Reflection

December 22, 1934

Unknowingly, I walked the streets of a city in a state of loneliness while concentrating on the soft footsteps that echoed imprisonment behind a glance. After wandering paths without end, I distinguish a woman's silhouette in the distance, shoulders back, and a gaze that repeatedly assesses her appearance. It was as if she felt superior and insecure at once, perhaps the volatile side of a superficial society—a constant battle of mistrust with a weakness of unacceptance. Following the strange blonde's gaze, I realized that her complexion was somewhat hidden. At the same time, her extended hand conveys refuge before disappearing into the entrance of a house full of possibilities.

Without reasoning, I follow her; until I reached the property's surface, where I recognized what reigned behind me. The neighborhood that once amassed life disintegrates with everything that dwelled in it under the rubble, resting forever.

Disturbed by the tragic occurrences, I turned around only to find myself face to face with hell itself.

The hiss of flames spreads through the boards of the house, which order me to grasp the opening lock. As I pushed it with my hand, the door creaks open an inch at a time. The amount of dust accumulated on the surface was like ashes of the snow, with no significant trace. Letters and postcards addressed to no one were piled up from the door's mailbox by the entrance to the sole of the rough wooden stairs. Old teacups rested on a coffee table next to rotten bread. Ashes covered mirrors, rendering the air thicker, along with a musty smell. The glints of light that entered through the wooden openings that enclosed the windows gave the home a touch of humanity. In absolute silence, from the corridors, the ceiling, to the lousy walls, came an overwhelming feeling.

After scouring the blissful place for the mysterious lady, I paid attention to the captive suffering from upstairs and hurried after it until I stood in front of it. As I got closer, I could see her form crouched in the corner of the attic, surrounded by the disaster of her loss. Tears wet her soul as her eyes pleaded for help, even though no one would come. Loneliness allowed her inner demons to strangle her, drowning her in the grief of abandonment, reminding her of how it felt, making her long for the love and peace she once felt.

When I knelt beside her to comfort her, the woman swiveled towards me, grabbing my arms, only to scream how it was all my fault. Looking at her closely, I sensed that this woman was no ordinary girl; Those eyes that glared at me with hatred were mine.

~ • ~~ • ~~ • ~~ • ~~ • ~~ • ~

Hearing myself scream wakes me up suddenly, with every feeling in high recollection. Streaks of light hit my vision, and I no doubt knew that I slept more than usual. The noises outside came from a busy day with heavy traffic.

"But I finally woke up," I whispered into my pillow as I buried my body in the warm, soft sheets. Knowing that I was safe, I brushed off the remains of the dream and looked at the horizon; its vivid light stretched across a rosy sky. I assumed that the terrain was something that most adults found beautiful. Still, it was strange, even painful, to find something meaningful in something you noticed every day. What was so unique about it?

If I were honest, I would say that I have never felt the joy that others felt or the magic that attracted Tom, as if the blissful paradise possessed what you had lost.

"It's beautiful, don't you think?"

The sudden question startles me, but by paying attention to the person's voice, I knew who it was in an instant, bringing yesterday's conversation to light. For a moment, I had forgotten what awaited me when I promised peace over the voice of reason. As I glimpsed the artwork adorning his face, I assumed that without a doubt, this was going to be more difficult than I had initially believed.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I pretended I hadn't heard a thing. I didn't want to appear anxious if he finds out what caused me to be alone with him and takes it as a joke.

"I said, don't you think it's beautiful?" He pointed as he closed the door behind him. The sounds that echoed his entry had me on the brink of madness. Waiting for the warmth of his breath to reach my neck was like waiting for ice cream to melt in the dead of winter.

"Well, I don't know. It's hard to define something that I can't see. What makes a sky full of pink shadows so beautiful?" I asked while avoiding looking back. His gaze in my direction led me to assume that he was looking at me when in fact, he wasn't. What is happening to me? Why am I suddenly questioning everything?

The wonderful thing about mirrors is the perspective they give you when you are blinded by the unknown. So the tiny mirror on the desk allowed me to see Thomas without him noticing. His facial expression was something I had never seen before; it was as if the atmosphere had power over his mind. Almost as if he couldn't be happy without catching a glimpse of it every morning. Was this body of nature that important to him?

"You don't get it, do you?" His sigh made his inner regard catch mine through the glass. Damn, did he realize I was staring all this time?

With some battle, I shook my head.

"Let me clarify it for you slowly so that it sinks into your little monkey brain. Your pettiness is your punishment; it's karma. As soon as you feel it, your body produces stress hormones with all kinds of side effects. My inner peace is my reward. You don't lose anything by not seeing something so beautiful because you are not as impressive as a sunrise, do you understand now? " His way of explaining things makes it seem I'm too stupid to understand otherwise.

I guess the moment he unfolded his tongue, words were bound to hurt me. They always do. Why did I think it would be different this time?

"Tom, I understand if you resent me for what I said yesterday, but you have to recognize how sorry I am." I knew behind my reasoning was the work of Sister Lane, but at what cost. How many insults must I endure to make a point?

