Chapter 5 : Fall down

The day after her resignation, Dara had not said anything to Nemma. Dara deliberately didn't bring her things from the office out of her car so as not to invite Nemma's questions. Dara still doesn't want to talk about it. She was also not ready for the response Nemma would give. Dara couldn't guess what Nemma was thinking about her decision to leave work. Dara didn't know much about how Nemma processed things. There was a fear that appeared in Dara's head. She was afraid of not getting support, she was afraid that her heart would be hurt again.

That night, Dara sat alone in her backyard. The sky was slightly cloudy, the shining stars were not visible in the dark night sky. Dara looked at the vast sky with a little fear. The sky is so wide. The clouds look dark and big. Dara wants to see it. An extraordinary natural phenomenon that she had often neglected all this time due to her busy schedule. But Dara realized that she couldn't look at the night sky for too long. She felt small, she could not bear to look at the vast night sky alone.

Finally, Dara looked away. She pondered and thought about what she might face next. Dara begins her new journey by trying to understand what she is feeling. She wanted to face her feelings this time. She didn't want to run straight away like she used to. She want to take the pain away. She was afraid of repeating the same mistake.

Dara did not know when exactly in this last two years, she began to feel a great shock in her heart. Feelings of sadness, confusion, disappointment, pain, guilt, all mixed filled her heart. Dara sometimes feels that no one is listening to her. Her words are considered wrong, her attitude is considered wrong, until she even thinks it might be right that she is wrong. She'd been in a position where she was so confused about which one to believe, she seemed to have lost her way. She couldn't seem to believe her own mind.

Dara forced her brain to work when her state of mind was not clear. Because she managed to get a pretty good output several times even though she forced herself to work. Even though in the process of doing it she was uncomfortable, the job was still done. She was finally starting to get used to such unhealthy dynamics of life like that.

Dara was so busy when she was still working, that she felt she didn't have much opportunity to understand herself. Now she's trying to remember how she felt before. She often felt weak and tired. Even after just eating she felt tired. Her digestion was often have trouble, she felt bloated and uncomfortable pain in her stomach. She also often loses concentration and her mind goes blank for a while without her realizing it.

Dara is aware that she accepts responsibility beyond her limits. Her head was a mess, her mind wasn't clear, she even insisted on accepting the responsibility even though she wasn't at her best. Dara had not yet realized that she was also putting too much pressure on herself. Even tonight, she was still blaming herself too hard. Blame her stupidity. Blaming her inability to make decisions. Dara is really depressed. Her chest felt tight. Dara did not know what she would do after this. All she knows is that she wants to survive and move on.

***

Dara finally felt the time of not having a job. No one asked her to do anything anymore, she had no responsibility to anyone. But that doesn't mean her heart doesn't feel any burden. The weight on her shoulders didn't go away. She was still training herself to learn to rest.

That night, she and Nemma had dinner together. As usual there wasn't much noise other than the clinking of spoons against glass plates as they ate. Dara dared to speak and said that she was no longer working.

"Tity." Dara waited for Nemma to notice her before she continued speaking. "I'm not working anymore now."

For a moment Nemma didn't say anything, making things quite awkward. But Dara was already somewhat used to the silence between them that often happened.

"Since when?"

"Starting today. I don't feel comfortable working there." Dara has prepared an answer if Nemma asks about her reason for leaving her job. But she decided to say it before Nemma could ask.

Nemma seemed to be listening and did not object to Dara's brief explanation. "Okay, the work isn't just there. You can find another job later."

Dara smiled briefly. Dara tries to lighten the mood by asking what household chores she can do to help Nemma.

"I rarely clean the backyard. You can start from there."

Dara nodded briefly in response. Then they fell silent again. Dara wanted to tell everything that she experienced while at the office. But Dara did not dare to do so. Her mouth was mute. She doesn't know what's holding it back. She didn't really understand herself either.

Her mind was difficult to analyze and understand what was happening to her. Dara thought that Nemma was not an easy person to talk to. She is also not very good at expressing her feelings of pain. She hardly ever shared the pain she felt with anyone, not to her late mother or grandfather.

