New Feelings

Walking into school the atmosphere is festive, and everyone is paired off for the winter break, or cuffing season as it seems. Kids are kissing in the halls both in high school and at college. Snow has started to sprinkle itself on the ground here and there but luckily no snow days.

"Hey, Soph! want a bite of my sandwich?" Mari asks shoving her sandwich under my nose which causes my stomach to roll. Shaking my head furiously I back away a few feet before pivoting and making a beeline for the nearest bathroom. Her early morning egg and sausage sandwich has caused my already early morning nausea to amplify into full-blown sickness. Just barely making it into the stall in time I throw up the contents of my already empty stomach into the waiting toilet. Wiping my mouth, I can feel tears silently rolling down my cheeks, fiercely swiping them away as well. I stand up walk over to the porcelain sinks to wash my hands, and face, and rinse out my mouth. Hunched over the bowl I stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes are slightly reddened and puffy along with my lips which I aggressively wiped. My face is pale with a tint of green under my normally tan complexion. Patting my face dry with the paper towels lying by the sinks I think well this is as good as it's going to get. Leaving the bathroom, I make my way down to my first class of the day. Ms. Walker greets me at the door, eyeing me, as I hurry in still wiping my mouth from the water dripping off my chin that managed to escape my pat down.

"Sophie" she tugs at my elbow trying to bring me back out into the hallway.

"Yes, Ms. Walker?" I ponder confused as to what I could have done now to have garnered her attention. Besides being nearly late for class, lately, I had been the model student, not missing class, doing all my class work, paying attention in class, and even doing extra credit assignments she had handed out.

"Are you okay? You seem a little green around the gills today." The sincerity of her comment did not put me off of the fact that she has picked up on the illness I seem to be suffering from. One that seems to be getting worse daily. Up until today, it had only been nausea that plagued me around certain smells. Now it seems that those smells can very well send me running to a toilet.

"I just had an off-putting breakfast. I should be okay." I try to placate her not wanting any unnecessary attention.

"Why don't you go see the nurse first then come back to class." She pats my arm before writing me a note on her notepad and handing it to me. I try to protest but the stern look in her eyes tells me I shouldn't bother.

Walking down to the nurse's office I am half tempted to wait in the corridor until an appropriate amount of time has passed then just return to class without making a fuss. Instead, I do as I am told and enter the nurse's office to let her know a modified version of what happened today.

"Hello?" I call out looking around, at what appears to be, an empty office.

"Hello" Calls back a female voice from behind a screen. Peeking her head through is a beautiful woman with long flowing hair. Her chubby maternal face both lights up and becomes sad when she sees me. "What can I do for you miss." Her voice is soft and lulling yet stern and commanding.

"Ms. Walker sent me. I kind of got sick this morning." I sheepishly say trying not to play at anything.

"Oh no! Well come sit down and tell me what exactly happened." She pats at a cot with the crinkly doctor's paper neatly spread over it. I make my way down to it throwing off my shoes in the process before hopping on top.

"Well, I woke up this morning and was super hungry but was also a little queasy. I ignored the queasiness and eat an omelet, which must have been bad cause even though afterward I felt okay. When I came to school and smelt my friend's sandwich the omelet came back up." I state as if it's that simple.

"Mhm. Let me get your chart. What is your name?" her motherly tone being taken over more by her professional one. I can tell she has reached a conclusion and I am assuming it's one I'm not going to like.

"Sophie Ortiz" my tone is almost biting with sarcasm that she probably doesn't deserve yet. Quickly I see her rifle through her file draw coming up with my very thin file. The only time I had been in the nurse's office was when I was in elementary school and it was for the hits Jimmy had given me. Watching as she brings the folder over to her desk contemplating how to tell me whatever is rattling around in her brain.

"Miss Ortiz" she addresses me slowly as she takes her seat, cracking open the folder without glancing at it yet. "is it possible that you are pregnant?" The question sounds almost like a statement coming from her and the nights with Sebastian come unbidden to mind. However, the shock on my face must have been evident cause she looked down at my file to read through it, stuttering all the while. After reading the maybe one page that is in my file it seems as though a new theory dawns on my nurse, Mrs. Philips if her nameplate can be trusted. A proverbial light bulb appears above her head shining brightly as she stares back at me and in a gentle tone asks "are you safe at home? Did you-" she pauses as if searching for the right words. Sweat is now gathering on my upper lip and my palms as I am worried, she now thinks Jimmy might have kicked me so hard that I have internal damage. "-has anyone pushed themselves on you? You are in a safe place." She ends the sentence and I stare at her dumbfounded. Unsure what to say in my outrage. In all of Jimmy's cruel misgivings, he has never once touched me in that way. He has never once looked at me in that way. Nor would I ever let that filthy man climb on top of me.