"I don't need your apologies. I only came here to tell you that the sister asked me to tell you that breakfast is ready and to come down to eat."

Making amends will be impossible; this is what I get by meddling in situations that do not correspond to me. As soon as the door closed behind Tom, I sat on my bed, contemplating what I was going to do. I know it was my fault, but it wasn't ideal to be the only one to blame when he should be apologizing moreover. Deep down, I knew that fighting with someone who was like my brother poisons the heart. After jotting down my thoughts in my journal, I heard someone knock on the door.

"Come in,"

"Candy, can I?" Anne pleads as she opens the door.

"Yes, sure, this is your room as well. You don't have to ask permission." I let out while taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. With a glance at her, I didn't need many perspectives to know how she looked. Anne has always dressed and babbled like a genuinely sophisticated girl. A significant difference between my wild personality and youthful acts. I hastily took off my nightwear and replaced it with something more wearable.

"Are you alright?" I listened to Anne ask me as I brushed my hair into a ponytail. The question was silly; I had fought with Tom, lost a friend, someone from the family, and for what? I turned to Anne, a small smile covering my face.

"I'm fine ..." Finding my voice a bit harsh. I cleared my throat before responding, "Why shouldn't I be?"

I watched as Anne delicately orchestrated her way around the room, picking up some sheets before settling at my side, pretending they needed to get folded again. "That was ... pretty brave, you know, what you did yesterday — it helped uphold our values."

"Well, you're the only one with that opinion. The rest believes differently, so things didn't change much," I mumble over my journal before pushing it away. It was hard to concentrate when there was nothing to write.

"Are you sure you're okay? I mean, with Tom being angry and all." Her way of manner reflects doubt to interfere. Making me face the situation and, for the first time, smile sincerely, "Don't worry, sooner or later we will work things out. But still, you should be used to it by now with how much we fight all the time."

"If you say so. But what if things are different this time, then what?" She looked at me intently, trying to uncover an alibi without saying a word.

"I don't know," I confessed as I looked away. I didn't know what would become of us if we stopped talking. I could admit that the idea of such an outcome saddens me, but I can't see past my rivalry with Tom.

"Are you sure everything is okay? You seem out of this. Did something happen yesterday? Don't tell me you got scolded. Do you want me to go see if I can lift your punishment?" Hearing my childhood friend try to suppress her modest act only to get me out of trouble warms my heart. Some things never change. And the act of defending each other will never cease to be a reality.

"I assure you that everything is fine." I settle my hands over her shoulders in peace. When Anne closes the distance, I can't help but feel horrible for lying. "Well, if you're sure. And, since your up, would you mind joining me for breakfast?"

I giggled when I heeded her sigh. The reaction surprised her. I don't blame her; my character has always been a walking contradiction; One moment, I growl in anger, and the next, I smile as if nothing had happened.

"Sure, I guess ... I mean, if you want."

"Of course I do! Who said I didn't? That's why I came here; Paulina asked me to retrieve you. Since you never follow orders." She was not wrong. I was not always eager to follow the rules as they are bound to get broken. But why would Anne come looking for me if Tom had already notified me?

"What do you mean?"

"I don't understand what you're inquiring; What do you mean by what I mean?" She comes off a bit daunted by the question.

"A few minutes ago, Tom came here conveying me the same message," Her puzzled expression confided I wasn't the only one confused.

"I reckon he was there because Paulina asked, but why would he bother if he's mad?"

"Whatever it is, let's not think about it anymore. Maybe it was pure coincidence. Let's leave it for now; everyone is waiting for us in the kitchen." Anne takes my hand and leads us outside. As soon as I leave my grounds, the smell of food captivates me.

By the time I descent into a chair, a small platter of eggs and buttered toast are placed in front of me. At the center of the table, a fruit tureen sat on an ice tray that would maintain it cold. Next to it existed a basket of muffins that would last us for the next few days, but the pitcher of orange juice that had us all mesmerized unfortunately wouldn't last until tomorrow.

I had never worried about the money problems we had or the shortage of food we consumed. Possibly because I was satisfied with what we had, but seeing the hunger that seized those around me. I knew the sensation did not travel equally, forcing me to give up my entire plate for them.

Hearing Tom exhale as he scowled at me makes me squirmed in fear.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked, avoiding his interest.

"You know why? Hey, all of you!" He yells at the little ones.

"Weren't you satisfied with your plates or what? Everyone here got the same proportions, and you don't see Anne or me complaining, do you?"

The little ones stooped their heads in shame. "No, Tom."

"So why did you take Candice's plate without a second thought?" The way he talks to them enrages me.

"Leave them alone, Tom. They're just kids! I wasn't even that hungry; why do you have to be so harsh?"

"We are also children, Candy, and you don't see us behaving the same way, do you?" He alleges, looking at me in disbelief.

"There is a big difference in your statement!"

"And what is that?" He looks at me closely, ready to hear my excuse. Meanwhile, the children look at us between arguments.

"We are older, and we must be attentive to their well-being, not restricted them."

