Chapter 9

ASHAL

The first time it happened, I was twelve. My brothers and I were sent to a private school where the kids in our class treated us like garbage because they felt intimidated by us. They'd throw stuff at us in class when the teacher wasn't looking, call us names and sometimes make us trip and fall on our faces during lunch break.

Asher and Ashton fought back sometimes and got punished for it. Ashely was too small and too timid to retaliate. He was an easy target. I didn't refrain from doing anything because I was scared. I just thought if I failed to give them the satisfaction of pulling a reaction from me, they'd eventually stop. They didn't and when we went home with a cut lip or other bruises, father wasn't pleased.

One day, the bullies came for me and I snapped. I didn't think I was too angry. Ron was a big boy and thirteen at the time. He and his annoying pack of friends cornered me in the bathroom and hit me. The last thing I remember was their taunts as the rage bubbled inside me. I snapped and the world went black. I couldn't see anything for like fifteen seconds. When I blinked and came to, Ron was knocked out cold with a nosebleed. One of his lackeys was curled up by the sink, crying with fear-stricken eyes. He even wet himself when I tried to go close to him. The others had scampered away in fright, screaming for help at the top of their lungs. If my knuckle wasn't split open, bleeding and hurting, I wouldn't have believed the tales the survivors told the principal of the school. Mom and dad had been shocked. My brothers too. When we packed our things and left because mother wanted us to change schools, Ron stared fearfully at my brothers and I. Asher and Ashton enjoyed it. Ashely reveled in it while it lasted. I grew scared because I had no memory of the incident.

I've had quite a number of rage blackouts since then and woken up to the horrible reality of hurting people, especially the women I had been with at the time. The diagnosis was done after I killed a man. Father buried the crime, as well a few others that eventually followed. My family literally works overtime to hide my condition from the world.

Nine months ago, I had a one-night stand with a woman and almost killed her. After getting nursed back to health, she refused to be bought over and threatened to tell the world about my condition. Father stepped in and threatened the life of her loved ones. Mother promised to support her family financially in return for Olivia's agreement to sign an NDA. When Olivia was discovered pregnant two months later, our marriage was forcefully and secretly arranged. We lost the pregnancy eventually and things have been rocky between us.

Olivia hates me for ruining her life. Since our marriage, her every move is monitored. She has zero friends and mostly stays in my penthouse surrounded by bodyguards.

She is also constantly afraid of me. Once, when she tried to escape, I didn't take it well and I hurt her.

I know she has every right to hate me but I never stop trying to make amends. I love her and I will never stop trying to get better so we can rewrite our tragic love story. Today, I stopped by to check on her. She easily gets suffocated in the penthouse and loathes being followed around by guards. She texted me to come over and to get rid of the bodyguards for a few hours. I remember her sniffing the flowers I got her with stars in her eyes. She was making lunch and I volunteered to help her. Music floated in from the living room and Olivia danced barefoot in the kitchen. I don't recall any triggering comment or action on her part.

I just remember waking up on the living room sofa with a serrated knife in my bloody hands. My body quivers with shock at the sight of a blood trail leading up to the kitchen. When I follow it, Olivia is sprawled on the floor. Blood oozes from her wrist. That's when I text Asher. Asher says to text him first whenever I need help with Olivia.

While I cradle Olivia's head in my thighs and beg her to return to me, Asher's car roars into the driveway. He bursts through the door, yelling for me.

"In here!" I croak, choking back the tears. "Asher, I…I killed her. I did this." My brother crouches and checks Olivia's pulse. His face hardens. "I don't remember it. I s-swear, we were making lunch together and the next thing I knew, I was w-waking up on the sofa with a bloody knife." My nose runs with snort and I swipe at it. "I can't bear it. I can't lose her."

Asher shakes his head. "You won't lose her. Her pulse is weak but she's still alive. Come here, Ash. Why don't you go get cleaned up upstairs while I take a look at her."

"I'm a freak! A fucking monster!"

"Stop it, Ash! Don't say that"

"YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE." My heart breaks in tiny splinters as I cradle Olivia's head closer to my chest. Sobs quiver through my body. "Why am I not fated to be loved? Why do I end up hurting the people that put up with my demons?" Asher runs his hands over his face and huffs out an exasperated breath.

