Chapter 12: Shib i ♡

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Jungkook was ashamed of himself. His hand was shaking as he placed the cigarette in between his lips but he tried to ignore it, his mind flooded by the previous night's memories. It was Yoongi who had told him what kind of atrocities he managed to say to Jimin and his stomach twisted whenever he would recall them, the image of his baby scared and crying because of him running in front of his eyes again and again. He was on his apartment's balcony and the sun was slowly making its entrance, reminding him that he didn't manage to sleep a wink ever since he has been dropped off by his hyungs.

He rubbed his face with both hands and took a deep breath, trying to exhale all the frustration and the regret that have been nesting inside his chest. He hoped Jimin was sleeping; he would have waited for him in front of his and Taehyung's apartment but realised that would have been completely inappropriate and would have made everyone uncomfortable. He was going crazy with presumptions, he wanted to apologise and talk things through as soon as possible but he wasn't going to force Jimin in a conversation he wasn't feeling ready for.

He has been an idiot but he was selfish enough to want to make things better.

Jimin watched as Taehyung poured milk over his cornflakes and placed the bowl in front of him before sitting down beside him. Familiar warmth wrapped around him as he was enveloped into a tight hug and Tae rested his head on his shoulder. He smiled at the sweet gesture and kissed the top of the grey head while murmuring a raspy "thank you".

It was the first time he was refusing to open up to his best friend but he knew it was for the best because he wanted not to form a biased opinion about what happened. It was 9 AM but his body was aching as if he didn't sleep like the dead for hours, his eyes puffy and stinging from the many tears he has shed. He didn't even bother to tend for his cuts, he simply threw a shirt on and decided it was wiser to ignore them, just like he did with his phone. It was selfish of him but he didn't want to check on any of the messages he received from Jungkook.

"I can skip today." Taehyung said, his voice calm and compassionate. "We can watch Disney movies and eat sweets until you feel better and we get cavities." Jimin grinned weakly at the tempting offer but had to refuse, knowing he couldn't intervene in his soulmate's routine.

His cereals got soggy before he managed to take a spoonful for Tae's sake and he returned to his bedroom, scooping Bunny up on the way. The cat seemed to sense his distress because he was spending a lot of time rubbing against his feet as if he was trying to cheer him up. It was unexpectedly comforting to have a little being curled beside you so he didn't protest when Bunny jumped on his bed and made himself comfortable on top of his octopus plushie. Something pulled at his heart when his eyes landed on the pink toy so he sighed and lied down on his side, closing his eyes in the process.

Jungkook made a mistake, he was aware that wasn't the end of the world. What hurt the most was the idea that he never thought his Dom capable of talking to him like that; he was fearing those were the tattoo artist's real feelings and he needed Jimin to do something bad for them to surface.

Cut that shit.

He tried to focus on his breathing, trying not to lose control of his feelings until he heard his bedroom's door opening. Taehyung came to tell him that he was going to hurry back home once he was done with his classes.

He had no idea how much time he spent like that but he snapped out of it once he heard his phone buzzing yet again. He blindly searched for it with his hands and felt his heartbeat increasing in pace when the lockscreen lit, informing him that it was already an hour past noon. He had a 3 missed calls and 6 new messages – all from Jungkook. He tapped on the little yellow envelope and felt his pulse becoming deafening as he scrolled through the texts.

From: Jungkookie

I'm so sorry

I'm ashamed of myself for putting you through all of that.

Could we please meet? I would like to properly apologise to you

Please let me know that you're alright. I'm so worried, baby.

I'll respect your decision, no matter what you choose to do regarding our relationship.

He smiled faintly at the sweet reassurance. He was aware that Jungkook would never harass him if he chose to end everything between them. They have both been in the wrong and they had a lot of things they needed to discuss if they wanted their relationship to continue.

To: Jungkookie

Dinner?

The answer came right away so they established to meet in a few hours in one of the student's favourite bistros that was not popular enough to be crowded and make them feel uncomfortable. He took a long bath in order to wash away the anxiety and dressed some of the most comfortable clothes he owned, knowing that nothing would help his swollen face anyway. He was not trying to make Jungkook feel bad but he wanted to be fair and not to pretend that he was not affected by what happened.

He knew the elder was sincerely regretting what happened and the confirmation came in the form of Jungkook's pale figure. The tattoo artist looked absolutely exhausted and even like that Jimin couldn't deny that he was drop-dead gorgeous, his eyes becoming lively as soon as he met cinnamon orbs.

"Hi." His voice sounded strangled so he cleared his throat before the student mirrored his greeting.

It was strange what difference 24 hours could make. A night before they were happier than ever and now the younger could barely stand to look into the other's eyes for more than a few seconds. Jimin decided touches were forbidden on his side, sure that he needed to keep his mind clear and speak about everything he's felt during the past day.

