12

"Why didn't you tell me about your issues?" I asked.

Ang dami daming problema namin. My mom's lies, his quick judgement, his obsession, my beliefs. Sobrang dami na nagkaipon-ipon na. We need to sort things out. We need to take action kasi kung hindi baka our relationship will meet its end. And I don't want that.

"It doesn't matter–"

"It does. Kasi ang buong akala ko wala tayong problema sa isa't isa. Tapos ngayon malalaman ko lang na natatakot ka pala. I don't want you to deal with your fears alone. I don't want you to stay in this relationship being afraid of what ifs and what could!" I said.

"I'm okay. Just don't leave me and I'll be fine." He said.

"Psyche it's not healthy. You're overthinking, you're being obsessed, you're being possessive, you're being eaten by your worries and fear. I don't want you to turn out to be someone whose always afraid to make mistakes and someone who's willing to forget his own worth just so I won't leave you!" I said.

He shooked his head. He doesn't want to listen because he knows where this is going. Kahit naman ayaw ko wala din akong magagawa eh. Ako yung nakakakita sa problema kaya responsibilidad kong ipakita sa kanya kung anong mali sa relasyon namin.

"Tell me, ano bang ayaw mo sa akin? Anong gusto mong sabihin?" I asked.

He shooked his head again.

"I want to fix this. So please, sabihin mo sa akin. Hindi ako magagalit." I said.

But still, hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita. Takot siyang magsalita kasi baka magalit ako sa opinyon niya. Bakit ngayon ko lang napansin ito? He always do everything for me, he always make sure na may approval ko lahat, nakalimutan niya ang mga gusto niya kasi tanging gusto ko nalang ang iniintindi niya.

"You know... I've never had a rough time loving you. Kasi ang dali mong mahalin. You're a very transparent person, lalo pag ako ang kasama mo. Kapag masaya ka, kitang kita sa mga mata mo. Kapag malungkot ka, kitang kita sa mga kilos mo. Kapag may gusto ka, sinasabi mo agad sa akin pero kahit ganun inuuna mo pa rin ang mga gusto ko. Kapag naman galit ka... hindi, kailan ka ba nagalit ng matindi sa akin, mahal?"

I stopped talking to wipe my tears away. I inhaled deeply as I look at the person in front of me. I love this man so much that I'm willing to compromise.

"I saw all your sides. Happy, mad, nagtatampo, well I saw your anger kahapon, and now I saw your obsessed side. And you know what, I still love you the way you are. Mas minahal pa nga kita lalo kasi nakaya mong ipakita sa akin ang iba't iba mong ugali.

Wag mong isipin na iiwan kita at ipagpapalit dahil lang dun. Kasi hindi, cause my love for you isn't that shallow. Pero alam mo na hindi magandang sumobra diba?"

"You love me too much, you're willing to sacrifice everything for me. And I thank you for that pero ayoko ng ganun. Ayokong mahalin mo ako ng sobra pa sa pagmamahal mo sa sarili mo. Kasi mauubos ka niyan, at ayokong maubos ka Psyche." I said.

"Are you gonna leave me because I love you too much?" He asked painfully.

"Of course not. I'll never leave you... it's you who needs to leave me–"

"That's bullshit babe. That's not gonna happen." He said.

"Psyche, listen to me–"

"No, ayaw ko. Pipilitin mo lang akong iwan ka. I will never agree–"

"Psyche makinig ka! We need this! Yung mga tanong sa utak ko ayaw akong patahimikin!

Hindi mawala sa isip ko yung mga sinabi mo kahapon... yung mga masasakit na salita na binitawan mo... yung mga panghuhusga mo! Ayaw nila akong tantanan!"

I shouted at him. I cried in front of him. I made him see my vulnerable side.

