2. Chapter 2

CARINA’S POV

-Carina, Carina! - Owen was running towards me. – There has been a residential explosion a few minutes ago, Bailey said your floor was quiet, I need an extra pair of hands, can you help me?

-Of course! - I blocked the screen of the tablet that was in my hands and followed his steps towards the elevator.

A whole month had passed since I had returned to Seattle after ten years living in Italy, but the welcome I received at Grey Sloan made this transition much smoother. The people were nice here, good co-workers, there was no competition between the doctors, no sabotage of OR schedules and Dr. Miranda Bailey's command kept things running smoothly.

Once we got to the ER part of the hospital, we went to a side wall and got disposable aprons and I put my hair up in a ponytail before putting on my gloves. Although I was passionate about OBGYN, there was a little part of me that loved getting back to the adrenaline rush of the emergency room.

-We have an injured resident, and a firefighter too. - The redhead spoke next to me, and we saw the first ambulance approaching. It was coming slowly, no sirens were on, there was no hurry, and that meant the same thing anywhere in the world.

The patient inside was dead.

But then the annoying sound of sirens was heard as another vehicle overtook the first one coming quickly towards us. As soon as it was parked, the rear doors opened.

-Jack Gibson, 34, was thrown against a wall at the moment of the explosion. There is thoracic instability, probably broken ribs, but he is... - The woman spoke rapidly, her eyes focused on the man lying on the stretcher, until her face turned in our direction as she climbed out of the ambulance with the patient and our eyes met for the first time.

Well, for the first time in ten years.

It was her, the woman from the ferry. The one who turned red every time I made a comment complimenting her beauty or cleverness, and who tried unsuccessfully to cover up her glances at my body. The woman who loved routine and running, and who had difficulty making friends, but who had opened up to me - in her own way - and who made my boring mornings so much more interesting so many years ago. The woman I had to leave behind, without saying goodbye, and who made my heart heavy all these years.

That was her.

There.

Right in front of me.

-He's what? - Owen asked when she interrupted her speech in mid-sentence, as distracted as I was when she finally recognized me.

I put the stethoscope to my ears and looked away, there was no time to talk or to lose myself in the good memories I had. I placed the stethoscope against the patient's chest and listened to his breathing, it was shallow and barely hearable on one side and when I placed my hands on his side I really felt that there was some damage to his ribs.

-He's stable. - She concluded.

-The right lung is collapsed, apparent multiple rib fracture on the same side, he probably has a pneumothorax, we have to go in now or he could crash right here! - I spoke quickly and started pushing the stretcher into the hospital, Owen right behind me as he asked another first responder who was also in the ambulance what medications the patient had been taken.

Inside one of the emergency rooms I was quick to grab a large gauge needle to puncture his second intercostal space to get the air out of his pleural space. The man kept an oxygen mask over his face and when the needle did its job he was able to take a deep breath, but unfortunately this had caused him great pain and we were surrounded by screams moments later.

-He needs morphine and a chest x-ray. - Owen spoke up behind me as I cut off the shirt he was wearing to inspect his abdomen.

-Jack, you're at Grey Sloan, we're going to take care of you. - I spoke to the man as our eyes met.

The cold gel was placed on his abdomen, and I quickly ran the ultrasound cursor over his abdomen searching for injuries on his internal organs.

-There is no free fluid in the abdominal cavity. - I said to Owen as a nurse applied medication to his IV to relieve some of the pain. - I need you to draw his blood and do a general trauma lab.

-Pupils are reactive and there is no indication of concussion. - Owen spoke from the other side as he examined Jack's eyes. - Jack, how old are you?

-Thirty… Thirty-four. - He spoke with some difficulty.

-And where are we?

-Seattle. - He grunted in pain once more.

-Let's keep the cervical collar on until we get a spinal and head CT, okay? But you're going to be fine. - Owen smiled briefly.

Together we walked past some people waiting outside the room, they looked apprehensively in our direction.

-We're going to take your friend for some tests. - Owen spoke up. - We'll be back soon with news, Captain.

We didn't wait for an answer, we just went to the elevator.

During the elevator ride I thought of only one thing.

Actually, about one person.

I couldn't get my mind off the days I spent in the city so many years ago and how I deeply regretted entering that game she created – the “it’s better if we know nothing about each other” game - because when I had to leave, I suffered without even really knowing who I was suffering for. There was no name to be whispered between tears, there was no phone number to be dialed, there was no name of her workplace for me to go after.

