What Now?
Pacing, I can't help it. I have been doing it for a week now. Ever since I had gotten home from my Christmas eve present exchange at Ella's house. My life since last year had become so complicated. It had given me my first love and my first rebound, not that I think of Kyle as a rebound. No, of course not. Kyle is too amazing for that. However, I don't know how Kyle fits into my future plans and what are my future plans. With everything that has been going on, I missed out on my finals and still have yet to be able to take them, leaving my grades as incompletes in my college courses. My high school classes are all B's and for me, that is just unacceptable. Now, with this new challenge. What am I going to do? What is the doctor going to say? Will I be able to go back to school finally? So many questions keep swarming my head that I have barely slept the past week and I am grateful for that. The last thing I need is to see Sebastian. Sebastian! My face turns red with embarrassment and anger.
Knock knock
"Miss Ortiz?" the doctor pokes her head in and I am stopped in my tracks.
"Mhm," I nibble on my lower lip nervously staring at the door the doctor is still standing in front of.
"Can you sit on the table I would like to do a quick exam of you. I understand that you originally made this appointment because you've been feeling sick for some time. Has that gotten any better?" She peers up at me from the chart in her hands as she sits down perfectly balanced on the stool by the machine.
"No, it is still pretty bad." I let her know through the side of my mouth while still biting down on the corner of my lip.
"I understand that you let my nurse know that since you made the appointment you have taken a pregnancy test and it has come out positive. I see the urine test we had you take here is still on the table" she drones on about what they have already done while I am practically jumping out of my skin wanting to ask what the result is of their urine test for me. I kept peering over at it while pacing the room but could not make head or tails out of the results. "let us see what it says here." Finally! I yell to myself. Peering over I watch intently as she puts on a glove before picking up the dipstick and looking at the pink color.
Carefully she places it back down and without saying anything she turns to me and asks "Sophie" oh no "have you talked with your mother? Have you discussed your options since getting the positive pregnancy test?" its written all over her face the concern that I am another young, unwed soon to be a mother but this is not how it's supposed to be.
I was so careful.
I was abstinent.
That is what they tell us, but no one ever said you had to be careful of dreams. Clearly, no one ever knew that creatures like Sebastian existed and apparently, they can get you pregnant in your dreams. I can feel the heat of my anger rise into my cheeks again. Not trusting my voice, I shake my head at the doctor.
"Have you told the father? Do you know how far along you might be?" The doctor starts to pepper me with questions. With each new one, I shake my head more violently. "Would you like to find out?" she asks looking down at me with a sweet expression on her face.
My heart starts to hammer in my chest as I think about finding out more about this baby. A baby I am not even sure I want. A baby that I am not even sure what it is. Sebastian isn't even human and I'm angelic so what does that make this child? I start to feel woozy. Bracing myself on the table the doctor states she needs to see how everything is going in the pregnancy to make sure I am having a healthy progression. She continues to talk about what I should eat and not eat and the vitamins I should take but all I can think about is, what is considered healthy for this type of pregnancy?
Leaving the doctor's office I had a small baggy filled with 'goodies' from my visit, vitamins that apparently I need to be on for the duration of the pregnancy, pamphlets on my options, and ultrasound pictures of the little being inside of me which already had some characteristics. I head home with the resolution that today will be the day I confront Sebastian, maybe.
By the time I walk into the house my mom is home and I am exhausted. She greets me in the hallway taking in my appearance and frowns.
"What is wrong? What did the doctor say? I really wish you had let me go with you." She clucks over me like a panicked parent. Not realizing that this is the last thing I need at the moment.
"It's nothing mom. I will be fine. It's a small parasite that I can take some meds for. I'm just tired." I let her know while patting her arm on my way past her to get through the rest of the house to my room. I can hear her behind me saying that she wants to talk more after I have rested a bit and all I can muster is a nod in her direction before sequestering myself in my room.
Pulling out my phone I scroll down until I find his name pausing before pressing it. I reach into the bag and pull out the photo of our baby then click his contact and wait for him to pick up.
"Sophie?! Is everything okay? Are you okay?" He yells into the phone and he seems genuinely concerned. Having picked up on the first ring and given me not even a second to say hello.
"We need to talk. Tomorrow at the park at dusk." I firmly say ignoring his questions because no, everything is not okay and no I am not okay. He has lied to me for the better part of six months allowing me to think that these dreams whether they were at night or during the day were my own imaginings. I can feel hot tears roll down my face as I hear him reply of course to my demand before I hang up on his questions about what is going on.
I let my feelings overwhelm me as I lay down on my bed and cry it out. On my way back to the house I had taken a vitamin so I wouldn't forget and instead took the bag and shoved it under my bed. Like everything else that has to do with that man I just don't want to see it right now. Putting one hand to my belly which I have started to notice is partially protruding in my lower abdomen, I hold my child and cry at the mess that is my life. I cry at the betrayal I feel, and I cry at the overwhelming loss of innocence I feel. It wasn't fair of him to take away my virginity without me knowing. It wasn't fair of him to take away my options of birth control and it wasn't fair of him to try and trap me.
I can feel the rage build inside of me as more and more thoughts of how unfair the situation is come bidden to mind and soon, I find myself asleep thinking of it all.
I can feel him appear next to me causing me to spring up.
"Principessa, what happened?" he asks concern etched into every crevice of his face.
"What are you doing here?! I told you tomorrow at dusk!" I yell at him flinging myself off the bed and away from him. Tears roll fresh down my eyes as I fold my arms over my baby.
"but Principessa I thought you might need me." Bewilderment overtakes his concern as he moves toward me clearly not understanding what has shifted between this version of us.
"Don't touch me!" I yell through gritted teeth. "I know what you are doing. How you are doing it or why you would do it is another story. But I know what you are doing!" I glare at him moving towards my bed to kick the bag further under it.
I can hear him gulp as he asks, "what do you mean?"
"I know this is real. I know this has all been real. That you've been playing with me from the start Sebastian." I hiss out. "I know that you've used your evil ways to create this little world and get into my dreams like Freddy freaking Krueger but only worse instead of just trying to kill me. You tortured me, you let me believe that this was all my own figment of my imagination and then slept with me in it. Heck, I'm not even sure if I could say I gave you consent to sleep with me. Not really. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!" I yell at no one as I find myself standing alone in my room. With no explanation, no apology he was gone, and I am left with another broken heart and angry tears.
***
The following day I give my doctor's note to my college advisor who I managed to snag a meeting, which is very lucky for me considering the school is technically closed for winter break. The note is generic so and so can return to school and school activities as long as they are not too strenuous. My advisor looks over the note and informs me that there is a possibility that since I am still a high school student and it was their reasoning for not allowing me to take my exams I will be able to take them the following week. Pumping my fist silently next to me in my chair I reply to this good news with a hardy thank you before leaving the office and thanking the LORD for his many blessings. The one thing I would like to do before having this child is at least finish high school. These courses even though they are college courses go hand in hand with that.
I vow as I leave campus to spend the next several days dedicated to studying and nothing else. Well, that and mapping out a future for me and this little one. Especially, since I plan on doing it alone.
I walk off of campus only to see that Sebastian's car is parked across the street. I make it a point of staying away from that side of the street as I make my way toward my house. All the while talking to my little one stating, "clearly your daddy doesn't know when he isn't wanted."