72 Adolescence

Ever since young Isaac had laid his humanity extermination-plans to rest, his journey turned from a primarily physical one into a mostly mental one. The world that he knew, he had already traversed sufficiently. There was nothing else that it could present him with - or at least nothing that could pique his interest.

Thanks to that, he spent a lot more time lost in his thoughts than before. Well, it was the only significant thing besides reading that he still did. Just thinking, exploring his mind and thoughts.

The first topic that he got really absorbed into was other worlds and the concepts behind them. In many different stories, the various worlds that characters traversed, the worlds that they ascended or woke up into, they were what stayed on his mind the longest. Maybe one of these methods would prove to actually work and be something he would end up interested in, something he could successfully replicate.

Travelling to another world… there were a plethora of methods to achieve this, at least in fiction.

One of the most common ones was to simply die and be reborn in a new world one hadn't stepped foot in before, oftentimes without any explanation. In some cases, the only reason given was that one of these other world's deities had taken pity on the character and wanted to give them a chance at a new life. Or they just wanted to make use of them, that also wasn't a rare occurrence. There were countless motivations and goals behind it. All in all, this method of world traversal wasn't one that was easily tested in person, as it required one to die before one had a chance to encounter such a fate, blessing or curse. Unless one was sure of themselves getting reborn into another world, or being transmigrated there in some way, it was an irrational gamble without any known odds.

Another aspect of such kinds of world traversal was that the 'different worlds' were always a part of the same whole. Whether or not that 'new world' was simply another planet in a far-off corner of the universe - which technically wouldn't even make it a different world, just another part of the same one - whether it was some kind of alternate dimension or parallel universe or whether it was actually another world, which was in some mysterious way connected to the one the character originated from, it all ultimately boiled down to one thing: There had to be some kind of a connection, meaning it was all still a single world, in a way. The different worlds could also be interpreted as various 'sub worlds' whose sum made up the entirety of a 'bigger world'.

Some of the characters who were reborn or transmigrated into another world gained the ability to travel worlds, or to ascend into a higher one. In these stories, the concept of different worlds, or even sub and main worlds was very prevalent. Whether it was a certain level of personal power or enlightenment that was necessary to break past the bounds of the 'lower worlds' and step into a 'higher realm', or whether it was simply required to find a path there, it didn't matter. Those worlds, as well, were all connected. They were all a part of a 'bigger world'.

Of course, in some stories, even characters who hadn't initially come from another world reached the heights of strength or enlightenment needed to travel or transcend worlds - it wasn't just limited to the special existences that were main characters.

A somewhat less prevalent method for characters to come to another world was this: Simple, bog-standard travel that didn't involve death. The method of achieving this could be based in anything, whether it be science, religion or fiction… it could be argued that the latter two are essentially the same, but for clarification purposes, they both had to be stated. In any case, just like before, there needed to be a certain kind of connection between the worlds in the first place for this to be achieved.

There was something else that was often brought up in fiction, science fiction, philosophy and even ordinary science. What if the reality that young Isaac's world's humanity found itself in was just a dream, or a simulation of some kind? A world under the control of some higher power, some more developed civilization? There were far too many possibilities as to what the exact details could potentially be, but everyone who had a look at the theory had to admit that it was at least possible. There was no way to debunk it.

In fictional works, some of the characters managed to 'wake up from' or 'escape' the bounds of these restraints, embarking on a new journey in these 'higher worlds'. Some of these stories even hinted at the fact that those higher worlds could, again, just be a simulation, a story or a dream of some kind. A controlled experience in some way, shape or form. A creation of an unfathomable being. Whether such a being was an alien race, a machine or robot civilization or a deity, it didn't actually matter.

Ultimately, it still led back to the same conclusion: Those various worlds, no matter how many layers of them there were, were connected in a way, making up a single 'bigger world'.

There were far, far more possibilities and different methods of world travel, world transcendence, et cetera. But no matter which one that young Isaac took a look at, this same core conclusion followed. All of these worlds were always connected, they were always a part of a single 'bigger world' - and one couldn't travel between different 'bigger worlds'. As soon as travel between them was in any way possible, they would be connected, forming simply a larger sized 'bigger world' together. In fact, it wasn't difficult for such a 'bigger world' to contain infinite worlds - size and numbers didn't matter here. What did was the connection.