"You have the wrong idea," I say incredulously "I'm a virgin." a dirty smutty virgin but a virgin nonetheless. My dreams have nothing to do with reality. I stare at Mrs. Philips trying to push my point across with my eyes. I can see from her face that she is still unconvinced.

"Then miss Ortiz you may have a stomach bug. I suggest you go home and see your doctor. You may have to stay home until you are feeling better." She jots down some notes in my file before closing it and handing me a note for the office. Snatching it from her hands I march out of the office mumbling to myself about the healthcare in school these days. It was only a week till Christmas, and I was going to miss out on the last few days of classes. Hopefully, though I can make it to my college courses without being turned away.

***

When arriving later in the day at my college course I am turned away citing that I am a health hazard to the other students. Fuming I make my way to the local coffee shop and wait for Kyle who decided to play a little hooky to hang out with me.

Nursing my hot chocolate, the only thing that had seemed appetizing when ordering was now running a little cold as I finally see Kyle's silhouette coming up the street. A broad smile fills my face as he comes closer. The idea of this sweet human guy coming to spend time with me not knowing that he is in the presence of someone who is part angel, someone with a destiny who she is fighting daily. Someone who has chosen him to fight his destiny with.

"Hey, babe." He bends down finally reaching me and kisses me on the lips. A sweet, gentle kiss that speaks loads to his inexperience unlike Sebastian's which spoke to his years of experience and ability to wield it.

"Hey" I respond monotonously the excitement of seeing him slowly seeping away until he grabs my hand and brings it to his lips, a motion Sebastian would do often, it sends butterflies into my stomach. I throw myself into his arms without thought and start kissing him wholeheartedly. The way I kiss Sebastian at night. Licking at the seam of his lips begging for entrance and once it is granted sliding my tongue alongside his. Twining my fingers through his hair tugging a little to deepen the kiss as my body has a small fire igniting. Unlike the all-consuming fire, I feel when with Sebastian this one is a low simmer. Being pushed softly away I feel my hammering heart and reckless breathing start to slow. My vision comes back into focus as they settle on the boy that has turned me down.

"Woah Sophie, where did that come from?" he asks his bruised lips a pretty shade of red.

"I-I don't know" I stutter, trying to bring him back towards me but failing.

"Soph, we are at a café." He croons.

Blushing I step away and take my seat again. Kyle heads inside the shop to order himself something to drink and I am left with my thoughts. Looking around the street not wanting to think about what I had just done I notice a particular Mercedes across the way. Standing up I hurry across the street to knock on the window. It rolls down to reveal Jasper, not who I expected but just as bad.

"What are you doing?" biting out my question.

"I came out for a cappuccino." He replies holding up a to-go cup from the store I was just sitting in front of.

"Mhm, then I'm sure you are on your merry way back to your compound." Practically turned from him before I hear him say.

"I was before you put on such a wonderful show. Now, I am curious as to what kind of encore you might perform." He snidely says making my blood run cold. Turning back to confront him, my face as red as a beet.

"You bastard!" I yell at him. I try to stick my hands through the opening of the window before he is able to roll it back up and throttle him. Unfortunately, I am unable to. Instead, he turns the car on and turns the wheel towards me. Backing away from the car into oncoming traffic, I quickly turn around and race away. Leaving Jasper, the café, and Kyle behind me. Tears roll down my cheek as I think of the display I must have put on. The wanton young woman in the middle of the street being put off by the young man she was with. Oh, how Jasper must have been laughing and how Sebastian will be happy he no longer had such a lewd girlfriend. Or maybe he will wonder where that lewd girl was when he was dating me. Running until I can feel the hot chocolate coming back up on me, I slow down and look around for the nearest bus stop. Doubling over I feel the contents of my stomach heave themselves onto the sidewalk. The splash of the liquid as it hits the pavement makes me heave harder until there is nothing left in my stomach. Holding on to my midsection, I slowly return back to my normal stature.

***

Back at the house, I fly to my room to fling myself onto my bed. My stomach is still in knots from both the upheaval of what happened and throwing up the contents of it not once but twice that day. Sluggishly my eyes drift shut against my approval and I am transported to my dream world.

Sebastian's weight is next to me at the edge of the bed stroking my hair back. My eyes land on him and I am taken aback by his sad beauty. "Why did you kiss him like that my Principessa?" He asks in lulled tones

"I don't know." For some reason even though I knew that this was a dream and that this Sebastian already knew my innermost thoughts, I couldn't be truly honest with him. "For some reason, I just needed to have him." I turn my face away not wanting to be confronted by whatever image of Sebastian my subconscious would manifest. Talking to my duvet though I add "It was different though."

"Oh" was his only response. Peeking up through my lashes I peer at him as I say my next words.