They occupied the most secluded table and ordered their drinks before pretending to be busy looking for the dishes they desired. The pink-haired boy decided on risotto and closed the menu, taking the opportunity to study Jungkook's figure once again. He seemed to be at least half as affected by the events as he was.

"I want to apologise." The tattoo artist said as soon as they placed the order and the waiter disappeared. "I have no excuse, I've acted terribly and I'm so sorry for hurting you so bad. I didn't mean a word I said."

"I know that, it's okay." Jimin replied, his fingers fumbling with the curly straw of his orange juice.

"It's not. I shouldn't have been so impulsive, I said a lot of words I regret and I should have taken your anxiety in consideration, it was not fair of me to expect so much of you." He was aware that there were times in which his boyfriend couldn't do things that for others seemed "simple" and he was very disappointed in himself for forgetting how much Jimin was struggling on a daily basis.

"I don't like BDSM parties." The words came out as a whisper. "I don't think I want to attend one ever again. I should have been honest from the start." Now he was sure he couldn't face that kind of situation again, he didn't want to.

"Okay."

"But that's not why I wanted to leave so suddenly last night." Jungkook's eyes widened in concentration, obviously trying not to miss any piece of information. "I saw Daeshim." The man tensed at the sound of his boyfriend's previous dom's name, his jaw clenching in distress. "I didn't want to be near him."

"Fuck." Jungkook ran his hands through his hair in concern – he has been a fool, acting without offering his boyfriend the chance to explain the situation. He failed at making him feel safe. He wanted to apologise again but Jimin spoke before he had the chance to open his mouth.

"There has been something on my mind ever since." There was a sort of vulnerability in the way the student spoke. "I think we should go back to the traditional Dom/sub relationship." Cinnamon eyes filled with the tears at the suggestion and Jungkook's first instinct was to place his hand on top of the one that was already resting on the table.

"You are not a submissive, baby." He said, almost pleading.

"You don't want a little, Jungkookie."

"I want you." The tattoo artist said a bit too loudly and watched as the smaller boy shook his head in disbelief.

"You don't get it." Jimin whispered, his tears threatening to spill. "It's not play pretend for me. I can't cut it, there's no switch."

That was the exact moment when the tattoo artist understood how much he fucked up their relationship. His baby thought he wasn't aware of what little space was and the thought was powerful enough to make him regret ever opening up to Jungkook. It was probably confusing because the elder was the one to suggest Ddlb in the first place and he could remember that one time when Jimin told him that kind of relationship was ideal. He has been doubtful from the start that he could "give so little" and receive so much but Jungkook has been doing his best to prove him that their relationship could bloom beautifully in that direction.

"I know that, Min." His fingers slowly grabbed shorter ones, the action making the boy flinch. "I know Daddy fucked up but that doesn't mean everything that happened before has been erased." It was unfair of him to use the Dom card but he could see Jimin reacting to his words, his nose turning rosy as he sniffled once. The boy was craving to be little after going through such stressful hours.

"But y-you don't understand. You told me to cut it –"

"I love little Min and big Min just as much, I would never ask you to stop being yourself. I love everything about my baby boy." The pink-haired boy was slipping and he looked scared so he broke the contact by withdrawing his hand and placing it on his lap.

"I don't know..."

Jungkook felt a familiar pressure inside his chest so he straightened his back as he spotted the waiter coming back to hear what they've decided. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed.

"It's okay if you want to take a break or to put an end to our relationship." The tattoo artist finally voiced his thoughts, his eyebrows furrowed because of the pain the words caused him. He wished Jimin wouldn't, he wished he would be given a second chance because he was human and he was capable of fixing his mistakes.

"I never said that." The student seemed alarmed, brown eyes looking for support. "I'm just hurt and confused. I might not be what you need, Daddy and I d-don't want to be hurt by you." Jungkook felt his heart breaking inside his heart when teardrops finally began rolling down a pale face. "I'm scared."

The elder was thankful that the food hasn't arrived yet because he had the chance to lean over the table and reach for one of the other's wet cheeks. He hated to see his baby crying and he couldn't stand to know that he caused all that pain.

"I know I-I broke your trust because I didn't safeword but I just wanted to be good for you. I wanted you to h-have fun but I h-hated being there because you were ignoring m-me."

"Come here, angel." Jungkook encouraged and watched the boy hesitating before finally getting up and circling the table to reach familiar arms. He needed to be guided on the elder's lap and tensed when he found himself there, unsure of how he was supposed to act. "I'm so sorry. You've always been so good for me and I've disappointed you." Jimin felt a wave of sobs crushing his body so he let go, turning the silent crying into the ugly kind, embarrassed by the public display. "It's okay to cry, my sweet sweet boy." The tattoo artist's voice was kind as he guided a pink head in the crook of his neck. "I can't promise you that I will never hurt you again, Minnie. I'm not perfect but I love you more and more every day and I will try my best to make you happy."