The following days, Nemma has the main task of cooking, while Dara cleans the house. They still buy groceries online. All arrangements in the house are done by Nemma, including financial matters as well as food management. Dara just followed and tried to help. They also never talk about their current financial condition. Dara just said that she can no longer give Nemma monthly money because she doesn't have much savings or income now.

"There is still money saved by your father and Grandpa. We can still survive," said Nemma to Dara.

As usual, Dara couldn't guess how Nemma felt when she spoke to her. Dara also did not ask much. She was just trying to survive and fight the downturn she felt, against the discomfort she felt and the pain that she still remembers.

If Dara was honest with herself, she didn't really know what to do. She was just trying to keep breathing. She still feels longing for her family, and loneliness is also clearly haunting her. What Dara knows, she doesn't want to stop, even though she doesn't understand much about her life.

Dara wants to survive until the end. She didn't want to end her own life. She wanted to keep moving until she couldn't move anymore. Until her time in this world runs out. Dara feels that every day she learns a new lesson. There is guidance given by God in her heart. She does feel pain sometimes. But the sense that she wanted to survive was also great. She wanted to know what God was planning for her. She wanted to know what her life would be like. To find out, she needed to survive.

Dara believes, even though she has no way out now, even though she doesn't know what to do now, she chooses not to stop. She doesn't know what's best for her life. She couldn't imagine what tomorrow would be like. She really wanted to know what else would happen in her life.

Dara has faith and hope. She chose to defend against her urge to give up. She was sure that even though she didn't understand now, she would continue to discover new things in her life as long as she chose not to stop. If she chooses to survive, there is a chance that she will win, there is a possibility that she will find happiness, there is a possibility that she will find the deep meaning of life.

In the midst of her contemplation of life, she came back to her senses to see what she was dealing now. She tried to evaluate what had happened in her life. Starting from how she manages finances to how she manages her time. She used to think it would be easy. She saw Nemma very extravagant and busy when she was still working. Dara is sure that she will not do the same. In fact, she also has difficulty managing her finances or her time.

Her busyness made Dara unable to think much. She didn't really understand what money meant. He didn't think much of it. It is good that life is not too blinded by wealth, but Dara's life is also not balanced because she tends not to care about wealth. She doesn't manage well what she gets. Dara is still blaming herself for what happened.

Dara also did not think about her health. She does not pay attention to nutritional intake, lifestyle, and also the quality of her life. She forgot that maintaining health is part of being grateful for her life. But what happened during the 2 years she worked, she even forgot to live slowly, ate in a hurry, left her stomach empty all day, and also she forgot to get enough rest. Dara realizes that her life is very chaotic.

However, after she stopped working, Dara couldn't fix it all right away. She was used to live with a messy lifestyle. She hasn't been able to sleep well at night. When she had a lot on her mind, she couldn't get used to procrastinating. She was used to forcing herself to do something.

As Dara started helping with the chores, she also realized that over the past two years she had forgotten about Nemma a lot. She was too busy with her own busyness and pain. Chores is also not an easy job. She became aware that her late mother and grandmother had sacrificed a lot for the family. Dara feels the need to thank the people who have helped her in her life.

***

Days passed again. Day turns to night, night turns to day. Dara still hasn't felt a big change in her life. But she was already starting to feel the weight on her shoulders starting to lighten. Little by little the pain began to be forgotten. Her heart began to heal. She wasn't having too much trouble sleeping now.

Even so, Dara still doesn't want to work. She still felt tired and exhausted. She tried to open her laptop, open the code she had made. But she couldn't do anything. Her mind was saturated and full. In fact, she used to really like the activity. She had a hard time describing her feelings. She did still feel pressured every time she started trying to move again.

Now the food supply in their house is running low. Their food portions have started to decrease. Dara didn't ask Nemma much. She could understand Nemma was starting to make savings. But in the days that followed, Nemma began to enjoy making fun of her.

