Chapter 5 He finally knows it

AHLAM.

I was on route to my bedroom to take my prescribed medication when I noticed Aahil hot on my hills calling out my name "Why are you following me?" I asked, stopping a couple of metres away from the door "Someone will see us" I warned him but I may as well have saved my breath as he didn't have the faintest care in the world if he was seen with me; a poor orphan girl.  Why can't he just leave me alone? I really don't want him getting acquainted with me.  Seriously! It's bad enough having to fight the strange abnormal feelings I'm beginning to experience whenever he's around me.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) reported to have said "Blessed is the wealth of a Muslim who gives to the poor and the orphans" Children become orphans by no fault of their own.

He was watching me intently when he questioningly asked me "Have you been crying?"

With my eyes wide, I stared at him for a brief moment then hung my head and shook it in denial.  If the truth be told, I have in fact been crying but I wasn't about to admit that to him.  Sadly, for the majority of the day, I've been struggling silently with an excruciating pain in my left hand and just like clockwork; at that very precise moment, the recurring pain in my hand had me clenching my eyes and biting into my lower lip to stop the agonising pain from making me groan out aloud.

Knitting his brows together and declaring his concern, he held out his hand for mine and said meticulously "Here, let me take a look," but I agonisingly refused and bought my arm painfully down to my side and looked away. Seconds… minutes went by in silence until I finally heard him breathe in and out frustratingly.

"So… let me get this right, you talk to everyone and take care of everyone but insensitively quarantine yourself away from me, am I right?" he said with such sadness.

Feeling myself become rigid and my legs become weak, I clutched onto my silver Allah symbol necklace tightly that could still be seen beneath my emerald green hijab and was so thankful that my religion Islam had me modestly covered.  Wearing a simple black fitted and flare dress from the neck down to the ankles, with tight fitted sleeves down to the wrist. I was so relieved he wasn't able to see my unsteady legs.

How can I openly share with him how distraught I really feel and how his words are truly disturbing me?  How can I share with him that I've been fighting with my feelings ever since I first set eyes on him; How can I?  Without looking at him I said the first lame thing that came to mind "You are a guy," and surprisingly heard his laughter burst out loud; sending a flood of warmth up my neck and into my face.

"Yeah! I am 100 per cent a guy and this guy would really like to get to know you" he said laughingly.

Sensing him approaching, I took a step back.  What is he doing? Why is he looming so close? What we're doing is haram; Astaghfirullah!

Turning to look at him, I said inconsiderately "I don't want to get acquainted to you or anyone, I just want to be left alone!  Why can't you understand that?" I exclaimed

Stroking his hand over his stubble as if in deep thought, I stared at the man who normally stood tall with poise and for a flicker of a second, I recognised nervousness, discomfort and uncertainness "one day or another Ahlam, you will have to settle down" he said painstakingly.

Unbelievable! what's wrong with this guy? He's the head of a multimillion-dollar business company and out of all the girls he could have, he's bothering me… why?

As if reading my mind, he shared something so ambiguous that it disturbed me in ways I couldn't even express "My mother has annoyingly been pestering me about marriage ever since I've returned home" he revealed, searching my face for a flicker of hope "… and so, earlier today I have informed her of my interest in one girl who I've had my eyes on her ever since I spotted her across a crowded room" he said precariously.

I can't believe this I thought; fighting back tears, why has this bit of news affected me so badly?  Turning my gaze towards a nearby window, I focussed on a beautiful bluebird tweeting away on a nearby ledge and silently prayed that I wish I was able to fly away with it someplace and hide.  Then overhearing him suddenly draw in a deep breath, he continued with his confession but not before tipping his head to one side trying to catch my attention with a lopsided grin "if this particular girl does not accept me, then no one else can or will take her place" he ended softly, noticing my distraught face.

He's so heartless!! Why isn't he sharing this intimately somewhere with his soon to be fiancée and her family?  And why is he continuously trying to capture a reaction from me?

Hearing only the pounding of my own heart, we both just stood there silently, while his eyes were trying to grab my attention for what seemed like an eternity.  And even through my hand was still aching like mad, all kind of emotions were circling around in my head, until he eventually said in a firm tone "I will wait for her forever, however long it takes.  I only want her"

So why is he telling me this? What does he want from me?

I decided there and then to look up at him and immediately regretted doing so.  His eyes were penetrating so deeply into mine; searching for something, some kind of reaction. Why? I don't understand?

Oh, Ya Allah! why did I look up? "so why do you not bother her instead of me?" I asked yearningly

"Because my dear Ahlam, that girl is you and no other" he replied optimistically.

Astonished by his words, I took in a deep breath and spoke out spontaneously "I am not even your type!  I am not even to your level; your standard!  I am no one!  I will not even be able to keep up with your society of friends, business acquaintances and associates as they will only just make fun of me or you when we're seen together.  You are without a doubt a very handsome man and from what I've seen so far; caring and loving too with an amazing family.  You have wealth, a status in life while I have nothing.  I am just a normal girl left alone to survive and to learn to be independent of losing her family."

