Chapter 50

The sun was warming my skin that was barely covered by my blue short dress.

We started walking to the ocean where a lot of people were getting lost in the water and laughter.

"You've been very distant with me." He said after a few minutes of walking in silence.

I pushed my hair over my shoulder and narrowed my eyes to protect my sight from the shining sun.

"I needed to think." I admitted and he looked down at me.

"And what do you say now?" He asked, afraid of my answer.

I took a sharp breath, feeling the weight of our future on my shoulders. It was now or never.

"We don't work, Seeley." I said and stopped walking.

His face flinched slightly before turning back to me with exhausted eyes.

Whenever I saw his vulnerable side that he hasn't shown to anyone else – maybe Clara whose attitude still made my blood boil – made me wonder if I was doing the right thing.

I didn't want to be the one to break his heart.

His sister's and mother's deaths already broke him and the reveal of Perkyn being his brother just pushed him under the water even more.

But I needed to get things straight with him in order to find peace within myself.

"What do you mean we don't work?" He asked with confusion and hesitation. "We were never together, you can't know that just by having sex with me."

I felt bad for him by seeing how much he has been trying to hold onto something that could save him.

I wanted to be the person to save him from his demons but I wasn't that strong.

And with time I realized that I shouldn't be the one to fix him to be the reight man for me. It was all up for him but I also didn't want to have accountancy in it.

I didn't want to be another direction he could go from hising himself.

I wanted to be someone's significant other and not just an emotional punchbag.

I wanted to laugh not cry my eyes out.

He narrowed his eyes a little as he was studying my face, eager for any reaction from me.

"Am I… that bad in bed?" He asked, losing his confidence in his physical tactics. "I didn't make you feel good?"

I shook my head, my face blushing that I made him question himself about his sexual skills. Because he definitely knew what to do.

"No! Nothing like that." I said. "It was good… more than good to sleep with you."

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Then?"

I dropped my hand while I tried to think of the best approach. I didn't expect him to accept my answer immediately but his confusion still baffled me.

"Just look at us." I gestured with my hand between us and he dropped his gaze to it before his eyes flickered back to me. "We can always fight about something. And all thanks for your over possessiveness and jealousy."

He seemed to register what I just said which was a good thing. I didn't want him to blow up into my face, not on our last day here.

Once we left Cannon Beach, I never wanted to hear about any of this ever again. And I wanted him to know that and feel the weight of our mixed friendship.

"I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings which I have but that was never my intention." He touched my arm softly and I pressed my lips together.

I didn't like it when he touched me when we were having a serious conversation since his touch has still made my skin burn.

I almost changed my mind taking his pleading eyes in because I felt bad.

He always knew how to remind me of his mental state and that it was never his fault that he ended up the way he did. However making bad choices was always his decision.

"I know but I feel like I'm walking on thin ice with you, Seeley." I shook my head slightly and his face fell.

"We all have bad days, I thought you knew that." He disagreed silently. "Or am I not allowed to have a bad day or be in a bad mood?"

I licked my lips and took a deep breath. He was changing the subject which was something he's always done when he felt someone or something was threatening him.

"It's not about that. We all have shitty days and I would never hold that against you." I explained dryly. "But I'm always walking on thin ice with you. Almost all the time. And if you'll make me feel stressed and insecure about my relationships with others then I don't want any of this."

I felt relieved as the words fell off my lips. I wanted to call him out on many things for so long but his sudden outbursts always scared the hell out of me.

Seeley, on the other hand, looked like I just told him that he was a nobody and didn't mean anything for me. His eyes held so much pain that he couldn't hide them anymore.

He has been strong for too long and now I could see his walls finally break down piece by piece as my words cut through his heart.

"I don't want to be with someone who'd be mad at me because I got home late two minutes later than expected and start accusing me of being with other guys." I continuted and shook my head. "I've been there and lived through all of the toxic masculinity one man can have and I don't desire to relive that kind of stress and depression ever again."

It seemed like he was really hurt by the fact that I openly admitted to the fact that he really was reminding me of Kalen.

My heart was screaming at my brain to stop but I couldn't do it. Not after what I've been through and how far I'd gotten.

I couldn't ruin everything that I've built up and turn back to repeat what happened last time.

"You don't think that I can change?" He asked and his eyes slowly found mine again.

Seeing the last glimpse of hope burning out in his eyes almost made me tell him that I did believe in him and would always be his but I had to keep myself together.

Just because he was hurting I didn't have to be a doormat for him until he could stand up again.

"It's not that I don't think that you can change." I said with a frown. "I don't want to give my time to someone who is not sure himself that he can change. I don't have time for ifs, Seeley. I want to live and have my own life with someone who values me."