While young Isaac had started out with the goal of finding a way to travel to a different world originally, he now finally realized that even such a feat wouldn't be enough to satisfy him - it wouldn't even be close to enough. His interest had vaguely been piqued by something else. What lay beyond? What lay beyond those 'bigger worlds'? What lay beyond that which already lay beyond spacetime?

Speaking of, one of the scientific hypotheses that he came across alleged that space and time were actually one and the same thing, just perceived in two different ways. Them being intricately connected and unable to be seen independently wasn't anything new - that's why they were called spacetime, after all. But this theory claimed that they had always been the same thing from the very beginning. Human senses only perceived this in two different ways, giving them the peculiar experience of reality that they had experienced and observed ever since they came into being.

Even though young Isaac agreed with this hypothesis, mostly because it sounded plausible and quite interesting, it also set off ripples within the tranquil lake that was his heart. Something that he had subconsciously always tried not to think about, to banish from his mind, suddenly became his focus.

Everything, when it came down to it, was a matter of perception. In modern science, it was already known that every single human being perceived pretty much everything slightly differently, whether that be colours, sounds, shapes, textures, tastes, et cetera.

This realization finally made young Isaac ask a very elementary question: Was anything 'real' in the first place? 'Was' there even anything at all?

Most people would scoff at this question, regarding it as nonsense, simply because they were fully convinced by their experiences… which was a mistake. Sure, it enabled them to live their current lives, but that would forever be their limit, with no way to go beyond. They would forever be confined to normalcy, to this prison of senses that they had always found themselves in. Subconsciously, they were afraid - and nobody could blame them.

Ever since young Isaac's consciousness had first sprouted when he was still in his mother's womb, there had only been one tool with which he was capable of perceiving the world, which were his senses. All the information he had ever gained came from these senses.

The very existence of other people… had been confirmed via his senses. All knowledge that anyone had ever researched and shared with others had also been brought to his consciousness through his senses. Everything he had ever touched, smelled, heard, seen, tasted, all of his perception of spacetime and various other, more minor things… they had all just been perceived via his senses.

Did he have any actual proof that any of it was 'real'?

… No. All of his life, he had simply taken everything since before his birth at face value, as doing so was - seemingly - his only option. None of it had any basis in fact or was proven. After all, the only 'proof' he could come up with were things that he had perceived with his senses - words of other people included. The brain being the origin of the mind? That was just information he had picked up with his senses. And so were countless other things. Everything was stained by the tinted glasses that were his senses, which meant all of it was inadmissible for being used as proof. Were the senses really reliable?

Ultimately, all of this was a fatal flaw. And finally, young Isaac understood that he had just been running away from this realization for his entire life. After all, there was no way for anyone to live any kind of life, no matter in which world they may be in, if nothing they ever experienced was in any way, shape or form definitive.

How likely was it for it all to be 'real', or at least parts of it? Despair-inducingly enough, there was no way to know. There was no data, no way to even do anything but make random, unfounded guesses. There were endless possibilities, with the possibilities that any of it was 'real' being an immeasurably small portion of them. If looked at from as objective of a point of view as humanly possible, the probability of anything being 'real' was infinitely close to zero percent. It wasn't actually zero, but it might as well be.

This realization completely derailed young Isaac, so for a time, he didn't even continue thinking about anything in particular. While he still continued to read stories, he had grown even more detached from this world, or any world for that matter.

The small tree of loneliness grew without limits, easily surpassing the size of even mythical world trees. It was as if it made up the entirety of his being, as if loneliness was almost all he still had. After all, if nothing but his own consciousness was likely to be 'real', wasn't he all alone? Hadn't he always been alone? Wouldn't he always be alone?

It wouldn't even matter whether he actually found someone that understood him… if there was no one in the first place.

An even more scary thought then inadvertently came to mind… which was: Was his consciousness even 'real'? There was no way for him to find out or even say anything about it. He desperately wanted it to be 'real', but there was no way to know. No way to make sure. 'I think therefore I am?' That was just a sentence used to placate one's own fears. All of these thoughts slowly drove him further and further into loneliness and fear.

A year passed in this manner. A year which young Isaac hadn't even felt to pass by, as he had pretty much always been lost in thought.