"Please Ashal, I need you to let me look at her. Go get cleaned up. Olivia will be fine but the longer we wait, the less certain that becomes."

"We have to call an ambulance or something."

"Upstairs, Ashal. Now!"

Asher's face is stern and dark like father's when his patience runs thin. Instantly, I snap out of it. "Upstairs." I reiterate with a shiver, carefully placing Olivia's head back on the floor. I feel really sad. Why am I such a monster to the woman I love? She doesn't deserve a flawed man like me. No woman does. She has put up with me for nearly a year now but my demons always get in the way of our relationship.

"D-Don't let her d-die, Ash."

"I won't."

I choose to trust my big brother and head upstairs. I get into the shower with my clothes on and sit under it while the blasting spray rinses off the blood stains, sweat and tears from my body. Olivia's pale face flashes in my memory. Hard as I try, I can't connect the dots of the time I lost. What happened? How did I get to the sofa? Did I really cut her? My eyes swerve to the bathtub. I turn off the shower and move like a zombie to the tub. After filling it up with water, I lay inside and submerge myself. I am tired. I am sick of hurting people who dare to love me. Today, it's Olivia. A year ago, it was father. He is still wary of me till date. I have also come perilously close to hurting my brothers but thankfully, they knocked me out cold before the mania could get the best of me.

And mom? I hope my depression kills me before I hurt a hair on her head. I stare at the bubbles floating to the top. My chest tightens for lack of oxygen but I make no move to go up for some air. I remain still in my watery grave. It's the least I can do for my family; giving them a break from all the pain they've had to endure because of me. I hope Olivia and my previous victims can find it in their hearts to forgive me for not taking my life sooner. Just as my vision ebbs and I give in to the gentle tug of death, strong hands grab my shoulders and yank me out of the tub.

"ASHAL! Come one buddy, stay with me."

The violent shake and face slaps make me come to as I pant for air. Those familiar hands slam my drenched face to their chest. "You're not dying on me. I won't allow it." Asher continues with a shaky voice. I blink my eyes open to stare up at his face. A thin smile plays on my lips as I note the panic in his eyes.

"Couldn't you have waited a minute longer? I was about to go over the edge."

Asher eases back and gives me a slap. "You think that's funny? DON'T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, EVER!"

My eyes redden. "Olivia?"

"She'll be fine. It wasn't a deep cut. I took care of it."

Asher pulls me back when I try to force myself up. "I-I need to see her."

"Ashal." It's the sadness in his voice and the fear in his eyes that stops me. Asher smothers me in a hug again and this time, I don't fight to break it. He is uncharacteristically emotional today. He even allows a tear to slide down his cheek. It's a first for Asher Rollins since we hit puberty.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I was selfish. I didn't think of mom or the quad. I…" Asher takes my face in his hands and touches his forehead to mine.

"YOU'RE NOT A FREAK. I NEED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT ASHAL. You're my sweet and kind brother. No one is perfect, not even father. Don't try to harm yourself, ever again. Can you swear on mom's life that you won't do this again."

"Asher…"

"Swear it!"

I inhale. "I swear." Asher hugs me tightly and we sniffle in sync. He dries the tears on my face.

"This never happened, both Olivia's accident, your suicide attempt and especially me crying."

I chuckle at the last part.

"Get dressed in some warm clothes so you don't catch a cold." He dismisses my protest with a finger in my face. "Olivia is sleeping now. She isn't running away or anything. I have called back the domestic staff and bodyguards. Get changed and then you can go see her."

That works for me. Asher lingers while I watch Olivia sleep for thirty minutes. His phone keeps ringing but he ignores most of them and sends texts instead. When I am satisfied that Olivia's breathing is normal and she will pull through as Asher promised, I quietly leave her room.

Asher and I have lunch together.

"Did you tell them?"

Asher impales his braised ribs and eats. "No secrets from the quads, remember? Rule number…"

"…three, I know. Got it." Yet, I hesitate, fiddling with my cutlery. "I was hoping to stall for a bit. I don't want their pity right now."

