Chapter 16: Kinship

Kisame, cont'd

First, Kisame began his shift as he usually did, getting changed into some ratty clothes that could be allowed to smell like fish. His heart beat restlessly, as did his mind. The temptation to give up was there, so tempting, if only he could. I could just do everything as normal. I could. Just feed the sharks, play with Samehada, change, get out of here. I could just do that...in some kind of parallel universe maybe. He knew his thoughts would only continue if he did, worry running in the opposite direction but still worrying.

This feels...ugh. How does Hidan put up with this? Kisame scowled as he put on the last item. Feeding the sharks was the favorite part of his day. He couldn't think of what exactly it felt like, or perhaps he didn't want to, but he was willing to acknowledge that it was very pleasant. But today, the favorite part of his day was ruined. The pleasantness somehow only made his guts twist even more. The thought that he should enjoy this as he usually did made Kisame's mind spin further. His entire body felt awful. This is against everything I would naturally think of doing. Why am I even thinking this way? Because of her, of course. A brief course of anger washed away the feelings of wrongness, just for a little while.

Normally, he took pleasure in his routine. Normally, it felt just like something he thought it was quite strange to compare it to, and therefore didn't. Normally, this was his job. Today, Kisame did not feel like that at all. I shouldn't even be here. That was the first time he had ever thought that about the aquarium. I feel like I'm so...undeserving? Phony? What the hell is wrong with me?

Kisame shook his head. The only answer he could think of to that was "everything." What am I now? A wuss? There's no reason for me to be bothered like this. It's not like I'm some kind of girl or anything. He thought of Konan. Okay, bad example, and more than a little sexist. I obviously meant a little girl, with pigtails and dolls or something. He thought of Konan as a little girl looking at the way a knife shone in the dark. Dammit. A squirrel? That didn't evoke any unfortunate associations. He was in the clear.

Kisame paused for a moment to listen to the whir of the vents, a low pitched, constant hum that he could feel if he focused enough. So what if I do get fired and blacklisted from just about everywhere? What's the worst that can happen? My great-grandparents would be ashamed if they knew I was freaking out about something so trivial. Kisame detected a brief lightening of his thoughts. Ah ha! A topic he could think of to distract himself!

Yeah, they would be, he thought as he resumed his task. What did they go through again? I remember they moved, really far away. Away from everything they knew. What am I doing, worrying about my job? At least I belong here. What were they moving for? He drew a blank on that one. Had he ever been told about their reasons? Had he ever asked? Kisame realized with a pang of sadness that he'd forgotten when he could, and now it was too late to ask. But anything, even that kind of sadness, was better than worrying about the stability of his future. He pressed on.

Okay, I don't know anything about that. What do I know? That drew several more pangs as he realized he knew almost nothing else. They came from some kind of small, isolated seaside place, I think. Damn. Since when did I know so little about my own family? The thought that he was probably in the same boat as millions was not reassuring. I never even asked…

Sometimes Kisame wondered about his life. Sometimes it seemed a little empty, and he was reminded of the way he'd heard other people talk about friendships and bonds in every piece of media he had ever consumed in his entire life. About sitting on their grandparent's knee. About summers spent running and playing with friends. Sometimes, he remembered how happy other people seemed when they talked about those things, and he wondered. Did other people have a different kind of happiness than he did? Was it stronger or greater than his happiness? Was it something everyone should have, and if so, did he miss it? Would he ever know? Now was one of those times.

What else? Okay, so they moved somewhere around here. They changed their name. What was it before? Damn, I don't know. Why would they change it? Were they trying to cut all ties with their hometown or escape from some people? Kisame's mind was elsewhere as the realization that he didn't even know what his name was broke over his head. Thank god for routine, actions practiced so many times his mind need not be involved to complete them.

Well, that doesn't matter. It's all history. My history. He shook his head. Whatever. Doesn't matter now. I know my name now, Hoshigaki, and that's all I need to know. I'm not missing anything. I don't need to know about some rundown, middle of nowhere, tiny village that probably doesn't even have a name on the map. Did they have some business to get away from? Fine. Good for them. I don't. I'm here, and this is where I belong. No use worrying over what you can't change.

