Ep. 110 - Missed Me? Battle of Geonosis

I didn't actually sleep for all the time, obviously. I had to deal with two jealous adopted daughters that wanted children as well. I guess that they really love that 'incest' tag. Well, I can't say I never actually went with that, but it was just once in a while to get that bit of taboo in. Well, Weiss basically picked me up by the scruff of my neck one day and threw me into the bungalow with two thirsty girls. I lost my innocence, *sniff*, I was attacked! Well, I guess Ais and Neo are now officially promoted to wives and not daughters anymore. Well, I have real children on the way, so it's not like I will miss that… Totally not crying, okay?!

Ugh, let's forget about that… But, the good thing is that the battle of Geonosis will happen today! So things aren't too bad. Me and the bois decided that the girls will be staying on 30th Haven. Even if we are Omnipotent and everything else, there's no way we are letting our pregnant wives move around in battle. Even if it's just playing around. We will be bringing Qui-Gon with us. It is time for him to go back to the Order. And so, the five of us teleported to the spectator stands in the arena and cloaked ourselves.

"Popcorn?" proposed Jaune

"Why, of course. This will be a pretty fun show." said Ren

"Hey, guys… We are really going to be fathers soon, huh?" said Sun

"We sure will. We came such a long way since Remnant… Gives you the chills when you think of it, just how much has changed." I said

"There are certainly many things that changed, but some stayed the same. Look at us: we are still sticking together after countless googols!" said Ren

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Right, we need to talk about your excessively Yandere behavior. Every time Qui-Gon came even remotely close to your wives, you gave off so much bloodlust that I actually had difficulty standing." said Jaune

Qui-Gon shuddered when he heard this, but then steadied his gaze towards the arena, zoning out to preserve what little common sense he had left. We continued talking of random things and what to name our children. I really have a difficult time coming up with names, so I will probably just let the wifeys decide. While we were doing that, Force-Jesus aka Obi-Wan was led into the arena. Dooku had to constantly take his lightsaber away since it just reappeared in its 'holster' every few seconds. A few minutes after that, Anakin and Padme were tied up to the pillars. When I think of it, it either sounds like some kinky play or some kind of obscure ritual…

The fight against the animals was much less difficult this time. Obi-Wan easily managed to direct one of the insect's strikes towards the chains, freeing himself. He then Force Dominated the thing to attack the big kitten that was terrorizing Padme. He left his Padawan to his own devices, a wise choice. Anakin had a rather hard time fighting against that alien rhinoceros, but ended up straddling it and chaining its neck up. Again, sounds way too kinky.

The Jedi support arrived a few seconds later and started posing with their lightsabers out… Fucking idiots. Look, Qui-Gon is embarrassed! "What has the Order fallen to in just ten years?" he asked with an exasperated tone. Heh, if only he knew of the real shitstorm that's brewing here…

When the first casualties occurred, Qui-Gon jumped into the fray, instantly K.O.ing most of the droids surrounding his landing spot. He had his hood up, so no one instantly recognized him. He took his lightsaber out and everyone was shocked! While it wasn't anything gaudy, every Jedi Master knew that hilt. They had searched everywhere for it, with abysmal results. What would you expect? Finding something that I took away?

"Master?" said Obi-Wan tentatively

"My young Padawan, I see that you have learned well alone. I see that you have researched some Dark Side abilities, yet you remain faithful to the Light Side. I must commend you for that. Now, let us eliminate these droids."

"Q-Qui-Gon, sir! Weren't you dead?!" asked a confused/stunned Anakin

"No, I have been transported to a… Mystical place, you could say…" Hey, is he dissing my planet?

They started pushing back the droids, until Dooku sent in the Droideka and the B2 battle droids. The huge numbers were too much for the Jedi, so they were again suffering losses and wounds. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan then tried freezing the blaster bolts around them and succeeded, but they weren't able to move.

"Well, that's our cue." I said and got up. The Jedi that weren't too focused on, you know, surviving looked around and noticed four shady, hooded figures. Yes, that would be us.

We jumped down and swatted a few droids out of the way. Oh, that's Windu aka Mr. Jackson in the flesh! He's another guy that I can somewhat respect in the Jedi Order. "Missed me?" I asked, just to see their reactions.

"Who would these motherfuckers be now?!" Did- did he just say that?! Instantly my favorite Jedi after Qui-Gon!

"Aw… Windu-boyo, you hurt me! Ten years ago you guys sent an errand boy to me. He was saying something about meeting the Jedi Council or facing repercussions. I think I sent him back beaten black and blue..." That made him remember who I am.

"Qui-Gon, they are with you?"

