Memories

December 21, 1934

Illuminated by a candle nearing its end, I cover my entity over my journal on top of the desk. The sound of a pen stroking its ink on the surface of pages echoes around like a melody for those submerged in the dusk of dreams. The solace of who I stay with begs for the lack of sleep I shouldn't feel, just as I assured my caretaker when she made me vow not to write anymore and leave it for tomorrow.

But my mind, the one that never ceases to visualize and render new material, is both a blessing and a curse—the words I inscribe come from the heart. My past defines who I am, and my poems confide in how I feel. Memories are only a beginning, and these blank pages are my outset to the unknown. Because when I paint at the end of each day, they become a masterpiece, given these scriptures contain my most sacred dreams and ambitions. New inceptions can bring you so much joy; unfortunately, they also remind you of a life you do not possess, people you'll never keep, and a love you do not feel.

Even if I try to discern the good in everything, I am a fool for not following my advice. Oh well, where was I?

The outset of a chapter completes a year of life, with no way to rewrite it. Because what I exchange in these pages turns into immense scenes of love and anguish that drive you to the point of uncertainty and unhappiness. But since others do not assume as I do, these writings remain hidden. My 'dear' mother doesn't understand why I am sometimes so upset with life because my concerns are not even real; they are literally in my thoughts or on the paper in front of me.

Today, unfortunately, was one of those days that will blindly mark me forever, something that came out of nowhere. But, for me, it was everything—destroying the hope that with much enthusiasm, I spent hours materializing. For me, intuition and adventures are a significant blessing, the source that makes me be what encourages me to express myself. So, listening to the wife of the man who wished to adopt me, scruple at the possibility, urge a sense of unworthiness in me. I know her observations may be insignificant for most, but to me, they are more than just phrases. Everything in this world has a story of how it originated and prospered. Although most only see the present, I can simultaneously recognize the past, the present, and the future, transforming it into a source of entertainment.

Hence being proved, I didn't deserve to be someone's daughter broke all hope in me, making me act unknowingly.

This morning, I did everything possible to make the man regret his decision and not take me along. Now that I think about it, bathing in mud was not a brilliant idea. It took me hours to get the dirt out of my hair. But it was the easiest way to show them how wild and careless I was with my image. Compared to Sister Lane's demeanor, which hinted to run away before she grabbed hold of you felt like child's play.

Deep down, I knew she was happy I hadn't left. My smile, in return, has its limits, and I don't know how much longer I can continue with this enactment that nothing bothers me and that smiling solves everything. This mishap was the fiftieth time a little faith arose and fell apart before anything took place. They always recited the same excuses; 'We have changed our mind, or we want someone younger.' Most of the time, the men were the ones who considered my adoption, but still, it was their wives who stared at me and decided otherwise. Paulina always asked me not to take their actions seriously since society bore that way in more extensive cases.

But what did that have to do with me?

I was just a child, and they were the adults.

What sin could I be committing in addition to my existence?

As I glance at the winter moon, I breathe in the pure light that brought me tranquility. As the breeze reaches my face, it freezes my skin so delicate and raw, like winter waves on sallow sand. Thin patches of light gleamed off the rainy sky bathed in gloomy clouds. The beginning of snow snuggled the house like a little creature on its inception, new and sticky. It was as if the entire field had been laid down, silenced under the cold quilt of nature. How unusual it was to look at this point of perspective, so familiar yet so different, without the cry of two little girls abandoned to their fate. The same trees stood surrounded by a stone mist with its branches blank.

"Close the window, Candice. You're letting the cold in," Anne whispers in a sleepy state as she covers herself with her blanket, breaching the memory.

"Forgive me; I didn't notice," I acknowledged, embarrassed.

"Please, how could you not. If your face is bound to that notebook," Tom argues, making me mimic his intrusive voice as I sat back down.

"Shut up and go to sleep; no one asked for your opinion," I countered, annoyed. No day goes by without him going out of the ordinary to make me feel like a fool.

"No, you shut up and go to sleep. Can't you see you're a hindrance to my dreams?"

"Insult me one more time, and I swear you will greet my fist," I warned him as I got up from the chair; I hate nicknames.

"Lousy!" He asserts without care.

"You asked for it," I clarified before throwing myself at him and tugging his hair.

"Get off. You're fucking massive!" The pressure of his hands hurt, but I force myself to hold on even if there will be bruises the next morning.

"Insult me all you want, but I won't get off. Not until you learn how to behave towards a lady, that way, you'll be more respectful." Realizing what I said out loud made me want to correct myself. Not that he was disrespectful, quite the opposite. Tom was indeed a gentleman in every way but not with me for some strange reason. Oh, who am I kidding? I could see why he didn't treat me the same. My rebellious rage and my inability to keep quiet could be the reason, among others.