Kisame's attempt to give himself an inspiring speech fell flat. He found himself visualizing entire villages with no names, no maps, just people. Entire civilizations. He shook his head. What was this feeling? It was like a tightness in his chest. It wasn't a feeling he knew from anywhere. It felt awful. Then again, there were a lot of things he'd always felt pride for not knowing about up until this very moment. Those things together with the content of his thoughts led to only one conclusion. Am I...lonely?

He lowered his head and stood up, moving to do something else. For a few minutes, all he knew was the feeling of doing what he was hired for, and doing it well. That was plainly visible. And yet, another feeling burned in him too. The smooth motions of cleaning, checking things to see that they worked as they should, could not make the feeling in the center of his gut go away. It felt like sinking, and it felt like burning where it reached up to his neck and face. He lowered his head again, and consciously relaxed his overly tense fingers. That word echoed in his mind. Lonely.

That word… It was a thing only other people ever worried about. What kind of weakling was so pathetic as to seriously be unable to have a life without needing someone else to help them along? Anyone who absolutely needed someone else to come over for the weekend or else they would be devastated and unable to be happy surely had dependency issues. Kisame frowned, his lips parting for a low growl. That was intolerable. Pathetic. Company could be nice, could make life more enjoyable, sure. He didn't mind people that enjoyed the company of others. Where he drew the line was at the concept of loneliness: that it was possible to need others. The only connection a strong person should need was a connection to themself.

His breath caught in his chest. That was it. That was just it. He wasn't feeling loneliness at all. It was just a lack of connection to himself. I guess it is my history… Isn't that what everyone signed up for this lunacy for? Finding out more about themselves? I'm not weak. I just don't feel as attached to myself as I'd like. Obviously. He considered the possibility that, since he didn't have access to a time machine, connecting to other people might be the only way to sooth that desire for now. Sure. That's only reasonable. That's what Samehada does. He reminds me of some part of myself, a little. He's my friend.

That decided it. Kisame grinned and barely stopped himself from laughing as he thought of what he had been so worried about before. How did I miss that? It's so obvious now. Of course it's the right thing to do. He pushed himself faster, eagerness taking over. Why did feeding the sharks have to be the last part of his job?

Samehada

The water rushed over Samehada's scales. The water rushed in and out, in and out of his open mouth. It tasted of living things. When it left Samehada's mouth, it did not taste of living things. He shifted impatiently, curled up under a rock that captured some water going by so he did not have to stick his mouth out into the wider currents. The taste was good. He liked it very much. But it did not taste nearly as good as Human-cousin's arm. When would Human-cousin get here?

Samehada got tired of being lazy and swam out into the open water. The other Cousins, the tank ones, avoided him as they always did. They swam away from him, disliking contact. He did not hold it against them for being so prickly and standoffish. All Cousins were like that. But it was like these ones had never thought of anything else. He hoped the Cousins he swam with in this tank weren't anywhere near his direct bloodline. They were all dumb, completely dumb. He wasn't dumb, and neither was Human-cousin. They talked back and forth all the time. Samehada could be quite sure that his tank-Cousins thought something, because they were like him and he did. But if they could have held a conversation with him, he did not expect that they would be able to have an interesting one. He tried swimming up to a Cousin with stripes. She dodged out of the way. Samehada sighed. There was nothing here. So boring. When would Human-cousin get here?

He swam in circles, counting how long it took. At least the humans were interesting. This time was the painful part of his day, when there were no humans. Sometimes he did tricks for them like he did for Human-cousin. They liked it just as much as Human-cousin did. Impressing humans was a goal of some sort, a sport to keep him occupied. The weekends were the worst. On the weekends, his belly growled. Human-cousin wasn't around, and there was nobody to play with and nothing to eat. He couldn't distract himself from loneliness by eating or distract himself from hunger by having fun. The other Cousins did provide some food, of course. Samehada swam with his mouth wide open, picking up as much from the water as he could. It was so good that he swam in uneasy zigzags for a while, yet his belly still growled. Samehada settled under the rock to whimper. When would Human-cousin get here?

Sometimes Samehada wondered about himself, if he was really desperate for something to think of. What sort of egg had he come from? What color was it? Was he spawned in a lake, or a bay, or one of those other bodies of water that he couldn't remember the names of, or in a tank like this one? He hated considering that last option. The tank really didn't taste very good now. He swam up to the surface, licked at the air above the tank. After a day filled with humans, the air tasted much better. But the air over the tank didn't flow as much, didn't hold as much, and he couldn't jump for more because the humans that Human-cousin disliked could always be watching. When would Human-cousin get here?

