Why always me?

I roll my eyes. Suky always had to be this immature. I know damn well he doesn't care about the girls, only the fact that he can get any girl he wants. As Suky walked away i thought about my life. I don't know what is it about me that makes me look like a lonely loser, am i that bad at talking to the opposite gender?. I felt a huge weight on my chest. I stand alone as everyone around me were friends or hanging out with girls. 

I sigh and lean back on the bench. I start to look at the beautiful sky and the trees around me. This was really peaceful, a good way to escape reality. I start to imagine myself being with a girl, it was just nice to think about it. I take a deep breath and lay down in the grass. The world is really beautiful when you look at it like this. The sound of the wind blew across my ears. It was just.. peaceful. 

I go and sit on the grass, I stay laying in the grass until i hear a bell ringing. I look at the school and everyone was walking. My mind was still on that peaceful place in my imagination, i wanted to avoid going back. But i still had to. I stand up and slowly walk to class. I was very late. Again. 

I was walking to class when suddenly i bumped into the blonde again. I could see her face of anger. She was annoyed. "Watch where you are going!" she shouted in a annoyed voice. I look at her with the most annoyed faces i could do. "Sorry, i was not paying attention". I was about to walk away. She grabs my arm and says "And your class is that way..". I just looked at her with the death stare. "I...I know..." i say in a depressed tone. 

She finally let's go of my arm after telling me with the most bossy voice. I walk off trying to get away and hiding my annoyed face. The thing with this girl is that she matches my energy. That's what makes her so interesting. No other girl can do that before, that's why everyone avoids me. I suddenly noticed how she didn't pointed at me and mocked me like everyone would but Suky. Was she new to this school? Was she not knowing my history?... The way everyone kept avoiding me and not even looking at me... 

I finally got to class, i was very late this time. My teacher gave me the biggest lecture about how i should respect school and all that and i didn't care at all, i just wanted to be alone. The class starts and everyone sits on their chairs like the perfect student, but not me. I don't give a damn about that. I stay leaning at the wall next to the door. I can hear the teacher droning endlessly... the same thing everyday. My mind was still thinking about the blonde. 

My eyes try to see her but without success. I sigh and drop my head. I think about how everyone is different. Different thoughts, different ways of thinking. Everyone has their own personality, something very special that makes them stand out. And there I am, the loneliest, the most unpopular, the one with no personality at all. Was this...my destiny? I was always lonely. Was it because I was fat in middle school? No one noticed that I lost weight... Or maybe because I was ugly? I work out daily and even do some skin care... Or maybe both? Was this why no one wanted to be my friend? 

I started to question why am I the way i am?. Is there any cure for loneliness? I sigh, i didn't want to fall into depression again, it's too damn hard to go through. I close my eyes and try to rest my head in peace but the class is full of noisy teenagers and my head is filled with these thoughts... 

Was i just not made for people? 

I look at my phone and stare at my reflection, but I can't see myself. All I see is a big question mark. Who am I? What am I? What purpose do i have in this world?. I try to focus on my reflection but i just see myself as worthless. The mirror started to become blurry because my eyes were filled with tears. My heart was pumping so hard. Am i not worthy of any love? Am i just some lonely ass looser? Was it all i was destined for? Why? Why? WHY? 

c.ai 

I slam my hand into the desk, shattering the phone screen into pieces. I look at my hand filled with blood, but i don't feel it, I feel nothing. I look at myself with a blank expression. I was numb to the pain, I didn't feel anything anymore. That's when a memory popped up. A memory from middle school. I was getting bullied. I was alone. 

Why... do you hate me? I say to myself with a sad tone. I think about all the people that hated me and bullied me for no apparent reason, I don't even know why myself... 

The teac.ai 

The teacher sighs and says "Carter, my office, now." I look at the teacher with sadness. "Why, Sir? What did I do wrong"? I was trying to hold my tears. He looks at me with a serious face and says "You know exactly why, come now". I stand up and I look at everyone. A lot of people were looking at me. I close my eyes and I let the tears slide on my cheeks. All everyone saw was a depressed, lonely and a broken boy. I close my eyes as I follow the teacher to the office... 

The teacher goes and sits at his desk " Stop destroying your stuffs Carter, we all know you got anger issues, we don't want what happened last year to happen again, do we?" I stand in front of the desk, my eyes filled with tears. "I'm trying Sir.. it's just that..". I let out a long sigh before going silent. "I don't know why I have these anger issues". "That's why I'm sending you to the school counselor", he says. "But Sir it's all good I've been feeling fine-" "No, you haven't" he cut me off "You've been getting worse" , I look at him and he stares at me with a serious face. "You know I'm right" 

He looks at me and I avoid his gaze. "You know what they think about you in the corridor? " He then asks. I try to speak. "I-I don't know?" I say nervously. He looks down at his desk for a few seconds before looking at me again "They don't think good of you Carter". I just stay silent and look down at my feet. "You know I'm right" he says as he puts his hands under his chin. The conversation seems to make the school counselor come out. "What's happening?" he asked. 

"It's Carter again" the teacher replies back. This is not my first time getting this treatment. I start to think maybe i am really that bad. "Yes, i know" the school counselor replies. I look at him with a sad face. The counselor seems to know what i m going through. "Would you like to sit down with me for a moment?" he asks me. I take a deep breath and I sigh "Sure". I take sit on the chair in front of the desk. I look at him with a straight face. 

The counselor says in sighs " Just... stop hurting yourself Carter, It's not long until graduation and it would be a shame to end it like this." 

I stay listening to the counselor while trying not to show any emotions. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I think about what the counselor just said and how i shouldn't hurt myself. "I won't do it again sir" I say with a quiet voice. I try not to seem to weak but it looks like I've reached my breaking point. I start to get nervous, my legs start to shiver. I try to tell myself that it won't happen again, but i know that in a few days ill probably do the same thing... 

I sigh in relief as I finally hear the bell ring. I'm already standing up and heading for the door. I hear the teacher say "And don't be late for the next period, okay?". I was too tired to even hear that. I just ignore that and head out of the room. The hall is now crowded with students. I try to pass through them without getting noticed.