She was a ghost.

Even after all these years, remembering that woman made me feel a broad spectrum of emotions, and it was illogical for me to cling so intensely to those 14 days that we talked, without knowing any details about each other – not the real ones, at least – but that meant so much to me. I remember waking up and getting dressed so quickly during those 14 mornings that even my mother couldn’t contain her comments about the strangeness of my behavior - I was never a morning person, but the morning had become the best part of my day for 14 days, ten years ago - but I didn’t pay attention to her words because soon enough I was running out of the house eager to get to the Ferry and see my nameless friend – okay, my nameless crush.

-Station 19 is not far from here, when its firefighters are injured, they always come here. - Owen spoke as we waited for the CT scans.

-I don't remember seeing any firefighter around here in the last month. - I confessed. - But I don't think there are many pregnant firefighters around either.

-Last month was a good month for them, there were no accidents. They only came here in the aid car, bringing victims. - He explained and I nodded.

I wanted to ask more, I wanted to know who in fact was that blonde that still made me sigh, but I wasn't going to cheat. I would have to wait and ask her later when I really confronted her.

-Well, it looks like he can remove the cervical collar and I'm not seeing any evidence of bleeding or concussion. - I said as soon as I analyzed the images.

-Since we're already here, we'd better switch from a chest X-ray to a chest CT. - Owen spoke next to me and reprogrammed the machine. - This way we will know if there was any perforation through the ribs that missed the ultrasound.

We waited a few more minutes until the images were ready and - luckily - he hadn’t perforated anything and the fracture in his ribs would not require surgery to repair. Owen asked me to go update his co-workers while he settled him in the room and started a prescription for medication.

Well, that was the moment. I would update people and then I would pull the blonde to the side, give her a smile that showed all my happiness at seeing her again and I’d finally ask her name.

Before I could even say anything, one of the firefighters stood up as soon as he saw me, it was a tall, strong black man who was visibly worried. At the sight of him standing up, all four of the other firefighters also turned in my direction.

-How is he? - The young man was quick to ask.

-He is stable. There was no cervical or neurological compromise. He fractured three ribs, but will not need surgery, just plenty of rest and the pneumothorax was fixed while he was still in the emergency room. He will be fine. - I smiled at the young man who was clearly relieved at the news.

My eyes went to the blonde next to him, she was looking at me – no, staring at me – and as soon as I managed to look directly at her, a smile started to appear on my face.

-I didn't understand half of what she said, can you find me a doctor who speaks proper English here? - She spoke without a hint of emotion in her voice, her jaw barely moving as she hissed the words through her teeth and received a shocked look from the two women who were also with the group. My smile died before it even fully appeared on my face, and I realized that 10 years is quite a long time; this was not the woman who had charmed me.

She was a stranger.

-Maya! - A black woman immediately scolded her.

-It's no problem. I'm used to receiving xenophobic comments like that. - I replied, trying with all my might to suppress any kind of emotion, although my throat was starting to burn in a familiar way indicating that if I didn't concentrate, I would start crying at any moment. - She wants a person who speaks her language in a more fluent way, just as I would also want a normal-sized firefighter, not a miniature one.

My comment caused both women to let out an "uh" and laugh while the woman in front of me turned red with anger.

-I may lose my accent with time, but I'm pretty sure you won't grow up. Are you even tall enough to be a firefighter? - I finished my comment and smiled sympathetically at the two women who continued to laugh. - Dr. Hunt will call you guys to his room once he’s settled, I'm sure he will be able to translate what I just said, Maya.

I turned my back, not waiting for an answer, and walked away from the group.

I can't remember the last time such disappointment took over my heart. All the expectation - and fantasy - that I had created by imagining a possible reunion was completely in vain because now I knew that I would never be able to meet her again.

The woman I knew years ago would never have been capable of making such a mean and prejudiced comment as that, she was the person who complimented me on being able to speak two languages and help me understand a little more of her language whenever I was confused. She was the woman with whom I had felt comfortable talking and who had created a safe space for my mistakes; and as an adult it seemed only childish of me to get upset about something so small and that had happened to me several times since I had moved back to Seattle - people here tended not to accept immigrants very well, and I knew that when I moved back - but her words had carried much more weight because it made me realize that the woman who had given me so much in such a short time ten years ago didn’t exist anymore.

She was gone.

I had lost her before I even truly had her.