He tilted his head to the side and I felt like his eyes were burning a hole into my head but I held myself still and stared back at him.

"You mean so much to me, Heds." He whispered, pulling at my heartstrings. "You have no idea how much I love you, don't you?"

I wiped my face and tried to look as confident as I did before we came out here.

"Sometimes love itself is not enough." I answered, my voice cracking. "This isn't some fairy-tale, Seeley. There are no rainbows and sunshines, we are just blinding each other in the dark while I want to step out to the light."

I felt like I was the worst kind of person in this world. Even though my heart knew that it was the right thing to do, it still wanted to shut me up and let me be loved by Seeley.

Maybe if I haven't known him for that long this would be easier.

"So, what are you going to do?" He asked with an arched eyebrow, his face hardening. "You're going to play all lovey donkey with Perkyn now? He doesn't even know you."

I held back the protective words that were about to fall of my tongue. He closed himself away from me again. He's felt that I was threatening his heart and decided to attack or change the subject instead of opening up fully.

"That is none of your concern." I shook my head, my voice suprisingly calm. "And even if I'd do that, it would be my choice to make not yours."

Seeley sighed and his eyes roamed over me. I felt like a deer caught in headlights as I was standing in front of him.

"This whole thing between us is just a mess now." I continued. "At first I'd thought that sleeping with you with no feelings would be easy but it wasn't."

He looked at me in puzzled way.

"So you don't want to be with me because you have feelings for me?" He asked.

I did have feelings for him but they it wasn't right. How could I ever be with someone who'd constantly remind me that I wasn't an equal to him in the relationship?

"No, I'm telling you because we are not good for each other." I said, my mouth dry, something shifting in my heart. "We would only just end up hurting each other in the end."

I've never felt so right and wrong at the same time. I started to wonder if he'd end up being different, being better than Kalen?

No, Heddy. Get rid off that thought. If you risk yourself, you'll get burnt so much that your heart would never beat the same.

I closed my eyes and turned away, my hand immediately lifting up and grabbing the dreamcatcher that has been hanging in my neck.

"So, that's it? You just give up on me? After all those years?" His voice was frustrated and mad. There was no room for sadness in him now.

I nodded and bit my lip painfully.

"It's the best for us. Both of us."

He stepped next to me and when I faced him again, his eyes were cold and full of fire. But not the kind of fire I'd grew to love.

"Bullshit. You're only doing what's good for you. You don't even stop to think about me." He snapped and I held my breath back until I felt like I was drowning.

It was too much. I shouldn't have come here. He'd destroy the last piece of myself that still has had some dignity and decency.

Because that was what Seeley Drewitt was the best at. Bringing everyone else down with himself because he was afraid to fall alone.

I knew that it made him feel good and secure about himself if he could reflect her pain back at me. He knew how hard this was for me and he tried to move every rock in order to get me change my mind about us.

"That's what I've been doing ever since I kissed you." I whispered and his face softened.

I must have hit a weak spot with my honesty because he had to turn away from me for a few minutes to process everything.

"I know I ruined everything that night." I couldn't help but frown at my own stupidity. And for what? For an asssignment because I didn't want to fail?

Teenagers could really be idiots at times. And I was not an exception for that.

He leaned a little closer with a warm look on his face.

"You didn't ruin anything. In fact, you made me realize how long I'd been hiding my feelings from you. And how long I'd been lying to myself about you." He answered, his words reaching my heart tenderly. "When you walked away and left me, I was so mad at myself. I kept blaming myself for being able to screw this up too. That's why I went to Clara also. Because I wanted to get under your skin but also to be reminded what kind of a shitty person I always have been."

I couldn't take his honesty anymore. The fact that he was so open about him going to Clara just to get himself hurt buth physically and emotionally was too much for me. I felt like he was pulling me down into the darkness where nothingness would welcome me with spread arms.

I remembered that after the deaths of his sister and mother he'd also get into trouble on purpose because he felt so guilty for being alive that he couldn't bear the thought of him breathing.

He has been suffering for so long and I wasn't strong enough to save him. I have been already worn out with all the lies and secrets that had changed my life and I didn't want to ruin someone else's life more than I already had done that to mine.

"I'm sorry for pushing you into an abusive relationship, Seeley. I truly am. But I'm not the answer to your problems. I'm not your savior."

He stepped closer and took my hand into his while he was looking for the right words to express himself.

"You don't need to overthink this. I won't snap because you have your own thoughts and opinion, just tell me." I encouraged him when I noticed his hesitation.

He inhaled and looked behind me for a second.

