Part VI

"You were part of a gang?" 

He nodded "Yes. I didn't have a choice. When you said I looked like a thug, I wasn't really offended because deep down I know what I had to do to survive. The first time my grandfather and I ran out of food, we were hungry, bitterly hungry. Then after a couple of days the hunger went away, we felt weak, we still wanted food, but the hunger pangs weren't there. Then as our personal fat stores were exhausted the hunger returned with vengeance. It was the most terrible pain, constant, grinding, something you don't ever want to experience. My grandfather and I had absolutely nothing, and I had to go three months without food in my stomach just to keep my dying grandfather alive."

"Three months?!" That was bizarre. Jessica went a week without eating, and it made her terribly weak, but she met someone that had to go three months without a single thing in his mouth.

"Yeah three months. Before I joined a gang to get money for my grandfather, there was an old lady that cooked garbage, as funny as it sounds. She did it for free, but they were in small portions, I gave it all to my grandpa, hoping for a miracle or something. I didn't have money for medicine, I was forced to get it somehow, that's when I met them, and they offered me something I could do, and I'd get paid as long as I don't get caught by the police. It wasn't easy. Sometimes I'd get beaten up by the people I sold drugs to."

"You sold drugs." 

"I don't think that's really surprising, because my obsession with cigarettes had to start from somewhere. The organization I worked for were a set of dangerous people. I was scared every time, but I had to hang on for someone. Once I gathered enough money, I ran away, and went back to my grandfather."

"Were you able to treat him?" 

"No" He shook his head "He died long before I had the chance to. Everything was a waste, and now I'm forced to wear sleeves all day because I don't want to be caught by them. The day they find me, I'll be dead, it will take less than a millisecond for a bullet to pierce my skull."

The thick silence of the inky night devoid of even moonlight and stars caressed her skin as she stared upon his face that remained stern and emotionless even after he opened up the wounds of his life. She envied how much he wasn't affected by it anymore, maybe he was, but he just couldn't show it.

Her eyes, already red and puffy from crying, squeezed shut to push more tears out. She let her head fall down to her knees, and she pulled her legs closer to her chest. Her wretched memories swirled around in her head, and that was all it took for the tears to burst her dam of restraint. 

"How many people know this...your story?"

"Just two. Wu and you. I only share with people I can kind of relate to. Sometimes, the painful recalling of my past haunts me. Not sometimes, but all of the time. Every time I get reminded of it, it feels like someone stuck a thousand pins into me. It stings. A lot, but there's nothing I can do about It but not let it affect my present and my future."

"It's strange how you can be so nice to me after all I've said and done to you."

"Like I said. I don't benefit anything from leaving you there, and talking to someone going through a lot makes me feel like I've partially done what I wanted to do." 

" I don't understand…" 

"By partially fulfilling what I wanted to do, I mean, trying to offer emotional support to people makes me feel like I'm a therapist. It's embarrassing for someone that ended up as a bartender to bring up their childhood dreams."

"You wanted to be a therapist?"

"Yeah, but I had no money, and because of the death of my grandpa, I lost my way in life until I met Wu, but I couldn't pay back the years I'd wasted." 

"Wu is to me like lijuan is to you."

"I guess so."

Listening to him was somewhat relaxing, and she felt comfortable despite having a half naked man in front of her. It seemed like he wasn't going to do anything, but just talk, and she was intrigued by his story.

"I've known loneliness for a while, I know everything, and I know what happens when you remain soulless instead of talking to people about your issues. You don't have to tell me, but you have a friend like lijuan who cares. When I was depressed, I could only turn to cigarettes, and my smoking was way worse than it is now." 

"I don't want to remain quiet anymore" Jessica blurted out. "I want to leave my past behind just like you. I don't want to feel the pain of remembering and having it meddle with my mind every time. I want to go back to how things were, I want to eat more pasty flakes, sleep more, gather the courage to talk to lijuan again, and overcome my grief."

Xin smiled "I'm rooting for you."

Before she could talk, her heart raced as she thought whether or not she should make her disgraceful confession. She was the type that worried about what people would think of her, so she wondered what he would say. She wasn't certain if he'd react like the stereotypical man on the media, she wondered if he was worthy of her trust.

"You know I said I hate men right?"

"Yes?"

She pressed her lips together after she said "Never mind."

"Then you should get some sleep. It's not even five am yet, so you're trapped here for the rest of the night. Feel at home and don't worry about anything." He moved to his wardrobe and pulled out a pair of loose trousers. He reached for the doorknob but stayed back for a minute to answer the question she asked.

"Where are you going to sleep?" 

"The couch."

"Won't that be uncomfortable?"

"That's why I want you to have the bed. I'm okay with the sofa."