With one sentence she had killed the person who made me sigh and smile even through the tears of an illogical longing that accompanied me for years and now the unpredictable grief took over my chest and made tears well up in my eyes.

-Carina! You don't know what they let me do in surgery today! - I heard my baby brother's voice behind me and turned around quickly. - Hey, did something happen? Did you lose a patient?

-No, nothing happened. - I swallowed hard.

-Carina, you look like you're going to cry any second now. - He insisted.

-It's nothing, hard day that’s all... I'm still getting used to the routine, it can be quite exhausting. - My standard lies usually didn't fool him much, he would’ve insisted if he wasn't so excited about what happened to him in surgery today and I would use that to my advantage. - What did they let you do in surgery today?

-I sutured the abdominal aorta with Dr. Grey! - He spoke excitedly and then the words quickly flowed out of his mouth, talking about how well he sutured and how much he had loved doing it. He really idolized Meredith Grey, but if that was what would make him keep trying so hard to be an excellent surgeon, so be it.

-I'm so proud of you! - I said, smiling at him.

-Hey, and one more thing! Today we are going to Joe's! - He said, smiling back.

-We, like you and me? - I asked back, creasing my forehead.

-Yes!

-Andrea, I don't know! I'm tired, and having a hard day, I think I'd rather stay home tonight. - I quickly said back, because after that disappointing reunion, all I wanted was the comfort of my bed and a glass of wine - okay, maybe a bottle of wine.

-I'm not taking no for an answer! - He shrugged and started walking away from me. - Joe's, 8:00pm! Be there!

Maybe it would be good for me to have a few drinks tonight and get out of my head the image of those blue eyes and pink lips that once made me daydream and now only made me sick.

It was 8:23 PM when I signed my last chart and went back to my office to change clothes; there were already two messages on my phone from Andrea asking where I was and as soon as I confirmed that I was going to the bar a shower of party emojis appeared on my screen as a reply.

-Carina! - Andrea shouted, waving his hands above his head, as I passed through the glass door.

-Ciao! - I spoke back, approaching the table where he was standing.

There were a few residents who smiled amiably at me, but soon my eyes went to the two women sitting at the far end of the table. I recognized them from earlier.

-People, this is my sister, Carina! She moved here a month ago and it goes without saying that she is the prettiest DeLuca in the family. - He said as soon as I approached and got a few laughs back as a playful slapped his arm. - What are you drinking?

-White wine is fine. - I replied, placing my purse on the table before sitting down in the chair he had previously occupied.

-I'll be right back. - He spoke back.

-Carina, isn't it? - One of the older women spoke up. - Amelia Shepherd, head of neuro.

-I’ve seen you in the hallways, hi! - I held out my hand and she took it quickly.

People introduced themselves and I certainly wouldn't record the names of all seven people quickly, but I was attentive when the two women - the firefighters - spoke their names. Andy and Victoria. They had just finished asking me about what I thought of the city when they were interrupted.

-Okay, next time someone will definitely have to go with me! I can't bring all these drinks without spilling half of them on the way!

-I thought you had better handy skills, Maya. - Andy answered, laughing.

I just closed my eyes for a few seconds before turning my face to confirm my worst nightmare. There she was, smiling, placing drinks on the table in front of her co-workers, not noticing me - I know this because when she finally looked forward and saw me, her smile disappeared, and her gaze became distant and more impersonal.

-But so, what do you think of the city? - Amelia asked again, remembering the question Maya had interrupted a few moments ago.

- I spent a few weeks here ten years ago during a college exchange. The city remains as cold and damp as I remembered. - I joked, trying to ignore Maya's gaze on me, she wasn't necessarily being discreet, but I was determined to ignore her all night because I wouldn't give her the pleasure of seeing me leave because of her. Even if that was all I wanted to do at that moment. - And for someone who definitely likes to feel wet, that's pretty disappointing, I know.

-Wow! - Amelia laughed out loud. - This became sexual very quickly.

Most of the people at the table joined Amelia in laughing – of course the blonde who was staring at me had not given in to my comment – and soon Andrea returned with my wine.

-Oh, Maya! Have you met my sister? - He spoke, and it was at that very moment that I contemplated fratricide.

When I turned to the blonde again, she raised her eyebrows.

-Andrea. - The word escaped her mouth as if she had finally managed to put pieces of a puzzle together.

-Oh, Carina! I told you to keep this to yourself! - He immediately complained.

