam mo naman na your lola has a high blood pressure right?" He asked, I nodded. "These past few days, she's been experiencing nausea, chest pain, dyspnea, and dizziness. Her high blood pressure caused her left ventricle to enlarge which caused her heart muscles to weaken."

He inhaled deeply.

"We did an electrocardiogram to asses her heart rate and rythm. We also did an x-ray. And... Her high blood pressure led her to have a Dilative Cardiomegaly. Her left ventricle is functioning poorly and we both know it's the primary pumping chamber of our heart." He said.

"What do you suggest doc? Heart transplant?" I asked.

"We cannot do heart transplant because of her medical history and her age. The operation is too risky, she might not be able to survive. But we can relay on medications. With a proper diet and healthy lifestyle then she could survive cardiomegaly." He said.

"Is it permanent?" I asked.

Because what I know about cardiomegaly is that it could be permanent or temporary. But the doctor said it's still uncertain. Wala namang may sakit sa puso sa pamilya namin kaya umaasa ako na temporary lang ito.

Around five am dumating si Marco at ang daddy niya. Hindi na ako nakatulog simula kanina dahil sa pag-aalala kay lola. Nakalimutan ko na nga yung exams ko mamaya. How can I focus on reviewing when my lola is lying on a hospital bed having an uncertain condition.

"Astherielle"

Marco said. He hugged me tight and then walked towards lola. I also give tito a hug.

"What happened Asther?" Tito asked.

"Nasa condo ako when manang Nita called and told me na dinala nila si lola dito. Naabutan nalang daw nila na walang malay si lola sa kwarto nito." I said, ashamed because I wasn't there when it happened.

"What did the doctors said?" Marco asked.

"Because of Lola's high blood pressure, nagkaroon po siya ng dilative cardiomegaly." I said

"Ano yun iha?" Tito asked.

"Cardiomegaly is an enlargement of the heart. In her case it's dilative cardiomegaly... uhm... her left ventricle is functioning poorly which caused her chest pains and dyspnea, yun pong hindi makahinga. Her left ventricle also enlarged which caused her heart muscle to weaken. Ang left ventricle po natin yun po yung primary pumping chamber ng puso natin." I said.

"What will happen now?" Tito asked.

"Since we can't do heart transplant because it's risky, we have to relay on her medications and she must maintain a healthy lifestyle." I said.

After I explained everything to them, I excused myself. Sabi ko lalabas lang ako sandali. I just needed to breathe. Kakagaling ko lang sa away namin ni Psyche tapos ito yung nangyari kay lola. Yung pagod, gutom, at antok naghalo-halo na sa katawan ko.

I went to the garden of the hospital. Sobrang ganda ng mga halaman at bulaklak dito. Unti unti na ring nakikita ang liwanag galing sa papasilang na araw. I was seated at one of the benches when someone sat beside me. I looked at that person...

...it was Marco. I never expected Psyche to be here but why do I feel sadness when it was Marco and not him who came here?

"Hey" he said.

"S-sorry ha, kasi hindi ko naalagaan ng maayos si lola. S-sorry kasi wala ako sa bahay noong nangyari yun." I said.

Tumulo na naman ang mga luha ko. Kanina ko pa 'to pinipigilan kasi wala naman akong ibang choice. Hindi naman pwedeng kuma-usap ako sa mga doctor na namumugto ang mga mata. Ito yung mahirap kapag mag-isa ka eh kasi wala kang ibang masasandalan kundi ang sarili mo.

"Sorry if I became too busy with my life na hindi ko napansin na may karamdaman na pala si lola. I wasn't vigilant enough."

He hugged me sideways and tapped my head slowly.

"It wasn't your fault. I should be the one saying sorry kasi iniwan ko kayo. I should just have stayed here." He said.

"It was my fault because I was too irresponsible." I said.

"Ang tigas ng ulo" He chuckled. "I shouldn't have left you and lola alone here. Ako yung nangako kay lolo na aalagaan ko si lola pero ikaw yung tumupad sa pangakong yon. I'm sorry if I depended on you too much. Alam ko kasing kaya mo eh kaya hinayaan nalang kita. You also didn't asked help. Hindi ko naisip na magiging busy ka sa pag-aaral, na may buhay ka rin na dapat mong pagtuonan ng pansin."

He faced me and wiped my tears away.

"You did good, and I'm so proud of you. But since I'm here now, ako na ang bahala sa lahat. Magpahinga ka na ha, nandito na si kuya."

That made me cry even more. Kahit naman kasi magpinsan lang kami talagang tinuring niya akong nakababatang kapatid. Silang dalawa lang naman kasi ni Isla ang nakakita sa mahinang ako. Kahit si Psyche hindi pa nakita kung hanggang saan ang kahinaan ko.

I refused to go home because I don't want to leave lola behind. Kung hindi pa ako tinawagan ni Isla para sa exams namin ay hindi talaga ako aalis sa hospital.

