Boy what da hell boy

I'm tired, borderlands has me beat and my rewards legitimately make me sadder than a Hungarian watching the mongols raze his town for 2 loaves of bread , yes that is canon, it's in the lore. Trust me.

Also the deep expanse and quiet of space is not the greatest asmr for staying awake.

*loud and extremely foreboding yawn nothing is going to happen I swear, believe me this story never goes off the rails!*

Covering my mouth I lay back in the comfy corpus heated seat, peeling off my grineer armor my sweat is allowed to flow freely and I clasp my arms behind my head and rock back and forth lightly.

A little shut eye wouldn't hurt, once I return I can pay the bills and everything will go back to normal. Hehehe.

*snore meee mee mee mee*

--

--

one eternity later

---

--

*drip*

*drip*

Eh?

Water splashes lightly on my face. Wait what.

How.

I open my eyes and darkness is all around me.

Boy what da hell boy.

No seriously WHAT THE FUCK CANNOT I NOT CATCH A BREAK? WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME BANDITS? HIGHWAYMEN, MOLESTERS!?!?!?

*whoosh*

*splash*

"Uh, uh, uh."

A confused gargle sounds to my right.

Boy what da hell boy.

"Raghh."

The thing continues to moan in pain, I remain unmoving so I dont alert it.

System do something!?!?!?

[@&&@>×(!9!010+0(!@*!,(■•■•€]

What.

[Get fucked.]

WHAT!

[!^!<!*+[)!(@,@*@[!]]

I bend my legs slowly and get into a squatted stance.

Inventory?

[Inventory]

Ah, atleast that isn't fucked.

Wait shit is missing.

All the futuristic shit is gone, MY PLASMA GRENADE!

Wait.

Hol up.

That can only mean one thing.

FUCK MY LIFE FORCED TRANSMIGRATION FUCK YOUUU!!!!

Ah at least my axe is here, but none of my skills are displaying, also those tokens for those warriors remain. Those could be useful once I find where the fuck I am.

I look around and see a dimly lit torch being held up by an emaciated arm in the distance.

A shadowy figure of a lanky person in cloth stands and stares at the ground.

"ah, ah, ah."

The person weeps quietly, so that's the fucker that's been moaning in my ear.

I crouch towards the fucker quietly as he cries in his timeout corner, I get to the point where I can smell his nasty rags and then I get a better look at the freak, his skin is stuck tightly to his head, and his body is crooked to the right, his spine being irregularly bent.

Somehow this fucker looks familiar, but I can quite put my tongue on it.

Oh well.

"VALHALLA!!!"

I scream my lungs out and the living corpse nearly feints from fright, I raise my axe and bring it down on his back using my inhuman strength, his body is turned into a peninsula.

I kick his screaming form off of my axe and start stomping like a Romanian who just got caught pickpocketing by a child.

"AGHHH-"

After 2 more righteous stomps the thing stops crying and a small orb appears over it.

What da hell is dat.

I reach out to the orb and a small golden energy enters me

eh?

A number appears subconsciously in my mind.

(13)

13 what? Doubloons!?!

Fuck whatever let's continue down this creepy ass cave.

This area is much more lit with torches lining the somehow familiar area.

I come upon a small campfire with some brown soup boiling in a pot hanging from a tripod of three sticks.

The soup looks extremely unappetizing to say the least.

Shit soup to be frank.

I kick the stand over and the diarrhea stew spills out onto the cold ground. I continue on my way down the cave until sunlight pierces down on me from a opening in the ceiling

Grass also made it's way into the cave floor.

3 more plebeians wander around the sunlit area doing a whole lot of nothing.

2 of them wear the same yellow cloth and have shortsword but the 1 one on a natural land bridge above is concerning.

A knight in colorful armor stands with a bow and a spear on his back. He watches, his eyes lifeless under his half faced helm.

Again, something is really familiar about that fucker in particular.

I crouch through the tall grass towards the walking corpse with a shortsword.

I put my axe around his neck and pull him down into the grass, I take my hands and wrap them around its neck and crush it.

It tries to scream but a smashed throat doesn't bode well for speech.

(24)

2 more left.

I metal gear solid my way over to the other zombie thing and kick its legs out from under itself causing to to fall backwards where I then catch and strangle it easy peasy.

(32)

The number going up is quite foreboding.

The knight on the bridge is gonna be a problem fo sho though.

No way I can get up to him without getting spotted.

Hmm. Hmm.