"Not exactly: I am with them, not the opposite. Not to break your thoughts, but could we concentrate on the army of droids firing on us?"

I raised my hand and took all of the laser bolts that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were holding. Then, I nodded at Ren and he took out his Tron disks. He launched them like Renly would his twin boomerangs. I think my friend took inspiration from the boy. The disks cut through most of the army with a fluttering sound. Oh, and the clanking of the dead droids. Most were decapitated and then cut in half. There were some that got too close for comfort, but Sun took care of those while trying out some modifications he did to his lightsaber-nunchucks. Jaune and I were just overlooking the situation. He wanted to face the battalions outside and so did I, to be honest. Dooku had the ugliest expression on his wrinkled mug. Who the fuck are we? What's with those weapons? Are we going to be a problem for his master's plan? All these thoughts were racing through his little mind.

I summoned Jango Fett in front of me and plunged my hand in his chest, bypassing the armor.

"Hello there, Mandalorian. You have committed a grave sin of taking aim on my friends. Die painfully." Yup, the bastard was aiming his pistols against Jaune. While he would of course not even flinch, I won't allow it. I ripped his heart out, then broke one of his ribs and used it to perforate one of his lungs. Now, it's either internal bleeding, blood-filled lungs, or oxygen deficiency that will kill him. I enjoyed seeing him glare at me while coughing out blood. I think I had a maniac smile since most Jedi shuddered.

As a 'trophy of war', I took his armor and his pistols. I could feel Boba's sadness and rage, but do I give a fuck about a clone? Nope, and I wouldn't care even if he was a normal kid. Well, there were no more droids and Yoda was about to arrive, so I guess that I can chat with the Jedi a little. I went towards Obi-Wan since he's a fun one to mess around with.

"Obi-Wan, I see that you have followed my advice. You did quite well, learning the Dark Side abilities-"

"About that… First of all, who the hell are you? Second, what's this I hear about you using the Dark Side?" interrupted Windu. Two things: first, did he always speak like that? second, don't kill him, don't kill him…

"I would be an ally, for now. And, you are quite weak if you can't even notice a Jedi Knight making full use of the Force." My hand was actually twitching. I think that my evolution made me a little more subject to rage and easier to rile up. Or maybe, it's just that I never liked being interrupted…

"The Gremlin is coming, so it is time for some interesting battles. Ah, Obi-Wan, Dooku has a curved hilt. He can break out of a blade lock faster than usual. Keep him at a distance and go for a killing blow." He nodded, though he was confused. Oh, how much I like obedient puppies! Oh, what? He shouldn't keep a distance from Dooku? Well, sure, if he was alone, I might have given him different advice, but he is with Anakin. Though the guy gets K.O.ed almost immediately, they are still two against one. If Obi-Wan keeps Dooku occupied and doesn't get slashed, they will win quite easily.

Me and da bois teleported to the battlefield, where I could see the clone army already setting up against the droids. I used some laws to make my voice reach every single clone and said: "Order 472." What's that? Oh, just a little code I implanted into the Kaminoans, and by consequence the clones, that transfers full authority to me for 24 hours, then they go back to normal. I still want them to 'execute Order 66', but they are fun to use as meat shields. The Clone commanders quickly came and saluted.

"Stay back. Only deal with blatant threats to the army. Follow the Jedis' orders when they arrive."

"Yessir!"

I turned to the gang. "Let's divide the battlefield. Let's go with… Jaune, you take the right center, Ren goes with right flank, Sun goes left flank, and I go left center."

They all nodded and disappeared to their own locations. Now then, time to get some exercise in. There are a few hundred thousand B1's, a few tens of thousands of B2's, the Droideka's are on Jaune's side, I have the Hailfire tanks, so those will be fun, a few thousand spider droids, and a couple of ships to eliminate. Seems easy enough.

I ignited my lightsaber and actually modified one of Jango's pistols to be a suitable weapon. I will bump it up to the same level as my saber back on 30th Haven. I made it work off of a miniaturized crystal, the same one as in my lightsaber. I largely kept the same design as I didn't want to bother with it at the moment. But I did change the material, so that I could keep shooting forever, if I desired to. It will shoot out yellow laser bolts, a similar color to Yang's hair. Damn, I am making my weaponry based on my wives…

Anyway, I dashed towards the droid army in the distance, arriving in front of them in a single step. Yes, I dashed for a single step, don't sweat the details. I started slashing and redirecting the laser bolts. I also fired a few shots towards the spiders, as they would be annoying.

