Ep. 111 - Stupid Mongrels, Torture, Hobby

With that, I took Dooku's saber and left the two to regroup with Ren, Sun, and Jaune. They were sitting on their thrones with some refreshments orbiting around them, absolutely ignoring the Jedi and Clones behind them. Oh, MoonRay also landed beside them. I also took out my throne and joined them. Ah, tea after some exercise is always nice. Ah, I noticed that my hand was still bloodies, so I swiped it and left a trail of blood on the floor. Ugh, I will torture Dooku's soul for this…

Yoda tried jumping on our thrones. Strange move, to be honest. The formations activated and swatted the 'insect' away. The power was evidently too much for the old man to withstand as I heard several cracks.

"Ooh, that must've hurt… Hey! Who let the Gremlin off his leash?!" I said, summoning the limp body in front of me. He was still alive, just knocked out. Windu saw this and jumped at us with his lightsaber ignited, same with Aayla Secura, Shaak Ti, and that Davy Jones rip-off, who I didn't bother remembering. I mean, I only remembered about Secura and Shaak Ti because they are kinda hot. Ooh, I sense a disturbance in the Force that tells me that my waifus will beat me up if I have any strange thoughts…

"Stupid mongrels, you can't reach Gods, no matter what." said Jaune as Windu was repelled by his formations.

"Humans have tried and tried, but look at them. Only a little better than common mortals." said Ren. He was referring to the humans in places like DanMachi and similar universes. Secura was repelled as well.

"Take a page from their mythology: the 'Tower of Babel' was constructed to reach Heaven, yet they only wasted resources." said Sun. His formations repelled Shaak Ti.

"Even more ridiculous was their idea to wage war on Gods, just to fail miserably and suffer losses because of their own stupidity." I added, then summoned the three idiots in front of me, then slapped the four Jedi awake. I healed Yoda first though, or he might have died for real.

"Mongrels, there are a couple of reasons why I didn't exterminate you all already, but you are so stupid that I am beginning to rethink my decision. You, Gremlin, why would you ever jump on MY throne?"

"Talk, I wanted to. For coming, your reasons I wanted to know. For saving Master Qui-Gon, thank you, I wanted." the thing said.

"Hm, I see. Not a problem. I have met many Jedi throughout the years, the only ones I will bother remembering will be Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and that little Togruta girl, Rykraal. As for my reasons for coming here… Entertainment, mainly."

"Now, what should we do with these three idiots?" said Sun while smiling sadistically.

"Their crime is attacking us, I doubt they would survive if our wives were here." added Jaune.

"I feel like beheading someone today." stated Ren, sending a shiver down the three Jedi's spine. Well, not only them, but all the Jedi present. Oh, and Padme.

"Now, now, Ren… We can behead the two girls, but Windu is an interesting toy, so leave him alive." said Jaune.

"Hm… It's been a while since we added to the maid corps and we still didn't collect some alien species…" noted Sun while holding his chin and checking out the two Jedi Masters. No, not their bodies, that as well, but mainly their souls and possible futures. "They are barely qualified to serve us, though Amethyst will have to work her magic with them." He said, then created a bird cage around the two of them.

"Allow you to take them, I can't. Afraid you will have to release them, I am." said Yoda, hand on his lightsaber.

"Not care, I do. Take them, we will. Never mattered, your will did. Ahsoka Tano as well, we will take. God, how can you speak like that is still a mystery to me. The girl should be a youngling or barely old enough to be a Padawan. Send her a communication about her new instructors." I said, taking his weapon and pointing my new pistol at him. I have decided that this Anakin is too young and inexperienced to take a decent Padawan. so I will help Ahsoka. Well, probably Jaune will mainly teach her.

Anyway, the lightsaber was… Small, impractical, at least for an adult. I will however make use of this as a base and give some to the children as their first weapons, heavily customized, of course.

Yoda pulled back in fear, then something seemed to click in his head as he glanced at the blood trail I left on the ground. 'He has killed… Recently at that. That blood is definitely human… Count Dooku?' he started thinking.

"Hoh, you are actually intelligent despite being a Gremlin. Yes, Dooku is dead. I pierced his back with my arm. I am afraid that he suffered greatly, but that was one of the easiest and less painful deaths I will ever give. He should thank me that I respected his ability with the saber, or I would have slowly whittled away at his body until he died with just his soul remaining intact."

"My mind, you read?"

"Yes, mongrel. Now, get a move on with contacting the girl, or I might seriously get an itch on my trigger finger. And that wouldn't be good now, would it? Also, speak normally, or I will make it so that you will never speak again." He hastily nodded and went back to the Clones. They ignored him. "Men, listen to the Jedi's orders." They saluted and acknowledged Yoda's presence.

"Aren't they our soldiers?" murmured Plo Koon

"No, you don't deserve such great subordinates. I am lending them to you since the Republic will need them in the coming three years."