-I... - I was partially shaken by the realization that she still remembered the things we had talked about so many years ago, and not knowing how I could explain how we had met before made the words disappear from my mind.

-Andrea? - Amelia asked, furrowing her brow.

-It's my given name in Italy, but when I moved here people found it easier to call me Andrew, and that's how I like to be called now. - His last words were directed at me with a roll of his eyes.

-I like Andrea. - Andy spoke up.

-That's literally your name. - My brother spoke back.

-Exactly, that's a good name! - She said and then raised her glass. - To the most beautiful Andreas in Seattle!

-Salut! - My brother finally cheered up and we all raised our glasses in a toast.

Just like me, Maya was determined to ignore me, her back had been turned in my direction all night as she talked to her friends, and I couldn't help but let my eyes drift over her muscular silhouette. Her strong shoulders, her defined biceps, the curve of her back...

Stop it, Carina!

Amelia became a good companion for the evening, asking me to dance with her - with uncoordinated dance moves, without caring what people think - and chatting so much that any fear I had of an embarrassing situation due to lack of a subject was no longer there.

-Okay, don't look now, but Firefighter Barbie is staring at you! - Amelia spoke up as we danced among some other people.

-Who?

-Maya! - She said quickly, the words coming out through her clenched teeth as she tried to keep a smile on her face trying to be discreet. - I think she's into you!

I didn't want to look; I wouldn't waste my time with that disastrous interaction.

-She's not my type. - It was one of the biggest lies I had ever told, because she was just my type.

I loved blond, blue-eyed women, and even her height - which I had criticized earlier in an impulse attempt to defend myself and make her equally embarrassed - was ideal for me. But any attraction I might feel for Maya would have to be put aside because I would never allow myself to approach someone so full of prejudice.

-Well, that's a first. - She said with a sigh. - Maya is the type of most of the women here and every Wednesday she goes home in great company.

-Good for her. - I said back, as dryly as possible.

I definitely wanted to not care about this information, but what really crossed my mind was: Carina, make sure you don't come to Joe's on Wednesdays.

After two more glasses of wine - feeling slightly drunk - I was more than ready to go home and sleep late tomorrow, taking full advantage of my day off.

-It was a pleasure to meet all of you! - I said to the rest of the people at our table in a farewell, earning nods and lots of "you too" in return. - See you tomorrow, Andrea!

-Carina. - He complained.

-I've spent your whole life calling you this, I'm not going to stop now. - I shrugged and he realized that it was no use insisting. - I just called an uber.

-Let me know when you get home.

-You too. - I kissed his cheek quickly before hugging Amelia.

-See you at the hospital. - She said.

-You can count on it. - I said back and really wanted this beginning of friendship to develop further.

I grabbed my purse and took one last look at my cell phone to check the license plate before heading towards the exit, the driver was five minutes away.

-Carina! - I froze on the last step of the stairs but didn't turn around. The blonde passed me and stood in front of me, staring intensely.

-What do you want? - I asked back.

I swallowed hard as I noticed how her cheeks were flushed from running to catch up with me. She was even more beautiful when she was blushing, I had always thought so and whenever I imagined her - which happened more often than I would like to admit - I had always imagined her this way.

-I wanted... - She started to speak, and I just waited. - I wanted to apologize for my stupid comment earlier. I wasn't thinking straight, I confess I was taken by surprise when I saw you, and didn't know how to react…

-No. - I just said and walked past her, leaving her behind as I walked to the curb in front of the bar’s entrance and looked around for my Uber, but it wasn't there yet.

-No? - She asked behind me, as she was confused.

-Are you deaf? - I asked back without turning to look at her face. - I don't accept your apologies.

-Why?

-Why? - Her question did stir my temper; I just couldn't believe she was having the nerve to ask me that. I turned in her direction, her hands were stuffed in the pockets of the jacket she was wearing, her face was flushed - now from the cold - and I hated that she looked this good.

Focus, Carina!

-Because I don't think hate speech should be excused and forgotten with a few words. - I spoke harshly. - You are such a disappointment, Maya. The biggest disappointment.

I heard a horn honk and turned quickly in the direction of the sound, checked the license plate, and walked to the vehicle without looking back and without waiting for any answer she could give me.

I honestly didn't know what Maya's motivation was for coming after me and trying to apologize, but I was honest in my words. I wasn't easy at accepting the apologies from people who hurt others on purpose, and that was what she had done to me.

If she wanted to make up for her mistake, she would have to make an effort.