"Yes, kissing you is like an all-consuming fire. Even in here. With him, with Kyle, though it's like a small simmering flame that neither fully blossoms nor extinguishes." I let out. Sebastian's face contorts with concern at my final words but turns to me to lift me.

"I love you my Principessa." He states as if it is as easy as saying he needs air to breathe or food to eat. As if he has another choice. As if my consciousness would let him do anything but love me.

"I love you too Sebastian," I state hugging him tightly. Kissing his neck as I feel the flame of my love and most definitely lust for him explode in my belly. The tendrils licking at my breasts and core, making my body wet with wanton need. "Sebastian, make love to me," I whisper into the skin of his neck where I continue to kiss, lick and suck. Trying to elicit the same feelings in him as he brings out in me.

"Yes, my love." Running his hands soothingly down my sides sending tingles of electricity through me, he brings his arms around to the small of my back before tracing up my spine with one hand to the base of my head. Tangling his hand in my hair and bringing me down onto the bed. His lips start at the crown of my head kissing their way down my eyes, my nose, my jaw, all the way to my lips where I moan out my pleasure at having him finally join me. His own groan of delight is felt as his tongue joins mine in a dance. Our bodies mold together on the bed, he fits so perfectly between my legs as my sweater dress rides up pooling around my behind. Tugging and pulling at my leggings hoping not to break them I push them off with Sebastian's help as he also quickly undresses. First unbuttoning his black overshirt, before pulling off his white undershirt and lastly removing his pants in such a stealth move, I barely saw it happen. By the time he is naked, I am still in bra and panties that are soaking wet from watching his 6 foot 2 inches with 8-pack abs doing the sexiest undressing a man can do out of a stripping club,

"Need help with that?" he smirks taking in my flushed face and the aroma of my arousal.

"Yes, please" I manage to say without stuttering to my credit as he makes his way back towards me. His very hard member aimed at me like a loaded missile. He bends over me kissing the tops of each of my breasts before making his way lower. Kissing, licking, tracing his tongue around the contours of my belly. Down to the dip of my pelvic bone where my lacy booty shorts lay. He gently grazes his teeth against the top of the shorts, clamping on to glide them down my legs as I carefully take each leg out. Once he is done, he starts kissing his way back up my legs, alternating between the two of them until he reaches the juncture where he gives a pert lick. Followed by a few more lazy laps at my creamy center. I grind my hips into him begging for the friction, the attention I need. Taking hold of my legs he pins me down to the bed in a bruising fashion, his fingers biting into my untanned skin. My hand flies down between my legs to bury itself in his luscious dark curls to drive him further into me or pull him away; after he goes crazy lapping at me like I am his favorite cream dish.

"Please. Please, Sebastian!" I moan out unable to control the feelings he is eliciting from my body. Everything feels, even more, heightened than normal.

"say it" he growls peering up from between my opening.

"Fuck me! Love me! Ma-ke -m-e- you-rs" I ground out in the middle of his attentive care. Smiling from below he slowly glides his way up through my legs making circles with his tongue on his way up. Teasing, taunting. His mouth is finally on my aching breasts pushing down my bra, while his other hand unclasps it. His tongue swirling around my nipple sending a shiver through me, arching my back and my most needy of places into his stiff member. Grinding into him until finally, his now slippery member slides partially in. I moan out loud the pleasure of him spreading me open. He growls out a few fucks as he slides the rest of the way in taking his time to delight in the sensations. He wastes no time in speeding up his rhythm. I sink my teeth into his shoulder to muffle my cries of pleasure. The build of fire and electricity swirling in my belly, little wisps lick outwards at my extremities. Sebastian's mouth returns to my nipples kissing them as he makes his way up tonguing my body all the way to my mouth. Kissing me roughly as he savagely makes love to my body. I come quickly around him, coming to a heightened climax.

"That's a good girl." He whispers into my ear. "Now turn around" sliding out of me he backs up enough to allow me the space to turn around. Guiding me with his hands into the position he wants me in. Propped up on my arms as he guides himself back into me. Pumping languidly, we both enjoy the new sensations this position affords us. Soon frustration takes over as I want more, more of him.

"Please Sebastian, Please," I yell out in desperate need. Heeding my call, he pumps more vigorously. Ramming into me deep and hard. The build of yet another orgasm seems to be impending. I can feel him start to get ready to climax himself. The both of us come together in an epic finale of exulted moans as we leave the world behind for what seems like an eon.

***

"Thanks, Mari" grabbing the school materials from her as she walks through the door. It's the end of the week and she has come over every day to drop off schoolwork and pick it up to bring back to school. Since my symptoms have not subsided, I planned a doctor visit for after the holidays.

"Girl you need to see a doctor sooner than January 2nd. They are worried for you down at the school." Heading straight for the dining area off of the kitchen to sit down and start her own work.