He didn't come up with a solution. He didn't figure out a miraculous way that could save him from this desperate state.

Although the spectating Ais couldn't comprehend all of his thoughts, not even close to it, as there were far too many of them that flashed by too frequently… she did feel his overall emotions, which heavily impacted her. She had also been subjected to a similar kind of loneliness and fear before, although it hadn't been to such an inconceivable extent. Although she wasn't yet aware of it, a part of her mind had subconsciously blocked off parts of young Isaac's thoughts that were related to his recent realizations. It would have been far too hard to stay sane otherwise.

At this lowest point in his life, young Isaac suddenly smirked and perked up. The fear had faded. While it hadn't disappeared entirely, the last vestiges of it were locked away behind two sentences of realization, the first one of which was: 'Does it really matter?'

What he was referring to with these words was the fear of whether or not his own consciousness was ultimately 'real'. Yes, he couldn't say. But it didn't matter. It would never matter. After all, he was himself. Whether or not anything about him was 'real', he was still himself.

'I am me.'

This second sentence of realization was by far the most profound one he had ever thought of. One could spend the entirety of time thinking about it and still continue to notice different ways to interpret it. A person was their own biggest mystery. Finding oneself, exploring oneself, realizing what or who one was… it was a never-ending journey. Was young Isaac really young Isaac? Yes. But possibly no. Still, he was himself. And that wasn't something that could ever be taken away from him.

Even should he be assimilated into a bigger, stronger consciousness of some kind, something he couldn't resist. Even should he entirely disappear… wasn't he still himself? Even if he wasn't anymore, he would still be himself. It sounded quite contradictory, but wasn't actually at all.

'I am me.'

It was this sentence that enabled him to yet again take a step forward. While it wouldn't truly matter where he ultimately ended up, as nothing really mattered, he could still embark on a journey. He could still chase after a goal. Why? Because he wanted to, there didn't need to be any other reason.

Unfortunately, one thing that this sentence couldn't help him with was the loneliness that had now become a core of his entire being. While he was himself, he was still alone. He would always be. Or at least he thought he would at this point in time. He was himself, and he was lonely.

By the time young Isaac had finally found a goal, he was 14 years old.

What lay beyond that which lay beyond spacetime? What lay beyond even existence itself? It was the furthest out of reach concept that he could even think of. After all, he couldn't even vocalize it or describe it. There were no words which he could use, as they didn't exist. And because of that, because of this ultimate sense of mystery, this was what attracted his interest, what became his goal.

Yes, it might have been possible for him to figure out a way to travel to other worlds, or to transmigrate to them. He could have travelled within this 'bigger world' he was in. But now, he wanted to go many steps further. He wanted to reach the ultimate goal he could think of, in a single leap. Taking a step at a time and steadily getting there in the long run? That was too boring. If he was assured of reaching a certain point, young Isaac would slowly lose his interest in it. What about trying something that even he himself thought to be impossible? That was a worthy challenge. Only by suffering through impossibility could his lonely and dead heart skip a beat, could his interest be piqued, could he feel a hint of excitement.

But how could he actually do this? How could he transcend existence itself? He didn't know. He didn't even have any idea where to begin. And because of that, it became his goal. Because of that, it fascinated him. Because of that, it was all he spent his time on.

Well, except for experiencing stories. They were something that never left his daily routine, that never left his life, his existence. He still felt some interest towards other worlds and liked to come into contact with them, even if they were only fictional. And now, there was even a layer added on top of it. The characters in these stories… he was capable of feeling close to them. Well, at least closer than to anyone in his reality. Why was that? He felt that he knew that these fictional characters didn't actually exist, while he always felt a doubt about the people in his reality, or even in existence. Without that doubt present, he could empathize with those characters and even form imaginary connections with them.

While trying to come up with a way to overcome the impossible challenge he had set for himself, young Isaac spent another four years reading and thinking. Besides ensuring his body's survival, he didn't spend time on anything else, slowly growing completely detached from the world he was currently in. He had even recently stopped to keep his body capable of peak physical performance.

It hadn't been very exciting to observe this time - at least not compared to the time when he had travelled the world before. All this time, the spectating Ais had mostly been confronted with his feelings and thoughts, getting reminded of a period in her life where she was in a similar position.