"Pinipilit ko namang labanan. Pero sa tuwing naaalala ko lahat... ang sakit sakit. Ang sakit k-kasi... kasi pinilit kong kalimutan lahat ng prinsipyo ko, lahat ng pinaniniwalaan ko pinilit kong kalimutan para lang sa'yo. Pero isang salita lang galing sa mommy ko naniwala ka kaagad.

Naniwala ka na kaya kong gawin yun sa'yo! Naniwala ka na kaya kitang saktan!"

"Pero ngayon, alam ko na. Naiintindihan ko na kung saan ka nanggagaling. At pinapatawad kita sa mga masasakit na salita na sinabi mo sa akin. I forgive you for judging me. Pero kailangan nating ayusin ang mga sarili natin bago tayo makapag simulang ayusin ang lahat.

Aminin man natin o hindi, nagkaroon na ng lamat ang relasyon natin. You need to fix your issues and I needed to fix myself dahil kapag nagmatigas pa tayo, hahantong tayo sa paghihiwalayan at ayokong mangyari yun."

He shooked his head as he covered it with his hands. Umiiyak lang siya at ganon din ako. This day supposed to be a beautiful day because it's our eighth monthsary pero eto kami umiiyak. Ilang araw nalang pasko na at ayokong umabot sa pasko ang problemang ito.

"You're right." He said and then looked at me and cupped my face.

"B-but can I ask a little favor?" He asked, I nodded. "Can you wait for me while I fix myself? Alam ko selfish pero pwede bang hintayin mo ako? Can you... wait for me until I become worthy of your love again?"

"Kahit naman hindi mo hilingin, talagang hihintayin kita eh" I said.

"Thank you babe." He said as he kissed me passionately.

"Fix yourself. Dito lang ako, hihintayin kita hanggang sa mabuo ka ulit." I said.

I moved closer to him and initiated a kiss. I made him feel how much I love him and how much I'm willing to wait for him through our kiss. This is the kind of pain I was avoiding before, but this is the kind of pain I'm welcoming now. Because of Psyche, my principles has changed and my beliefs were twisted all over again.

_____

Kakatapos lang ng final examination namin. It took us an hour to answer everything. Halos sabay lang din kami ni Isla natapos. Ngayon, nandito kami sa harap ng field. Parehas nag-iisip ng malalim.

"Kumusta si lola?" She asked.

"Ayun nagpapagaling pa rin. Tinawagan ako ni Marco kanina, nagising na daw si lola." I said.

"Kung ganon, bakit nandito ka pa?" She asked.

"Kasi gusto kitang maka-usap. May problema ka ba? Napapansin ko kasi nitong linggong 'to halos naka tulala ka lang palagi. May problema ba kayo ni Iñigo?" I asked.

She shooked her head. But I can see through her. May problema siya, hindi ko lang alam kung dahil sa pamilya niya or kay Iñigo or baka naman dahil sa exam. I wanted to ask more but I don't want her to be pressured. Kaya tumahimik nalang ako habang tintignan ang malawak na soccer field.

"What will you do if..." She didn't finished her question.

"If?"

"Wala. Uhm you should go now. Alam ko hinahanap kana ni Lola." She said.

"Paano ka?"

"Dito na muna ako. Gusto ko mag meditate kasi nakainis yung exams kanina" She chuckled. It was fake, alam ko. "Baka mag-usap din kami ni Iñigo so..."

"Okay sige. Pag may problema, tawagan mo ako ha. Pupuntahan agad kita." I said.

She only nodded. Hinayaan ko nalang. Kung may problema man siya alam ko dadamayan siya ni Iñigo. While walking towards the parking lot I text Iñigo, asking him kung may alam ba siya sa problema ni Isla. Pero hindi siya sumagot. I tried calling him pero pinatay lang niya. Bahala na nga, kung may problema si Isla sasabihin naman niya sa akin eh.

Bago ako pumuntang hospital dumaan muna ako sa grocery para mamili ng mga prutas. Si Marco at tito lang ang nagbabantay kay lola. We still couldn't contact daddy kaya nababahala na rin ako. I sent tons of text messages to him, sana man lang nabasa niya kahit isa lang doon.