"It was the closest visit I could get," I say exasperated while looking over my own packet worth of Homework she was able to collect for me at the high school. The professors from the college and I have been emailing back and forth so I would not miss my deadlines or the curriculum. The only problem is I still had to figure out a way to go in for my finals next week. Luckily, high school classes are finished today. Christmas break already started as of two thirty this afternoon. The only other thing on my plate besides these packets from my high school and studying for the finals next week is the Christmas Santa giveaway I am a part of. I signed up just a few weeks ago to be an elf but Father believes I will be better at being Mrs. Kringle herself. The thought of it makes me so happy I could faint. I have yet to hear though who will play my counterpart. I do hope it is Kyle, even though I know I have been playing hot and cold with him lately, I asked him to sign up as well. I want someone who I can have fun with and help pass the time. "I can't believe you are starting your packet of work already!" my surprise and sarcasm swirling together in a lovely soft serve.

"Oh, shut up!" she swats at me, but I easily dodge, before going back to her packet "I want to get it over with and the sooner we do our assignments the faster I can spend the holiday the way it is meant to be. Shopping with boys." Leafing through the many projects she has from her various classes a grimace crosses her beautiful face. I laugh loudly knowing that she is not prepared for the work needed for our mid-year projects that are worth around forty to fifty percent of our grades for this semester. We sit in silence working on our projects until my mother gets home and asks what we would like for dinner.

"Mom, I already made lasagna earlier. It's been sitting in the warming drawer waiting for you to get home." Getting up from my spot at the table, I shuffle the papers into a neat pile making room. While my mother gets the pan out of the warming drawer, takes the aluminum off, and takes in the aroma of freshly made home-cooked lasagna. Walking up behind her to gather the plates I hear Mari say "You had lasagna this whole time and I've been sitting here hungry for the past thirty minutes!" She yells at me while hastily clearing her space. Throwing all her materials into her bookbag haphazardly.

"I wanted to wait for my mom and you never said you were hungry." I point out. Passing my mother the plates as she carefully plates a healthy portion of food for Mari, herself, and me. I bring back Mari and my plates along with a pair of forks and paper towels. Sitting down I immediately dig into the food in front of me feeling famished as if I had not eaten anything that entire day instead of the two bowls of cereal I had eaten and the avocado toast I had for lunch. All of which had been thrown back up while cooking the lasagna, but I am at least happy this sickness has not hampered my ability to eat it. Having scarfed down the first plate of food I find myself going back up for seconds. My stomach growls loudly as I sit back down at the table with my fresh plate and my mouth waters, but just as I am about to quench what I assume to be my very noisy hunger my stomach twists and rolls. In a flash, I am out of my chair and racing around the corner to the bathroom to throw up what I just barely put down into my stomach. Having not quite made it to the toilet I spill the contents on the pristine tiled floor, ending up on my hands and knees, my forehead against the bowl as splatter marks the edges of it.

"Chica, estas bien?" my mother appears at the bathroom doorway, her one hand on my back as she bends over to see what has happened. No, mom, I am not okay. I want to say but, I know that that would be rude. She has been so worried about me this past week since my nausea has become full-blown sickness and I can barely keep a thing down.

"I'll be okay mom. I promise. It's just this stomach bug and honestly, it's my fault anyway for thinking I can eat something so heavy." I tell her as I sit down next to the pool of vomit that is making tiny rivers in the tile grooves. Bending my knees I bring them in towards me hugging them a little as Mari makes an appearance. Wrinkling her nose but otherwise not saying anything she stands quietly behind my mother.

"Quieres que te haga una de tus sopas y tostadas favoritas? Tienes que comer. Ultimamente etas muy delgado" My mother goes on fussing over me as if I am a child again that needs to be taken care of. It's nice but also frustrating when she adds the part about my weight. Folding my arms around my midsection. My mom always reverts to her native tongue of Spanish when she is feeling particularly stressed out, so I try and keep the snideness out of my tone when answering her.

"Thank you, mommy," since she wants to treat me like a child, I will talk like one. "I would love some New England clam chowder and toast." Listing off my favorite and only soup I happen to eat. Nodding her head she lifts herself off from her crouched position beside me, leaving me alone with Marisela.

"want me to get you paper towels and a mop?" She asks looking at me with pity in her eyes and disgust written on her face. Mari was never one who could stomach other people's sickness.

"Yeah, thanks," I mumble at her retreating form as I boost myself off the floor before the bile has a chance to make its way to me.

Knock knock

Careful not to step into the pile on the floor I make my exit making sure to close the door behind me and over to the front door to see who could possibly be coming over today. Without much thought, I swing the door open with greetings on my tongue that quickly die there as I see who is on the other side of the doorway.