Young Isaac wasn't so young anymore. He had already turned 18 years old.

These years hadn't passed in vain, though. He had at least slowly found what he believed to be the way to reach his goal. It was to completely cut off the emotions he felt for this world, and to cut off his entire being from it as well.

… Yeah, it was far easier said than done. While he now knew what he had to do, it was still incredibly difficult to separate himself from these feelings. And it would still take a long time until he actually succeeded.

'Where there is a will, there is a way.'

It was a popular adage, and it wasn't necessarily wrong. If one was adamant enough, if one wanted something enough, they would get it. The only reason one would ever not achieve this goal was a lack of will.

Did others snatch the opportunity one had planned to obtain oneself? Then one had lacked the will to overtake those people, to overcome them in any way necessary.

Did one try to protect someone only to be forced to watch that person or these people die? If one came to a halt in such a situation, then one lacked the will to revive them, or to rewind time… or to do whatever else would end up being required.

Did one die before achieving what one planned to do? If one stopped because of that, then one hadn't been determined enough to overcome life and death itself - one lacked the will.

Was that which one wanted to accomplish 'impossible', and one gave up because of that? Then one lacked the will to make the impossible possible. One lacked the will to break the shackles of rationality and to transcend logic. As long as one never gave up, no matter the circumstances, one could achieve anything.

'It's impossible.', 'It can't be changed.', 'That's just the way things are.', 'It can't be done.' - These sentences and many others like them were just a way of giving up, of despairing, of being restrained by logic and rationality - by life and death itself, and by reality.

Never give up… and even if you give up, it's not too late to pick yourself up and try again.

-----

No matter how often she experienced it, the feeling of disorientation that assaulted Ais upon her return never fully disappeared. Thankfully, by being cradled in Isaac's arms, she managed to shake it off after a short few moments. This time, however, she felt a little bit more mentally exhausted than before - enough for her to need to sleep really deeply tonight.

Never before had she experienced as much of Isaac's past as she did this time. It had always just been a handful of years, while in this instance, it had been quite a bit longer. Or maybe it had only felt significantly longer because it had mostly been spent in past Isaac's mind. Seemingly, the more time itself lost its meaning for him, the longer the episodes that she would experience. Thankfully, she knew that there weren't many of them left, as she had bought all of them with her abundant AP a long time ago.

After checking the countdown, she saw that she still 'only' had to wait for a week, and not more as she had fearfully anticipated. With this solace, she heaved a sigh of relief and nuzzled closer to Isaac, gently kissing his neck with her eyes closed.

To be honest, she didn't pay too much attention to her surroundings right now, as she felt perfectly safe in his embrace. She didn't need to waste any thoughts on anything outside of her own mind.

Finally, she had laid her eyes upon the cause of Isaac's loneliness - and admittedly, she didn't understand it. Or rather… she didn't want to understand it. She was vaguely aware that there had been parts of his reasoning that she had subconsciously been afraid to take a closer look at, afraid to comprehend. Maybe… maybe she just didn't want to experience the same loneliness he did. Her own had already been enough to deal with, and she was sure that he wouldn't want her to fall into the same pit that he did. It was sufficient for her to understand just how far into this bottomless hole of loneliness he had plummeted.

He had reached unfathomable depths…

She didn't know how exactly her existence impacted him, but just like how he made her feel less lonely, in the same way that he filled up that hole of loneliness at least partially somehow, she knew that she had a similar effect on him. He was definitely less lonely with her around. And that was enough. After understanding what he felt, she truly wanted to do her best to stay with him, to make him feel at least a little better. And to maybe one day fill that entire void of loneliness - but she knew that was a pipe dream. Still… a girl can dream, right?

At least she was fully aware of one thing: There was no need to worry about staying with him forever - it would happen. She knew. Although she didn't know how she knew, she did. He would either have already found a way or find a way in the future that would allow them to always stay together, to travel the same path. So she didn't need to worry about this.

Now, there were only a few things that she was still curious about. Until the point in his past that she had reached, that story that he had mentioned - the one she allegedly was a part of - had yet to appear. When would it? And what kind of impact would it have on past Isaac?

While Ais was still fully absorbed in thoughts like these, her exhausted mind finally couldn't hold on any longer and she drifted off into a long and relaxing slumber.