void of him.

I waited for Friday like a hornbill waiting for rain. Like people crave a sunny day after so many days of gloomy clouds hanging up their heads. Like the earth yearns for the first crystal of snow to kiss its skin with the arrival of winter. 

     I was desperate. I couldn't wait. I forget how much I hate to wait. 

     I just want to see him, sit with him, and talk to him. 

   I push away every second with an unfamiliar yearning that I never had known of. 

      On top of all, I was anxious. What the physician had said kept me up in the deepest darkness of the night, crying under my cover. If it was to speak, it would have told a hundred stories about my pain. 

   After so many nights of constant thinking and not sleeping, I've come down with a realization. 

     I'm sick. I'm sick of being sick and never doing anything about it. I've no tears left to cry. I've got nothing, and I'm afraid I would die with nothing. 

        That's the thought that scares me the most. The thought would kill my sleep and peace. 

     If I did not shift before I turn sixteen— which only gives me a year ahead of me— I would never have a wolf. That means I would die. That I only have counted days left. 

    But before that, I at least want to have a friend who I can share everything with. Every sliver of my irony, sorrow, joy, pleasure, and everything my little heart can carry in it. I want it, I want it more than anything else. 

       "Zera, we are leaving!" Lilly's squeak has me walking out of my room and to the front yard. There stands my dad, his hand holding Lilly's palm in it. He is in his favorite blue shirt and pants while Lilly is cladded in her well-ironed school attire. She had two little knots on either side of her head.

      She flashes her white tooth at me as she stares at me with her bright green eyes, and even before the words slip through her parted lips, I knew exactly what it would be. "Don't miss me too much."  

   "You really need to stop saying that. There are so many other ways to say goodbye." I sigh. Trying to show my dislike even though the smile thriving on my face made it hard for me. 

      Lilly rolls her eyes like there was no way she's gonna change that and tugs at dad's hand, "We're getting late!" 

     Dad's eyes ride up to me, a silent question glimmering in them: Aren't your mom done yet? 

     He stares at the front door and then back to a pouting Lilly. "Mommy will be here soon, just wait a second." He says.

     "But my legs are aching." She whines. 

    With a quiet chuckle, dad scoops her in his large strong arms, earning a tiny squeal from her. She would die to have dad carry her like that. She would play any drama for it and this is one of them. 

    Lilly rests her head on dad's shoulder, a smile so bright illuminating her lips. 

     Mom rushes out of the front door and wraps me in her arms for a quick goodbye hug.  She drops a kiss on my forehead, "We'll be going. Don't go outside. I've got some new books for you. I hope you'll like it" She unwraps her arms around me, "It's on my table." 

     She always says don't go outside. Scared I might get in trouble.  Meet some people who give zero value to me and talk shit that will hurt me. 

    She is scared. And I was too until I'm not. 

     They give me a final goodbye, Lilly flying kisses in my direction and dad waving with a grin. 

    "Stay good. My Zera" He says, his green eyes pouring out so much warmth that even the sun can never offer. 

         "I will, Dad."

    I watch them leave until they disappear down the hill. The faint noise of Lilly's laugh is in the air and then nothing, a defeating Silence swaddling me. 

     I run back to my room

***

   My hair looks like fire flames as the afternoon sunlight pours inside my window painting it with its golden brush. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I've been staring for some time now.

      I watch the way my hair flows down my shoulders in waves. I watch how my freckles are messily scattered across my nose and cheekbones. I watch my lips red and glowing slightly from the way I bit down on them. I've been watching and watching but never satisfied since I'm watching it with my gray eyes. It kills the idea of me being beautiful.

      I'm never enough no matter how hard I try. 

      I sigh as if my disappointment would leave out of me with that little cloud of breath.

  I peek out of the window to my neighboring houses and find no one outside. I take it as a good sign and run downstairs, the way my foot promptly thudding on the wooden steps creating an unwanted melody. 

        I close the door ever so gently once I step outside, my eyes keep scouring every corner. Once again I find no one. 

   With a gentle intake of breath, I scramble down the hill, for a moment I can't feel my legs, it's as if I'm flying through the air, cutting through it like a bird. 

        It is when I get near the woods I stop running, my legs won't hurt anymore since I'm too used to it by now.

    The whispering of the waves is a distant noise as I stroll through the dense trees. The excitement bubbling inside me made my skin tingle, a silly smile refusing to leave my lips. 

      Would he be there? 

     I don't realize I'm standing in the ocean until a salt breeze slaps across my face. I stare ahead, to the glistening blue water alluring me to have a touch. But my mind is riding up to the treehouse, searching for him. And so are my legs. They are carrying me toward the large tree far across from the waves. 

      My heart is galloping up to my throat as I take each rusty wooden step of the treehouse. My finger fidgets on my dress as my wide eyes keep wandering to hold the gaze of that boy I am dying to see again. 

  I step inside the small hall of the treehouse praying to God that he will be there. but he isn't here, the small space is void of anyone. 

      My heart is in my throat. 

     The balcony. He needs to be there. 

     No one. 

     There Is no one. 

  This time the balcony is cold and lonely, with no Arlo to offer me the warmth I'm yearning for.   

     My heart drops down to the knots in my stomach.