Okay, you asked for a critique on the forums yesterday, so here goes:
(I know I said I would do comments but...eh, have this instead)
1. If you started publishing this from chapter 12, it would have made a better start for a webnovel.
Why? Immediate gratification.
A reader of an online novel does not buy a whole book, but checks a couple of chapters to see if the story is readable. If not, the novel is discarded.
At first glance, the MC of this novel is an eighteen year old acting like a spoiled five year old. That's fine. Everyone has experienced being young and dumb at eighteen. A bad personality at the start doesn't matter if you're going the character development route.
However, the initial impression of the MC is too unlikable in this case. An online novel has to hook the reader within the first 1000 words. In that thousand words, you have to show that the MC has traits that would attract readers to continue to the next chapter and then the next.
Another note -- every System novel with a super-interactive System containing a sapient AI has two main characters: the System and the protagonist. That means you have to develop the System personality as well.
That said, your SARS AI system has too much passive-aggressive troll in its bloodlines that it automatically pulls aggro. The killing intent it attracts from the average passer-by is devilish, my friend!
Not a bad thing, really. Honestly I think a lot of the potential of a trolling AI has been wasted in many novels. But again as with the MC, the line is immediate gratification.
It took ten chapters for me to get into the story. That's too long to attract those filthy dilettantes with short attention spans (like me, hoho) that are internet novel readers.
2. In the initial chapters, the major problem apart from the bad first impression is that the character has no stated goals other than the generic 'get to the top of the gamer heap' implication. That's the long-run goal.
How about short-term goals? That's where the subplots come in. They make the worldbuilding and the character development a bit richer, the depth and flavor of the story a bit fuller. If you're going to write 500 chapters of just gamer activity, it's going to get dull.
You started building on a character development story in the first chapters, right?
What happened to that? Suddenly there was little character development that I could see. The MC suddenly was less irritating around chapter 20 or so, but no idea where that came from...
When making a character, some of the most important questions to ask are: What does the character desire? What will he lose if he does not get what he desires? What is he willing to lose to get what he wants?
The MC in the beginning shows an inferiority complex and covers it with bravado and anger issues. Nice start. Lots of emotion, and strong fundamentals. But then how to develop the person with those problems into the endgame character, the powerful gamer at the top of the heap?
It suddenly felt, after the first ten chapters or so, that plot development ran rampant.
3. Another problem of the initial chapters, your worldbuilding came too late! Put some nice detail in the first 3000 words, yo!
It doesn't have to be dense or in-depth. In fact, it's better if it's not dense or in-depth.
For example, the beginning paragraphs of the chapter 'Real Life Techniques' should be situated nearer the start of the story. Why wait 60 chapters before giving readers a glimpse into why the game War Grounds is so popular that the MC would play it to the hilt?
The problem with in-game scenarios, it's a bit difficult to get into because well, it's a game. No matter what effort or emotion expended, it's still a game. So it calls only to a certain kind of reader. If in-game actions meaningfully connected to the MC's 'real' life in the beginning stages of the novel, it would draw larger viewership.
Most people live with real-life being their only reality. A story in a setting that is too close to real life but does not affect that hard reality will not move them.
This is why stories about RPGs where you can exchange in-game money for real-life cash are popular; because the game connects to and affects the outside world. Some novels do it by connecting in-game achievements with real-world perks and status, or by resolving real-world disputes with in-game contests, or things similar. It's also why those novels have a lot of exposition about game mechanics in the beginning chapters, blegh. Balance is key!!
By the way, I read somewhere that pro-gamers can get scholarships to college? Very cool. You can add that as an example of in-game to real-world connection too.
Recommendation: You know, if you wrote this in a fantasy/science-fiction world, people would be all over it.
4. The dark web isn't something that can just be accessed so easily with a single search. What, is it the hidden-not-hidden ***** shop over by the corner market or something?
Trading something like a System AI? At least have the best friend know a guy who knows a guy who could give him a single-use passcode on a website that disappears after the passcode expires. Otherwise, where's my thrill?
You could get a couple more subplots from just this if you wanted. Like for example the passcode was a trap by the police to catch illegal traders over the internet or the SARS AI was uploaded from a rogue government agent and meant for advanced military training or something. Imagine the trouble you could get your MC into.
4. Work on metaphors a bit. The phrase 'broke another ice' as a version of 'break the ice' is awkward. Maybe try 'made another attempt at breaking the ice' instead. Oh, and the first chapter third sentence 'It was a sore for the eyes'. I read that multiple times as 'it was a sight for sore eyes' which means an entirely different thing and wrote an entire paragraph on just that before reading it again and understood it meant 'eyesore' ahaha. Just say 'it was an eyesore'. The simple things are the best. ;)
Things like 'knock knock' 'crash!' 'bang!' should be used sparingly or not used at all. Using sentences instead looks more professional, like 'a series of knocks sounded' 'something crashed loudly' 'the whole room jumped at the sudden bang of the door'.
Or alternatively, add a sentence or two to assist with impact. For example: 'Blast! The burst of energy pulsed more powerfully than he expected.'
Grammar and sentence structure good with only minor problems: spelling errors, use of its and it's. Be careful to maintain the same tense overall, you flip between past and present every now and then.
5. One thing, is the prevalent culture western or eastern based? It looks mostly western so even if I could find reason for a kid named Nisha Kagashi calling someone 'big brother' (though the name has a bit more Russian steppes flavor than Japanese or Chinese), a guy named Al Gentrix bowing multiple times in apology to a Sophia Hestias when both sides of the conversation don't have that cultural quirk in their respective traditions is aaawkward.
It's weirdly off-putting to mix cultures without reason, especially when the characters are not born into said culture, so eh, easy on the otaku tendencies dear author, haha!
Also, easy on the references. I read Sophia Hestias and imagine a slightly psychopathic crossbow-wielding shadow-user bullying the MC instead of being the love interest. ...wait, was that a reference in the first place? If not, forgive the results of too much lurking on the internet...
Overall, grammar and sentence structure are good. In my opinion you just need experience. Your scenes are full of action, very nice. The in-game fights are a bit long, but the detail and emotions are excellent.
Remember to include downtime. Writing a story arc to a climax is like edging, it has high points and low points but every high point is higher than the one that came before.
It's a pretty good story. Go easy on the casual use of invectives though, even if in reality gamers can be more crass...internet readers may say a lot of things but so many of them can be offended by rude language, especially international readers. Besides, f**k and s**t and variations thereof are already so last decade. Come up with more creative insults, yo!
Keep on writing and reading, author, and don't be discouraged by the upsets of life. Writing is extremely valuable for inner peace cultivation! ;)
Taking a look at more media in the game genre can broaden your horizons, so don't just keep to a single form of media. I can only talk about things I've watched and read, so to you may I recommend the books 'Ender's Game' and 'Ender's Shadow' by Orson Scott Card, the 'Log Horizon' anime, and the 'Ready Player One' movie?
Keep on trucking, writer!