Asher drops his knife and fork with a clatter. "If you don't want it, then don't act like it. Don't hang your head low and feel guilty when everyone knows you have no control over these episodes. Don't cry or whine or blame fate. That's weak and a total waste of time."

"What would you have me do then?" I hate that my voice sounds like a pathetic whine.

"FIGHT IT, ASHAL. REFUSE TO BE ITS SLAVE. NEVER BELIEVE THOSE DARK THOUGHTS THAT TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF LOVE OR THAT YOUR FAMILY AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. THAT'S A LIE." His voice falters. "We will be shattered without you, Ashal. Mom won't survive it. I won't forgive you and I'll make sure Ashton and Ashely don't." Asher dumps his napkin on the dining table and lurches to his feet.

"I'll personally find you a better therapist. Forget about working on-site. I'll have your P.A make arrangements for you to work from home. You need anything else, you let me know."

"Asher." He pauses on his way to the door and whirls to me. I can't help but suspect there's more to this than he is letting on. "Are you okay, brother?"

"I'm fine. Finish your food and get some rest. Ashton will be here to pick you up later tonight. See you at dinner."

Watching him leave, something warm blooms in my heart. I don't know what the quads would do without Asher. None of us is nearly as focused as he is. He never lets his guard down or allows himself to feel emotions like love. He wasn't always like this growing up. I distinctly remember a younger Asher that wrote love letters to his crushes and cowered in fright when father's arm came down with a beating.

Asher grew stronger and fearless years earlier than the rest of us. He stopped crying when father hit him and learnt to hold father's gaze longer than the rest of us. He turned into our knight in shining armor and has been our leader ever since. Beyond being the first quad to be born, we believe he deserves to lead us because his leadership skills are unmatched.

I am grateful to him for keeping some of my ugliest secrets to himself and for being one of my biggest confidantes. I love him for having my back. Hence, I forgive him.

I forgive him for nearly beating Olivia to death after their one-night stand and pinning it on my blackout the very next day. I had seen him with Olivia that fateful night at the bar in one of father's hotels. Unknown, to him, I fancied Olivia but never worked up the courage to talk to her. Asher happened to also run into her and they hit it off immediately. He took her to his room and slept with her.

I remember him rejoining me at the bar, all sweaty and furious. Some of his buttons were missing from his shirt. He dismissed my questions while we had drinks. I must have passed out from the alcohol. When I came to, I was Asher's room and Olivia's bruised body was next to me on the bed. The blood and the booze set the whole stage. No one believed me and after a while, I started to doubt my own recollection of that night and believed I indeed had a blackout and hurt Olivia, as accused. Then, I overheard Asher talking to father on the phone and understood why he did that to me. Like father, Asher couldn't afford to have that scandal on his hands. Father would have reservations about letting a hothead succeed him as CEO of Rollins Group. He would look at Asher the way he looked at me; like a mental defect and Asher couldn't have that.

If only he had asked me, I would have gladly played the victim willingly. I was already in love with Olivia and I didn't mind coming into her life that way. I would have left no stone unturned to make it up to her and win her trust and love. I would have found a way around Asher's mess. I never believed I could get a woman to stay with me, especially after she had learnt of my condition.

I owe a lot to Asher. I would be behind bars if not for his protective efforts. I just feel hurt that he used me like that.

While Olivia sleeps, I head to my own room and shut the door. Inside my closet, I unlock a hidden door that leads to my surveillance room. I pull up the feed from the house cameras, especially the ones from the kitchen and living room before, during and after Asher's arrival. I had cameras set up in the house just so I can see what happens whenever I blackout.

My blood boils with anger as the truth unfolds before me. I watch the clips with a churning mix of anger and shock as Olivia craftily staged her alleged harm while I was out, applying fake blood on my shirt, slipping the knife in my hand too. However, my heart bleeds when I freeze and rewind a particular clip. It's a clip of Asher yelling at Olivia to quit playing dead right after I had left. She got up and rushed into his arms.

"It was the only way to get you here fast enough."

Asher shoved her away but her alluring smile remained fixated on him.

My heart aches now. I don't know which is more shocking; the fact that Olivia knows it was Asher and not me who attacked her that fateful night or the fact that she is clearly still in love with my brother? Have they been playing me this whole time?