"I just don't know if I could ever love someone again after you." He said and my throat tightened.

He had to. He had to realize what his worth was and not let others walk over him as they wished.

"This is the thing that we don't want to always believe." I said with a small and wary smile. "You can fall in love more than once. We don't want to accept that fact when we already have feelings for someone but believe me that one day you'll feel just as much love and admirition for someone as you have been feeling about me."

I could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to believe any of my words and I thought it was all right. He was still trying to fight for me but there was no balance between his good and his bad.

And I didn't wish to be someone else's balance or person to blame if something happened.

"I don't want anyone else just you." He said with pleading eyes and my bones started shaking, practically begging me to change my mind about him.

I had to hold into the painful memories of Kalen hurting me on purpose while promising that he'd bring the stars to me.

I made a promise to myself that I'd never look back at that relationship but in order to not drown in my feelings and my heart pulling toward Seeley, I had to think of Kalen.

"What would happen then?" I asked, trying to get under his skin a little. I needed to shake him out of this state because it wasn't good for either of us. "We'd drag everyone into our relationship. Look how things escalated with Leigh."

He moved his foot in an uncomfortable way.

"She should have known better and accuse you of things that were out of your control." He lowered his tone and I tensed.

Here were we, Seeley slowly losing his patience and calmness because Leigh had annoyed him that night.

Now that I looked at him, his bruises looked much better than they did before. I almost started to believe that by the way he was physically healing he'd also emotionally.

"Don't talk about her like that. She was overwhelmed by… everything, us." I defended her. In spite of us still needing a few conversations to fix things in our friendship but I couldn't stand him talking about her like she was nobody.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lashed out at her." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I was already in a dark place and she just came out of the house and made everything worse."

I crossed my arms and dropped my eyes.

"What did you expect her to do?" I asked. "She didn't know about us. She had every right to be mad at me."

Seeley gave me a side glance.

"You have too much empathy for those who don't deserve it." He said quietly. "Like Leigh… or me."

"I don't want to hurt you but being with you would me a mistake." I said in one heartbeat and his eyes widened.

He was shocked, sad and betrayed that I had dared saying something like this. But I needed to let him know that we wouldn't be good for each other.

"Don't say that. Just give us a chance and I can show you… I can prove that I can be a better person."

"I've had enough of the cans, Seeley." I whispered. "I want security and peace."

"Just because you give up on me now, doesn't mean that you won't get into a conflict with Perkyn." He glared at me and a lump grew in my throat.

His glare was tendenous and haunting.

"There is no such thing as perfect relationship." I stated. "But I'd rather be with someone who would never humiliate me in front of my friends or try to control me like I was a child. We'll have problems and disagreements, I'm sure. But that's also part of life."

"So, it's okay if you'd be with him but when it's about me I'm the bad guy here?" He pressed his hand over his heart. "All right, if you don't want me to be the evil then I'll fucking be."

I almost fell for his trap and apologized for making him feel this way.

"I don't want to be with someone who'd purposely hurt me just because his feelings were hurt a little, Seeley. I'm sick of you gaslighting me or trying to act like the victim."

It was ironic because he was in fact a victim but that didn't excuse him being an asshole who could care less of other people's feelings, especially knowing them for years.

When he practically shrugged Leigh off that night, I'd never felt so embarrassed and blinded before.

He could become a different person, a worse version of himself that was cold and only wanted to win. And I despised that side of him so much that it was hard to remember his good side.

I felt impotent and torn between wanting to help Seeley but also have my own life that didn't include watching after my partner.

Yes, people has had problems, they always have, but that will never excuse any of them to do horrible things or behave like they were the only person hurting.

They almost never saw the damage and the consequences of their actions or even if they did, it was already too late.

Seeley might have acknowledged the fact that he was cruel with Leigh but that still didn't make him look any better.

Because probably the only reason he even noticed it in the first place was because I reminded him of being unfair to others.

"This was just supposed to be a summer fun. That was we agreed of." I tried to talk to him as he was vigirously shaking his head, tearing his gaze away from me.

"You were never just a summer fun to me." He stared into my eyes and I felt exposed because I might have developed some feelings for him which I've never wanted to face with.

"Sometimes people weren't meant to be. We have to accept that."

He looked more defeated than ever. I could feel the change in the air between us while his hope slowly shattered into pieces.

"So you've been planning on giving up on me all this time?" He asked.

I inhaled sharply as my blood turned cold under his hard stare.

"Not all the time. Only in the last few weeks." I said and he narrowed his eyes.

"So you giving me a chance to prove myself worthy was just a fucking game of yours?" He asked, his voice angry and huffy.