"I'm not eno-enough –" Jimin's breathing was getting hitched.

"You are more than enough." He searched for a warm forehead with his lips. "I'm sorry for making you feel like this."

The crying continued even after the waiter came to bring their dishes and Jungkook ignored the strange look they've been given, not having enough energy to face that kind of reaction too. Jimin was limp against his chest, his back arched like a cat's as he continued to sniffle, not having enough courage to look up from his safe place.

"Look at me for a second, kitten." The tattoo artist held a napkin to the smaller boy's nose. "Blow." Jimin complied without a protest, his eyes still swollen and stinging. "Good boy."

"I don't uhm..." His voice was raspy. "I don't want to go back to my seat."

"Is Minmin feeling little?" The boy nodded and hid his face once again. "I think I'll need to feed you then." Jungkook smiled and kissed the top of his head.

They didn't talk almost at all until both their tummies were filled and once that happened, Jimin got up and took his former place, as if he was trying to act cautiously. The truth was, he had no idea what he was supposed to do now that the "date" was over. Maybe it would have been better for them to part and for him to go back home to Taehyung but his heart was aching for more time spent with his boyfriend. He just didn't know how to ask for it.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Jimin shook his head slowly and looked at his intertwined fingers. Jungkook knew too well that expression so he decided he should give it a try. "Would you like to come to my place instead?"

He wasn't surprised when he received an affirmative answer so they paid the bill and headed towards the car only to drive about one hour in complete silence. They knew things couldn't go back to normal at an instant but the younger couldn't help but worry about the state of their relationship. He knew he didn't want to give up on his boyfriend but he had no idea how to act around his Daddy anymore.

The place looked the same and Jimin flinched when the other helped him out of his shoes, only to reveal white socks covered in little blue hearts. He was sure he was looking like a mess so he excused himself and went to the bathroom when Jungkook announced he was going to brew some tea. He washed his puffy face with cold water and took a few moments to tame his hair before joining his boyfriend in the kitchen.

"Honey or sugar?"

"Honey." He whispered and took his favourite seat at the table, stretching like a cat. A simple green cup was placed in front of him and he smiled when he saw that it was mint – his favourite.

"Here you go, baby bee." The tattoo artist sat right beside him and grabbed his feet to place them onto his lap, massaging the aching calves with his talented fingers. "Do you want to spend the night here?" It was a premature question but he wanted honesty and that came in the form of a shy nod.

"Are we okay now?"

The question was innocent and that exactly why the elder decided to reply with a smile. Things couldn't get immediately better because that was not how things worked but he was sure they were on the right track.

"I think we need time to be okay." He leaned so he could kiss a soft cheek. "But that doesn't mean our feelings are not the same."

"You look tired." Jimin whispered and traced the dark circles under the other's eyes with his fingertips. He found out that Jungkook slept a little over a couple of hours and decided it was for the best if they would go to sleep soon, hoping a new day would help them think clearer. They finished drinking their tea and took turns to take showers before changing their clothes and climbing on the bed.

It was clear that the man was cautious not to overstep the boundaries and kept t the touches to the minimum, not having the courage to kiss Jimin on the lips. It was sweet and the latter was grateful that he was not pushed because it was the first time he didn't feel the need for that kind of closeness.

"Jungkookie?" The sound of his name startled the tattoo artist who was on the verge of falling asleep.

"Hm?" Jimin was looking up at him, his head safely rested on top of his chest. A big hand rose to caress the other's back a few times.

"I love you lots." The tattoo artist's head was feeling light because of the tiredness but he managed to ignore the feeling so he could brush the pink-haired boy's cheek lovingly with the back of his hand. It was relieving to hear those three special words as they were the confirmation that they were both going to fight for their relationship.

"I love you too, kitten."

"To Saturn and back?" Jungkook grinned at the question but nodded.

"To Saturn and back."

He woke up as soon as the parquet cracked under calculated steps but he didn't move right away, his mind figuring out that Jimin probably needed to use the bathroom. He stretched and looked at the digital clock that informed him that it was almost four in the morning before rolling in order to rest on his front, his arm numb where his boyfriend's head has been lying. He expected to hear the toilet flush but there was no sound coming from behind the closed door so his mind pushed the panic button, forcing him out of the bed right away.

He didn't want to startle the other so he knocked on the door, his ear close to the old wood. He could swear he heard a muffled sob.

"Jimin?" It sounded like something hit the floor tiles so he tried again. "I'm coming in, baby." He didn't intend to cause more anguish than he suspected so he slowly pressed on the handle.

