3. Chapter 3

MAYA'S POV

She was back.

After ten years.

And I had messed it all up.

When I saw her on the other side of the ambulance doors that day, I thought my heart would stop beating - and until now I am not 100% sure that it didn't - because it was simply unthinkable that I would cross that woman's path that day.

Not that woman.

Carina.

Her name was Carina – beautiful, just like her.

The lines on her face were more pronounced, her eyebrows were in a different shape, but I guess time only served to make her even more beautiful, and I really didn't think that was possible. Interestingly enough, whenever I thought of her over the years, I couldn't imagine her face any other way and part of me was glad for that because nothing I could imagine would ever live up to Carina DeLuca's true beauty nowadays.

She opened her mouth, and her accent was even more heavily laden than I remembered - definitely sexier, making me tingle involuntarily - and I was glad that she was too busy taking care of Jack to notice my amazed look at her. Seeing her in action there filled me with a pride I was not prepared to receive. I knew 10 years ago that she would be an excellent doctor but seeing her be an excellent doctor right in front of my eyes was so much better.

She spoke with propriety, she was sure of what she was saying, people listened to what she was saying, and all I could do was stare at her.

When she disappeared into the elevator, taking Jack for tests, I could finally think rationally - before that, all my thoughts were clouded by the surprise I had had - and it was then that I realized that besides regretting having seen her one last time without knowing it was the last time, that had only happened because of her.

She was the one who didn't show up the next day and none of the others that followed - no explanations, no goodbyes - and I kept showing up at the ferry for weeks and weeks, months after months, in the secret hope that one day I would simply see her sitting at one of the tables with a coffee in her hands.

But it never happened.

As she had appeared, she was gone.

Without any announcement.

We had an unspoken agreement not to become part of each other's real lives, but I have never regretted so much that I made that choice. I never regretted so much that, at that time, I didn’t try to do things differently and that I didn’t tell her how enchanted I was with her and how much I wanted to take her to dinner, to know her name, to hear more about Italy, to understand more about her family and the choices that made her that incredible woman.

I had missed all this by not wanting to - or knowing how to - build relationships in a normal way.

At that time this unknown, beautiful, elegant woman had been my escape valve to finally be able to share some of my fears and insecurities. She was the only person who would listen and smile at my words, let me talk without interrupting me - even though she was much more talkative than I was, and part of me knew that keeping herself quiet was a challenge for her - and was always interested in anything I said.

It was because of her that I made my first friends in my first station, and it was remembering her - even though I was surrounded by disappointment and sadness when remembering her face - that I kept striving to become a better, more sociable person who actually had friends and tried to share more of my life with them.

-Captain Bishop? - Travis called out over the communicator inside the truck.

-Yes, Travis? - I asked back.

-I asked, do we already know how many units have been mobilized?

-Oh, I got distracted. - I looked at the tablet and slid my finger from top to bottom to refresh the page. - It's a big fire, 4 alarms. Stations 23 and 25 are already there.

-Oh man, it's going to be a tough shift. - He groaned into the microphone, and I agreed in thought.

It was going to be a tough shift indeed.

When we arrived on the scene, I delegated their duties and went directly to the Battalion Chief to get more information about the progression of the fire.

-The structure is still standing, but if the fire continues to spread at this rate, it will soon be unsafe to go in and look for survivors. - He explained. - The emergency exits to the south have been compromised, but some people have managed to get out. There is already a list of names being shouted out by our people inside, but I think I will need another station soon.

-The ladder truck has already been positioned, sir. - I said, when I noticed that Dean was finishing maneuvering the vehicle and Vic was already climbing the stairs. - Where do you want more hoses.

-On the fourth floor, that's where the fire started. A short-circuit in the wiring and there has already been an explosion due to the cooking gas. - He answered and I nodded.

As soon as I got back to my team, I saw Andy and Travis hooking up hoses while Sullivan was already handling one.

-Fourth floor is our focus, 19! - I spoke up, getting nods in response. - Dean, I need you to go help with the rescue of the people who are still inside. The list is with Captain Bennet.

I watched the teams move, inspected the evolution of the fire, I was always close to the Chief to know what else was needed, and with that the hours passed.

I had to enter the building after a few hours when they reached a floor where many people had tried to take shelter and although it was the action and the adrenaline that had attracted me to that job, there was a part of me that was tense to go inside the burning building because I knew that the structure had suffered serious damage. I was quick in my steps, I hurried up the stairs, the children were our priority and once they were out of the building, I rushed back to help my colleagues.

There was a pregnant woman who was breathing hard, gasping for air as we left the building. There was only one more flight of stairs, she needed the oxygen mask more than I did and I didn't hesitate to remove it from my face and place it over the face of the woman who was being carried by Miller and me.

