Set 35

The Solider and the officer

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.

"You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised.

"Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, the officer lost his temper, "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" yelled the officer.

"Sex with me, sir."

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Viagra gone wrong a diary of a women

Dear Diary,

We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood..

Day 5

What absolute bliss!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found manhood.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him.. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9

No time to write.. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it.. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Jack Daniels whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes.

I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

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Two friends and there sexual experience

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

*At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!