78. Chapter 78

"I heard Susan's back," Derek's soft tone pulled Meredith from her studying. After assuring herself Susan was fine, Meredith had been unable to find her friends, so she had grabbed a textbook and found herself a bench outside to studying on. "Everything okay?"

She smiled at the concerned look in his eyes. "Just an infection. She'll be fine."

He nodded. "Good. I figured if anything was wrong-"

"I would have paged you," she finished before he could. "If anything was seriously wrong, you would have been the first to know. She's hooked up to IV antibiotics now." She smiled. "I stayed as long as she'd let me, then she kicked me out of her room, saying I had to study. I promised I wouldn't come back for at least two hours."

Derek chuckled. "Sounds like Susan."

"Why can't I say no to that woman?"

"Because you like her."

"So? I like you. I can still say no to you."

This time he laughed out loud. "True."

"It was nice to spend some time with them both this morning," she continued. "I, uh, told them that if we decided to have a ceremony, I wanted them there."

He smiled and kissed her. "Good."

Grasping onto his hand, she leaned her head against his shoulder. "It's nice."

"What is?"

"To feel like I have a family. He's never going to be a dad, not after everything, but maybe he could be a...something. And Susan is the closest thing I've ever had to a mom. And I know that I'm a grown up and I don't need a mom anymore, but it's nice to have someone there, you know?"

"I do."

"It's just a nice feeling."

"I'm glad. You deserve it."

She sighed and closed her eyes, enjoying the warm sun. It was so unusual for Seattle. "I think we should get married outside," she finally spoke.

"Hmm?"

"We should get married outside," she repeated. "Inside is stuffy and formal, and we...we aren't stuffy and formal. What do you think?"

"I think outside is great. We may get wet, but it would be us."

She giggled. "We'd probably get wet," she agreed.

He sighed and dropped her hand to wrap an arm around her. "It's such a nice day."

"I hope it stays this way."

Weather-wise, she got her wish. The sun stayed out and the clouds stayed away. It was a brilliant day outside the hospital. Inside, however, things were very different...

"What happened?" She demanded, running into Susan's hospital room out of breath after running up three flights of stairs in response to her nine-one-one page late that evening. In a series of domino effects, Susan's condition had progressively worsened as the day had gone on. Expecting that her step-mother would be staying in the hospital overnight, Meredith had rounded on her patients and headed for the cafeteria to grab something to eat so that she could stay with Susan. When she had received the page, her heart had begun beating frantically and she was overwhelmed with the sense that something bad was about to happen.

Something really bad.

"She's septic," Richard answered from Susan's bedside. "The sooner we get her to an OR, the sooner we can help her."

Meredith was passed Susan's chart, and she read furiously over the notes from the last few hours, hoping to find something that would help Susan.

"Richard, what...what happened?" Thatcher stuttered.

"Extremely rare complication," Richard responded. "Toxic megacolon with a perforation." He turned to Meredith. "Get your dad out of the room."

Meredith hesitated, looking at Thatcher. He looked so confused and lost. Distraught.

"How did it happen this fast?"

Richard barely glanced at the other man. "Sometimes it progresses this rapidly; very rarely, but sometimes. We've booked an OR."

"But...I didn't sign a consent form..." Thatcher stammered as the gurney carrying his very sick wife was pushed out of the room.

Richard stopped in the doorway, blocking Thatcher's path. "She needs surgery now, Thatcher. Not tomorrow. Not later today. Right now."

"Thatcher!" Susan called from the hallway, but Richard continued to block the doorway.

"You need to let us help her." And then he turned and caught up to the gurney.

"But...I..."

Meredith hesitated, torn between following Susan and staying to reassure Thatcher. "You need to stay back," she found herself saying.

"I didn't get to say..."

She nodded, glancing down the hallway. "I'll tell her for you." And then she turned and ran after the gurney in time to jump into the elevator.

Bailey and a surgical team were waiting on the OR floor as Susan was rushed off the elevator.

"Meredith," Susan mumbled weakly, grasping her arm.

"You're going to be okay. This happens. You're going to be okay," she repeated. "We're here, and you're going to be okay. Thatcher is waiting and he wants you to be okay."

Susan met Meredith's eyes, and Meredith's heart thudded painfully in her chest as she recognized the look in Susan's eyes; the look she had seen in the eyes of too many patients. "No, Susan, please. You're going to be okay."

Susan's eyes fluttered shut, and Meredith reached for her carotid. "We're losing her pulse!"

They pushed the gurney into the waiting OR and quickly moved Susan onto the surgical table.

"Her pulse," Meredith cried. "We're losing her pulse."

