Chapter 24 []

The cool darkness of the shadow plane greets me as I go under.

I try to calm my racing heart as I use the shadows around me to move up through the girl's wing. Through the non-light, I note which floor I'm on. Once I'm on the third I count until I'm at door 70. I hover just outside the door to confirm it was indeed the right room.

I push myself into Kate's room looking for a shadow to resurface from. Luckily it appeared she wasn't in her room at the moment, but from the dimmed crystal overhead and disturbed sheets on the bottom bunk, it's clear Kate's been here. I meld out of a shadow in the corner of the room.

Once surfaced I sit on the bottom bunk. I grit my teeth a little as the searing pain of the mark comes and goes. It hurt more than usual for the amount of magic I used but it was also briefer. Almost as if the mark was going easy on me today.

I wanted to do a little more mental preparation, but the soft click from the door prompts me to stand. The world seems to slow as I see Kate, for the first time in days, walk through the door. Her eyes are a little sunken, hair damp and messy, and she's wearing her pajamas. Her yawn catches in her throat as she sees me.

Kate's red eyes are wide as they fixate on me, and they aren't as happy as I'd hoped. On the contrary, they were filled with fear.

"B-benji," Kate stutters, closing the door behind her, "W-what are you doing here."

My voice catches in my throat, as nothing comes out of my gaping mouth. I swallow hard trying to find my words.

"I-I had to see you," I blurt, "I was worried."

"You were worried about me," Kate echos almost as if puzzled.

"How could I not," I start.

Kate shakes her head, "But me Benji? Did you forget what happened," she asks, searching my eyes, "What I did to him."

I swallow as I suddenly find it difficult to maintain eye contact.

"I don't deserve your worry," Kate says, her voice trembling.

My mind races trying to offer any comforting words, but my mouth betrays me remaining shut. Leaving me staring helplessly.

"I don't know how you can even stand to look at me. Those kind eyes. I don't deserve them. I'm a terrible being with a terrible affinity," Kate continues, "I hurt someone badly…again. I'm a monster."

"Stop saying that about yourself," I snap.

I stalk toward Kate and grab her shoulders.

"You're not a monster, and your affinity it's amazing…and…and you couldn't have done all of that on purpose—not without a reason," I say, "You're just not that kind of person."

Kate looks away, "Your hands…they're trembling Benji. And you can't be sure that's true," she says.

I hesitate. Kate's right. I had no real way of knowing. I couldn't even fully convince my body it wasn't in danger right now, but this feeling in my chest—my heart. I just knew it had to be true, but if it wasn't. If it wasn't—I didn't want to think about that.

I grip Kate's shoulders lightly as I shake my head, "No way. There's more to it. I just know it. By the campfire, and even then. Your eyes were the same. You weren't yourself."

I wish desperately that Kate would look at me or say anything, but she doesn't.

Kate looked so sad, eyes on the brink of tears that she wouldn't let fall. She'd been suffering all this time alone, and still wouldn't let a single tear fall. I wanted to comfort her and say all the right things. I wanted to be the person she needed right now, but right now it feels wrong. Like I'm stumbling in the dark.

If there was a way for me to swap places with someone dearer to her, someone who understood, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

'Would this have gone differently if I'd come sooner.'

I didn't know—I couldn't—but I'm here right now, and I'd do all I could. I pull Kate close and hug her tight. It's the only thing I knew to do.

"This entire week has been torture," I whisper, "All I've wanted was to see you…to know you were okay. I just…didn't know how to feel after you ran off like that."

A small gasp comes from Kate at this. Her arms come up to return the hug, and she pulls herself closer to me burying her face in my chest. She then whispers something I can't quite hear, and I feel her tears dampening my shirt.

"We're a team," I continue after a moment trying to keep my voice steady, "I can promise it'll take a lot more than what happened to make me leave you. I'll listen to anything you have to say. So don't hide away like this…anymore, please."

Kate squeezes me tighter, as she further dampens my shirt. While I couldn't call this 'cheered up' I felt like I made progress in the right direction.

Suffering alone is a horrible feeling. I know that all too well.

While mom was around sometimes an elite had their duties. Week-long, month-long duties. Most days it was just me and the training calendar. Sometimes it was the closest I could be to her.

When the dinners she left ran out. I stayed optimistic. When I went too far in training. I'd bandage up, and try again. But some nights I cracked, and the tears fell, but did you ever really cry if no one was around to hear it? I still don't know.

