Her Goodbye

We continued our walk, this time with our entourage close enough to pay attention to what we were saying. Privacy is something I'm not allowed anymore. Or maybe my privacy before was only an illusion as the only person I could speak to in confidence was Lizabeth. I trust her, but she's still under my father's employ, so if she lied about something she could be fired, or even executed.

With Venna I can't help but feel that even if others are around, I'd be okay.

"So, what will you do when you get better after I'm gone?"

I can tell by her tone of voice that she's fishing for a specific answer here, and I'm not going to take the bait right away.

"I'm sure I'll have a tutor hired to teach me about runic carving and magic circles. I'll probably also have to take time to study more on economics and budgets. I might be able to request a swordsmanship class to supplement for my reduced courses on etiquette and dance since I'll only need the bare minimum to keep up my current skills."

"That's a busy schedule, but there's something else I thought you'd be doing as well. I won't be around to see all your progress after all."

She gave me that sly smirk again. She knows I avoided the answer she wants deliberately, so she's trying to goad me a bit more. I think I sometimes ignore her obvious cues to keep her teasing me. Maybe I like her sly smiles and teasing tone of voice more than I thought.

"Fine, I will make sure to write you frequently, Lady Rhyvenna."

"Ouch, pulling out the 'Lady' title again. That's hurtful Lady Marisilea."

She's making her playful teasing as obvious as possible with her exaggeratedly hurt tone, and I'm amused by it, just like she intended. I just hope no one but Venna can see my slight smile. Sometimes my cheeks hurt from trying to keep it in while she's teasing me.

"But seriously, do you have any other plans for something further in the future, Mari?"

"I was considering directly applying to enter the Magi Tower for more in depth instruction when I turned 16, but that's still three years away."

"You're not going to enter the Magi Academy, but instead directly apply to the Tower?"

  "If I want better instructors and more personal guidance, then going directly to the Tower would be the best choice. There's no guarantee I'll be accepted, and I can always apply to both."

The real reason I want to go directly to the Tower instead of the Academy is because I'll be under the direct supervision, and therefore protection, of the Tower. At the Academy the nobles still have the lion's share of control. I don't want to enter the quagmire that is noble politics inside the Academy. I can gain greater achievements through the Tower at a faster pace if I apply myself as well, which would reflect well on my family, so I don't think they'd be opposed to it.

I could get into the Tower after completing three years in the Academy, but then I'd have to spend three more years dealing with the pressures of being a 'firstborn daughter' and representing the Duke of Arkesh. There'd be obligations I'd have to fulfill related to my title as the Young Lady of the Arkesh Dukedom, and I'd have to socialize with people who disdain the mere thought of me existing anywhere near the same building as them. I want to earn respect and gain prestige for my family, but I'd prefer to do it on my own terms, and not have to fight through the porcelain face of noble etiquette.

"Well, my parents had talked about allowing me to enter the Magi Academy when I turned 16, or I could join you at the Magi Tower, though I'd have to put in more effort to get there. Not sure I have the patience to pull that off."

She appeared to be directing a sardonic smile at herself, a hint of frustration crossing her features. Even if she wants to go to the Academy with me, I don't want to sacrifice myself just for that. I'm not sure how long I can last in that environment, and if I don't put in every effort I have to avoid that, I'll probably hate myself for it.

"Well, I will do everything in my power to study for the Tower, but if I don't make it I'd be happy to attend the Academy with you. The admission rate directly to the Tower is incredibly low to begin with, so there's still a chance I won't pass."

I really hope that's not the case though. As much as I'd like to attend classes with Venna, I don't want to go to the Academy.

"Most of the Magi and Instructors in the Tower are a lot older, and I've heard a majority of them don't want to take time out of research and work to tutor young aspiring Magi. You might miss out on making new friends and learning something from your peers too. I won't try to dissuade you; I just think there might be advantages and disadvantages to both that you might not have considered."

I think she probably caught on to my anxiety about the Academy. And she's right, I hadn't looked at it from that point of view. Not all the students in the Magi Academy will be nobles. Maybe not even most, but certainly the number won't be small. A chance to find other friends, socialize outside of noble circles, and maybe learn something that old, stuck-in-their-ways Magi might not be able to teach me. Sometimes the younger generation is the group that comes up with ground-breaking magic theories. Not often, but sometimes.

"I'll keep that in mind. I think my goal will still be to attend the Tower, but I will think more positively on the Academy. If we end up in the Academy together, we could share a few classes, or if it's the Tower, we might be able to research some similar magic.

"Is there anything that you're considering doing Venna? I know you would like to enter the Tower with me, or maybe the Academy, but what would you like to do aside from preparing for those?"

"I'll probably train in the sword and bow, practice using my personal magic since I won't be able to do that in the Academy, and maybe eat a lot more cakes."