"Sebastian" the one-word utterance sends a rosiness to my cheeks that I am positive was not there a moment ago as I think back to the last time I allowed myself to dream about him earlier in the week. My heart starts to hammer in my chest as coils of unwanted yearning unfold in my belly.

"Sophie, I am sorry to come calling unannounced but, it has come to my attention that you have been unwell and I wanted to make sure you are, well that you will be well again soon." His wavering, concerning speech, has me moved even though a small part of me in the back of my mind is angry that he has butted into my life unbidden and then showed up to tell me he has butted in.

His normally coifed appearance is now more rugged and haphazard as if he has been through his own ordeal as of late. Stunned by the man that is before me I stay silent watching me take me in. My messy hair is partially spilled out of its own ponytail. My dark, puffy eyes from silent tears were shed over every retch. My ragged bata down to my midthighs and old holey pajama pants. Folding my arms back around myself I feel my resolve to get him out of here and the look of pity that is destined to appear on his face. His hand raises towards me and I recoil backward away from him. Not wanting him to touch me while I am sick or even at all… I keep my distance away from him.

"Why are you keeping track of me? You shouldn't be worried about me anymore. Remember." I raise an eyebrow willing him to remember our difficult breakup.

"Although, we are not together now" he swallows the name we both know he wants to call me "that does not mean I do not care. That I shall not care for you and want to be around to help ease any pain you are in." I can tell he wants to reach out again but the fear of rejection is too fresh. I can feel fresh tears sting behind my eyes and not wanting to let him see them I slam the door in his face before muttering to myself "don't you get it you are the cause of my pain." The tears shed unbidden down my cheeks as I sink to the floor sobbing. My mother and Marisela come rushing over at the sound of my sobs and the door slamming.

"What happened?" "Que ha ocurrido?" They say in unison when they see my face in my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs.

"Sophie! I am sorry my love" we can all hear Sebastian as he turns to leave. His footsteps can be heard echoing down the hallways to the stairway.

"That piece of mierda" Mari yells as she breaks into her Spanglish.

"oh, dios no" my mom says as she melts into my side taking hold of me and rocking me softly while I cry into her neck. The mess in the bathroom forgotten for a while.

***

"Sir, please I just need to take my final." I plead with my professor outside of the classroom while the other college students file in and collect their packets.

"Miss Ortiz without a doctor's note you are not allowed to return to class even if it is for the final. Even just looking at you, you look contagious I am sorry." He states firmly.

"Then how am I supposed to take my finals?" I can feel the frustration start to build. The emotional rollercoaster I have been on for the past week and a half and maybe even more than that if I am truly honest with myself.

"I am sorry Miss but I do not know" He leaves me with that sentiment as he walks into the classroom closing the door behind him. Walking away from the classroom I make my way down to the local café to grab something warm and soothing to drink for my empty, sore stomach.

Walking out of the café with a hot chocolate I run into Kyle on his way in.

"Hey, Soph." Kyle smiles at me as he stands in front of the door.

"Hey, Kyle." I smile back at him ready to walk around him and out the door when I remember the Christmas pageant. "Kyle?"

"Yeah, Soph?"

"Did you ever sign up for the Christmas pageant at the church?" I question him pondering if he will let me know if he will be my Santa Claus.

"Yeah, I'm headed over there in a little bit to help set up. Thanks for letting me know about it, I am excited to be an elf." Kyle excitedly yammers on about how happy he is to be able to add this to his college resume. All I hear though is that he isn't my Santa Claus, and I will be stuck with someone else inside the North pole.

"I guess I will see you there." I let him know before turning away from a very holly jolly Kyle and go on my way early to the church.

***

Helping the other early birds in the back of the church put together the North Pole. I see father come walking over and talking to someone next to him that is just out of my line of sight. Walking closer I see the person is none other than Sebastian and he is holding the Santa suit. Gasping I move away from the two until I hear the father call out my name.

"Sophie, can you come here please?" Father Gregory calls again but my body is nearly immobile. I feel like it's been weighted down by lead and the only momentum propelling me backward. Taking a deep breath though I manage to stop myself from back peddling any further and instead go forward towards them.

"Yes, father." I inquire without truly wondering what he has in store for me. Just knowing that it has to do with Sebastian has my hackles up.

"Sophie, Sebastian and you will be MR and Mrs. Claus. You will be responsible for helping the children get their presents and taking their pictures. Do Not Forget to give the picture to the parents and Ask if we can save a duplicate for our advertisement." Father specifies the last bit very specifically as if to say this is the part to not mess up at any cost.

"Yes, father" Sebastian and I say in unison.

"Off you two go. There is a lot of work to be done before we are ready for the children." Father says before walking back off towards the church offices.

"What should we do first?" Sebastian turns to me and asks, placing his Santa suit on the table.