We're sitting on Kate's bed now. She's sitting beside me with her head on my shoulder. She quietly eats the cookies I offered. Tears stain her face, and we sit in silence. After a while, Kate pipes up.

"What about Vanty."

I glance over to the window. The sky is a deep violet, the hints of sunset dissolving into a memory. Around now I'd guess Marshal and Vanty were well into their talk, and I hadn't heard the signal either.

"Don't worry, Marshal is keeping her busy, we have time," I say.

Kate sits up finishing the cookie in her hand, "So he helped too, huh."

I nod.

"While I wish I could say I did this alone. If I hadn't relied on him when I did…I wouldn't be here right now," I say.

A soft smile spreads on Kate's face, and after a few moments, it falls. She takes a deep breath and looks right at me.

"I want you to know. I- want to tell you why I was scared at the fire, and…why I lost control," Kate starts suddenly, and though it looked like she was trying really hard to be brave right now I couldn't stop myself from interrupting.

"Are you sure," I ask.

While I desperately wanted to know, I felt like I might have pushed her too far with my speech, and I didn't want her reliving her past if she wasn't ready just because of me.

"Yes," Kate says, a little meeker than before.

"I want to get this off my chest. I shouldn't have had only one person to go to, and It doesn't excuse anything…but I want you to know—really," Kate restates, though her face showed a smile, through her current cracked composure, her tensed muscles, and shift in tone made me apprehensive. But I just couldn't deny such a sincere request.

"Alright," I concede finally, "Just don't push yourself."

Kate has already broken into a light sweat, which mildly alarmed me, but she nods.

"You already know I was trained to be a fire mage, right," Kate asks.

I nod.

"Well, my mother, she wanted me to be a fire mage. Like really really wanted me to be one, so when my affinity manifested, and I finally worked up the courage to tell mother. She…wasn't happy. She said her daughter was a fire mage and told me that would be my affinity. My training continued the same, but it got harder. And mother she…didn't seem to care much anymore when I got hurt. And o-one day she…she," Kate pauses here starting to tremble.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort. Her eyes were all far again, and she seemed to snap back starting where she left off.

"I-I thought I was going to die. Mother didn't care…she was going too far, and Sue. She saved me. She got me away from Mother. She…she didn't want me anymore. I saw the letter she…abandoned me. I loved her—I did. And she loved me, then all that love went away. I want to forgive her but I can't, and yet," Kate pauses again to collect herself.

I offer Kate a cookie, telling her she's done enough, and that she didn't have to finish, she declines, however.

"I want to finish," Kate whispers before taking another moment to collect her thoughts.

"The one I hurt was Sue. At a point, I couldn't even look at fire without panicking, and for a while, Sue trained me without using her fire. After a few years, I thought I had mostly conquered my fear, so I thought training with it might be the last hurdle, but even though it was Sue and I knew she would never really try to hurt me…all I saw was my mother when she used her magic. Then all I could think was that I wanted her to feel how I felt then. The feeling built until everything went blank, then when I 'woke up' Sue was hurt," Kate says, shaking her head.

"It happens every time I fight a fire user. I can hardly stand to watch one fight, and when I fight them even when I try so hard not to lose control…I blackout, and then I've done something horrible," Kate finishes.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," I start to say but Kate stops me.

"You don't have to say that," she says, "I- wish I could've told you sooner."

"Will you…come out tomorrow," I ask.

Kate diverts her eyes.

"But Floven. I don't. I don't know. Do you think he'll forgive me," Kate asks, fidgeting with her hands.

"You'd be surprised what a whole-hearted apology will fix," I tell her.

Kate looks down with an uncomfortable expression, "But is that really enough," she sighs.

"I'd like a fruit basket too if I were stuck in the medical ward, so you could bring that as well, "I offer.

Kate doesn't look too moved by my suggestion.

"If you're that nervous, I could come too," I offer.

Kate smiles but shakes her head, "That's okay, I think that's something I should do alone, but I'd like it if you helped with the fruit basket."

I smile reassuringly then hear the muffled high-pitched twitter of a bird. My eyes widen as I panic, but I calm down quickly realizing I have at least a minute to get out of here.

"What was that," Kate asks, seeing my reaction.

"That's my cue to leave," I say reluctantly.

"Oh. I-I'm glad you came," she says, "It. It meant a lot."

I nod, walking up to a wall, and taking a step into my shadow. As I sink in Kate says, "I-I'll see you tomorrow…I promise." I look back with a smile.

"I'll be waiting."

And then I'm gone.