Water is dead. Air is dead. Can't bite Cousins - striped Cousin bit small Cousin once, bad humans gave shots, thought of killing, blocked mouth. Can't chew. Can't flip. He tried flipping like he had last time Human-cousin had been here. It didn't make him very happy to do it alone with no one watching. All is dead. I dead? He was very hungry. Every weekend is bad. Dead. Samehada curled up under the rock again, curling tighter than he ever had before in hopes the pain would help. When would Human-cousin get here?

Kisame

Kisame concentrated on the future as much as he could, working fast. My friend. Finally he was able to get the fish - which he took the usual length of time to check - and head to the tank for feeding time. He didn't see Samehada, which was...concerning. He shook it off and climbed the ladder perhaps a little faster than caution would allow. By the time he reached the top it became clear where Samehada had gone. He had already hurled himself out of the water and was waiting, tail waggling back and forth frantically.

Kisame took a closer look at Samehada. His sharky friend had never acted like this before. Of course, Kisame had other responsibilities. He splashed at the water and spread fish bits to attract the other sharks, then just dumped the entire bucket in at once. He didn't bother saving any for Samehada, turning instead to pat his friend on the nose scales.

Samehada snapped his mouth eagerly. That wasn't entirely unusual for him to do, but… Kisame wondered what it meant, that Samehada ate chakra. If he was only there for a regular workweek and someone else took over the weekend care, did that mean Samehada went hungry? He'd never had any suspicions about the weekend guy's feeding abilities, but if Samehada didn't eat fish…

Kisame took off his gloves without a care and held it forward. Samehada bit eagerly, perhaps leaving a mark. Kisame winced but did not pull away. His eyes stayed widened. Oh my god. He's not like a regular shark at all. At least I'm mostly like a regular human. Oh god. He felt disgusted that he'd never gotten around to thinking of what Konan's news meant for Samehada before. He wondered if Samehada had been here for only as long as he had been. Kisame hadn't returned from vacation very long ago, so that was good news. On the other hand, he had memories of playing with Samehada for a very long time before that. Which meant that Samehada must have memories of being in this unsuitable place for a very long time. Oh my god.

He leaned forward so Samehada wouldn't mistake this for the signal to let go, patted Samehada's broad head, and whispered, "I'm sorry, buddy."

Samehada stopped chewing on his arm, staying still and sucking a little.

Kisame clarified, "I learned some things over this weekend, things I did not know about you before. I had no idea. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I want to make it up to you."

Samehada wiggled his tail once and whined like a dog.

Kisame sighed. It was doubly stupid to have ever been worried, because he wasn't even responsible for making a decision. It wasn't his cue to give. "Would you like to come back with me?"

Samehada burst out crying.

Kisame leaned back too far and fell on his backside, propping himself up with his hands in astonishment. His mouth opened and closed but wouldn't make a sound. Samehada had never made sounds like this before, sounds so filled with pain. Kisame lunged forward and grabbed Samehada just below each pectoral fin, pulled him close so Samehada was muffled in his chest. Samehada let out a few more painful-sounding whines, then bit the collar of Kisame's work hoodie as if to say, Never let go. Kisame had no desire to.

He looked down at the gloves where he had discarded them. It wouldn't matter if he had the proper equipment if he was carrying Samehada, would it? Wait… No, Kisame decided, it was better to bring them. The aquarium got dark after hours and Samehada might not be noticed initially, whereas the gloves were bright yellow. He grabbed them and put them on, still hugging Samehada as much as he could with his arms. He looked around for any of his supervisors. No supervisors around. "Let's go, buddy," he said, stroking Samehada's back. The shark reluctantly let go of his collar, and Kisame briefly wondered where he should go. Konan had said his original used Samehada as a sword. Where would a sword go? That question was solved when Samehada abruptly demonstrated how slippery he could be when he wanted to by slipping from Kisame's grasp, up over his head, and onto his back. Kisame wondered how the hell he could cling there. Probably more of that magic chakra. It wasn't important.

