Suffering of Mine

I woke up from my bed grabbing my clothes and quickly putting them on looking in the mirror I saw my perfectly normal slightly fat body with my eyes looking dead and listless. I put my hand on the mirror wiping the expression and suddenly my eyes were full of light and joy masking the pain hidden within. I looked around wondering how many times I have done this how many times I put on the mask hiding myself from my family.

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I hear my mother call me "Nathan please come down breakfast is done you should always start the day with a fulfilling breakfast." I smiled walking down the stairs as they creaked the home being a little old but well kept up, we were a middle-class family, and everything was happy except me I had never told anyone about my constant pain because not even the doctors could find what was wrong with me so one day I simply began to pretend that it went away when it got worse every year.

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I had once decided to explore the occult to find a reason but there was nothing no way to reverse it the supernatural didn't exist not even ghosts all those fairy tales and myths were lies I searched for nothing but I didn't even feel anger the pain simply overwhelmed it the only reason I was still here was the love my family and friends showed me my heart was long gone but I still made every little act seem purpose filled so that they could be happy. I didn't let the pain ever distract me, but it was today that the pain suddenly spiked, and I passed out but even unconscious I could still the pain.

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I could no longer handle the pain, but my family never gave up on me even though I couldn't move and was stuck in a semi-comatose state I could move my eyes but not speak only listen.

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"my son we are here no matter what you are going through whether you go to heaven or hell we shall always be with you we will find our way to you no matter the cost." My father spoke his tone loving filled with care.

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My mom was crying over me muttering "it's all my fault maybe if I had noticed anything off earlier, we could have him be with us longer able to speak with us. I should have spent more time with him we knew he was a loner why did I leave him be?" This caused me to cry wishing I could reassure her luckily her tears covered mine otherwise she might blame herself even more.

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My only 3 friends came over each one of us had been together causing trouble together exploring the wilderness and just having fun I did spend a few years apart when I had admitted to the growing pain due to my family wanting me 'Cured' of it. I tried to smile but couldn't as Brett sat by me with a small smile I looked watching him be stoic as always but his eyes were watering and his expression was nothing pleasant with the worry within.

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Ethan took my hands in his and mumbled a prayer I couldn't hear but I could feel the tears dropping onto my hand life never had treated him well but he took everything in well making each and every movement his small silver cross touching my hands. I watched as ethan looked me in the eyes and said with tears "May you enter into god kingdom with a smile friend let not your sins stain you for Jesus washed you clean."

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"Hey you know he isn't religious and I do know its important to you to make sure he gets into heaven but I think he would just want us to be happy so lets play a board game and let him watch." I loved played board games and Sanp hated them but he would always play with me even in my toughest moments because he knew if no one else would he could at least try to enjoy his time with me.

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I shut my eyes as the years passed by and every week, they would visit me which would always lead to me crying wanting them to just give up, but I knew they would never would and I had to listen as each of my family and friends slowly died, I outlived them all my final years filled with hate.

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'Maybe if I had offed myself earlier they wouldn't have died they could have lived longer. My friends each passed away and their last words to me would haunt me evermore.'

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Ethan Looked at me one last time his middle age appearance dashing compared to most and he said to me "I have a feeling that this will be my last time seeing you so whatever god has planned for you I hope you will be happy with it." A week later I heard that he had went on a missionary mission in so far off place and got executed in front of a video camera.

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My mom laid her head on my chest and said "I'm sorry I held you to such high standards I should have gone easier on you Afterall you were so kind to everyone but also vicious to those who hurt your friends and family but you always had mercy I only wish I could trade places with you so you could see more of the world." I could feel her heart stop as her head lay there my tears overflowing.

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My eldest brother sat next to me "I always thought you hated me but I realize now you just didn't know how to approach me as I was cold to everyone I'm sorry I put you through that I should have opened up sooner Afterall I loved you all even if I didn't want to show it I did so many stupid things and I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness so I will leave so you wont be in pain."

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My eldest sister approached me and lay beside me on the bed like we used to when looking at the stars she then whispered "Brother Nathan why did everything start to go wrong so after you collapsed everything seemed so happy you were so active you always helped us why did you have to suffer why did my brothers have to be taken from me why did both of my brothers who would always protect me like knights to a princess have to die why isn't life like fairy tales. Sorry for acting like a child but I truly can't understand this world may I see you if there is an afterlife." She died in an accident the very next day crashed into by a drunk driver who was miraculously alive.

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Brett Came to me his hang on an old walking stick both of us in our twilight years "I always wondered if you could hear us but I knew it I just didn't want to admit that you would have to suffer so living through every moment in agony, but I have always wondered how it feels to be you I have a wife and a few children. I know I'm going to die soon so I won't be able to visit any more so please be well I'm sorry that we had to remind you of your suffering, but I can't stand seeing you like this anymore goodbye old friend.