"Okay." He turned off the light before he left, and Jessica curled under the blanket. His bed was the least thing that smelt like cocaine, probably because he smoked E-cigarettes. 

In the dark room, she wondered if she judged him wrongly. Their conversation didn't end up toxic, and no bad words were traded, yet he opened up his past to her like it was nothing. Just another story for his development.

What if she opened up hers? He was a man, he'd probably give the reaction her father did. She believed they were all the same, and nothing would change that. Apart from the media, her father convinced her that men were terrible people, but Xin… a former associate with a criminal organization, someone that looked like a thug was making her think otherwise about her stereotype. 

"Was I really wrong? Have I been wrong all these while?" She never really got along with men, especially at work, especially the ones she tagged 'low class' 

She'd yell, nag, condemn them until they could no longer bear to stay at work. The same coworkers reported Jessica many times also accused Lijuan countlessly for not cautioning Jessica's attitude. Jessica knew lijuan didn't like what she was doing, but her friend never called her out because she knew what was stamped in her mind, and she didn't think it would be easy to change her perception. It was left for Jessica to change her view by herself. And now it was changing, probably changing for good.

***

Jessica had been waiting for the morning for so long that she could barely believe her eyes when the sharp shadows cast by the street-lamps through the metallic blinds started to fade, diluted by the onset of daylight.

Powerful rays flood over the landscape, lighting every blade of grass, shining from each leaf. A new day had begun.

She got out of bed, laid it, then moved out to the living room. Her eyes settled on the man laying on the sofa and the gentle rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. She moved towards him, then reached her hand out to the curtain behind the sofa. 

She yanked the warm material beneath her fingers, and then the orange glow of sunlight flooded the room. 

Xin's hand unconsciously grabbed hers after his senses picked up unknown movements. The attack surprised Jessica, and her heart raced as his eyes flew open.

"Sorry" He apologized "I thought you were an intruder." He let go of her hand, and she rubbed her wrist that slightly hurt from his tight grip.

"I-it's fine."

"Did I hurt you? Let me see" She moved back. "I said it's fine. Just don't touch me again."

"Understood" He said as he sat up, then he greeted "Morning." 

"Why don't you sleep with a shirt on? Why do you enjoy being half naked?" 

"I'm used to it." He said then got up, shadowing her much smaller body, with his much bigger, and stronger one. She stepped back once more and gulped. He was really scary.

Xin could tell she was uncomfortable around him, but she was going anyway, and they might not see again for a while. So, her only option was to bare for the few minutes she'd stick around.

"Your groceries are in my fridge." 

"Groceries?" She shot him a puzzled look, unable to recall if she paid for them. "I don't remember."

"That's typical. The only thing you have to remember is that you had a cart with you before you passed out, and then I handled the rest."

"You paid?!" 

"Yes."

"Why? Where's my purse?!"

"I took nothing out from there. I used my money."

"Why? I don't understand?"

"Well, I wasn't sure how long you'd be out, so what I initially planned was that you'd take the groceries whenever you wake up, but you ended up waking up past midnight."

"Why did you do that for me? What were you expecting in return? Pity? Money?...Sex?" 

"I'm hungry. What about you?"

"That doesn't answer my question!"

"It does. I just want breakfast." His stomach growled "See what I mean?"

She rolled her eyes "You can't cook?"

"I can and I can't."

"What do you mean?" 

"Exactly what it means. Let's stop talking and just have breakfast, okay?"

She smiled mischievously "Okay."

For xin, she plonked a rather pathetic-looking breakfast down in front of him. He looked at the dry toast with nothing on it, then his gaze shifted to Jessica's plate, Pancakes topped with fried eggs. 

He smiled staring at the food then their gaze met the moment he lifted his head "Thank you" He said before biting unto the tasteless toast.

Jessica's heart warmed, and she was irritated by how much he was proving to be the opposite of what he looked like. 

"I'm leaving" She moved her plate to him. She didn't eat, she couldn't. 

"You're not starving yourself again, are you?" 

She shook her head "Don't worry about me. I'll eat when I get home. You can have my breakfast." She got up.

"My purse?" 

Xin pointed at the table, and she noticed what poked out from a large book, 'human psych' She read out before she pulled out her purse. He was really passionate about what he thought he could no longer achieve. 

"What's your name?" 

She snapped out of her thoughts when he asked her for her name "Why do you want to know? We're not friends, we're just acquaintances, and I want to stay that way. Is that clear?"

"Yes, ma'am. One more thing, talk to your friend. She misses you." 

"Good bye." Jessica turned for the door, and a few seconds later, it closed lightly, and she found herself on the unknown street lane, then she walked down the pavements, looking for a bus stop as the calm sound of the soft autumn wind caressed the autumn leaves. She pulled out her phone and texted lijuan after so long.

"Lijuan, can we meet?"