After a couple of minutes, Yoda came back. "I have informed the youngling. She will soon be sent here-"

"No need." I said and summoned Ahsoka here. To say that she was surprised would be an understatement. She looked around and saw the Jedi Masters.

"M-Master Yoda! How am I here already?"

"Your new master has brought you here. Don't ask me, I really don't know…" he said with a defeated look.

'He, he's speaking normally?!'

"Incredible, right? I had to threaten him to have the green boi speak normally." I said. Ahsoka looked around and didn't see anyone. Well, we were levitating above her, so she wouldn't see anyone with her measly height. "Up here, little girl." She turned her head up and saw us.

"So she's your new apprentice?" asked Jaune

"What do you mean 'my'? She's also your apprentice. I feel like you will be just perfect together!" I said with an evil smile.

"Yeah, sure, we all know that you will take her full-time, so why do you even bother lying?"

"Fine, she's my new apprentice! Happy now? *Sigh*, girly, I would be your new master. I will teach you how to be a real 'protector of peace' aka soldier with a modicum of negotiation skills."

Ahsoka had a complicated expression, maybe confused would be better. She pointed at us and turned back to look at Yoda. Seeing as he nodded, she sighed and spoke: "You aren't Jedi, right? I've never seen you around and your clothes do not resemble Jedi robes in the least."

"Ooh, she's a smart one. I like her already! Yes, you are right… And wrong, in a certain sense. If by 'Jedi' you mean stiff old men with robes that sit on a comfy chair all day and ruminate on life, we are definitely not part of them. If by 'Jedi' you mean 'protectors of peace', then we are probably the oldest you will find in the entire galaxy, and universe."

"You don't look old to-" I turned into a decrepit old man. "Forget what I said." I turned back to my usual mid-20's appearance. "So, when are we starting?"

"Ask and you shall be given. We will go back to 30th Haven, a round of introductions, and we will start with some light training."

"Girl, prepare for hell. His 'light' training almost broke a Sith." Not true! I went extra easy on Sara, and she almost wasn't able to keep up! I didn't break her though!

I sighed and transported the five of us, plus two maids, back to our own planet. I raised Ahsoka on my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and brought her towards the girls. I ignored her protests and shock. No time for that.

I found my wives looking at a catalogue of baby clothes. Where did they even get that?

"We're back! Amethyst, we have two prospective maids for you to play with, while I got yet another apprentice!"

"Don't you even dare think about taking her as a wife!" warned Weiss

"She's, like, 10? There's no way I would ever even entertain the thought. Plus, I'm about to be a father of way too many kids. Good thing we are Omnipresent, or this might become hard..."

"Hey, could you set me down now?!" came a voice from my shoulder. Oh, I almost forgot about Ahsoka. I lowered her to the ground and started the introductions.

"Right, I am your new master, Tula! These would be my wives. Wives this is my newest apprentice, Ahsoka Tano. Those guys are Jaune, the blonde guy, Sun, the blonde with a monkey tail, and Ren, the chill guy. Those are their wives. You will get the chance to talk with them later. For now, explanations about the Force and light training! I need to make you hungry for the barbecue tonight." Sara shuddered a little thinking back to my light training. Is it seriously that hard for a normal person?

Spoiler alert: my training is, apparently, grueling and borderline torture. Huh, who would've thought? I mean, I just went to the meditation chamber, used time-dilation, and had her learn most of the basic Force abilities to a decent level. It only took her a few years with my instruction.

When we exited the meditation chamber, she fell to her knees on the beach and started praying. Oh, and crying. I patted her head for having done a good job. Did you know that those head-tails or whatever you want to call them are extremely squishy? They're like anti-stress hair.

"I hate you."

"Nope, you don't. You hate training and closed spaces, but you don't hate me. Don't worry, you are done with the initial Force training. From now on, it's sparring, reading, inventing, and learning tactics."

"How many years will that take?! I have a lifespan and so do you!"

"Hah! As if! A lifespan, nice joke! I am immortal and so are you, on this planet. And, only a couple of hours have passed on the outside. Look, the bois are setting up the grill over there. Plus, do you seriously think that I would leave my pregnant wives alone for so many years?"

"T-then why did I grow up?!"

"I had your body continue maturing until your prime. Like this, your physical training will be easier for you and quicker. From now on, you could stay here for millions of years and look not one day over 20."

Sara arrived next to us and patted her shoulder with empty eyes. "Don't worry, child. I was his apprentice before you. You will get used to it. Come with me, I will bring you to meet Ai An, another ex-apprentice."

Ahsoka nodded and slowly made her way to the girls. I could hear her asking: "How many years did you train with Master Tula?"

"Oh, just a few years over 1600 years. Ai An apparently had to study on books for tens of thousands of years."

"There is no way I will survive…"

"Usually you would be right, but you are talking about Tula here. If he wanted to, he could instantly make you the strongest Jedi in the universe, but it's against his beliefs." Ah, she got me…

"Beliefs? That guy?"