I almost missed my exams, late nga ako ng 30 minutes eh. Kung hindi ko pa sinabi sa prof ko na nanggaling pa ako sa hospital ay hindi niya ako pagbibigyan. Good thing Isla backed me up kaya mas lalong naniwala sa akin ang prof namin. After taking the exams, bumalik agad ako sa condo para kunin ang iba kong notes na naiwan ko kanina dahil sa pagmamadali. I was walking down the hallway when I saw Psyche standing in front of my door. Nakatitig lang siya sa pinto ko, contemplating whether he'll knock or not.

"Psyche" I called him softly.

He looked at me with wide eyes. I wanted to run towards him, hug him and tell him how tired I am pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. First because our conversation yesterday didn't went well. Second, I don't know if he'll let me. Third, I'm a little hurt because of his piercing words from yesterday.

"Bakit hindi ka pumasok. Binigyan kita ng susi diba?" I asked him while unlocking my door.

"Nasa wallet ko. I left it yesterday with my phone." He said.

Kaya ba hindi siya sumasagot sa akin dahil naiwan niya ang phone niya sa condo? I looked around to find his wallet and phone, it turned out nasa bedside table ko pala. Kinuha ko tapos binigay ko sa kanya. Then I went to my living room to scan my notes.

He was just standing near the countertop, staring at me.

"How's your exams?" He asked.

"Okay lang. Medyo na late pero nakaraos naman." I said.

"Wala ka nang ibang exam?"

"Meron pa, isa. Pero mamayang 4 pm pa yun." I said.

He nodded and walked towards me. I gasped when he hugged me so tight and burried his face on my neck. I didn't move. But I hugged him in return.

"I'm sorry babe... I'm so sorry... forgive me please, I'm so sorry."

He kept on saying sorry. I can feel his tears on my shoulders. I am hurting again because my Psyche is hurting. Hinarap niya ako at pinunasan ang mga mga luha niya.

"I don't care anymore. Wala kong pake'alam kung ginamit mo lang ako, kung pinaglalaruan, I don't care. Use me all you want but please... please don't leave me. I love you so much baby... please."

Iniisip niya talaga na ginamit ko lang siya? Naniwala talaga siya na kaya kong gawin yun? Ganun ba talaga ka baba ang tingin niya sa akin para isiping kaya ko siyang paglaruan?

"P-paano mo na'isip yun? Paano mo nagawang paniwalaan yun? You really thought I could sacrifice my life para lang pagbigyan si lola sa hiling niya? You really thought kaya kong sikmurain na gamitin ka? Ganun ba ka baba ang tingin mo sa akin?

Alam mo bang sobrang mahal kita, at ni minsan hindi ko inisip na pinaglalaruan mo lang ako kasi may tiwala ako sa'yo. At alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit marinig mula sa'yo ang mga salitang yan? Mga salitang ni minsan hindi ko ginawa sa'yo." I said.

I covered my face as I cry nonstop. Punong puno na ako, ang sakit sakit na.

"Psyche sinagot kita kasi nakita ko kung gaano ka kaseryoso sa akin. Sinagot kita kasi kahit anong pagtataray, kahit anong sama ang ugali na ipakita ko sa'yo nanatili ka pa rin sa tabi ko. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko, ito na yung taong kaya akong intindihin, kaya akong tanggapin ng buong buo, kaya akong mahalin ng walang kapalit at kayang manatili sa tabi ko... tapos...

Aaminin ko, binalak kong gamitin ka at ipakilala kay lola para matigil na siya sa kakapilit sa akin na makipag relasyon. Pero alam mo, hindi ko tinuloy... kasi hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang manggamit ng tao, hindi ko kayang manakit ng tao. At lalong hindi ko kaya kasi unti unti nang nahuhulog ang loob ko sa'yo.

Sinagot kita kasi mahal na mahal na kita. Na kahit sobrang bilis, wala na akong pake'alam kasi ang alam ko lang hindi ko na kayang pakawalan ka, hindi ko na alam kung kaya ko pang mabuhay ng wala ka." I said.

He wiped my tears away. I saw pain and regret in his bloodshot eyes. Those eyes became his key to my soul. Those eyes melted my stoned heart.

"I'm sorry, hindi ko na kasi alam kung anong paniniwalaan ko. Sobrang mahal kita kaya sobrang nasaktan ako sa mga sinabi ng mommy mo. All the words that came out from her mouth just pierced through me. All of them sounded so real and me having my issues didn't helped." He said.

I caressed his face.

"Ano pa ang ibang sinabi ni mommy?" I asked. "Tell me please, tell me."

"She said that you used me, that you really didn't l-loved me. That you'll go to Canada after your graduation. And that you'll stay there for good... tapos ka na raw sa panggagamit sa akin kaya aalis ka na." He said.

I knew it. How can she say those things? Kulang pa ba na sinaktan niya ako noong umalis siya? Kulang pa ba lahat ng pangungulila ko sa kanya? Mahal na mahal ko si mommy pero hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa ba siyang patawarin sa nga kasinungalingan niya. Hindi ko na alam.

***

:)