She was hooked up to surgical monitors, her pulse weak and irregular. The experienced surgeons got to work, but her stats continued to drop until a solid beep sounded on the heart monitor.

"She's coding!" Meredith yelled, turning to charge the paddles.

They shocked her. Once. Twice. Three times.

Nothing changed.

Meredith began chest compressions, while the surgical team worked around her. She lost track of the time spent fighting for Susan's life, only stopping compressions when the paddles were being used, again and again and again.

"Meredith," Bailey said gently.

She shook her head. "No. No, we're not stopping. She had the hiccups. We're not stopping."

"Let me take over," Bailey pushed at Meredith's hands.

Meredith allowed herself to be pushed away, breathing hard from the effort. She moved to the other side of the gurney and grabbed for Susan's hand, willing the woman to wake up.

Richard moved in with the paddles one more time.

Again, nothing changed.

Not that anyone in the room expected it to.

They had already carried on longer than they would have had the patient not been related to someone in the room.

And then, finally – horrifyingly – they stopped.

Time of death was called.

Meredith stood stalk still, clutching to Susan's hand, staring into the empty face of the woman who was quickly becoming the mother she had never had.

"Meredith," Bailey prompted, uncharacteristically gentle. Her hand fell on Meredith's shoulder.

"I..." She began, but trailed off when she realized she had nothing to say. How had this happened?

"Come on, Grey. We have to go talk to your father."

She nodded, squeezing Susan's hand before turning and following Bailey out of the OR. She scrubbed out on autopilot.

"Grey, do you need...anything?"

Meredith met her eyes, feeling numb. She shook her head.

Richard joined them in the scrub room, also scrubbing out. "There was nothing we could have done," he began. "Sometimes these things just happen and..." He continued on and on and on, attempting comforting words and phrases.

Meredith nodded numbly, not actually hearing any of the words he was speaking.

They cleared her out of the scrub room.

She followed them silently down the hallway and onto an elevator. They descended before the elevator was stopped one floor above the lobby.

Derek's form appeared as the doors opened, his smile quickly turning into a worried frown as his eyes took in the sight before him.

"What happened?" He asked as he quickly stepped onto the elevator, his sole attention on Meredith, stopping close in front of her.

Meredith met his eyes before her gaze fell. She reached her hands forward to clutch onto the lapels of Derek's lab coat. "Susan..."

Derek's hands found her hips. "Meredith," he murmured, looking to Bailey when Meredith couldn't answer.

Bailey shook her head.

Derek sighed in understanding. His hands moved from her hips to her back as he pulled her to him.

Still clutching to the fabric of his lab coat, Meredith leaned her forehead against his chest.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured into the top of her head.

Somewhere behind him, Bailey reached to stop the elevator, giving them a moment.

With a deep, shuddery breath, Meredith allowed a small series of tears to fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," He murmured.

She nodded against him, taking as much comfort as she could from his presence. She let him hold her for another long moment before pressing her hands against his chest.

With a kiss to her forehead, he released her. He reached for her face, but she brushed his hands away, wiping her own tears.

Bailey restarted the elevator.

Meredith allowed herself to meet Derek's eyes. He offered her a small, supportive smile. She nodded her thanks, but said nothing.

The elevator reached the ground floor and she stepped out, heading for the lobby. It was unspoken that she was to tell Thatcher. Without looking back, she knew Bailey and Richard had stopped. Without looking back she knew Derek had hesitated before also stopping. Without looking back she knew she was alone.

Thatcher was hunched over across the waiting room, his head in his hands. She slowed, wanting to delay this moment as long as she could, wishing she didn't have to do this.

Wishing none of this had ever happened. How had it happened?

Thatcher looked up, having heard her footsteps. He stood, his face eager for news; eager for good news.

His form became blurry as tears welled in her eyes.

His face fell as he read her expression.

She shook her head. "We did everything we could."

His hands went to his head as tears welled in his eyes.

"But...it was the hiccups... You said it was really simple. It was this simple thing..."

"It was..."

He raised his hand, and before she knew it, there was a stinging across her cheek.

She cried out, her hand to her cheek, before she even realized what had happened.

He'd hit her.

He was angry.

At her.

"She had the hiccups," he hissed. "She came here...because she trusted you..."

And Meredith had let her down.

Thatcher blamed her.

And maybe it was her fault. Maybe that's what had happened.

"I trusted you," he continued.

She had let them down. She had let down the family she was trying to be a part of. The family that was now no longer whole.

Unable to be there anymore, Meredith turned and rushed from the scene. Derek caught her, but she shook her head, muttering, "Not here," and racing down the hallway.

Footsteps hurried after her, so Meredith knew Derek was following. She hurried past the elevator for the stairs, and she was half-way to the basement before he caught up to her.