"Yup. He can easily give and take power, exactly like all of us, but he believes that you should at least earn it, either by working hard to gain it, or to prove yourself worthy of what is given to you. My final examination was destroying the ancient Sith army a couple thousand years ago, for example."

Wifey knows me so well! I'm moved! Well, it's also because it wouldn't be fun if I gave people power with a snap of my fingers. At any rate, we had our exaggerated barbecue, then went back to the bungalows. I made another one for Ahsoka, so she didn't have to sleep outside, though the beach is perfect, both in temperature and texture. Feels like a heavenly bed.

Now, I am basically idle for at least a few months if not the next three years, if the Clone Wars are too boring, so I needed a hobby while I wasn't training Ahsoka. And what do manly men with a love for building stuff yet having absolutely no idea of how to go about it do? Obviously, buying and restoring rare or just old, nice cars! But, the Star Wars universe sucks on that front. Their vehicles are all… Cool, but not what I am looking for.

I decided to sneak away to Earth Prime, since there were quite a few cars that I had loved but couldn't get my hands on because, you know, I was an almost-broke college student who was trying to save up money to live. I had to stop time in the Star Wars universe though since my search for hobby targets wouldn't be something quick. I had a massive list of cars I wanted, in whatever condition, preferably as old as possible, so that actually restoring them would be a challenge without Omnipotence. I will still use magic and maybe change the materials for the chassis, but I will surely change the internals completely with custom designs. I will restore the original internals because I will use them as decoration. I am sure that Hephy will also love to work on these cars with me.

To help me in my search, I called over Amethyst and gave her a list of cars I wanted: an Aston Martin DB4, because James Bond, a '74 Porsche 911, a 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider, a 1966 Dino 206 S, a Lambo Miura, a '67 or close Camaro, a Datsun 280Z, I absolutely needed a DeTomaso Pantera, a Mercedes SL 300 Gullwing, a Shelby Daytona, a '68 Ford GT40, a DeLorean DMC-12, because Doc is fantastic, a '78 BMW M1, a couple more Ferrari's, including the newest ones, a couple of Aston Martin's, couple of Jaguar's, definitely wanted a McLaren F1, some classic BMW's, a few concept cars that I simply liked, and a Toyota AE86, because of those sick 'doriftos' (*snaps chopsticks* is that shitty foreign Japanese I see there?). Ooh, I feel like a kid in a candy store! Even if I've never been in one!

Amethyst took the list I gave her and started looking through it.

"So… You want to spend a few millions up to billions on old cars? Are you stupid?"

"Hobby. Do not question it. Plus, these are not just 'cars': they are the epitome of the engineering and dreams of humanity! Cutting edge technology for the times they were built in! Speeds that one could never imagine! People desperately flooring the gas pedal in search of that single moment of happiness! These are hopes, dreams, the crystallization of 'speed'!"

"Fine, just… Just shut up and let me find them. I swear, you are getting weirder by the day. Where did the kind young man that saved me go?"

"I'm right here, but a few googols made me go a little cuckoo." she nodded and started going around the world buying my new toys. Why buy them when I can just create them? Collection, just like anything else I own. I take it because it peaks my interest, but I have no need to actually buy it or steal it since I can create anything. Plus, there is a sense of trepidation when you send your maid to buy some toys and basically receive a surprise: I have no idea of the condition of the cars and how much work it will take for me to restore them, but I know that it will be fun!

Actually, I got bored after two days of waiting, so I joined Amethyst and started slapping wads of cash in people's faces and bought the cars I wanted in just over a month. I now had close to 50 'classis' cars that either needed a restoration or just needed a reworking of their internals, engines, and all that good stuff. I also acquired some motorcycles, because why not. A few MV Augusta's, a Verti GO, because electric interested me, basically any Triumph ever manufactured, in particular I bought three different Daytona's, some Ducati's, a few Harley's, a Ferrari V4, because it looked absurd, a couple of Yamaha's, couple Aprilia's, a few Kawasaki's, a Honda or two, can't remember, a couple of BMW's, a couple of Moto Guzzi's, and a Vincent Black Shadow, to top it all off.

"Tula, have you finished with your stupid shopping or do you have a few more?" Amethyst said while we were eating in a highly-rated restaurant. The cook was called Ramses, I believe, something like that. He was meh, compared to me and the bois while cooking barbecue. He's still quite good for a mortal.

"What, you don't like our date plus shopping session? Huh, I thought women enjoyed this stuff…"

"D-date?! A-and we do enjoy shopping, just not for motorcycles and cars. I mean, Yang and Hephaestus might like it, but not me…"

"How about we go on another shopping spree? Just for you. Jewels, maybe?" her eyes shined! Jackpot! We spent another couple of weeks just ransacking most of the jewelleries across the world. I also bought some sick watches and a few other things that will serve as souvenirs for the gang and waifus. And some art pieces I didn't have yet. Many of those were already pilfered in the Potterverse. Now however, it was time to go back 'home'.