He picked up the bucket and made sure he looked as normal as possible before descending. Kisame would be facing with his back to the room if he climbed down the ladder, putting Samehada on display for anyone to see. On the one hand, hell of a jump. On the other, I'm supposedly a ninja, so my body should be used to that, and Samehada could get taken back if I'm caught. He jumped, gasping in surprise as he landed with his legs reflexively bending and his body rolling a little to take the force. Since when do I have reflexes like that? No matter. It was go time.

He strolled nonchalantly to the doorway, keeping to the darkness and trusting Samehada to be quiet. He had almost reached it, when-

"Hey! Isn't this, uh, a little early?"

Kisame's heart skipped a beat. Act natural. Keep Samehada facing away. He did just that, turning to face the janitor lady. He'd been fast enough that he was leaving just before she started her rounds. Shit. "Yeah, it is. I have an appointment to get to with a friend. I need to get out a few minutes early. So, you should probably…"

She did not take the hint. "Oh. Well, if you can get out a few minutes early like this some other time, um...want to...hang out?"

Kisame's mind filled with a jumbled static of syllables that, if they were written down anywhere, would have had to be represented as a string of unusual symbols or risk rendering even Hidan speechless. What the *^$&^ing *&$^*% *^$$ ^$!# & is wrong with this lady? finished his thoughts on this matter. He said, more shortly than he really should have if his goal was stealth, "No. Not for the next several months. I have no desire to talk to you at all right now. Get the hell back to your job."

The janitor almost flinched back. "O...okay. I'm sorry. Did something bad happen recently? I'm sorry."

Before she could scamper away like Kisame wanted, he felt Samehada turn around and wriggle up his back, sticking his head out above Kisame's right shoulder. Samehada made a sustained waggling sound which closely resembled that of a very happy dog. She stopped backing away and looked up. Kisame froze. Why would Samehada do that?

She smiled. "Oh. Hi. Is something wrong?"

Samehada growled in a negative-sounding tone and thwacked Kisame on the head with a pectoral fin.

The janitor relaxed. "Doesn't sound like it. Okay, well...if you ever want to talk about anything…"

Kisame did not answer.

"I'm...um...around." And with that she finally skittered off.

Kisame stood there, staring after her. Samehada rumbled contentedly on his back. Kisame barely even noticed. She...didn't even notice. Samehada wriggled again and growled questioningly. Kisame blinked, recovered the ability to think, and walked back to change clothes like usual.

Kisame's mind was out beyond Jupiter as he took the gloves off. That can't possibly be. Even before, when I didn't notice myself, I still didn't play with Samehada in public. It would've been… What exactly would it have been? Kisame wracked his brains trying to remember his thought process from so long ago. I didn't want any of my supervisors to walk in. I thought they would...punish me for slacking off on the job? Kisame's mouth dropped open. What…

In the meantime, Samehada lay on the bench behind him, surprisingly comfortable on its flat surface. He licked hungrily at the air. Kisame went to some effort to reel his mind in. He was still in the middle of his mission, after all. He looked back at Samehada and noticed these things. "Why are you licking the air?"

Samehada nodded his head up and down and made sounds to suggest Kisame approach him.

If anyone else used this room at this time, they would have to have been hired over the weekend. Kisame sat down beside Samehada and held out an arm, which Samehada took and began munching on gladly. A terrifying thought came to Kisame, but for both their sakes he decided not to ask. It was good that Samehada had survived his "vacation" without any lasting harm. It was no use asking how. He took this opportunity to give his mind a break, relaxing and keeping all senses open while Samehada munched for as long as he wanted.

After a few minutes of peace and quiet, Kisame thought over the rest of his quest. Okay, so the janitor lady doesn't see anything strange in me taking a shark from this place. What would she care? She has no interest in the displays. I should still watch out for any of my supervisors. There's no way money could have lost its power. That much, he could depend on. Too much caution can't possibly hurt.

Samehada let go of his arm and sighed in contentment. Kisame patted his head, running a hand over the scales there and scratching near the dorsal fin like usual. He wasn't so extreme as to be blind to reality; too much caution could slow things down and make a plan less effective, which could hurt. On the other hand, all he had to do was leave the building and get to his car. There was a limit to how disruptive too much caution could be in this particular case. He tapped Samehada on the head, getting the shark's attention. Then, leaving Samehada perked up and alert on the seat, he went to the door and looked around, even walked out and down the hallway before patting a pocket and pretending he'd forgotten something. He did not sense any other people.

