Chapter 1
Jared Harrison always knew he was gay, the same way he always knew the sun would rise in the morning or the stars would shine at night. He saw these things happen as a child, accepted them without question, and when explained the physics behind the sun and stars and sky, nodded and said, right. That’s how things are done. That’s how the world works
His attraction to guys is really much the same sort of thing. He’s always liked men, always, with one exception. His father. That man scares the hellout of him.
Jared will never be good enough for Mr. Harrison. He knows—he’s tried. No grade is high enough, no extracurricular activity sporty enough. Jared plays JV football in high school to impress the man—no dice, and when he isn’t picked for the Varsity team, the look of disappointment in his father’s eyes says it all. Jared fears him—not because he yells, which he doesn’t, but because he shows no real emotion whatsoever as far as Jared can tell. A smile from him just might ignite the world.
But all Jared feels from him is cold and unwanted and alone.
If his father is unimpressed with his straight A’s and 4.0 grade point average, Jared knows his homosexuality won’t win him any “son of the year” awards. So he keeps it quiet while he lives at home. No one has to know. He even tries dating girls—one in particular, Missy Adams, is pretty and smart and rich, everything Mr. Harrison should like in a girlfriend for his son and doesn’t. Jared even takes her to their senior prom—he has the photo his mother took on the staircase to prove it—but when Missy realizes Jared isn’t interested in getting up under her dress, she finds someone who is and leaves with the captain of the football team, a sexy guy named Price Wayne who Jared would like to leave with himself.
He starts college with high hopes—his grades snag him a coveted acceptance to his father’s alma mater. Who wouldn’t be proud of that? But Jared doesn’t hear a word of praise; instead, the acceptance letter gets a grunt. It’s more than his father has had to say to him in quite a while.
Then, before he can announce his major, Mr. Harrison mutters from behind the evening paper, “You’re studying law if you expect me to pay for it.”
Jared does plan to follow in his father’s footsteps, and has already declared a major in pre-law, but being told what he has to do robs him of some of the joy he felt opening the acceptance letter. At least he’ll be out on his own for the first time in his life. Away from home, away from his father.
Jared’s mother is no help. “That’s just how he is,” she says, as if explaining the behavior excuses it somehow. “You get used to it eventually.”
But how long will it take? At twenty years of age, Jared’s known his father all his life and hasn’t gotten “used to it” yet. With the first two years of college under his belt, the rest of his life stretches ahead like a crossroads—continue down the scholarly path, get his law degree, pass the bar exam, join a law firm like his father did, or, hell, start his own. Or throw everything away, embrace who he is and who he wants to be, and forget trying to please the one man who means the world to him, the one man he’ll never truly be able to love.
Who’s he kidding? No matter how he tries to tell himself otherwise, Jared will never be able to please his father, and though he knows that, he also knows he’ll never stop trying.
* * * *
Jared meets Larry Brennis freshman year—they live on the same residential hall and have an unnerving habit of running into each other in the bathroom before class. Jared can only stare at Larry’s tanned, smooth chest so many times in the mirror while brushing his teeth before he starts talking to the guy. One thing leads to another and soon they’re friends, eating meals together at the cafeteria, hanging out in the student union between classes, staying up late in the study lounge after their roommates go to bed. It’s in the lounge where something more begins to blossom between them, and before they leave for their respective homes during winter break, Larry surprises Jared with a kiss.
When the spring semester starts, they’re together. Like that, Jared thinks, though he doesn’t have anyone to tell it to—he talks to a few people in his classes, but Larry’s the only real friend he’s bothered to make. They decide to room together in the fall as sophomores, and by the end of that year, they’re picking out apartments off campus to rent.