Subtle innuendos that were not directly said to Dara but she could clearly hear. Just as that morning Dara was cleaning their living room, Nemma who was cooking accidentally dropped their groceries. Dara had intended to help groceries, but she was stopped in her tracks when Nemma started to grumble.

"My life is very difficult right now. No food. No money, no one to work." Dara didn't know whether Nemma was deliberately raising her voice so that Dara could hear her words or not. What Dara knew, her heart ached enough to hear those words.

Dara woke up in the middle of the night wanting to go to the toilet. She passed the kitchen as well as Nemma's room. Dara heard clearly Nemma was on the phone with her friend Bella.

"Dara and I were smart students when we were in school. Even Dara was the best graduate, but she can only sleep now. Her body is still healthy but she can't work."

Dara stopped in her tracks. She regretted hearing Nemma's words. She shut her ears tightly and immediately returned to her room. She loves Nemma. She also felt Nemma's love even though it was almost never spoken to her. She could understand Nemma had high hopes for her.

She was angry with Nemma. Dara asked herself, why was Nemma able to say that? But Dara is more used to blaming herself. Her tears were hard to fall. Yet her heart ached. Her heart was frozen, unable to express her emotions anymore.

Dara didn't want to hear anything Nemma had to say about her. She didn't want to know what Nemma thought of her. She was afraid that she would feel like a failure and find it difficult to get up. She still could not demand Nemma to back her up at this point. But Dara didn't want Nemma to make her feel even worse.

The next night, Dara again hears Nemma talking to Bella over the phone. She shut her ears tightly. This time Nemma spoke in the living room which was clearly heard from Dara's room. It was already midnight, but didn't Nemma try to be careful so that Dara wouldn't hear her conversation? Or did Nemma want Dara to hear everything she said?

No matter how hard Dara covered her ears, she could still hear some of Nemma's words. "If I could still work, Bel, I want to have a lot of money. I don't know when I can recover. I can't go to therapy now."

Dara felt herself down. Without hearing Nemma's words, Dara also realized, she really felt herself suck. She's the best graduate, she's pretty good at her job, but she's slumped like this. Dara did not know which pain hurt her more. Was it the fact that she was falling or the fact that there was no one to support heher

In the next days, Dara understood more and more what Nemma was thinking. Nemma is afraid of poverty. She had experienced it long before Dara was born. She remembered that her grandfather had said that her family was lacking enough to raise Nemma. But now as a result, Nemma had become too frugal. Their food rations became very little. Not only was Nemma careful about money management now, but she was starting to tend to be quite stingy too. Dara felt that she no longer had the power to take food from the house without Nemma's approval.

If Nemma is afraid of poverty, Dara also experiences psychological changes in her. She was afraid of being hurt. She became less out of the room and she started turning off her cell phone frequently. She doesn't want to communicate with other people. She was afraid of getting hurt. She avoided them all. Although not many of her friends still contact her. But Dara was too scared. She didn't even want to talk to Zaskia and started avoiding her. Dara becomes sensitive. The little things that her friend said could really hurt her.

However, she couldn't avoid Nemma. For the first time, Dara wanted to leave the house. She wanted to leave Nemma and all the memories in it. But Dara couldn't do it. She didn't even know what to do after this, other than trying to survive.

Nemma didn't hurt her physically. She also did not scold Dara or curse her. But every time Dara heard her speak, her words sounded piercing. Nemma also continues to take care of Dara. She washed Dara's clothes, made her food. But Nemma also continues to hurt her.

Dara began to realize what she needed more. Dara thinks that affection can be expressed in a simple way. If she can't afford to give something to the person she cares about, at least she's trying not to hurt. Dara is aware that no human is perfect. The pain she can often receive from humans who are prone to mistakes. Dara is also not perfect. She also makes mistakes, she can also hurt people.

Even though Dara will still make mistakes, she doesn't want to do it on purpose. She also doesn't want to hurt the people she cares about, although she might still do it. She wants to understand the people she cares about. What Dara doubts, does Nemma care about her feelings? Does Nemma regret what she did when she hurt Dara? Did Nemma think she was wrong? Does Nemma want Dara to be happy?