"Slashy, slashy, slashy, SLASH!" I started half humming, half singing while getting rid of tens of droids with each wave of my saber. It was way too fun, so I created a holster for my new blaster and, well, used it? I then started using my two-handed hilt as it was supposed to be used. I even lowered my own power to just super-human level, so that I wouldn't literally die of boredom. I 'accessed' Earth Prime's 'database' for a sec and got a couple of sick remixes of my favorite songs to play while toying with the droid army.

Sick remixes always make a battle better, no doubt about that. I just kinda started weaving in and out of the droid formations and slashing them in half. At a certain point, I holstered my lightsaber and took out my 'Polemos Techne' in scythe form. It is much more fun to trash these clankers with a 'cold' weapon. The B2 battle droids were a little more annoying than the B1's since they wouldn't shoot each other, even if I used one as a meat shield. What a bummer… I resorted to twirling my scythe around to clear the area. Since it's been a while since I used Magic, I started raining down fireballs and lightning bolts. The surrounding area quickly became covered with molten metal and craters. Ah, I missed this feeling.

Oh, the Jedi arrived a while ago, but they couldn't find an opening to get involved with the fight. Well, there were, but they were just too stunned or stupid to exploit them. Not that I care, more fun for me. I could 'see' Yang, Nora, and Pyrrha pout that they couldn't come here to beat up these droids, but I would send them back immediately and they know it. Finally, the Hailfire tanks arrived, so I slashed at their wheels and had them collide with each other. Those were some nice fireworks, kinda makes me crave barbecue. The ships were also fun little fireworks. I just fired a few shots at the fuel tanks and they exploded magnificently.

I was getting a little bored, so I changed my scythe to 'Rhongomyniad' and charged up a few Noble Phantasms. Needless to say, the droid army didn't survive, much less the Separatist ships since I aimed at them. In the middle of the battle, MoonRay came out from my Inner World and flew towards the Lucrehulk-class command ships. She utterly destroyed them since she's completely invisible to radars and other scanners while also being almost impossible to spot with the naked eye due to her color. The sniper bullets went through the command ships' hulls like nothing, while her lightsaber just bisected anything in her path. How lovely.

Anyway, between 'Rhongomyniad' and a few other Noble Phantasms used by Sun, Ren, and Jaune, the droid army was quite easily defeated, of course. As if those tin cans could ever oppose us. I saw that Obi-Wan and Anakin went to fight Dooku, so I teleported behind them.

I saw how Dooku was faring quite well even when he was outnumbered. Obi-chan was using the Force quite effectively by making the Sith stumble or change the lightsaber's trajectory. He also threw in some Force Push and Pull for offense and defense. Anakin was just using 'swordsmanship' (lightsabers-manship?) to attack the openings created by Obi-Wan. Quite the duo those two.

Dooku was inching backwards, towards me. Do I mess with him? Do I kill him? Do I let him free? Hm… I decided! I made him stumble and fall back, then supported him.

"Careful there, old man, or might just get a hand through your chest, like this!" I said and plunged my hand through his spine. I had a few of his vertebrae in my hands, and a shit-ton of blood.

He started coughing up blood as his ribs punctured the lungs.

"Y-you! My… Master, *cough*, will make you pay!" he said with quite a lot of difficulty.

"Oh, who? Darth Sidious? I know the kid. He has a decent plan that will bring me a lot of amusement. Don't worry, he can't do anything without my tacit approval…" Dooky was staring at me with wide eyes, and I watched on as life left him. Obi-Wan and Anakin were… Shaken, to say the least. I mean, they did see me pull out Jango Fett's heart, but this was a foe they had a lot of difficulty against. Oh, maybe the fact that I just said I know of a Sith master plan might have something to do with it.

"So, you two… Everything good? How's life been treating you?" I asked, totally casual as if I didn't just kill someone brutally.

"Uh? Oh, yeah, everything good…" said Anakin, not fully 'awake' yet. "Wait, I remember about you! You are Padme's guard!"

I looked at Obi-Wan with a disappointed face. "Did you not teach him how to detect lies or at least a little bit of common sense?"

"I tried, but Anakin's head is as hard as Beskar. I haven't had a chance to thank you for that advice a decade ago. And, I believe you are the one that not only saved my master but also defeated the Sith on Naboo… Thank you." Oh, Force-Jesus is thanking me. What a good boy. I headpatted the grown man because he's still a child to me.

"Not a problem, child. But, you should get going back to the other Jedi. This is just the first battle of the Clone Wars, so they will need you. Oh, I will congratulate you now on your imminent promotion to Jedi Knight, Anakin, and your promotion to Jedi Master, Obi-Wan."

"Wait, we are getting promotions?!" asked Anakin.

"Yup, and get a move on with Padme. If you get married, I will give you a 'present' that you will like, very much."