The beginning of a laugh drowns out my thoughts, making me look down.

Where Tom shamelessly laughed: "Do me a favor and don't make me laugh. Respect you like a lady? Where is she that I don't see her? All I see is a wild beast on top of me! " I tugged his hair harder at the insult.

"Apologize now, you insolent boy!"

"Never in your life will you receive an apology from me. Here, I am the man of the house and the eldest; you respect me, therefore apologize for being so selfish!" He hissed between his teeth as he tugged on my pigtails.

"Candy. Tom. Please stop fighting. You're going to get hurt," Anne pleaded as the screams fully awakened her.

"Shut up and go to sleep, dwarf. The issue is with this monkey, not you!"

"Excuse me, monkey, your mother," I said in the act of outbreak.

"Candice!"

The initial decree from the door made me turn in its direction, where Mother Superior peers at us in disbelief. It was possible if our struggles awoke Anne, then others might have as well.

"Get down from there and come here." She ordered at the same time that her face wrinkled more than anything. It never really meant anything promising when she looks at you that way.

"But," I tried to justify myself, but noticing the expressions of Tom and Anne, I knew I had fucked up.

"Forgive me; I didn't mean that," I mumbled regretfully; I never meant to insult the memory of his mother.

"Yeah, right," he muttered as he lay down. Guilt settled in my chest, what I'd said I couldn't rule out.

"Come on, Candice. You and I have something to talk about," Sister Lane shut the door on our way out. After taking hold of her hand, she held up a candelabra with six candles burning its wax. Its orange glow marked our path crowning our shadows on the surface of the corridor. In low light, you could see the walls prevail of the same wood we walked on. The ceiling carved out of stone was so old that it's surprising it has not yet collapsed. Other than that, seven rooms reigned above the surface; the kitchen, the rooms where the little ones and I rested, a study room, a single bathroom, and our caretaker's chambers. Our way of life was not the best, but even then, it was what we called home.

It was the only thing in this area.

There were no others around it, and the place would have seemed abandoned if not for the smoke from the chimney.

Upon entering the study, the heat and the crackling of the firewood dominated a warm setting with the tenderness of what I called familiar. Surrounded by books and lectures stood Miss Paulina, preparing cups of hot chocolate. When she perks up, a knowing smile comes across her face, as if she knows why I was there like so many times before.

"Sit down, Candice," she gestures as she hands me a mug. "It seems this will be an unforgettable night for you."

"Why?" I asked while she glanced at Sister Lane knowingly.

"Are you sure you want to do this, sister?" I hear Paulina ask as she hands her a mug.

"Certainly, it is better to tell her now than to regret it later," She stated as if I was not listening. With the excitement of knowing what they were referring to, I raised the mug unknowingly.

"Be careful, Candice; it's hot." I heard one of them warn me. But sitting in front of the fire, I felt hypnotized by the flames taking the warning without meaning, placing the cup on my lips, and burning them completely.

"Oh, Candy... you will never change!" The mention of the alias brought me back to the memory of why I was named such a thing. As a baby, I always portrayed a smile. Finding the gesture sweet, Sister Lane christened me as the most precious thing in the world. Candy!

As they laugh, I continued to drink the beverage without limit. The taste of the marshmallows melting into the chocolate turned the falling snow outside into a jar of secrets; when the fun and laughter dies, silence hogs everything.

"You have to be more careful with what you say, my dear. Sometimes we say things that we think are appropriate to announce at the moment even if it's not what most would like to hear." They both glanced at me carefully. The difference between them stood out like a sore thumb. The youth of one overshadowed the other's weariness.

"What do you mean, sister," I recited, somewhat confused by the comment.

"About the insult towards Thomas darling," She stared at me intently, making me taste the stigma.

"Which one," I muttered, somewhat intimidated.

"About his mom,"

"Oh, that one?"

"Yes, that one ... what else did you think it was?" She questions with a raised eyebrow, next to Paulina, who shook her head.

"Nothing was just asking," I said, smiling.

"Candy," Paulina whispers, somewhat exhausted. "Besides, you and any other child who has set foot in this house were abandoned for reasons that no one could deviate. Most of their loved ones disregard their existence. Compared to Anne and you, who we don't have a remote recollection of your lineage, Tom's case is different. " Paulina's glance at the sister made me see this information came from her.

"What makes that brat so special!" I argued in resentment, even if I didn't want to admit it. Given I've always felt that way for as long as I can remember. Tom was the one who always got praised for being the smartest in the class or just being himself —leaving the rest behind his shadow, which left a lot to compare.

"There's nothing special about getting abandoned with false promises!" The raised voice made me regret the moment I opened my mouth.