Dara realized that Nemma couldn't always please her. Dara realizes that humans are full of limitations, including Nemma. But Dara wants to know, does Nemma not know how to make Dara happy or does Nemma even don't care about Dara's happiness? The questions were ringing in her head. She felt alone. She felt the emptiness and pain of loneliness.

***

Dara sometimes feels guilty for the bad thoughts she has on Nemma. Nemma took good care of her. She tried to take the place of her mother and grandmother. It's just that behind it all, her demands on Dara are also enough to make her depressed. Considering that Dara is already known to be the smartest in her family, Dara has been the family's hope for a long time. Dara entered one of the best colleges and even became the best graduate there.

Dara is at a loss for words to explain how she feels about her family now. They were alone. That morning Nemma made her Dara's favorite fruit salad. After making big savings, Nemma still set aside money to make Dara's favorite food.

"This is my favorite, thanks Tity," said Dara, unable to hide her happiness.

"Yeah, enjoy the food," said Nemma flatly, but Dara could see the look on her face was shining unlike usual.

Dara did not ask what made Nemma make food that Dara tasted luxurious compared to the previous days. Dara didn't want to ruin her happiness that day. She focused herself on eating her favorite food again after a long time. Dara also needs to admit that Nemma is good at cooking. Even though they were having financial difficulties, they were able to eat well. Thanks to Nemma's cooking skills.

After eating well, Dara is more enthusiastic about cleaning the house. The mood is better. Dara cleans every corner of the house from dust even in every covered spot though. As she rested in the backyard alone, Dara thought she really wanted to talk about how she felt for Nemma.

Dara wants to say that she feels tired and has not been able to work. She wanted to apologize for not being able to help their family financially now. Dara just wants to rest for a while, she doesn't want to stop completely. Dara didn't know if what she was thinking was true or not. What Dara understands is that she really still feels burnt out and she feels unable to force herself to go back to work.

***

Dara felt her mouth was a bit stiff because she rarely spoke lately. In a day, she only spoke a sentence or two. It's hard to find warmth in her house now. Dara wanted to talk to Nemma, the only member of her closest family. But when Dara wants to try, Nemma is more interested in her cellphone than Dara.

Dara is not close to her mother's family. After her mother's death, she never communicated with them again. Dara hesitated to contact them. Dara was a little aware of her shortcomings for a long time. It is not easy for her to get close to other people. She wasn't used to it. Now the situation is even more difficult. Dara feels herself more sensitive and more afraid of being hurt by others. She had a hard time accepting rejection, which made her even more reluctant to try to blend in.

Dara realizes that humans cannot be required to continuously understand her. But she was having a hard time accepting the situation. She really wanted to rest her heart from the pain she was feeling. She is tired of being ignored, tired of being demanded to understand others, while she is ignored. She thought that if she communicated with other people a lot, there was a chance that they would hurt her. But Dara forgets that living alone is also not fun. There was another pain that she was not aware of growing in her heart. It was a lonely that was hard to describe.

Dara also began to notice that Nemma's moods were volatile. Sometimes she is kind, sometimes she silences Dara for no reason. Dara often had a hard time guessing what else she had done wrong, which made Nemma's mood worse. That morning, after breakfast, Dara cleaned the kitchen and the entire floor of the house. Nemma suddenly snapped at her quite loudly. It was the first time Nemma had spoken rudely to Dara and sadly it wouldn't be the last. Even though at breakfast everything went as usual.

"You don't really think about it, right? You can mop the floor later this afternoon. There's a puddle near the door that could make people fall," said Nemma half-snarled.

Dara wanted to answer and defend herself. But as usual her mouth was locked. Nemma then left without waiting for Dara to respond. Dara's heart aches of course. She had never been treated like that by her family. Her tears were still hard to fall. Dara just stood there and continued her work.