I wasn't expecting the scene that I saw when I entered Lola's room. Marco was seating on a chair next to Lola's bed, si lola naman natutulog na, tito was talking to my parents who are seated close to each other. Akala ko nasa Siargao pa si dad? Akalo ko rin nasa Manila si mommy.

"Oh Asther is here." Sabi ni tito. Siya ang unang nakakita sa akin.

I smiled and went towards dad to hug him and kiss him on the cheeks.

"I missed you dad." I said.

"I missed you too sweetie. How are you?" He asked.

"I'm good."

After saying that pumunta na ako kay lola. I didn't greet my mother, I'm still pissed at what she said to Psyche. I don't want to deal with a self-centered lier right now dahil baka hindi ko mapigilan ang galit ko.

"How is she?" I asked Marco.

"Fine, I guess. Uhm aren't you gonna greet you mom?" He asked in a low voice.

I didn't responded. As what I said, I don't want to deal with her. An hour later, nagpaalam si tito at si Marco na uuwi na muna sila. I volunteered to stay here para bantayan si lola pero umayaw silang lahat. They wanted me to go home and have a rest. Magmamatigas pa sana ako pero biglang humirit si mommy na sasamahan niya ako kapag nagpa-iwan ako dito. Kaya I had no choice but to go home.

Gusto ko sanang sa condo nalang pero nagpumilit si tito na sa bahay na. Wala daw makaka'asikaso sa akin sa condo at nababahala sila na baka pagkatapos ng isang oras ay bumalik agad ako sa ospital.

Sobrang drained ko these past few days. I never had enough time to sleep simula noong Sunday dahil sa kaka'aral. Tapos na ospital pa si lola kaya talagang walang tulugan na nangyari.

Before I could drift to sleep, I texted Psyche and informed him na naka'uwi na ako dito sa bahay. After our talk kanina, nangako siyang babalik muna ng Manila. I wanted him to have a vacation kahit dito lang sa Pilipinas para naman makapag-isip siya ng maayos. He agreed but in one condition, I should answer his text or calls or at least update him para daw mapanatag siya.

Ako:

Hey, I'm home na.

After 5 minutes he replied.

Babe:

Hey babe. That's good, you should rest more.

I was about to reply when he called.

"Hey"

"Hi, I'm sorry if I called. I just missed you." He said.

"Grabe naman, kaka'uwi mo lang miss mo na ako agad. Napaghahalatang mahal na mahal mo ako ah" I chuckled.

"Where's the lie in that?" He chuckled. "By the way, I told mom and dad na I'll take a vacation. Pumayag naman sila. They wanted to thanked you kasi alam daw nila na ikaw yung pumilit sa akin."

"Hmm"

"Yeah well, hindi ko pa alam kung saan but I assure you hindi ako mambababae." He said.

"Aba dapat lang. Hindi naman ako umiyak ng isang baldeng luha para lang ipagpalit mo ano"

He laughed. Tignan mo nga naman, kanina lang iyak kami ng iyak. Ngayon naman nakuha pa naming magbiruan.

"But seriously babe, I will never cheat on you. I can never do that yo you. Aayusin ko lang ang sarili ko tapos babalik agad ako sa'yo. Hintayin mo ako ah"

"Ayoko nga." I said jokingly.

"Babe!"

"Hahaha oo nga! Paulit-ulit eh!"

"Ikaw talaga. Anyways, I'll hung up na. Alam ko inaantok ka na diyan. At kung hindi ko pa 'to ibaba, baka abutin tayo ng umaga kaka-usap. Kilala mo ako, wala akong hindi kayang gawin basta't para sa'yo." He said seriously.

Totoo naman. Kilalang kilala ko na si Psyche. And I know what he's capable of doing.

"Okay. I'll sleep na rin." I said.

"Sleep tight baby. I love you, always." He said.

"Rest well babe, I love you."

***

:)