"You're right, but what about your well-being? How are you deemed to take care of them if you don't even take care of yourself? Answer me that since you like to defend them so much!"

The assertion makes everyone turn to look at me to hear what I have to say. For the first time, I found myself with nothing to say. I never dared to see the negative side of my actions for this very reason. Allowing them to eat my food just because they were greedy affected me internally. Anne understood my silence; she knew I was in a position where I didn't want to be wrong, even if I was.

"Maybe ... Thomas is right, Candy. It would help if you took more care of yourself before looking out for the well-being of others. Even if it hurts, you know that you are doing the right thing because who will take care of you when no one else does." Anne held my hand.

"I'm sorry," Ben peeks at me remorsefully. "We were selfish not to think that you might want to eat your food before giving it to us."

"You don't have to apologize, Ben. I was merely taking care of your hungry little monster," I let out, making them all chuckle.

"What is all this commotion? Have you finished eating yet?" Our caretakers asked as they made their way to the table.

"No need to worry sisters, we were just making the children laugh." Anne tries to divert the problem, and I smirk in appreciation, but Tom's imprudence dashes all happiness.

"The children have once again accepted Candice's offer in taking away her food," Anne shifts with concern as she looks at Tom with spite. As I dare to notice Sister Lane's presence, I gained a degree I will not get out of quickly.

"Anne, if you could do us a favor, to take the kids outside to play after they brush their teeth," Paulina asks as Sister Lane walks over to us.

"What will happen to Candice?" I glance at Anne as she tried to intervene.

"She will meet you all after we have a little chat," Paulina informs her. "Now, go play."

"Good luck," the children and Anne muttered before leaving.

"Thanks, I'll need it," I whispered under my breath as we waited to be left alone.

"Now, could someone explain to us what is going on?" Sister Lane demands once the door is closed.

"Well, like many times before, Candy has decided to entrust her fare to others to fulfill their hunger," Tom informs them, annoyed. I don't see why he makes what I did seem like a big deal. It's not like I gave them his food instead of mine.

"For the love of God, Candice, when will you obey the rules? I understand you recognize our economic situation, and that is why you try to help. But these children are not your responsibility. I, like Miss Paulina, regret that we cannot give everyone the better qualities of life. But it would help us if you comprehended that it is not your duty to protect these children. You need to take care of yourself and eat, my love, because who will bring us joy if you get sick. " She caresses my cheeks with compassion and understanding.

"I get it, but sometimes I can't help it. Internally, I want to help others, and there is nothing or no one who can prevent me from doing what my heart desires."

Since I was little, if you wanted my help, you just had to ask. I promised whoever did that it would be a blessing for the both of us. Helping is a gift; Asking is trust and the beginning of a way to sincerely express the love we have for each other as human beings. Because when we support each other, it is with love and gratitude.

"Honey, we are not scolding you or doubting your pure intentions. We only want to inform you of the damage you may be causing yourself by forgetting who you are. Because at the end of the day, we are all human beings with weaknesses," Paulina tries to reassure me.

"They're right, Candy. It's just a suggestion, control yourself. No one is urging anything from you," Tom suggests.

"No one asked you," I reacted. Honestly, Tom was a meddler; his presence suffocates me like a fly you can't squash. Every word, every movement, and breath he releases seems to infuriate me without end.

"Candy!"

"Leave her sister; she has matured in certain aspects but lacks in others," Tom clarified before taking off.

"Tom!" Sister Lane called out behind his retiring figure before veering around.

"What's wrong with you? You promised us you'd fix things. Why do you insist on behaving like this? He only looks after your well-being because he cares about you." The way she expresses herself makes it seem like there's a hidden resentment underneath. I suppose she would give anything to protect him since he was her favorite.

But, now, I was the villain of the story.

And a promise was a promise; I had to be the better person even if it hurt.

"Don't worry. I will maintain my promise." I assured her before running off. The moment I stepped out the door, Anne and Victor steered towards me, settling their hands on my shoulders before contemplating my state of despair.

"Candice, what happened? Did they punish you? Tell us something, you worry us?"

"No, ... they didn't scold me," I expressed, eager to find Tom.

"Why are you behaving like this then?" Victor looks at me without believing a word I said.

"I mean yes ...Yes, they scolded me, but that's not the point right now; I need to talk to Tom. Do you know where he headed?"

"The last time we saw him, he was heading that way ..." They pointed towards the hills without context; I began walking in that direction.

When I ultimately saw him in the far fields with our childhood tree, I carried my way to him. There was something about Tom that drew people to him. I guess it didn't hurt that he was a handsome boy, but he was more than that. He was quiet, but not out of shyness, but out of withdrawal, a conscious choice to observe the earth's lie before getting involved.

"Tom?" I tried to justify myself, but he forbade a word out of me.

"No! Stop trying to apologize just because you promised her," he whispered, disappointed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, a little scared, about what might happen.

"Don't act like you don't know; I heard you all last night." The heat from my body faded as fast as if the world had aged and everyone on earth had evaporated.

"And what did you hear?" I sighed.

"Everything."