"You can start helping someone else and I will go over there and get the presents wrapped." I point to where Kyle is now sitting with another elf, Kristy I think, separating the girl, boy, and unisex presents into piles so we can wrap them differently. Walking away from him before he can utter another word, I make my way over to a couple of elves.

"Hey Kyle,-" I blank on her name not wanting to say the wrong one I just nod in her direction waiting for someone to introduce her to me.

"Kasey with a K." she extends her hand towards me as she stands perfectly next to Kyle looking like a cute couple. A little jealous part of me didn't like seeing them together but another greater part of me could appreciate how they looked. Giving in to the jealous side I grab at Kyle's arm and through my lashes say, "can I see you for a second?"

"Of course, soph" he brightens at my sudden attention. Taking him by the arm I lead him through the back of the church to my secret hideaway space in the basement of the facility. The barely lit area lends to the ambiance as I turn into him at the bottom of the stairs and kiss him. Planting my lips firmly against his I chastely kiss him for a bit allowing him to get into the same mood I am after seeing Sebastian, wanton. Even though I know seeing Sebastian should not fill me with any type of lustful feelings I cannot help but still feel highly attracted to him. The magnetism that has been there since the first time I laid my eyes on him is still there. However, I have some covetous feelings for Kyle as well or why else would I have gotten jealous? Why else would I have brought him down here to make out with him away from Kasey with a K and Sebastian and his watchful gaze?

Flicking the tip of my lip at the seam of Kyle's lips I ask for entrance and am given entrance. I moan out my appreciation and allow my tongue to take his over in a dance. My hands slide one around his neck and into his beautiful thick head of hair and the other around his waist to bring him closer to me. I want to feel the full weight of his body on me. His own hands make their way into my hair and down onto my back holding my tush. His breath mingles with mine as the kiss gets deeper and we start to crave more of each other. I am the first one to break it off and start kissing his jaw, his neck while twirling my tongue and sucking gently at his sensitive exposed skin. I can hear Kyle's breath hitch as he gets more and more turned on from my actions and the evidence of his pleasure is poking at my leg.

"I want you." I declare in his ear as sexy as I can muster.

"I want you too, Soph." He says back with hooded eyes, languidly as if he is dreaming.

"No, Kyle I want to have sex with you this week," I state trying to pull him out of the lovey-dovey world he has been sucked into.

Shaking his head after a few moments as if it took a while for the words to penetrate through the forcefield he had up. He utters "Soph are you sure? That's a big step."

"Yeah," I say mustering up all the confidence I had to show him that losing my virginity would be nothing at all.

***

Working with Sebastian at the North Pole wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be. In the beginning, it was awkward and I wanted out. Being close to him every time we had to take a picture and smelling his scent was overwhelming. However, soon the job of getting the kids their gifts and dealing with the parents became more than enough to handle and I was able to put my feelings for Sebastian on the back burner. It is such a joy bringing smiles to the kid's faces as they sat on Sebastian's lap and I would hand them a present, only to be rewarded with the biggest face-splitting grin. My heart would melt.

I would think about how someday I cannot wait to have my own children to do this with. To have a big Christmas tree and presents all around the bottom of the tree. My kids ran towards them eager to tear into the wrapping and get at their new toys. I am not sure how many I want but a small horde might do; I think to myself. I've always loved children and when I am older and settled and have found the right person. Someone that I and the LORD approve of then I can see myself having children, getting married, living the white picket fence life. Ha, yeah like I will achieve that. A nasty little part of my brain comes out to articulate my worse fears. Fears that I will never achieve my dreams of going to college and truly making something of myself.

I shake my head and snap myself out of my spiraling thoughts. Bringing myself back to the present which is day three of passing out presents to the children. Tomorrow is Christmas and I cannot wait to get my presents. Most importantly though I cannot wait to hand out the presents I got to my friends and family. I have been hiding at Derek's house all the presents I have bought everyone over the past few weeks online or from what was supposed to be just browsing. Especially lately. Since I have had so much time on my hands without classes I have had plenty of time to go outside and wander around the stores aimlessly just looking over the merchandise and imagining who it would be good for.

The last kid exits the North Pole area, and I am left alone once again with Sebastian and well the camera woman. It doesn't feel like Lila the camera woman is in the enclosed space with us. It is almost like the very first day I met him. The chemistry from the past three days of close work smiles, and light touches had been building the eternal flame I have inside of me for him. I start pondering, is this chemistry, this flame inside of me part of my destiny? Will I ever be able to outrun it? I can feel myself being drawn closer to Sebastian as he starts to strip out of his Santa outfit. His slacks and undershirt cling to him from the light perspiration coating his body. Biting my lower lip, I let my eyes roam his taut body. Every muscle flexed as he seemingly glides out of the suit. A small smile plays on his lips and I am drawn into those gorgeous, pouty lips of his as he is still bent over pulling on his loafers. His hair pouring down his face, masking the fact that he is in fact watching me inch my way closer and closer to him. Hands-on my shiny black thick belt that cinches my already tiny stomach. The velvet dress fluffed out at the bottom with itchy tulle underneath. My bare legs were pimpled with goosebumps from the cool air being channeled against my heated flesh.