Nemma feels guilty sometimes. After she was rude to Dara, in the afternoon she made her a delicious meal. No apologies from her mouth. Even though the atmosphere was so awkward, Dara tried not to add to the mess by trying to act mature and forget about Nemma's bad behavior towards her. Although sometimes she wanted to scream and express all the annoyance she felt to Nemma. But she remembered what she had pondered earlier, that it was important for her to try to restrain herself when emotions overtook her.

Meanwhile, their family's financial condition is getting worse. Nemma's mood was also more volatile. Dara tried to understand how Nemma felt. But Dara is afraid that she will finally give up on giving in to her. Dara doesn't want to lose the only remaining member of her family. Dara held back her anger, but she continued to feel the pain. She didn't realize that every day it hurt her more and more.

***

Even though Dara wants to leave the house and live separately from Nemma, Dara doesn't want to leave Nemma at all. She just wanted to live apart from her. Dara didn't want to forget Nemma. She loves Nemma, she wanted to understand Nemma. If she could live with Nemma, of course she would want to live with her.

Dara wanted to give what she could give to Nemma. Although she is often reluctant to talk to or interact with Nemma, Dara doesn't want to lose Nemma. She is grateful that she still has family members living with her now. Dara sometimes does not understand what she is feeling, she only knows that she often feels pain when she hears Nemma pour out her heart.

Dara still didn't know if Nemma did that on purpose or not. But Dara felt that Nemma was not trying hard so that Dara would not hear her scolding. Dara is increasingly convinced that humans need to train themselves to control their emotions. When she is angry, upset, and wants to express what is in her heart, Dara needs to learn to hold back and consider whether people who hear her words will feel hurt or not.

Night is Dara's favorite time. She was still numb as she looked up at the night sky. She also still couldn't bear to look at wide night sky for long alone. Dara sat alone in the backyard after Nemma entered her room. She was far enough from Nemma's room that she was pretty sure she wouldn't hear Nemma's voice if she talked to Bella over the phone.

Dara doesn't hear much sound every night she passes. The darker the night, the less human activity can be heard. Dara tried to train herself to rest. Relax her muscles and try to calm herself down by learning to do nothing. Even though she didn't move, her head continued to think. She pondered and tried to remember her past. Long before she worked.

Dara wants to understand Nemma. There are many things Dara doesn't know about her. She remembered Grandpa often telling her about Nemma's childhood. Nemma is quiet. Nemma didn't have many friends. Grandpa also once said that as a child, Nemma had been a victim of bullying. But Grandpa did not tell the details of what happened to Nemma. Grandpa didn't know much about it either. Grandpa only knew that Nemma was the victim of bullying because her school teacher reported it. Nemma is very secretive and it is difficult to express her feelings.

Nemma is quite far apart in age with Toni, Dara's father. Nemma is not close to Toni. Nemma wasn't very close to Grandpa or Grandma either. Dara was born when Nemma was growing up. Grandpa had told Dara that since then, Nemma had become increasingly distant from them. Maybe Dara's presence really made the attention of Grandpa and Grandma divided from her.

After Grandpa stopped working, their family's financial condition only relied on Toni who worked as a taxi driver. Nemma is a gifted child, but she cannot develop her talents due to economic reasons. Nemma began to often disagree with Grandma. Sensitive Grandma does not easily understand Nemma who is cold, stiff, and sometimes rude. Nemma felt that her parents did not understand her and felt that her wishes did not get enough support from them.

Nemma is good at sports and is also good at playing music at school. Even Nemma can sing well too. Dara doesn't know if Nemma ever had a dream of becoming a singer, musician or athlete. What Dara remembers is that Nemma is also smart at school. She also entered one of the best colleges and her career was also quite good before the accident happened.

Dara empathizes with what is happening in Nemma's life. But Dara also needs to admit that she also feels that Nemma grew up to be a cold, sensitive, and sometimes annoying person. Although she has an aunt who is not too far from her in age, Dara rarely feels warmth from her.