His worst fear materialised before his eyes – the pink-haired boy was leaning above the sink and beads of red were forming on the surface of his skin, his left hand still holding one brand new razor blade. Jungkook would have wondered how he did find those if he wouldn't have been shocked but he decided to focus on the important things only so he took a shy step towards the other. Unlike what he expected, Jimin's expression was blank.

"Put that down, kitten." He realised his voice was quivering so he gulped, not sure of how he was supposed to act. He didn't want to worsen the situation but he couldn't get over the fact that his boyfriend just self-harmed a few feet away from where he thought he was sleeping. Jimin was fixing his face in the mirror but didn't move so he stepped closer and closer until he reached the trembling body. He was at loss for words so he grabbed the younger's arms with his hands. "Can you put that blade down for me?"

He must have been more affected by the scene than the student because the object was dropped in the sink without a question, blood still surfacing and forming little streams on his wrist.

"Good boy." Jungkook whispered and reached to start the water, setting it so it would be lukewarm.

"It's okay." Jimin finally replied, his voice hoarse but calm as if he registered how overwhelmed the man was by the situation. "I can take care of them." His wrist was guided under the water and he furrowed his brows at the burning sensation before trying to grab the toilet paper.

"No – Take a towel." The tattoo artist decided to take the matter into his own hands and gently patted the wounds before looking through his cabinet for some alcohol and cotton pads. Disinfection was not alien to him; tattoos were sometimes getting infected and he had clients coming back with issues as they didn't tend for their wounds properly but seeing Jimin serenely slitting his skin was completely different and the truth was that he was scared.

"I'm sorry." Jimin whispered and allowed his teeth to stress his lower lip mercilessly. This was not a situation that requested an apology.

"I just –" Jungkook gulped. Has he caused all this pain? He didn't fail to spot the previously-made cuts either and his stomach dropped at the thought that they were the results of his actions. "Why?"

"I couldn't breathe." It was that simple but he was sure the elder couldn't fully understand. Only people who self-harmed could get how addictive it was and how much relief it brought to cause physical pain when your mind was a mess. "I'm sorry."

Jungkook didn't answer because he had no idea how so he continued to clean the cuts. He believed it was smarter to let the wounds breathe so he put some ointment all over them before washing his hands. He was shocked, thoughts struggling to fit inside his skull as his boyfriend stared at his reflection in the mirror, trying to read his expression.

"Jungkookie –"

"Yes, baby?" He was looking at the bubbles of soap forming on his moving hands, not feeling strong enough to search for cinnamon eyes. He jumped startled when he felt a head resting in between his shoulder blades and only then felt the small body behind him moving as if its owner was sobbing, hitched inhales and exhales deafening.

"I'm sorry. P-Please look at me –" It was one of the rules he established, he didn't want Jimin to cut and the sub was probably afraid that he was going to want to break up, especially after everything they've been through lately. "I d-don't know how to – I can't breathe w-without it."

Jungkook slowly turned around in order to engulf the tiny body in his arms, feeling his t-shirt getting damp from the tears. It was heart-breaking: he has been able to save his boyfriend from his bully but he had no idea how to save him from himself.

"It's okay, kitten. Try to calm down, let's play our special game." It took more than twenty minutes for the student to calm down and the tattoo artist picked him up when that happened, feeling the pink head falling tiredly on his shoulder. "Do you want something warm to drink?"

"Milk and honey?" Jungkook kissed the side of his head lovingly.

"Okay." He drank the whole glass as if he was a starving man and that was his last supper and tugged at the sleeves of his shirt when he realised his boyfriend was looking at his destroyed skin. He looked so vulnerable in that moment that the elder tightened the hug. "I think it would be better if you would see a therapist, angel." His voice was compassionate and Jimin found himself nodding even if that was the last thing he wanted to do.

"Aren't you –" Jimin gulped. "Are you tired of me?"

"God, no." The man hurried to reply. "No, baby. I just want you to get better." The student could understand that because Taehyung said the same thing countless time before but the results were not favourable. He's always been like that and it felt like he had no chance to change; Jungkook was not tired of him yet but it was only a matter of time until he was going to realise that he wanted to have someone less complicated by his side. He closed his eyes, pained by the thought and tried to chase the unwanted feelings away, knowing it was better for him to focus on enjoying what he currently had.

Notes:

ヾ(☆'∀'☆) Thank you so much for reading! I know this chapter has been a little frustrating but I still hope you will enjoy it! I am surprised by how many comments the last chapter received but I am super happy that you guys are so excited. I know Jungkookie hasn't been on his best behaviour but he is human and Jiminie loves him too much to let him go~ Thank you again for being so amazing, I hope you'll have the best week ever! Don't forget to stay warm, safe and to treat yourselves with hot chocolate and sweets! Take care x