-Captain! - He scolded me immediately.

-We're almost out! - I spoke hurriedly, and then began to cough.

The effects of the smoke were fast, but I kept focused on the work. I had to get the woman out of there safely.

When we were outside, we placed the woman on one of the stretchers and I allowed myself to cough hard a few times trying to expel the soot that was making my throat burn. The smell of smoke was part of our daily routine, but it was still uncomfortable and I kept alternating between coughing and sneezing.

-Captain Bishop! - Chief McCallister called me as soon as he saw me coughing.

-Yes... - I coughed. - Yes, sir?

-19 can return to your station, we're going to make the switch now. You guys are exhausted. - He spoke and I hoped he hadn't noticed my departure from protocol a few moments ago.

-Yes, sir. - I said, trying to control myself from coughing.

He didn't stay there much longer; he was coordinating the exchange of teams.

-Maya, come on! - Andy called me from the back of the ambulance in which we had put the pregnant woman. - To Grey Sloan.

-Right! - Sullivan answered from the front.

-You know that the Chief noticing you breaking protocol would have cost you a warning. - Andy practically shoved the oxygen mask over my face.

-How is she? - I asked, looking at the writhing woman on the gurney, choosing to ignore her comment even though I knew she was right.

-She needs an obstetrician. - She answered. - She is 35 weeks pregnant; we already have an OBGYN waiting for us at the hospital.

I tried to inhale deeply to get rid of the symptoms of smoke inhalation, but the coughing persisted.

-We're here! - Sullivan shouted as he parked the car.

The doors opened.

-Eve Johnson, 23, 35 weeks pregnant was trapped inside a fire scene for over two hours. - Andy was quick to speak as she pushed the stretcher out, I took the oxygen mask off my face to help and as I jumped out of the ambulance I saw Carina quickly listening to the woman’s lungs.

-We had to carry her out of the building, she was in a lot of pain. - I said, not taking my eyes off the doctor in front of me. - She was having trouble breathing and I gave her my oxygen mask as we went down, but she inhaled a lot of smoke in the process.

-Did her water break? - She asked, pulling back the sheet to examine the woman's legs.

-I don't think so. - Eve finally spoke up. - I don't... I don't think so.

-I'm not sure, I didn't have time to examine her carefully. - Andy answered.

-Come on, I need to get to a room. - Carina said, and Andy and I began to push the gurney forward while she put her hands back on the patient’s belly, moving the baby around or something like that. - Eve, were you doing prenatal care?

-Yes. - She answered and then groaned in pain.

-From 0 to 10, how bad is the pain now? - Carina asked as we entered one of the emergency rooms.

-6. - She answered.

-Okay, that's good. - She replied. - I need you to keep the oxygen mask over your face, okay?

And then she turned to the two of us.

-You can go. - She said dryly.

-Okay, good luck Eve. - Andy spoke and turned quickly, but I kept looking at Carina for a second longer.

-I'll... I'll wait for news... In the waiting room. - I spoke before I could really process my words. I wasn't doing this for the patient, I was doing this for the chance to talk to Carina again, but she didn't need to know that.

 I left the room before she could give me an answer and went after Andy.

-The B-shift personnel should be at the station by now. I expect the reports on my desk on Monday. - I said.

-Won't you come back with us? - She asked, creasing her forehead.

- I want to know if Eve is going to be okay. - I said back.

-Eve, uh? - She rolled her eyes. - You should apologize.

-Well, I tried to do that, and she said "no." - I shrugged.

-I really didn't understand your comment that day, you never have that kind of attitude. - Andy walked beside me toward the doors that led back to the station’s aid car.

-I was having a rough day. - I lied.

-She really made an impression on you, didn't she? - She laughed beside me. - For you to be trying to correct that, chase after her, after only seeing her once in your life.

-It’s the right thing to do. - It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't my only motivation there. I coughed a few times.

-Maya and Carina, sitting in a tree… - Andy began.

-If you finish that sentence, you will be on bathroom duty for two weeks. - I immediately threatened, feeling my cheeks heat up at the teasing.

-Okay, okay! - She held up her hands in defense.

I watched as the ambulance moved through the parking lot and soon disappeared as it left the hospital.

Andy knew about Carina, she just hadn't connected the dots yet. After she just disappeared, without saying goodbye, without giving me an explanation, when she just decided she was too bored to keep doing whatever it was we were doing 10 years ago, Andy was the only person I shared my feelings with and that's what made us become friends - real friends - but I didn't know how to tell her that the woman I swore I was falling in love with so many years ago was actually back, was Andrew's sister, that I resented her too much when I saw her – freaking out in the process – and that's why I acted like such an idiot.