"Principessa?" he asks in his usual honey-toned voice. The familiarity of the name catches me off guard as the unsaid 'may I help you hangs in the air.

Gulping, I quickly lick my lips nervous by the frame of mind I find myself in. My body vibrating with need; the need to touch him and be touched by him. To know if having him spread me open the way he does in my dreams is the same in reality. The feel of the weight of him on top of me, behind me, beneath me. Blushing harder as the thoughts keep funneling through my mind. Reaching out to me without another word it's like he knows the thoughts in my mind.

His hand effortlessly slides into mine like it belongs and I involuntarily squeeze back. Just as he is about to bend down to kiss me I hear Kyle and Kasey come walking towards us talking loudly about how much they enjoyed working the line today.

Immediately snapping into focus I am shocked by what I find myself about to do. Nearly giving up two months' worth of staying away from him and forging a new path. Nearly two months of surviving with only dream him to keep me sane and able to function as a normal person. Nearly a month of me hanging out and well dating Kyle who I just told I wanted to sleep with this week. Oh god, what is wrong with me?!

Backing away from Sebastian with angry, self-loathing mixed in my expression. Shaking my head over and over again, I turn and run away tears streaming down my eyes.

***

I can feel the weight of him on my bed. Ever since I reached the house, I have locked myself away in my room and covered myself in my blankets and comforter, hoping to hide from the world. From him. Yet, here he is in my dream again waiting for me patiently to come out of my hiding spot and join him.

"I can't tonight Sebastian. I can't see you, not even in here." I sniffle.

"Why my love? What happened?" His hand moves up my body from my hip to my shoulder in a gentle caress.

"You know what happened!" I scream at him exasperated by this game my subconscious is playing. Why could it not let me be? Let me lay in my bed and cry the rest of the evening out.

"No, my Principessa. I do not know." He states watching me carefully as I am now sitting up avoiding his eyes. "What I know is that you were turned on and attracted to me. Yes?" he questions with no hint of judgment in his voice. Not trusting my voice to crack I nod. "You were drawn to me and came close. Wanting to be intimate, yes?" He asks this question while bringing his hand over to my chin forcing my head up. Nodding into his hand because I know there is no use lying to my own subconscious, I allow him to guide my face ever closer to his. "So, then why my sweet Principessa did you run away?" looking into his eyes at this point as he has bent his head down to be mere centimeters away from my own I can feel him breathe out the question.

Although, I want to relent and kiss him here just like I wanted to kiss him earlier in the day I jump up shouting out all the reasons why I did what I did. Leaving it off with "-I still love you too much Sebastian. I cannot keep having you around. I cannot keep having you tempting me when I am supposed to be moving on." Settling back down next to him I cannot bring myself to look at him.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks and for the first time ever he sounds small. Looking up at him through my lashes I see him looking away himself unable to take the rejection he must fear is headed his way.

"No, one more night. One more night and then we must stop everything." Placing my hand on his cheek which is now sporting a 5 o'clock shadow. He turns into my hand kissing my palm, trailing kisses on the inside of my arm up to my neck, jaw, to my lips which have been craving the taste of him all day.

Climbing onto his lap I straddle him as his arms come around my waist and up my back. Grabbing a handful of my hair to playfully pull it back-breaking off our kiss to trail kisses down my throat to my chest. Quickly trying to fiddle with the thick black belt still firmly planted on my midriff I finally get it undone and drop it onto the floor. I can feel Sebastian's hands at the hem of my dress, skimming my mid-thighs, sending shivers through me. The hairs along my body stand up while goosebumps cover me. He glides my dress over my sensitive body eliciting a moan from me as I feel his mouth on the tops of my breasts. Without hesitation, the dress is pulled off of me and I am left in my sheer white lace bra, thong, and tulle skirt. I grind into his lap feeling his readiness.

Bringing my lips back down onto his I take charge for the first time ever with him. Letting him know that I want him more than I have wanted anything in my life. Drinking him down like he is the first sip of water I have had after wandering the desert for forty years. Letting my teeth graze at his bottom lip as I make a journey downward. I tear at his shirt using all the strength I have to try and rip it in half but he chuckles when he sees me start to get flustered by my thwarted attempts. Instead of lifting the shirt over his head, he rips the shirt himself in two as if it's made of the thinnest paper. Then quickly as if thinking about it moves to take off his pants but I stop him before he can get the zipper fully down. Giving him a quick kiss on the lips I push him back down onto the bed where he relentingly gives way to my push and plops his upper body down wholeheartedly. I make my way back down to his chiseled chest kissing and nipping at his raised flesh, making sure to pay special attention to his nipples and the contours of his abdominals. Following his happy trail down to the edge of his slightly laid open pants I lightly glide the zipper down over him, so he just barely feels the ghost of the sensation. Following behind it with kisses till his happiness greets me nearly smacking me in the face. I smile broadly ready to take his monstrous girth into my mouth and swallow him down without warning.

