A certain stop

1 year ago, I got myself a girlfriend. It was out of my rational thinking.

She was lovely, beautiful and had a pretty personality. She was able to understand me, and made me feel loved. It wasn't that long of a relationship, it was short to be honest. But it felt like the greatest time of my life, just being with her.

Our relationship can be defined as, non-ending cycle of pureness and happiness. We were just happy to be with one another, the feeling of love just never stopped. It should've never stopped.....

One day, as I was going to her house, for a visit. I saw her kissing another guy near her house. It sent shivers done to my spine, the feeling of suffocation, disgust , anger. All mixed up in my head, in what feels like a nightmare. I stood there, looking at both of them, and seeing with my own eyes how I am fool for trusting a human being.

When I was able to come to my senses they had already left. My feet felt like they have been shackled by something that can't be seen. My chest felt heavy, and my mind is just begging me to move. And I moved, I emptied my thoughts like I used to, and walked. As far as I can, as far as I can see.

It got me to a to an old abandoned tree house that I now visit everyday, but back then it felt empty. I felt empty. I had thought that I finally found someone to whom I can devote my life to, but I was mistaken. I was horrified, at the scene I saw that keeps flashing back into my mind.

When I thought of something to calm me down, I wasn't able to, it felt like I was left in darkness, brewing whatever I can think of and piece them together, but I can't. It was reality, and reality just slapped me real hard.

I came to decide to ask my girlfriend what she did in the day and apologized for not showing up. Hoping that I was dreaming, hoping her to tell that it was all a nightmare. That it was just a big misunderstanding. I was too irrational, and that irrationality led me to think that I can move on to whatever lie there is to make myself calm.

<ah, ahnn ahh, yuuji stop, ahh. Don't answer the phone, please stop ahnn>

<Hey, nerd. You hearin' this? You there? I am enjoying this feast that you gave me to the fullest, thank you so much. Did you ever think......>

As soon as I heard those, all the walls, the self-defense mechanism, all rationality in my head shattered. I felt nothingness, despair , and cruelty. I wasn't able to explain it myself, that feeling, that horrifying feeling was engraved in me like a seal.

That emptiness I felt broke me. Destroyed almost anything I could think of, my heart just kept beating loudly, my hands shook, my legs we're shaking uncontrollably, I can't feel any air going thru my mouth, I wasn't able to breath properly. Those uncontrollable feelings that kept on surfacing finally got to me and I felt down on my knees.

<Love, is indeed cruel>

I said while laughing and tears pouring from my eyes like a waterfall. I shouted and shouted, venting my anger to nothingness, and the me who let his guard down for love.

After a few minutes of feeling despair, I stood up, got my phone, and decided to upload the live recording of the phone call I have had with my now "ex-girlfriend". I felt like an automatic robot, that did whatever my mind told it too. I always record our calls because I loved hearing her voice, so my mind instinctively knew that there was a recording to it. I uploaded it to the schools page, and named them. Of course, I knew at the back of my mind that destroying there reputation as revenge would never get me out of this feeling but, at that time, I had the feeling that I just had to, no matter what.

I went home as I was supposed to, and thought of a lot of things. I emptied myself and just think of ways to completely isolate myself. Until I fell asleep.

The next day I kept on thinking, I knew if I stopped thinking, the pain I felt, the emotions I felt, will come surfacing up again, so I had better built the walls for myself as fast as I can. As better as I can. That was the solution I came up to get over my first love.

As soon as that happened, I came to know the definition of despair and what it takes to trample anything. As I went to school the next day, the incident blew up, yuuji and the girl that I once loved, did their best to hide the fact that it was them, and as I am empty, I want them to feel the despair I had felt. So I send an anonymous article to the schools page that it was them. And found evidences of what they were doing behind my back. It all surfaced, and I had them by their necks, It was a bliss like no other, it felt like I was in ecstasy. For a week, I continued to torture them with rumors I made, just so they can feel Isolated to the society. The girl soon transferred and Yuuji remained.

For the rest of the year, Yuuji was scorned, bullied by his own friends , branded as thrash of the society. And he came to me.

<Shawwwwwwnnnnnnnn, Stop with your god damned revenge! I know it's you>

As he shouted to me while I was walking home, but it all felt like unnecessary noise to me. Ahhh, I knew at this point that I had become so empty I can't even feel anything anymore. So with a smile in my face, I answered.

<Yes, and?>

As soon as he heard what I said, I felt this indescribably wonderful feeling of ecstasy course thru my vein, as I watched him felt despair. I savored every emotion he showed that day, and I was able to look at myself like no other. This is me, I told myself.

<You, I loved your expression just now. You incompetent fool hahaha, you thought you could break me, right? You thought, you held me by my neck right? You.... don't know an ounce about me, you can never tell how empty I am that's why you thought you could do whatever you do with me right?>

I was laughing as I said it, looking at him like a puppy who's about to piss himself. I was satisfied, but that was it.

<I'll stop now, it got boring. Watching you and that girl look for every possible option to escape the situation bored me to death. True, I loved her. But that was it, That is just a single feeling out of countless others. Thrash should live with thrash and you weren't even thrash, you're just a pebble for me to kick on the side of the road, and I am tired of it>

<You shitty bi*ch>

I breathe a sigh and walked home, without looking back. And for the rest of the year, I became more and more empty, looking at people like pebbles I deemed unnecessary to even kick.