Taemin x Christmas

Christmas, the best time of the year in Taemin's opinion.

He debuted when he was 13 after only training for a couple of months, so he spent a good chunk of his life at home, getting to experience a traditional Christmas and when he joined Minho, Jonghyun, Jinki and Kibum in the group that the world would learn to be SHINee, he celebrated with the world, but now would be the first he celebrates with just his members.

Taemin did lives streams for the 4 Christmases he spent alone, but the four of them were finally together again and they could go and see their forever member and actually celebrate like Sodam had been asking them for years.

"Come and help me put flowers down, you know Hyunnie would love to see you." She said hopeful as Taemin packed his things away for the night in his solo studio.

"I would love to, I'll talk to the others and see if they'd like to come too, but I will certainly be there." He agreed, transferring the phone to his other ear as he got into the hall. 

The building would technically be shut for two weeks for Christmas, but the company agreed that if there was any work that needed to be done, or if inspiration struck that artists would be able to work, providing that its done on personal machines and no viruses are brought into the company once they fully reopen. Taemin decided to take as much of his personal studio with him as they won't come back straight away from their service, taking some time to be with their families before going back to the studio and working altogether for a couple of months before it would be Taemin's turn to serve their country.

"Good." Sodam said softly. A veil of silence coated over the two as Taemin wasn't sure what to say, until the other line spoke again. "Are-Are you doing okay, Taeminnie? I feel like I've not really checked in on you in a minute. Is- Are you okay?"

Taemin stopped his trolley down the corridor, right where Jonghyun's studio used to be. His mother and sister cleaned it out pretty much as soon as the inquest into the death had finished and it was concluded that it was a suicide and in the aftermath of it all, the members were all given a small envelope to be opened at different times. He took the letter on tour with him, allowing his hyung to always be around him even if he wasn't really there any longer, but soon it would come the time to open it, addressed to the pre-military Taemin and it really scared him. It would be the last thing that Jonghyun wanted to share and Taemin so wanted answers to so many different questions and- the letter might not be able to provide that for Taemin, so he really didn't want to look in there.

"I'm okay." He said just as softly, approaching the studio door with so much hesitation.

"Jonghyun said that." Sodam was one of the last people he ever talked to. She wanted to help her brother so much, but she could only do so much from where she lived at the time. His last words would forever be a source of heartbreak and ache, he did tremendous things for KPOP and the world as a whole and changed the lives of many, however those with nothing better to do with their lives took the little parts of Jonghyun that he showed to the world and ripped them to shreds, leaving him with nothing left to protect himself with. 

"I know he did, but there is nothing that we can do anymore to help him, but we can honour his name and memory as best we can."

"Yeah." Sodam nodded. "We can."

Taemin hummed along to many of the Christmas carols he learnt as a child, decorating the multiple trees in his house at the same time. It would be a couple of hours before the rest of the members got here, but Taemin was sure that he'd be ready in time for his hyung's to come visit. 

"Walking in a winter wonderland." Taemin hummed softly, hanging a couple of baubles on just as the doorbell rang. He stopped in his tracks, happily walking over to his front door to his hyungs on the other side.

"You're all early." He smiled, giving each of his three hyungs soft hugs as they came into the apartment with grim expressions on each other their faces. "Are you okay?"

"Um." Minho hummed, sharing a look with the others. "We're not having Christmas with you this year Taeminnie."

"What? What do you mean Hyung?" Taemin put down the box onto a nearby chair. "We- we all agreed that after you finished we were going to have Christmas together and now we're all here together. Sodam even-"

"Taemin, stop it." Jinki walked a couple of steps forward to his maknae. "Jonghyun is in the past and bringing him up every time you need a reason to do something is bullshit and just dragging his name through the mud just as much as the media has done. I will not stand for you to continue to do this to him and to Sodam. I don't want you to ever contact her or his family ever again. Everyone just needs to let it go and let Jonghyun to rest in the peace he deserves." Jinki turned on his heel and left the apartment, not looking to see if the other two were following on. 

Taemin just stood there, feeling like absolute shit. He tried to always respect Jonghyun's name and his memory, always wanting for his hyung to be remember for all of the good that he did as opposed to how he left the world, but instead it was in vain. It was probably true. Jonghyun did deserve to rest in peace and not be talked about constantly, however Jinki didn't need to say it like he did, did he?

"Hyung's right Minnie." Minho said softly. "Hyunie needs to rest easy and he's been able to do that for the past three years, let's just let it be, okay? Just let him go now, okay?"

"But- I can't." Taemin shook his head. "He- He was so important to us, to the band, to Shawols, we can't leave him to be forgotten, we need to remember him and get other people to remember his name."

"I'm sorry Taemin. But I really think this is for the best." Minho gave him a sad last smile before baking away, leaving only Kibum left in Taemin's hallway. He gave the maknae another weak smile, just like his dongesang.

"Maybe just light a nice candle, but don't go overboard. Jinki's just sensitive since he always wished he did something to help Jonghyunnie out."

Taemin nodded softly. "Okay. I'll just do that. Thank you… Hyung. I-I'll see you soon?" He asked weakly.

"Of course." Kibum said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "It's looking really nice in here, send me a picture when its all done, yeah?"

"Sure." Taemin sighed gently. "See you later Hyung."

Kibum nodded, smiled once last time and took his leave also from the apartment, shutting the door behind himself.

"Thank you… for being here Taemin." Sodam said as she scraped away some of the wilted flowers. "It's just a shame the others can't be here."

"Yeah. I asked, but they didn't want to." Taemin nodded. He didn't want to upset her even further, so at least its a small white lie and nothing massive.

"It's okay. Really. Me and Eomma have been doing it every year and we sometimes ask the attendants to just look it over, make sure its okay and stuff, so I hope that Hyunnie is pleased to see a different face this time." Sodam nodded towards the headstone. "You know, he always talked about how much he loves you."

"Yeah? I kind of got the impression I was just the annoying maknae to Hyunnie sometimes. He trained for so long and I had a month, so in the back of my head I sort of wondered if maybe that's part of the reason why I thought he didn't like me, or maybe why he did it." Taemin wasn't too sure why he felt like Sodam needed to know, but he didn't want to speculate to anyone about why Jonghyun did it, especially as he's not here to say anything, but Sodam has always been a sort of parental figure to the team, someone who would be a listening ear for all of them if they needed impartiality on their side, so he knew he could trust her.

"Tae. That couldn't be further from the truth." She reached out, stopping the younger from going at a couple of the weeks in front of them and just held his hands for a moment.

"It's felt like it." Taemin nodded slowly. "I was thirteen when we debuted, so it wouldn't have been too far a stretch to think of anyone thinking I was pandered to all through my training, so I guess I sort of thought like that hoping that it wasn't true."

"He loved each and everyone of you with all of his heart. But- he just needed for the pain to stop and he did and, unknowing, it made all of us hurt to and- yeah- it hurt so much and I want him to see our hurt and think about his choice just once more, but he needed his pain to stop and to be happy and I'd like to hope that anytime he looks down to you, to me, to the fans, he sees only the best things. He tried so hard to get better, to be better, to be an amazing hyung for you and the others, but he lost his battle and since has become a wonderful figurehead for trying to get things to be better for those who might be feeling the same way as himself. He loved each of you guys and all of your fans that he got to meet, there was never a doubt in his mind that he loved you and wanted the best for himself and the group. There is no way in hell or high water that he hated you enough, or at all for you to be a reason for him wanting to leave like that."

By the end of it, the both of them were crying, holding on to each others hands like the other might also leave them and they stayed like that, eventually falling asleep from all of the emotions running rampant through their grief damped viens.