He groans out a few unintelligible words before I clearly hear "fuck me" and I think to myself I'll do just that!

Letting go of my popsicle with a wet POP I grin cheekily at him as he peers over at my actions with half-hooded eyes. Slowly I make it a point to straddle him again taking him in as I do so. Holding his thick cock in one hand and balancing myself on the other. I let him slide in inch by aching inch eliciting groans and moans from both of us. He flexes beneath me and I am aware of just how much restraint he is using not to take over and ram the rest of himself into me. He is allowing me to have this control over him and I appreciate his willingness in letting me explore. Finally, I sink down, and our pelvic bones meet, we are finally fully connected, and I immediately start to grind onto him. Feeling him at this angle hits a part of me that feels like it has never been touched before. It spurs me on more to grind into him further until we both have finally had enough; him taking hold of my hips, he helps guide my motions up and down along his shaft in a tauntingly slow manner. Building a rhythm that progressively becomes faster in nature. He starts to drive into me from below as I bring myself down onto him from above. Leaning forward over him he cranes his head a bit to take my hard-pebbled nipple into his mouth twirling his tongue around the tip before letting it go and doing it again to the next one. The alternating pattern coupled with the sensation of his one hand now dipped below where we are joined rubbing at my most sensitive spot while I ride him is quickly becoming too much. I feel the impending climax come upon me quickly as my body stiffens above him, convulsing softly as wave after wave of luscious euphoria overtakes me. I can just barely still feel him gently rubbing circles around my clit as he pumps away inside of me seeking his own release.

***

Hanging out at Ella's house on Christmas Eve we are finishing up our traditional exchanging of presents. I was excited by the thoughtful presents that my friends had gotten me and would cherish the self-care items they had gone in together to get me. After the year I had, well heck the life, I can use all the self-care items they could afford to get me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I will be using the bath bombs they have gotten me. They smell amazing and I am sure feel just as great.

"Hey Soph, any chance you have a tampon or pad?" Mari asks as she comes back from the bathroom.

"Uhm no- was there none in the bathroom?" I ask as if I am the wrong person to be asking. Its not like we are in my house.

"I checked. Ella's all out." She flippantly says ignoring Ella who is sitting between us.

"yeah, sorry I finished it this morning. Mom is out getting more now." Ella passively says to the present I got her, a cool vintage music trinket.

"Plus, don't you have your period?" Mari accuses looking at me like I have some explaining to do. Blushing I refuse to look away and just shake my head. Seeing Marisela is about to go off on a tirade of questions about why I don't have it I put my hand up and say, "between the sickness and drastic weight loss the past few weeks I think the stress toll on my body has stopped my period. I will talk more with my doctor about it on the second." I firmly state so that there is no room for pesky questions or any other nuisance. Seeing the mood I am in and knowing the difficult situation I have been in for the past few weeks Mari lets it go and returns to her own set of presents, preening at the makeup and hair products she now has collected.

Gathering up my presents I place them all in my tote that I had brought them their presents in and get ready to say goodbye not really feeling like continuing our tradition of hanging out, watching movies, and eating junk food. Especially with how sensitive my stomach has been of late.

Waving goodbye to them they try and beg me to stay later, Mari even apologizing (a rare occurrence) for her making things awkward with her insinuation of my condition. I let her know it is fine, but I just still am not feeling the greatest and want to be home in my comfy clothes snuggled deep under my covers on this cold winter day.

However, as I walk out onto the soft, fresh powder snow that is still flurrying to the floor I cannot help but wonder about her question and about what the nurse said. Could I be? I mean. No. I can't. I. am. a. virgin. As much as I and Sebastian had fooled around when we were together, we never went further than some light fingering. I never even got to experience in reality what it feels like for him to eat me out. Every seriously naughty thing we ever did was only ever done when I was sleeping.

I laugh. Imagine getting pregnant from a dream! I chuckle hard at that thought but something inside twists. Looking up I realize I have walked all the way to the local pharmacy.

"Well might as well." I sigh.

***

Back at the house, I drop my presents off by the door before making a beeline for the bathroom with my purchase in hand. Carefully reading the instructions while getting ready to sit on the toilet I say aloud "Okay this seems simple and stupid."

Quickly I pee on the stick and place it on the counter as I start the timer to wait the two minutes to see if there will be one or two lines. Pacing up and down I feel silly until I look down.