I couldn't help but giggle at that. The image of her sitting in front of a table full of cakes and pastries with her eyes shining in anticipation is just adorable. I know I broke decorum, but I couldn't help it.

Venna's face was priceless too. She was staring at me stunned, and a blush was creeping up her neck and on to her cheeks. She probably realized I was laughing at her for wanting to eat so much cake.

"Having a food you like is nothing to be embarrassed about, Lady Rhyvenna."

"Oh, you're teasing me now, huh? Well, I'll have you know that I wasn't embarrassed about liking cake. I was just…"

Her pause was a bit long. It's unusual for her to not be able to find words. I'm glad I teased her about this.

"Having trouble finding an excuse?"

She rolled her eyes at me, then coughed slightly into her hand in an attempt to segue into another subject.

"We should be heading back now, but I don't really want to stop spending time with you. I'm leaving early tomorrow, and I think we should have our meals together for the rest of the day. So what would you like for lunch Mari?"

She rambled a bit there, and I can still see a bit of the blush from earlier on her ears. Was it really that embarrassing to be called out about liking cake?

"I'm sure Healer Yumi still has a specific meal that she wants me to eat, but I can put in a request for some cake for you if you'd like."

"Ugh, can we drop the cakes. It's really not that embarrassing, and I don't like them that much."

It's cute how she's trying to avoid the subject.

"Sure. I can put in a request for a meal for you with the Kitchen now if you'd like. We could have lunch under the gazebo by the lake as well.

"Lizabeth, would you arrange for my and Lady Rhyvenna's meal to be had at the gazebo?"

"Of course m'lady, I'll have the chefs prepare it shortly."

"Oh, and make sure to have some cake prepared as well."

After Lizabeth departed, Venna turned back to me with an exasperated expression.

"You're really not going to let this go, are you?"

"Probably not."

After our meal we walked a less winding and shorter route back to my room. I was more tired than I realized, and sitting down in a comfortable chair would be a welcoming feeling. We talked a little bit here and there on our way, but not about anything important. I couldn't think of anything else to tease Venna about aside from cake, and I didn't want to wear that out too quickly, so Venna ended up doing the majority of the teasing.

We played a few more games in my room until dinner, then we both ate at the table in the small dining area attached to my room. Venna did actually have some cake this time, though I didn't tease her about it.

As the day was starting to end, and I could see the sun setting, I felt a growing melancholy.

"Will you be leaving very early tomorrow?"

"My parents want us in the carriage before dawn, so I'm not sure you'll be awake at that hour."

"I can have someone arrange for me to be up before you leave."

"I'd like that, but I don't want you to endanger your health when you're just getting better."

"There shouldn't be much risk from waking up a few hours early on one day."

I extended my hand across the table, ignoring the people around me this time. I don't care about decorum, or etiquette, or whatever right now.

Venna grasped my hand and began to gently rub her thumb across the back of it again. I could feel her warmth from that small action alone. I know I'm going to miss her. Her sly smirk as she teases me, her laugh when she catches me off guard with one of her inappropriate jokes, and this gentle warmth when she holds my hand.

All of it.

Will she miss me just as much? My 'iron maiden' expressions, my lack of knowledge in anything but studies, my inability to laugh at her jokes or crack many of my own.

I doubt she'll miss me as much as I'll miss her.

Honestly, I don't care if she does or doesn't. She's given me so much just being here. If she doesn't think of me like I do of her, that's fine. I will treasure what she's done for me, and I won't forget it.

I'll write to her, and hopefully she'll respond. If she doesn't, I'll still write to her. If her heart changes while I write to her, then I'll write to my memory of her. She can burn the letters, ignore them, or send them back. I won't pretend that I wouldn't be hurt if she did, but I know that I'll always remember what she did for me now, and hopefully that will be enough for me.

"Mari, what's on your mind?"

I had briefly considered telling her that I don't want her to go. I never realized I was that selfish of a person, but then again maybe I've started to develop an unhealthy dependence on Venna. I think if we part ways I might be able to focus on getting through the more difficult times that may be coming without relying on her. I know if she does stay I'll probably want to constantly be around her instead of working on myself.

"I was considering what to write to you about after you leave."

"Maybe you could just tell me about your day, how your magic practice went, or even the taste of a new cake you've tried."

This time I'm certain she's saying it for me. She's been watching me eat all day today, and I know she noticed my reluctance to finish my meals. She's too good for me.

"I can do that, if you'd like."

"I would like that Mari, then I'll know what to try when I come back."

The next morning I had Lizabeth wake me just before the Ardaine's were about to leave. I wanted to at least say goodbye to them before I had to return to the life I lead before Venna.

It was short, and we couldn't say much as there were a lot of people present. It was also very official, so I had to say farewell to everyone equally and with etiquette in mind.

It left me unsatisfied.