Taking in another deep breath, I continued with what he's been kept in the dark from "I still have faint bruises over my body and I'm partly burnt from the incident where I lost my wonderful family but with your mother and Hania's nursing and love, I have been healing every day.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life Masha'Allah.  My left hand isn't fully functional, which you've seen with your own eyes and maybe never will be but only Allah knows what He has in store for me.  So…. knowing all I've told you, tell me, do you still want to be with me?  How will you manage to keep me happy?  To marry someone like me?" I asked bitterly, waiting for his truthful answer.

I waited and waited for his reply; searching his eyes for an answer but none came.  All I got back was a look of pure astonishment and a glazed sorrowful look in his eyes.

I looked down; tormented when I realised how much was said.  Wiping away my tears with the backs of my shaky hands, I ran off into my room without looking back or waiting for his reply.  I didn't want to hear his reply… not now… not ever.  First Hania knew about me then one day I told her parents and now even Aahil knows.  All of them must now be pitying me but I didn't want their kindness and compassion – not anyone's!  I just want to be left alone. 

Truth be told, I needed to get away but where would I go?  Oh! how messed up is this? Ya Allah! what must he be thinking of me? Why did I reveal all to him? What have I done?

Alone in the privacy of my room, I walked over to the giant fireplace and dropped to my knees on one of the beautiful and colourful assorted floor cushions and painfully sobbed my heart out.  However much I kept wiping away my tears, they just kept returning endlessly.

Oh! family… I'm missing you all so much.  I cannot take this emptiness I'm feeling is not having you all in my life.  I miss you…. After Allah, you all were my protection and guidance in this worldly life.  Why did you have to leave me so soon?

A long time passed when Aahil could hear the muffled but distinct sounds of Ahlam's quiet sobbing from their adjacent rooms; guilt eating him up. What have I done? He asked himself. 

He wanted to climb over the balcony rails again but knew it wouldn't go down well with her… he wanted to reach out and pull her soaked frame against his to soothe her but knew it would be ethically wrong.

Half an hour or so later, my eyes swollen and my chest in pain from sobbing, I was splashing my face with lukewarm water in the bathroom when I heard an occurring but gentle knock on the door.  Thinking it was him, I said harshly "Go away!" but the knock continued.

"Ahlam? It is me, Hania" she whispered

Adjusting my hijab, I pinched my cheeks for a bit of colour and bravely said "come in Hania"

Upon seeing me, her eyes widened in disbelief in seeing the state I was in.

"Were you expecting someone else?" she asked teasingly.

"No!" I replied straight away.

"Then what's wrong with you? Why have you been crying?" She asked suspiciously but all that came to mind was; why has she come to check up on me out of the blue? Did someone send her?

"Aahil sent me," she said and we both stared at each other spontaneously; enquiringly.

"Oh," I replied shortly after.

Walking over to the purple lounger, I sat down and buried my face in my hands and blurted out all to her

"I don't know what overcame me Hania," I said looking up awkwardly "I didn't even wait for his reply"

By now, Hania was sitting next to me with a supportive arm around my shoulders; wearing an ecstatic look on her face, "Relax Ahlam, let my brother decide what is best for the both of you.  You were scared before that if you told him he would back off but I doubt he will; he's crazy about you!  I have never seen him like this before.  For the past few days, he hasn't even been able to focus on his work until he thated his feelings with you."

"I don't know what to say," I said in a low voice.

"Just let everything tide over in its course Ahlam," she said and I nodded in agreement.  I then began to wonder if she ever loved someone or had a story behind that happy face of hers.

"He knows everything…" I told her again, feeling unsettled, restless and insecure.

"I think it was for the best that you spoke out because now everything is on the table and It will help him to know you better," she said. 

"Please now, try to get a good night's sleep okay? You will need to look beautiful tomorrow at breakfast in case we're to discuss this further Insha'Allah".

I didn't feel asleep that due to crying into my pillow until early hours of the morning and only managed to get some sleep after I prayed fajr.

****

"Assalamualaikum" I greeted everyone once I reached the breakfast table.  I scanned the room for Aahil but there was no sign of him… I knew he would back off.

Ya Allah, what was I feeling? Why am I feeling disappointed? What's wrong with me?Do I have the right to feel this way?

"Walaikumsalam" they all replied in unison. There was a few hush tones and whispering going on among them but I made it a point never to eavesdrop, so I just got on in helping prepare breakfast. Something really sounds fishy here.

"Ahlam, there is a gift for you on the table," aunty said with a smile and I looked at her with a stunned face. No one ever gave me present, it's been so long so who has sent now?

"Gift? From who?" I asked in a surprised tone but none of them said anything; just smiled. Now, what's this new confusion, smiling faces, hiding things from me?

"Well I have no idea dear, I just saw your name and waited for you to come downstairs.  Maybe it's from a secret admirer" she said raising her eyebrows questioningly and with a smile still glued to her face.  Hania whispered something into my ears a few seconds later, which made my eyes widen with embarrassment and I had to tell her to stay silent otherwise her mother would overhear.

I noticed uncle and aunty stealing glances between themselves and thought it was so cute to see such love, even at their age.

I wondered who sent me the gift, a secret admirer? I doubt that but I couldn't think of anyone who would send me a gift since losing my family, no one else cared for me apart from the people I'm currently staying with.

****

No matter what your physical appearance, as long as you have kindness in your heart, you're the most beautiful person in the world and if others cannot see that, then they're not worth knowing.

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Who do you think has sent the gift?