I kept feeling this flood of feelings and I have never been the best person to deal with feelings, all of this just left me confused and not knowing what to do. At the same time that I still felt bad for being abandoned, for being scorned so easily, I just couldn't get to sleep easily anymore because Carina's image kept popping into my thoughts, making my heart flutter and my stomach turn in my stomach due to my nervousness, making me physically sick at the thought of confronting her or talking to her again.

I went to the waiting room and well, I waited.

After many minutes I thought that she simply wouldn't come - after all, I wasn't related to the victim, I didn't even know if her relatives had been notified, no family had arrived, no one had asked for her at the main reception near where I was - and just as I was losing hope, I heard the elevator open.

Carina walked up to me, I looked at the clock and three hours had passed.

-She's going to be fine, I had to do an emergency C-section. The baby is fine too - She said, crossing her fingers in front of her body.

-Thank you for coming to let me know. - Thank you for coming back, that's what I wanted to say.

-You're welcome. - She answered quickly, and I coughed hard.

For the last three hours I had been the inconvenient person who kept coughing in the waiting room but telling one of the nurses what had happened would only get me stuck in the hospital for hours, at the risk of Carina coming back, not find me in the waiting room and think I was gone and losing my chance to see her again.

-Are you okay? - She asked, one hand outstretched toward me, but she didn't touch me.

-Smoke inhalation. - I shrugged when the coughing stopped.

-You took off your mask to give it to her. - She commented, now remembering the information I had given her earlier. - You should be on oxygen therapy.

-I know, but I didn't want to have to admit myself. - I rubbed the back of one hand against my nose.

-Come on. - She rolled her eyes at me and started walking.

I followed her because I had no other option.

Carina opened one of the curtains on one of the emergency beds and pointed for me to sit on the bed, went to the side of the bed and grabbed an oxygen mask and slipped the elastic behind my head before placing the silicone mask on my face.

-Thank you. - I spoke, my breath causing the air inside the mask to condense, my voice came out a little muffled.

-Don't talk. - She said back.

She leaned back on the bed, her arms crossed over her chest, making her perfectly round breasts, which were certainly and definitely delicious, press against the pink scrub she was wearing.

Stop staring at her breasts, Maya!

I turned my face away so abruptly that my gesture caught her attention, and she turned her face to me.

-Is something wrong? - She asked, and I shook my head.

We continued in silence, not looking at each other, but it was nice to have her there.

Did this mean that she cared about me a little?

Well, she is a doctor. Maybe she was just doing her job. But I wanted to believe that she was taking care of me.

-Carina... - I started to speak, I had to try to apologize one more time.

-I told you not to talk. - She said back, interrupting me. - Or did my accent not allow you to understand what I said?

Her words affected me, it pained me to know that she was still so upset by what I so recklessly said, and I just didn't know how to turn this situation around because apologizing was all I could think to do.

Well, there was one other thing, but it was a long shot.

She didn't show an ounce of emotion, she had distanced herself and it was my fault. I had hurt her feelings before I even had the privilege of seeing her smile again.

After a few more minutes - minutes that she kept herself quiet by my side, occasionally glancing at her cell phone and texting - she said that I was free to go home.

-Thank you. - I repeated, and she just shrugged. - I'll be there tomorrow morning. Same time.

That was the last thing I said before I turned and headed for the exit. It was time to take that long shot.

…

The strong breeze from outside the Ferry made my hair fly freely behind me, the day was cold but sunny, the water glistened a beautiful blue and it was nice to be out here after such a hard day. I was still tired; I had arrived home in the middle of the night and had woken up early to catch the Ferry at the usual time.

Even after the disappointment of not meeting Carina after those 14 days of sharing some of our stories, I kept coming back the same time, claiming that I did it for me, but in truth, a part of my heart never stopped hoping that one day I would meet her here again.

Now I was out here, waiting for her, but she didn't show up. She was not in the place where I first saw her, leaning over the parapet while looking at the sea below us.

I got on the inside part of the Ferry with my head down, trying to convince myself that I deserved the deception of not having her here.

I had thrown the first punch; she was only defending herself.

-Won't you buy me a cup of coffee? - The voice, the accent, made me look upward quickly. Carina was standing there with her arms crossed.

-You... You came. - I whispered, more to myself than to her. - I looked for you.

-I was deciding whether or not to talk to you. - She answered.

-Were you hiding from me? - I asked back, smiling, trying to lighten the mood.

-Sí. - She simply said.

-Right, the coffee.... - I pointed with my chin to the coffee stand and we walked side by side to it.