Dara and Nemma rarely play together like friends. They used to study together, but ever since Nemma went to college, the distance between them had become more and more pronounced. Maybe Dara also needs to admit that sometimes Nemma shows her jealousy. Dara doesn't blame it, Dara does get more attention from her family.

However, Dara knew enough that her father, mother, grandmother, and grandfather also loves Nemma very much. They tried to understand Nemma, but it was sometimes difficult to do. Nemma wasn't the typical opened child, but she wasn't independent either. Grandma makes things too easy.

Nemma was rarely asked to help with household chores. Dara is also actually very pampered. However, Dara chose to learn to do household chores because by doing so she could have moments of togetherness with her grandmother and mother. Dara is happy and grateful that Nemma is starting to change now. Dara is aware that Nemma replaces the roles of her grandmother and mother well.

There were many bad things Dara wanted to forget about Nemma. However, she didn't want to bring up the pain. Nemma can be so irritable sometimes. Dara is often afraid of saying the wrong thing or being wrong to her. Nemma and Grandma's quarrel a few years ago about Grandma's wedding ring, made Dara learn a lot about Nemma. Nemma is sometimes too selfish to understand other people's feelings.

Dara's entire family is almost always on time. But with Nemma, Dara felt the pressure. If she has an appointment to pick her up or do something for her, Dara is very afraid of making a mistake because she is afraid that her negligence will be rewarded with pain by Nemma. Dara realizes that she needs to learn to refrain from getting angry or hurting the person who wronged her, especially if the mistake was unintentional.

Dara knew she often annoyed Nemma with her carelessness or slowness. Especially when she was still working. At the time she was still having trouble managing the time she had. She really didn't want to keep Nemma waiting or bothering her. Dara is just an ordinary human. She's not perfect. Sometimes she also wants to be understood when she can't satisfy other people. Dara was so afraid of Nemma, she couldn't even make an apology if Nemma started to silence her.

Dara sometimes thinks, is it good if she only be nice to someone when that person is in her favor? When people make mistakes, they annoy her or they are no use for her, does that make her hurting and ignoring them? Do people have the right to be mean to others when that person is weak and has no power?

Dara felt that she was not understood by Nemma, and Dara didn't understand much of Nemma either. Dara did not know whether there was a difference between the two conditions. Dara didn't know if Nemma wants to understand Dara as much as Dara wants to understand Nemma. Dara sometimes seems to be forced to accept Nemma's condition when she is bad to her. But when Dara made a mistake, it was clear that everything was different.

It was quite late at night. Dara did not want to move from her seat. The cold night wind had already frozen her fingers. She had to get into the house immediately. She was shivering quite a bit. Dara forgot to wear thicker clothes. Dara was too used to forgetting her own health. She didn't deny that she ignored the cold wind that pierced her skin. She wanted to feel the freezing. She realized she had hurt herself. She hoped the pain She was feeling would distract Her from the loneliness that haunted her. But the loneliness was not replaced by the pain she just felt.

***

The week has changed again. Now Dara felt her stomach growl. She had only eaten half a packet of instant noodles and a little rice that day. Her mouth is a little sour. She felt hungry, but the feeling didn't bother her too much. Her body was weak, but she still felt fine. She wanted to eat her favorite hot soup and stir-fried prawns. She only briefly imagined it. She was old enough not to whine for something she couldn't get.

There is no more money left in Dara's account. Nemma spent the day alone in her room. Nemma didn't talk to her either. Their money was completely gone. Dara was eager to discuss what they can do next to overcome the financial problems they are facing. But it was so hard to talk to Nemma. Nemma just did what she wanted to do. The worst thing is that Dara feels alone.

Dara just felt how Nemma really was someone she couldn't understand. Sometimes it's like Nemma doesn't like Dara, but Dara knows that's not true. Nemma just couldn't express her feelings. But Dara was getting annoyed too. She wanted to be able to talk things with Nemma, but it's so hard. Nemma was really hard to talk to.