"Sorry, what do you mean," I asked ruefully.

"Tom's family has always known about his existence ever since he set foot in this house. He arrived here the morning, the same day as you and Anne." Paulina clarified while Sister Lane took a deep breath. I guess she reasonably informed the other as she had been receiving children from the moment she inherited this house.

"I don't understand; he has a family? Where are they? Why has he remained here all this time?" It's a bit strange how Tom dwells here knowing the whereabouts of his family. Why hasn't he gone with them? Why stay here if you had a home of your own?

"Years ago, a woman arrived here with her son seeking refuge. The desperation on her face made me believe she was in a hurry, so I offered to look out for her son until she returned, but she never did. Upon leaving, she handed me a letter explaining the reasons for his abandonment. One of those consisted of him eating plenty and that she couldn't be feeding him anymore. But how was that even possible when the child was in a state of malnutrition. " Witnessing the tears that fell from her face made me catch a glimpse of that tragic day as I listened to the cry of a child as it realized his mother was abandoning him.

"Disgraceful bitch." I muttered under my breath.

"Candice! What did we talk about." Paulina scowls after hearing what I said. Oh, Candice, you will forever continue to screw up.

"Sorry," I responded. "It just makes me angry to know the aspects of people and the damage they leave behind. But wait, there is something I don't understand?"

"What is it, my dear?"

"Why are you confiding me this of all people? Shouldn't his past be confidential?" Blabber mouths, I mumbled to myself.

"You're right. Therefore you'll have to keep it to yourself because what we're going to tell you next is very important for us as well as for you." Her words and the reflection of the burning fire in her glasses brought a burden over my shoulders.

Oh god, there's more!

"How important are we talking about?" I ask as if what they said earlier wasn't shocking enough.

"Something that will reflect your demeanor with Tom from now on," She acknowledged.

"Then I don't want to know," I admitted. There is nothing more unpleasant than hearing someone instruct how you should or shouldn't behave.

"Don't be ..." The sister stifled her insults. If looks could kill, I'd already been dead. Watching her rise from her chair made me sit back, dreading what would happen if I moved a muscle.

"I acknowledge that your young and may see things at your convenience. But there comes a time when you need to grow up and see the world for what it is. This rival you have with Tom will soon cease to exist when the truth becomes known."

"Why?"

"Because my dear Tom was the one who found you that day, you know." She declared openly behind me.

"What?"

"Just as you heard, Tom was the one who heard you and Anne that night and ran to find you. " She confirmed what I thought I had misheard at first: "If it weren't for him, you would have died out there."

Her words could not be valid; they had to be a joke. How is it possible that the person that's brought about my life a living hell, be my guardian angel?

I was in denial until I saw the sincerity on her face, making it real. Tears began to fall as I begged for forgiveness, even though I knew no one would give it to me. With the pain of abandonment, I almost forgot how others felt while accepting the same sentence. I wanted the destruction of my life to disappear, allowing me the peace I desperately needed, even if it wasn't real.

"We didn't inform you of this to make you feel bad, Candy," Paulina pleads guilty. "We just wanted you to come to an understanding and make amends with Tom before he leaves." In that second, everything deterred, what did she say?

"What do you mean before he leaves!" I ordered. Judging from her expression of regret, she wasn't supposed to tell me.

"That's right, my darling, you didn't mishear; Tom will leave very soon to a home of his own." Sister Lane confessed as she wiped away her tears.

"He was adopted," I muttered under a breath.

"Yes, darling, he'll retire at the end of winter." Numb, from learning the dreadful date, entices a lightning bolt outside, illuminating that what's hidden, reflecting the shadow of someone hiding behind the door. After a few seconds, the image vanished as soon as it was there, leaving me to wonder who it could have been.

"We're not asking you to be something you're not; just that you find unity between the two of you." How could they ask me something like this and expect me to be victorious? My relationship with Tom has never been the best, and I don't think that after what I said, there is a change of heart. But this was no longer about me or whether this was a good or bad decision. It was about Sister Lane and the last wish she wanted for him.

"Don't worry; I will ask forgiveness as soon as the sun rises, and I promise that I will make it up to him."

"Thanks, sweetie." There wasn't much I could say, so I just nodded as I went to pick up my empty mug.

"Don't worry about that, Candy. You can leave it there. I'll take it to the kitchen later; if you want, you can go back to bed." Paulina smiled at me as I headed for the door.

"Goodnight then. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

I knew it was wrong to lie, but there was nothing I could have said otherwise and not get scolded for it. As I laid on my pillow, I couldn't help but feel contained. It seemed that my bad luck was only at the peak of the mountain and had yet to come down. As I closed my eyes, I knew I was only shortening the time with what awaits me the next day.

But I had no other choice.