I took her order as I remembered it, and when I turned toward her, she just nodded. I ordered my usual drink and handed the double espresso to her once it was ready.

-Carina, I'm sorry for what I said to you. - I had already told her that, but there was no other way to start this conversation. - I honestly don't condone any kind of degrading or prejudiced attitude and I know you hate when people limit you to stereotypes, at least that's what you told me years ago, and I… I messed up.

-Why were you so mean? - She asked back, without looking me in the eye.

-I was... I was hurt. - There was no point in calling her over here and not being honest with her. - When I saw you, as soon as I got out of the ambulance, I didn't know what to do, but while you were taking care of Jack, I remembered how sad and upset I was when you didn't show up anymore, just disappeared as if I didn't... Well, I know I wasn't important to you, but I never imagined that you would just stop coming here, without saying goodbye.

I wanted to use words like " suffering", "heartbreak", "tears", "sleepless nights", but I knew it would only bring an intensity that I didn't know if it was reciprocated. It was such a short time that we had spent together, and at the same time it had meant so much to me, it had impacted my life so deeply, but to put myself in a vulnerable place like this was not easy for me. I wasn't ready for that.

-Maya... - She finally looked up at me, she opened her mouth a few times, but no words were spoken. She sipped her coffee and let out a heavy sigh. - I had to rush back to Italy. I didn't have your phone number, I didn't know your name, I had no way to warn you. If I had the means, I would have never simply disappeared.

I looked down to avoid her gaze.

This had been one of the many possibilities that had crossed my mind when she stopped showing up at the Ferry, one of the possibilities I so deeply wanted to believe instead of indulging the little voice in my head saying that she had just gotten sick of me and was a cruel, vicious, person. Knowing that she didn't choose to stop seeing me gave me some comfort.

-I kept coming. - I spoke softly. - Every day.

This particular confession made my eyes water with memories of the disappointment-filled days I spent getting on the boat and searching every floor for her without finding her beautiful face.

-I'm sorry. - She whispered back, but I didn't have the courage to look at her because just the sincerity in her voice was enough to make my heart clench in my chest.

A lone tear escaped from my eye, but I quickly ran my fingers down my cheek to wipe it away.

-You helped me a lot back then. - I continued, wanting to change the subject. - I never got to tell you this, I never got to thank you for this, and I wish you had understood the impact you had on my life. I think that's why I was so sad when I couldn't see you anymore.

-I know, I felt the same way. - She spoke quickly. – I wish I had said goodbye. In fact, I wish nothing had happened to force me to return to Italy ahead of time. I wish I had suffered through the days and said farewell to you little by little, enjoying each day, keeping each conversation in my memory. I wish I had been braver too. Brave enough to admit to myself that what I really wanted at that time was to never have to leave.

-You know, I was going to ask your name the next day. - I finally lifted my face to look at her after hearing her sweet words. - That day, when you got off the boat, I decided that I would ask your name in the next day.

-At least now you know. - She smiled sideways.

-It’s a nice name. - I said back. - It suits you.

-I always thought you'd have a very American name. - She said and laughed softly. - Like Rachel or Jane.

-Maya was a disappointment? - I asked, now laughing too.

-No, it was a pleasant surprise. - She answered, smiling. - It suits you too.

-Thank you. - My cheeks did me no favors by turning red at the compliment. – I truly am sorry. I hope you believe me when I say that I didn't mean what I said when we met again... I just...

-You wanted me to be as hurt as you were hurt. - She shrugged but there was a lot of sadness in her eyes and after seeing her smile, it almost physically hurt to see such opposite feeling on her beautiful face. - I was hurt when I left too, Maya. But when I saw you at that ambulance… Wow. I... I thought life was finally giving me a second chance, you were there, just like I remembered. No, not as I remembered, you were so…

She stopped herself.

-So? - I asked, and she just shook her head, unwilling to continue.

-The thing is, I was disappointed when I heard you say those things, it was as if you had tainted every good memory I had of you, as if you had killed the woman I remembered you to be. - She said, and I felt my throat burn with the urge to cry.

-I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think that you can't trust my sincerity, or the honesty of my words, and I understand what you said. Attitudes speak louder than empty words, but please give me the opportunity to show you with my actions that I am not that person. That I haven't tainted the good memories you have of me. - That was all I could say and hope for. - Can we start over? I really want to be your friend.

She looked into my eyes and her expression was indecipherable, but after a few seconds she shyly smiled at me.

-Dr. Carina DeLuca. - She held out her hand on the table.

-Captain Maya Bishop. - I held her hand firmly and shook it, returning the smile.

There was hope.

This was our new beginning.