"Meredith," he called, grabbing her elbow. She fought him, but he held on, pulling her to his chest. "I'm here."

Clutching onto him tightly, she buried her face in his chest and cried.

His lips found her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I'm so sorry."

"I..." She stammered. "I..."

"Shh," he mumbled into the top of her head. "You don't need to say anything; not now."

Nodding, she wrapped her arms around him, shuddering violently.

Derek held her tight with one arm and used his other hand to run up and down her spine, offering her as much comfort as he could. "I'm here," he repeated.

She allowed herself to cry against him, the grief of the situation washing over her. Susan was gone. Gone. It all seemed so ridiculous. She had had the hiccups. No one died from the hiccups.

When her tears finally ran dry, Meredith sniffed and lifted her head, meeting Derek's eyes.

"Hey," he murmured, offering her a small smile.

"She's dead," Meredith heard herself whisper.

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

She inhaled a deep, shuddery breath.

"You did everything you could."

"But she's dead."

"Sometimes there's nothing you can do, you know that."

"She had the hiccups."

He leaned his forehead against hers. "Life doesn't always make sense."

"It's not fair."

"I know."

"He hates me."

Derek didn't have to ask to know who 'he' was. "Meredith, none of this was your fault." He pulled his forehead away from hers and reached a cautious hand to her cheek. "What he did...it's not acceptable. It was uncalled for."

She flinched as his finger tips touched her hair line, close to the tender skin of her cheek, not out of pain, but expected pain.

"Maybe I deserved it."

"Hey," he said sharply, his free hand finding her chin and forcing her eyes to his. "That's never acceptable. None of this was your fault."

She nodded, though she wasn't sure she believed him.

He sighed, but didn't push the issue. "Does it hurt?"

She shook her head. She felt numb all over.

"Do you want to-"

"I want to go home."

"Okay." He nodded. "I have to get my keys. Do you want to wait here? Come with me? Meet me at the car?"

"I'll go with you."

"Okay." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. "It's going to be okay."

"Okay," she repeated quietly.

He led her back up the stairs and out of the stairwell for the elevator. Thankfully, the elevator was empty, and they rode up to his office in silence.

She sat numbly on the couch in his office as he changed out of his scrubs and gathered his things.

"Meredith. Meredith!"

She jumped and looked to him.

He cocked his head. "Are you okay? I said your name a few times."

"Sorry," she whispered. "I didn't hear you."

His brow furrowed, but he dropped the issue. "Do you want to stop at your locker?" He extended his hand.

She took his hand and stood. "Yeah," she whispered after a long moment.

He offered her a small smile, that she tried to return, but couldn't.

The ride back down the elevator was as silent as the first. They exited together on the surgical floor. A few sympathetic looks were thrown their way, as the word was starting to spread, but no one said anything. Meredith was grateful.

They reached the intern locker room, and Derek followed her in.

Without having to think, Meredith opened her locker and then stopped, staring blankly at the contents.

"Meredith?" His voice was worried and his hand found her back.

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. "Sometimes really bad things just happen. There's no reason."

"I really liked her."

"I know. Me too."

"He hates me."

"He won't when he calms down. He's just upset."

She shook her head. "I don't understand how this happened." She understood the medicine. She understood the odds. She understood that life liked to throw curve balls. What she didn't understand was how this had happened to her. Again. After everything she had been through recently, how had this happened again?

"Come on," Derek prompted gently, pulling her hands from their frozen state against the side of her locker. "What do you need to get?"

He was trying to get her home before she broke down. He was going to get her home so she could break down.

She reached for her street clothes. Derek was the only other person in the room, so she quickly took off her scrubs and pulled on the jeans, shirt and coat she had worn in that morning. She then shoved the scrubs into her locker and grabbed her purse.

"You ready?"

She nodded and allowed him to take her hand and lead her from the locker room.

He took her out the side entrance, which was a longer walk, but would avoid the scene that may or may not still be unfolding in the front lobby.

They reached the car and Meredith silently let herself in the passenger door. She sat, pulled the door closed and buckled her seatbelt. She said nothing, simply stared through the windshield, wondering when it had started to rain. It was several moments before she realized they weren't moving.

"Do you need anything?" Derek asked quietly, his voice tender and loving and worried.

Her eyes welled, but she did not cry. "Just to go home."

He put the car into gear, backed out of the parking space and reached for her hand.

She allowed him to pull her hand to rest on his thigh, held tightly by his hand.

It was felt nice, like it was the only thing keeping her grounded. He loved her, she knew, even if she was numb.

