Depression 100, Me 0 (Ryker)

I was putting my paintbrushes away when I got a text.

I'm out front we should talk. - Ethan

I hadn't seen him since last week when everything happened. We'd checked in to make sure we were both ok, but we never deemed it important enough to go see each other, I was okay with that.

I put a sheet over my painting and slung my bag over my back.

Ethan was waiting for me his skateboard in his hand.

"Hey," He greeted.

"Hey," I returned.

"You doing good?"

I nodded.

"So what's up?" I asked.

"I didn't know if you heard, but the guy who put on the show last week is dead, the guy fighter is in the hospital, coma. No one has heard anything about the girl,"

"Yeah I heard, my mom is his nurse," I commented. I shifted my weight between my feet.

"I also wanted to tell you that I don't think we should hang out anymore," Ethan stuttered out quickly and looked down and took a small step back.

My face screwed up and I also took a step back out of confusion.

While Ethan was my closest friend, that didn't mean he knew me all that personally. He was a good friend to take my mind of things, to go do stupid teenager stuff with. But we never talked about the skeletons in our closest, he had other friends for that.

"Oh, ok," I whispered and hiked my slipping backpack back up onto my shoulder. I didn't need to ask why what would it change? He didn't want to hang out anymore, message received.

"I- I not sure why really, I just-" He gave me a confused look and tried to straighten out his jumbled words. " I just know that I can't hang out with you anymore, it's not safe," His eyes almost seemed to glaze over and then he just turned around and started to walk away. I would probably never see him again.

When I got home, the house was quiet. Mom's shift didn't end until late tonight. A post-it note on the fridge told me that there was a single-serve microwave dinner in the fridge for me, but I wasn't hungry.

I felt like I was starting to slip again. I should have expected it, I'd been normal for too long now, I was due for a crash.

Thunder rolled above, and a flash of lighting followed. A storm was rolling in, I frowned, seemed even the weather was starting to hit the bottom of their sunshine supply. Not that I'd ever felt happiness that could be described as sunshine, but a at least a normal contentment with life.

But as I watched the dark clouds roll in I could feel my body start to slump, my body almost seemed too heavy to carry even though I was basically a stick.

I padded over to the window and rested my head against it. Rain started to pour down and I wished I could be a drop of rain too. To just fall and fall and fall to feel the rush of life and then just splat onto the ground below.

The shrill of the home phone cut through my dark wishes, I gave a sad glance to the window then went over to grab the phone, to see what the rude intruder wanted.

I pressed the green answer button and held it up to my ear, waiting for whoever was on the other line to speak.

"Hello? Ryker?" Peyton's voice cut through, I gave a silent regret giving her my home number.

"Yeah?" I murmured.

"Hey it's Peyton, you know that already..." she whispered to herself. "I um was wondering if we could uh meet up? There's a storm coming in and my parents are dealing with my little brother and umm, I just don't want to be alone," She stuttered out, I could almost hear the plea in her voice.

I realized that I hadn't said anything when she said my name again.

"Oh uh, yeah sure. My Mom's at work if you want to come over," I offered, maybe it was a bad idea for me to be alone too.

"Ok thanks, I'll be over as soon as I can," She said hurriedly and I could her quickened movement through the phone.

I gave her my address before hanging up.

I filled the coffee pot up water and turned it on so it would heat up. It was the most thoughtful thing I could think of, the rain was probably colder now, there was only a few weeks left of summer, then the fall would settle in.

There was a faint knock at the door and I opened it and let Peyton in, she was wearing a large teal hoodie the was splattered with rain droplets, her hair was stuffed under the hood.

"Thanks," she murmured.

My eyes caught hers just for a seconded, but I recognized something in them, that suffering, the silent kind that just takes you over when it feels like it. That consumes and devours you. It was the first similarity that I could see that marked us as siblings.

"There's coffee brewing," I told her and let her step into the apartment further.

"Oh thanks," she smiled and let the hood drop from her head revealing her tousled hair that looked like she been raking her hands through it a few too many times.

She curled up on the couch and tucked her knees into her chest, watching the rain run down the window.

I handed her a mug and mumbled a caution of the heat as I took a seat on the armchair.

Without looking at me she started talking.

"My Mom got home from work today and saw me strumming on my guitar, which led her into a lecture on how if I didn't spend the summer laying around I could be doing online classes, that colleges weren't looking for low life bums who were just planning on skimming by," She still didn't look at me, but she kept telling her story. "As if all my AP classes weren't enough, or the extra clubs and activities I did to make her happy," She rolled her eyes and took a sip from the mug. "Then the thunder crashed and Auggie started screaming and she left. She doesn't even have time to finish telling me how much of a disappointment I am anymore. Maybe she thinks if she gives Auggie all her attention he won't fail her like I have," she finished bitterly.

A pang of resembled hit me. I looked down to the floor and offered the only comforting words I could.

"Sometimes I feel like the reason my Mom works too much is because she doesn't like seeing me that much. I'm the one patient that she can't fix, so she tries to save as many other people as she can,"

Peyton nodded.

"Nothings ever enough for her, I know she means well, but... It's like the more and more I give the more empty I get and then I eventually run out and there's just this nothingness. I just can't feel anything anymore, except when I'm alone in my closet, I make myself feel something just so I don't go insane," Her words got more hushed the more they spilled out. I knew what she was saying, I didn't need any clarifying.

"Sometimes you just need a reminder your alive," I breathed.

"Even in that means feeling your own blood on your fingertips," she finished for me.

I nodded, we didn't look at each other and we sat in silence for a little, just listening to the rain pick up.

"I don't want to die," she muttered between dry lips.

The words escaped me before I could catch them.

"I do, sometimes. It just seems for much easier than living,"

That time Peyton did look at me. Instead of the expecting pity, she had a look of curiosity on her face.

"You don't know that death could suck just as much as life," she gave a small smile.

I let my lips quirk up just a bit.

"That's true,"

Peyton silently sipped at her coffee, her eyes returning to the storm outside.

"You can always come to me you know when things get too hard," she offered.

I nodded.

"You can always come here too when you're giving to much,"

She gave an appreciative look before getting up and setting the mug in the sink.

"My friend dumped me today, something about how it's not safe to hang out with me,"

Peyton gave a small chortle as she came back and sunk back into the couch.

"I think we should probably get used to that,"

We didn't talk for the rest of the night, we just watched as the rain fell.

When a loud crash of thunder woke me up at twelve in the morning I noticed I was still sitting in the armchair, and Peyton had left.