With her empty stomach, Dara tried to think of what she should do. Looking for freelance work that she can do. The head was a little heavy. Sweat also started dripping from her forehead. Dara tried to strengthen herself. It seems a little difficult to concentrate on an empty stomach. She tried to fill her stomach by drinking a lot of water. Dara forgot to distinguish between fullness and bloating due to water.

The next day, she didn't know where money came from. Looks like Nemme borrowed from her friend Bella. They could eat again. Dara was eating in her room following Nemma who has been doing this for the past few days. They seem hostile when they don't talk much to each other. Dara feels uncomfortable, but she didn't know how to fix her relationship with Nemma. She was getting tired.

Dara did not know how to try. Dara also wants to go back to work. Dara really still feels traumatized. She couldn't. She wanted to be allowed to rest for a moment, try to brace herself, before she started her journey again.

***

Although Dara was still tired, she applied job to several companies. She really didn't know if she could work again or not. Dara felt she didn't have much choice. Economic demands and the pressure she felt had forced her to move. Day after day Dara waited, none of the companies contacted her. None. Dara felt herself weak, she felt helpless. Unknowingly she was afraid of trying to find another job, she was afraid of rejection. She still couldn't manage her feelings.

While at home, Dara still felt a lot of discomfort. She felt down. The situation there seemed to be asking her to hurry to get up and move immediately. Dara wanted it too. Dara also didn't want to live like that. But Dara felt unable. She didn't know what to do anymore. She felt lonely and no one understands her. Dara increasingly realized that she did not like the pain she felt.

In the midst of her slump, Dara received a message from Zaskia. Her office offered her another job. Dara was worried. She knows how her office is. How she felt discomfort there. But if she accepts it she can be free from the poverty and oppression that she feels. Dara started to think and asked herself, which pain could she endure more?

She didn't tell Nemma about the offer from her office. Dara felt she really couldn't go back there. Too painful. Dara chose to stay at home with the possibility of pain that Dara thought she could tolerate.

***

That night, Dara didn't know how many nights she spent with a heavy feeling in her heart. The nights that felt the same. Most of the time she couldn't remember the day and the date. Dara was quite tired because that day she cleaned her backyard. She was indeed tired but her body felt more comfortable after moving around a lot. She thought she could sleep well that night, but again she was wrong.

Nemma's voice who was chatting with Bella was heard again from Dara's room. This time they made a video call. Dara heard all their conversations clearly. Dara found out the reason Nemma uses the family's living room to make calls was because the wifi signal was not very good in her room.

Dara couldn't take her eyes off the conversation. Moreover, the longer their voices get louder. It seems the two of them forgetting to control the volume of their voices.

"Yes, indeed, GenZ always needs healing, personal space," said Nemma. Nemma didn't say who she was referring to. However, Dara, who feels that she is the only GenZ in the house, feels insinuated.

"That's right, even though their lives are better than ours. Very easy access to technology."

"They need personal space and can't be forced to move. Their mental health needs attention," said Nemma in a mocking tone.

Then they laughed with amusement while continuing to show off the suffering they had experienced, as if the one who suffered the most was the winner. They show each other their ability to survive. Dara didn't want to hear it. But Dara had a hard time focusing her attention on other things.

"It's still better to be a graduate, there are many out there who can't go to school. It's so easy for them to say, it hurt, I don't want to move to work anymore," Nemma imitated the voice of a spoiled child. "I used to look for work here and there, not in the internet age like now. Now finding work is easy."

"That's right. When I went to college, it was really hard, I had to work in a restaurant, cakes shop, do all kinds of jobs. Until I finally get to work in an office, it's hard for me to endure it." Bella seemed excited to share her experience.

"I also used to save money as much as when I was in college. I buy used books and almost never buy new clothes."

"You're still better off buying second-hand ones, it's hard for me to eat. My parents are gone."

"Who said it's better, I also struggle, our family is 6 people. The only one working is my brother."

"You're still better, your brother was working, we only live with my grandfather's retirement money."

"Yes, but look at my condition now, I also don't have parents. I also lost my brother. I'm still having a hard time walking now." Nemma still didn't want to lose.

