Chapter 3

"What kind of genres do you usually like to watch? Horror, thriller, comedy or action? Or do you have other preferences?"

"I don't have any preferences. But I'm not a fan of thriller or action genres" I replied in a dull voice. I was replying to a therapist. Even I found it beyond belief.

"May I ask why?" said Ms Annesley,

"It makes me feel like I'm riding a roller coaster."

"You don't like roller-coasters?" 

I starred out of the window behind her. It wasn't like I did not want to reply, it was just I hated mentioning things about me. Things about my past, my likes and dislikes, everything.

Ms. Annesley took my silence as yes. I was glad she took it as a yes, cause I really hate roller-coasters.

"Most people find it captivating."

"Sorry to disappoint you. I'm not most people." I replied in a pure obnoxious tone.

Ms. Annesley's face wrinkled in a silent laugh of derision. I bit my bottom lip. A habit of mine when I get utmost nervous.

"What?" My tone came out miffed.

"Nothing. You really have a spark in you."

Her eyes were her most beautiful feature, I loved and appreciated it. Because that comforted me somehow, just for a brief moment I felt like I should just let her know all my secrets. Let her take a look inside my heart and how much it was tearing me apart.

"You know, sometimes it's easier to let go of your thoughts." She took a notebook out of her bag.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, letting her know I wanted a proper explanation.

"Sometimes in some people's lives different types of tragedies might take place, they might go through unbearable torment, they might even have to face melodrama. It makes life hard for people and to them shutting the world out seems to be the best option there is." She paused and then continued, "Not being able to open up ruins people up to the core of their being."

"Well, cut to the chase please." I said.

"All I'm saying is if someone is willing to hear you out then don't keep your feelings bottled up, rather let it out. Just take a shot and vent all your thoughts to the one who wants to hear you out."

I did not respond. Waited for her to finish what she was saying. So Ms. Annesley continued.

"They say it's always easier for you to share your thoughts with the one closest to you but there are some stories in your life or there are some parts in your life that kill you from the inside and are not always easy to explain. Sometimes these thoughts will make you wonder what if I open up to this person and he or she  start hating me? what if he or she judges me? What if  he or she doesn't accept me for who I am ? Would that person understand my situation and condition? People worry about these sort of things before opening up to someone."

"These thoughts make us question ourselves. Then being all confused you settle down and just keep it all bottled up inside your own head."

I stared at her, admiring, how could a person be so thoughtful, jumbled, exceptionally grimy all at once.

"That's why you keep your feelings bottled up and you feel like you'll explode if you take more in. So why not just let it all out in front of someone, who is actually willing to hear you out and wanting to help you out?"

I pretended not to notice the question and instead in my mind I took it as a statement.

"Yeah." that was what came out of my mouth. No other reply was in my mind.

"Don't you agree?" She asked further.

Now I was just circling her words and statements in my mind. It kept going back and forth and I still kept wondering what I should say.

"Yeah."

"So if you agree with my statement, then just know I'm here for you. And I'm willing to hear you out. Vent out everything you have on your mind." A grin appeared on her face.

"You don't need to think thrice before letting everything out in front of me. I don't judge nor am I a conservative person. I'll hear you out and won't ever repeat what you shared with me." She said assuredly.

"It's not that easy." I muttered, I wasn't looking up at her face anymore.

"Take your time. You can start by doing what you like to do or what you always do or complain about your parents or friends. Anything." She said as she took a chocolate out of her bag.

One thing I was sure about was that she really did have a way of explaining things and making people dive into her weird negotiations.

Nothing came out of my mouth. I didn't know what to say. How to start a conversation about what had happened to me.

Mum always said I wasn't at all good at expressing myself. My agoraphobia aside, I still never could openly tell my mother whatever I felt. Not even my father.

I always thought I was falling. Whenever I closed my eyes and pondered, all that was on my mind was that I kept falling.

Falling, falling, falling.

It did not scare me nor did it make me feel like I was dying from the inside but instead falling made me feel like I was going where he was.

I felt like I was falling and he would catch me there. It made me feel like as if he was waiting, as if he was waiting to catch me at the bottom. Waiting for me to fall. It gave me peace.

In the darkness, in the pitch black space it was just me and I kept falling down and down. It made me feel sane. As if the darkness surrounding me was embracing me. Embracing my thoughts. Embracing my pain and taking it all inside.

Darkness meant no one could see my face. No one would be able to see my reactions or the tantrums I was throwing inside my head.

"Samaira?" Ms. Annesley's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up. My eyes widened and  it felt like my heart was about to stop, making sure no oxygen would pass through my whole body. It was suffocating.

A frown came across her face.

"Are you alright?"

"Darkness." I muttered as my eyes went blurry.

"C-Can y-you make the r-room dark please?" I stuttered.

She hurriedly stood up from her chair and closed the curtains. Turned off the lights, made the room dark as possible.

"Don't worry I'm here." It wasn't Ms. Annesley's voice. It was His voice.

I shutted my eyes tightly. "Don't worry I'm here." he again whispered.

The darkness again was taking the pain in. It was making my whole body light. Eventually I was on the verge of breaking down. Crying out all of my agony and misery.

"Breathe." His voice.

I breathed.

"Good girl." I smiled to hear him appreciating me.

Suddenly, the light comes back on, Ms. Annesley opened the curtains. The sun hit my eyes. Made it harder for my eyes to open.

"Are you okay?"

"I really like coffee and I hate riding roller-coasters. One moment I feel like my heart is out of my body and in another minute it makes me feel like my heart just stopped beating." That was the first thing I shared about myself to her. The first thing I said out loud about my likes and dislikes.

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