Taking a rock from the ground I grasp it firmly and rear my arm back.

I sling the rock straight at the knight and it smashes his helmet and leaves a dent when it flies off.

"Hrghrh!!?"

The knight aims his crossbow at me and fires, the bolt whizzes through the air but I'm already gone by the time it reaches the ground.

I rush around and upwards towards the rock bridge where he stands.

The knight starts to reload his crossbow but he realizes I'm coming for him so instead he draws a shortsword and a huge golden heater shield.

My axe bursts in flames and the knight stops his advance in fear.

"Augh AHH!"

The knights shield glows yellow and he runs straight at me.

An invisible force pushes on me as I sidestep and luckily I dont get caught.

At the end of his charge the knights shield explodes in a bright golden light. He turns to me panting and begins stomping at me sluggishly, opting to drop his shield presumably because of the weight issue.

I hold my axe sideways next to my hip ready to slash.

He slowly swipes his shortsword at me and I can easily dodge and counterattack, my axe rips through his mail and into his sternum which forces out a pained cry. He falls to his knees and grips the axe head in his waist.

I hold the axe handle and shimmy it up and down to make the man scream in pain.

Using my off hand I punch the knight in the face and I can feel the visceral crunch of his face breaking after each strike.

(48)

Eh. I guess that means he deaded.

I put my axe back into my inventory and continue on.

Another dank hallway with torches who would have guessed.

After a few minutes of walking down the cave I soon reach a pair of double doors. Wooden and turning green from the moisture of the cave.

I clasp my hands on the doors and take in a deep breath, finally I can get out of this shithole.

*swoosh*

NO.

NO NO NO .

It has dawned on me where I am.

No. Please why no god why please NO!

A shimmering fog wall stands before me, a light mist bustles and entwines on itself forming the shape of a door with no handle.

I put my palm to the mist and it slides through with a small amount of resistance.

Here we go again.

Walking slowly through the fog wall an unsettling spine chilling feeling spreads through out my body.

[SOLDIER OF GOD(rick)]

Another knight stands in a sunlit cave opening, water drips all around him as he polishes his claymore.

He looks at me and groans.

"Another tarnished seeking a path. Pathetic creatures you lot, akin to worms craving soil."

Ah this one speaks.

"Listen here you fucking larper move and resolve this peacefully or I'm finna kill your ass."

The knight stands up, he is tall, compared to the others I've encountered so far. 6 feet 3 inches maybe.

"Surprising to say the least, a tarnished who is literate, but of course only to have a foul mouth."

"ALL RIGHT YOU COSPLAYING BASTARD! LEOFRICH I CHOOSE YOU!"

I toss a small golden medallion down at the ground, it lands and creates a giant blue flash.

From the flash a man with a sharp beard and helmet appears. Extremely heavy silver armor and a zweihander with an extra thick blade weighing at least 20 pounds.

"What sorcery is this."

The knight stares at the silent Leofrich.

"LEOFRICH USE KILL THAT DUMBASS HOE!"

Leofrich holds his zweihander in thrusting position.

"As he wishes."

The soldier of god blocks the first thrust but soon an onslaught of blows follows and he is overwhelmed.

"I AM THE GREATEST KNIGHT IN LIMGRAVE THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE!"

The soldier of god begins sweating bullets as the heavy knight beats down on him.

"YAAAGHH!"

The soldier of god takes a seax from his side and jams it into Leofrichs armor but it only leaves a small dent.

Leofrich takes the soldier of god by his head, gripping him with his zweihander in hand and lifts him off the ground with a strained grunt, now dangling off the ground the soldier of god frantically beats on his opponents gauntlets.

Leofrich slams the soldier down onto the ground head first and leaves him dazed.

"Pathetic that a man such as yourself is called a knight."

Leofrich takes a dagger and hammer from his belt and straddles the soldier, he then puts the dagger on the neck crack of his coif, placing the hammer gingerly over the dagger he starts giving it taps, the dagger begins slowly pushing into the soldiers neck much to his disapproval and screams that are soon cut short my blood pouring from his mouth.

*tap*

*tap*

The dagger meets half its length in his neck and the soldier stops struggling.

Leofrich retrieves his equipment and a small gold beam pours into him.

"VICTORYY!!"

I raise my arms in excitement.

"What are my next orders."

"Oh ehh. Just follow me for now."

Shit I forgot I cant unsummon him.

Welp time to get the first site of grace!!!

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Chapterly song suggestion -- Gates of Ekrund - Wind Rose