"Yeah, if you look at it now, I'm also alone. I don't have anyone. Now my salary is only half of what I used to get."

"You'd better still have a salary."

They continued to compete to find who was stronger to withstand the pain of the life they are going through. Meanwhile, Dara finally put on her headset. She listened to anything that would cover her ears so she couldn't hear the conversation. But it could not close Dara's mind.

Her mind drifted. Dara thought, can't people feel pain? Should people not feel tired just because other people are more tired than themselves? She thought, even if people just get splashed by the waiter at the cafe, she should still try to empathize with her. She didn't need to compare that person to the person who was hit by the flood.

Dara asked herself if she deserved to say something like this, "You don't have to be upset, don't be annoyed, don't be sad. It's still better you just get splashed, I've been hit by a flood."

There are those who fall and continue to be in pain, do we compare them with people who have an accident? Why should you belittle the pain of others? Dara feels, in this life, humans do not need to compare the pain they experience.

Even if we can endure pain better, do we need to boast about it by belittling others who still can't stand it? If there are people who are tired of carrying 1 bucket of water, while she has no trouble carrying 2 buckets of water, is she worthy of ridiculing people who have abilities lower than herself?

Dara thought again, is it because she lost her parents, grandmother and grandfather, then she will underestimate the pain of someone who lost a pet? Dara thought, that's not how empathy works. Why don't people just love each other?

Dara did not feel herself suffering the most. She knew countless people felt pain more than she did. But she also felt hurt. Can't she feel it? Dara is not a computer program whose input and output can be adjusted. She is a human who has complex mechanisms, consciousness, and feelings.

After almost 1 hour of wearing the headset, Dara finally took it off. Nemma and Bella were still talking. But now they were giggling more and the topic of their conversation had changed. Dara opened her bedroom window. Looking up at the dark sky and the big black clouds that she often dreaded. But this time she looked at it closely. Dara was afraid, but her heart seemed to want to divert the pain she was feeling with that fear. She couldn't fight back. She didn't know if Nemma's words were directed at het or not. But Dara came to know what Nemma was thinking.

Dara felt weak. Although she understands the theory of how she needs to empathize, she is also indecisive and questions her beliefs. Is it true that she shouldn't be sad? Is it true that she is too spoiled to keep silent? Dara felt a heavy burden pressing on her. She can still eat, het body is healthy, and she is indeed grateful for that condition. Dara also did not want to give up.

Dara has a hard time understanding herself, she can understand if other people have a hard time doing it too. Again Dara blamed herself. She started to think, was the pain she chose wrong? Should she choose pain in her office? Rather than she has to accept this all from the person she loves, Nemma. It hurts more.

She was so disappointed. She hoped Nemma would understand. She hoped Nemma wouldn't hurt her. Dara felt her heart become more and more fragile when she began to hope in humans. She realized that humans have many shortcomings. Humans sometimes haven't learned much and can hurt her. She sensed that Nemma loves her. But Nemma could go easy on her. Dara couldn't give the key of her happiness to another human who was as weak as she was.

Likewise with Dara, she also has many weaknesses. She realized she wasn't perfect either. She also has flaws, how can she demand others to be perfect? When it comes to shortcomings, Dara also has a long list that notes what her weaknesses are. Humans also have different standards and perceptions. Sometimes for her one action only irritated her a little, but for others it could make them angry. Dara feels that we can't make other people feel the same as she does. She couldn't force other people to think the same way.

Dara doesn't like stingy and calculating people, but for some people she might okey with it. Dara became aware that she needed to learn not to force her will. But Dara forgot one thing, she was too hard to force her will on herself. She forced herself to understand other people. It's not wrong, but Dara forgot, understanding that person is different from letting other people hurt her. Understanding and not demanding others is good, but that doesn't mean she justifies the wrong behavior that other people have done to her. She was too hard on herself. Dara still can't have the awareness to love herself. She hasn't learned much not to press herself too much.

***