The drive was silent, the only noise was the dull, rhythmic sounds of the wiper blades working together to keep the windshield clear of the rain.

Meredith stared at them.

Derek said nothing, knowing there was nothing he could say that would help. He understood her; knew what needed.

After what seemed like an infinity, and no time at all at the same time, Derek pulled the car into their driveway.

Meredith closed her eyes for a long moment, before slowly undoing her seatbelt and reaching for the handle of the door.

Derek followed her lead and met her in front of the car, following her to the front door.

She didn't try to unlock the door, instead waited for him to use his key.

The door opened, displaying the front hall. He ushered her in first.

It was warmer inside. There were voices in the living room. She slipped off her coat and allowed Derek to take it from her. Not that she would have cared if it had fallen to the floor.

Not that she would have noticed if it had fallen to the floor.

"Is that you, Mer? Finally!" Izzy's voice called from the living room. "Alex is a horrible study partner."

"Get a life," Alex's voice shot back. "I'm doing you a favour."

Meredith closed her eyes. She wasn't up to playing moderator for her roommates.

Derek's hand found the small of her back. "Do you want me to talk to them?"

She shook her head. "I'm okay."

"Mer?" Izzy again. "That is you, right?" Footsteps echoed, and suddenly she appeared in the doorway. Her expression fell at their appearance. "What's wrong?"

Meredith opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She shook her head. "Uh..." Progress. "Susan...uh..." Her eyes welled.

Izzy's eyes flickered to Derek, and then back to Meredith, now filled with sympathy. "Oh, Mer, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

She shook her head. "She..."

Alex appeared in the doorway as well, his expression dark and worry-filled as well. He could surmise what had happened without asking.

"It's okay," Izzy said, stepping forward and pulling Meredith into a tight hug. "You don't have to say anything."

Meredith nodded, her hands almost clutching at her roommate, making her a little more than a passive participant in the hug.

"We're here for you, Mer," Izzy continued. "Whatever you need."

"Thank you."

Izzy released her. "Do you need anything?"

"No."

Her roommate still looked worried, but accepted her answer.

"I...need to go...upstairs," Meredith stammered.

Izzy nodded and got out of the way. "Of course."

Alex's hand shot out as she passed, clutching to her forearm. "Hey," he whispered, his eyes telling her the same as Izzy had; telling her he cared, telling her he was there.

Meredith paused, meeting his eyes. "I know."

He smiled and dropped her arm.

She continued to the stairs, Derek right behind her.

Once in the quiet safety of their bedroom, Meredith felt her hands begin to shake. She didn't know what to do now.

Derek stopped behind her, his arms snaking around her waist. "Do you want a shower? Something to eat? Or just to go to bed?"

"Bed."

"Okay." He kissed the back of her neck and released her.

Meredith reached for the hem of her top, but paused, frozen, clutching to the fabric. And suddenly Derek's hands were on hers, pulling upward, prompting her.

She pulled the garment over her head and dropped it to the floor. Her forehead creased when she realized Derek had stripped down to his boxers. She didn't know how long she had been frozen for.

With a deep breath, she reached for the fly of her jeans.

When she was left in nothing but her underwear, Derek was there, pressing a shirt into her hands.

It was his shirt. One she had taken a liking to early on in their relationship. It was old and soft and worn. And it smelled like him.

It was comforting, and he knew it. He knew what she needed.

She pulled it over her head and padded over to the bed.

Derek got in beside her, his arms reaching for her.

She allowed herself to be pulled against his chest. "I feel numb," she whispered, as if it was a secret she could only speak in the dark.

He kissed her forehead. "I know. That's okay."

A few tears fell from her eyes. "I can't believe she's gone."

"Me either."

"I..." he voice cracked. The numbness wasn't strong enough to protect her from the sudden stabbing of pain she felt in her chest. "I think I loved her."

His arms tightened around her. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. If I could make it so none of this happened I would."

"I know." She pressed her face into his chest and breathed heavily.

"Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can say?"

"Just hold me," she murmured.

"Okay." He kissed the top of her head and continued to hold her tight. "I'm here."

AN: Please don't hate me. I agonized over the decision of what to do about Susan, but in the end I had to go with the reason I started this fic in the first place; to explore what would have happened had Derek picked Meredith in the beginning of season 2. I didn't want Susan to die either, but as I continue into season four, the storylines would have been too different. As season three (finally) comes to an end in the next few chapters, a few things that happened on the show won't happen here. The things that do happen, in relation to Meredith and Derek, will happen a bit differently. One thing in particular, that I'm sure I'll also be hated for, HAS to happen. But I'm asking you to keep an open mind, because it will seem wrong, but will end in a way that fits who Meredith and Derek are now.