"I wanted to try, Seeley. But it would be too much for me." I said, trying to get some sense into him. "I'm not that strong to wait even years for you to maybe change. Maybe is not enough for me."

When he lifted his head so he'd be taller than me, he was bent out of shape.

"It would be enough for me." Even though he said the most vulnerable thing that could leave his mouth, his expression still didn't change.

I'd expected myself to go down in flames but I felt like his words were crushing me like rocks.

"We are not the same." I said. "And that is completely fine but I don't want to make an important decisions based on promises."

"Why don't you believe that I could keep my word?"

I sighed and felt sweat rolling down on my back under my dress. It was already hot and our argument or discussion, whataver this could be called, just made my blood boil in every possible way. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Empathy.

"Because I know how easily you snap." I looked up at him. "Your anger issues make me question myself even if I'm sure or right about something."

"I never wanted you to feel like I kept you under." Seeley answered. "I wanted to make you feel special and good about yourself because you have always had insecurities. I just thought that we could give each other what the other needed. Love. Because that's all you need for a change in your life."

Despite his words cutting through me like knife, he was still a far cry from the Seeley who had become my friend at school.

I didn't want to admit but I might have lived in the past in this summer because of the guilt.

"I'm sorry for not seeing who you really were. Whom you changed into." I touched his tense arm that relaxed almost immediately. "I might have held into your past-self and that was not fair from me. People change, that's true and I'm sorry for trying to change you into someone who you'd probably never be again."

Even if he could change for the better, he wouldn't be the same Seeley who walked me down the path of strong friendship and undeniable care.

I couldn't see it but finally I was facing and embracing the truth. I could inspire someone to change but I could never make the decision about how they should change.

"I love you, Heds." Seeley cupped my face and my lips started trembling.

I needed every power and logical thought that I've had in myself in order to not fall into the arms of a broken boy, man, who just wanted someone who loved him unconditionally.

Maybe I could love him, maybe I was already in love with him, but his demenaor has changed so much between us and also in me that I didn't want to comprehend.

Not saying anything, I reached up and wanted to take my necklace off because it felt like it was weighing tons and burning my skin.

Seeley's eyes dropped to my hand and he softly grabbed it before I could go any further.

"Please don't," he whispered with tears in his eyes. "At least keep it so that you'd know that I always loved you."

I wanted to give it back to him because I didn't want to remember the dark moments he had given me but his words shifted something in my chest.

I nodded and he sighed in relief.

"Just don't forget about me." He begged and I felt the need to start sobbing right in front of him. "I don't want to be a bad memory to you."

"I won't forget you." I promised and his arms snuk around me, pulling me into his chest.

Just when he kissed my forehead after taking a shaky breath, I felt a single tear dropping from his eye onto my face.

I've never felt so horrible before.

It wasn't the right time for us to engage into a relationship. Not when both of us needed to improve on ourselves, and Seeley has got a lot on his plate to clear which would probably take him years if he really wanted to change.

I could only hope that I was able to change his mind and he also wanted to change for himself, not only me.

I wanted him to be a good man for himself because he deserved to feel good about himself.

As I was in the arms of a man who had the last piece of his heart broken, I realized that this might be our goodbye. Our last time being together and I felt torn about that.

I still enjoyed smelling his scent as his strong arms kept me close to him as I was listening to his heartbeating.

His heart that was beating for me.

A heart that needed to heal to beat fully again. A heart that has been broken so many times that it would always be scarred.

"Perkyn will be here soon to pick me up." I said and he sighed.

"Okay." He murmured and he stepped back from me. His eyes were teary and his voice sounded like he has been crying for days.

"I'm very glad that I've had you in my life, Heddy." He said and tried to give me a smile. "I wish it would last a life-time but I was happy with you all these years."

His words made my heart flutter as he gave me one last look of goodbye before turning away from me and walking away.

I stared at his back as the distance between us kept growing and a tear dropped on my face, mixing with Seeley's.

I didn't know if I would ever see him again. Probably not.

Despite all the messed up things that happened with us, he thought me many things over these months.

The most important of it was that the closest person to you could be the one who'd cause the most pain to you.

He taught me that there is a reason behind every bad and selfish decision.

He taught me how much damage one person could do to you.

And he taught me that love was everything I could ever think of, painful, heated, difficult, challenging and heartbreaking.

That was the story about us. About a boy who has been broken so much that he was ready to give his whole heart to the girl who knew that despite of their undeniable feelings, they weren't good for each other.

As I was holding the necklace that would be the only thing I'd have from him in this life, something moving in the corner of my eyes caught my attention. A little bird, flying above me, wearing beautiful colors.

A hummingbird.