He jumped in alarm when he got back. What the - What he mistook for a fraction of a second for a human shape near the door turned out to be Samehada. Kisame stared at the shark, which had somehow learned how to hold his body upright and balance on his tail. Samehada greeted him and approached to nuzzle his arm, still holding this posture. Kisame raised his other hand to close his mouth. "Didn't see anyone. Let's go, buddy."

Samehada slithered onto his back immediately, and Kisame turned and looked up and down the hallway again. Still no sound or sight of another person. He made sure he had all his possessions, stepped out, and took pains to close and lock the door naturally. Then he forced his legs to walk naturally as well - it was amazing how stealthy his reflexes were - and walked out. His paranoia took a severe spike as he reached the staff exit. This seemed much too easy. There was no way he could encounter not so much as a hint of a problem. Or, at least, that was what his instincts said. Kisame wondered whether or not to tell that part of him to shut up. No such thing as too much caution right now.

Fortunately there was a limit to how far caution could be expressed. He kept all eyes and ears out for anyone as he walked to the car, which was all he could do. Realistically, he knew being on high alert now was doing nothing more than spiking his blood pressure and making him physically uncomfortable. Yet his instincts repeated over and over that this had all been too easy.

The only pseudo problem he could claim to have was the fact that Samehada, thanks to having a fin on his back, could not sit normally in the car. He would have to face backward and hug the seat. Aside from that there was nothing. Samehada seemed perfectly happy as Kisame started the car and they drove away, wagging his tail in contentment the whole time. Kisame wondered what was wrong with him for the same. Itachi's right. I do have a problem with too much paranoia. All my instincts are on high alert and expecting trouble when there isn't any. I don't live in the world my instincts seem convinced I do.

At that, the source of his problem became apparent. Kisame narrowed his eyes and growled. Other-Me better not have left any other problems for me. Samehada crawled up the seat and twisted to lick Kisame on the side of his face, as if he knew what Kisame was thinking. Kisame snorted. "Don't worry, Same. There's no trouble. I was just thinking of someone annoying." Samehada licked him again and settled down. His tongue would have been like sandpaper on any other person's skin. Kisame felt warm inside to consider this.

When they got back to base, Kisame finished stuffing his troublesome maladapted instincts in a box with one last violent effort and carried Samehada out of the car. Samehada did not make this easy, wiggling about as if he could sense the presence of other people in the air, which he probably could. Kisame put his friend down on the ground, thankful that Samehada's overly thick scales made this possible. The shark slithered right up to the door and just about barked as Kisame opened it, then raced inside.

When Kisame caught up to him, Hidan and Itachi were already there and drawing the attention of others. Itachi looked at Samehada carefully, probably thinking along the same lines as Kisame had before Konan showed up and told him what Samehada was. Hidan was cuddling with Samehada in his lap, laughing. Samehada growled. Hidan growled back, trying and failing to give his growl the same sharky tone. His inability to avoid sounding feline held none of them back from further laughter.

Hidan seemed recovered from his headache. Kisame did not wonder about this yet and settled for smiling at the adorableness. When Nagato stopped in to see what the noise was about, Hidan cheerfully exclaimed, "Sammy's here!" Samehada chose that moment to wriggle out of his arms and return to Kisame. Hidan waved "Bye Sammy" and Samehada actually yawned for the first time that Kisame had ever seen, so he waved back and took Samehada to his room.

Samehada

Samehada snuggled in Kisame's arms, inexpressibly happy even though he was tired. Human-cousin was here. Human-cousin was holding him and staying this time. The air tasted of so many people, all delicious. When Kisame got to his room and looked for a good place to put Samehada, the shark made his own choice. No matter what Kisame did he could not detach Samehada from his arms. Finally he was forced to give up, and leaned back into bed with Samehada still in his arms.

Samehada fell asleep with a purr, the happiest shark he'd been in forever. There could be no better place than nestled against his Human-cousin. Their body warmth combined came to about the same as a 100% warm-blooded human of Kisame's size would have had. It was gorgeous. Kisame did not know what Samehada would have said if he had been able to speak. At this point that was for the best.

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