4 Chapter 4 I want to know you

Don't feel low and when you feel low you pray, Allah knows you are praying in the early morning, HE knows your silent whispers, have patience, as HE is always there.

Try as much as you can to lower your gaze and wait for the one meant for you.

Ahlam.

1.45 pm. I prayed Zhur once done I folded my janamaz (prayer mat) away but a short time later I felt an urgent need to pray to The One and Only Allah. 

While in Sujood (prostrating) position, I began crying my eyes out, showering Him with all my problems, pain and worries. There is no one who knows me better than He. 

Telling your problems to people; whoever they may be can sometimes spread out among others but when you confide and cry out to Allah alone, it stays between Him and you; How beautiful is that? Subhan'Allah (Allah is Perfect).

Wiping away my tears, I felt so contented and at peace compared to earlier and signed in relief that I made supplication to Allah.  Wiping away my tears, I removed my prayer scarf and black hijab I like to wear when praying to ensure I was decently covered but while I was in the process of folding them away with my janamaz by the Quran in the open bed stand drawer, three loud knocks on the door startled me making me accidently knock over a glass vase from the nightstand.  Letting out a piercing squeal, I stared down at the beautiful red velvet scented roses scattered among the broken glass on the stone floor.

For a moment, I was too startled to do anything but just gape at the mess I created and try to calm my unstable left hand.  Remembering the knock on the door, I hastily decided whether to bring my hair forward to disguise my tear stained stricken face or to wear my hijab; I decided on the latter.  Picking up a blue head scarf, I quickly wrapped it around my head, fully covering my long black hair and answered "come in

"

I started to wear a hijab when I reached the age of 13 to curb possible sexual desires from the opposite sex and for religious beliefs.  My mother used to always say to me "habibi (my love or a word similar) only allow your future husband and close family to see your hair down freely, preserve your true beauty for them alone to see only."

Since the incident, my left hand wasn't capable of handling much gravity or tension that only Hania and her mother Faiza were aware of.  Today, it was hurting me a lot so I had it supported in the pocket of my long midnight blue A-line dress, which touched the tops of my bare feet.  Displayed with white floral flowers from the hem of the long sleeves and at the bottom that was rousing ever so slightly from the gentle breeze of the open balcony doors.

When nobody responded I presumed whoever it was decided to walk away, so raising and contracting my shoulders I casually said audibly "oh well"

Turning, I was astounded when my eyes unexpectedly landed on Aahil who was causally lounging against the open balcony doors.  His dark brown eyes studying me, steadily searching my face from my eyes to my lips…. Lingering on my lips.  I wasn't even aware that I was staring back until he spoke out in a warm and gentle tone "Assalamu Alaikum" (Peace be unto you) with a cute smile playing on his lips.

Distancing myself away from him and lowering my gaze in embarrassment, I replied back in a whisper "Waleikumsalam."

We stood there for a few moments, in silence.  My gaze on my bare toes, peeking through the hem of my long dress; his, burning gaze into me.

Hearing Aahil draw in a deep breath, he slowly walked towards me but not close enough to invade my personal space.

"Why are you trying to ignore me Ahlam?" he softly spoke.

I tried to refrain myself from looking up at him but his voice was so alluring; drawing me in.

Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness in Allah) Would it be so wrong for me to glance up at him for a split second?

"So… your willing to meet the stranger who is interested in asking for your hand in marriage but so desperate in trying to avoid me?" he continued in a pained tone while I just stood there.

He tilted his head a little to have a better look at me, which I tried resisting but soon realised I lost the battle when I eventually looked up and came face to face with his concerned face.

My mind was going into overdrive…. How on earth did he get to my balcony?

What was he even doing here?

I knew his name was Aahil but knew nothing more than that.

"Please" I begged him.  I don't know what I was begging for… to stop him questioning me? for him to leave my bedroom?

As if he read my thoughts, he said "I knocked on your door earlier to call you down for lunch but then I heard you yell and something smash and…"

Taking a moment, he swallowed hard and continued "…you didn't answer" he said nervously. 

He searched my face before adding "your room's adjacent to mine Ahlam, I was worried you may've hurt yourself.  I'm sorry if I stepped over your 'Aahil' barrier" he said with a slow smile working its way across his face and into his warm eyes.

I was totally taken back by his honesty. "Whether you try covering your face with your hair or incessantly keep your gaze downwards, I will always see you for who you are" he said openly

"… and I see you've been crying?" he continued sympathetically.

What!? How did he know…. How long was he standing there watching me for? I jumped back, lowering and draping the bottom half of my scarf over my face. Ya Allah! how did he know I've been crying? How did he know I was deciding whether to shield my face with my hair?

"It's better if you stay away from me… please," I pleaded with him through the cloth of my scarf.

I could hear his footsteps approaching even closer until he was about an arm's length away from me.  His adjacent presence and the heavenly scent of his aftershave was making me jittery and I felt myself starting to panic.  What's happening to me?

"You can lie to everyone else around you Ahlam but not me.  By the way, I have spoken to my mother and have asked her to refuse the family whom are interested in you and she has agreed" he said pleased but why? Why did he care? Why is he theforming me about this here and now? alone.  I played with my fingers nervously, he was way too close and I've never been this close to a guy unaccompanied before.

"I know your hurting I really do but please give me the benefit of the doubt and allow me to get to know you like the rest of my family does" he said miserably.  "You have continuously kept your distance from me, why is that? Do you know how much that pains me?"

Shocked by his outspoken confession and not knowing how to react to it, I remained silent.

"Do you?" He asked again with an added husky edge to his voice that sent shivers through my entire body.  Alarmed with my new foundation of inner feelings I was beginning to experience, I remained silent and just shook my head.

"Ahlam I…." 

Not able to take anymore, I infuriatingly removed the scarf away from my face and glared up at him angrily but not without releasing a flow of questions I was yearning to say "Why are you doing this? Why can't you just stay away from me?you can get any girl you want of your standard; of your class.  Someone who can handle your lifestyle.  Why me?" I explained to him. 

"My life is full of darkness, full of mourning. Why can you not understand that I don't want to drag anyone into it?you want to know me as you say yeah ?You will not t accept me when you will know the real me, you won't even be able to praise me in public, let alone look at me.  I will be an embarrassment to you.You will get tired of my incapability's" I kept on and on and Aahil just stood there with his arms crossed listening wordlessly.

When he sensed my release of hostile judgements and opinions ended, he defended himself by saying "Why are you talking undesirably and negativly about yourself and me.  You don't know me but if you made an effort to know me, you'd see I'm not the kind of person who will neglect or be unsupportive to someone I care about. 

You are right, I may have a status but that does not mean I'm a bloke with no heart or hung around specific kind of folks because of my status.  You have no right to say that Ahlam" he said in a strict tone "why can't you just give me a chance and agree for me to be the judge of your character?" he begged shortly after.

When there was no reply….

"Come. We better go downstairs and join them for lunch, they must be wondering where we've vanished to" he said in a stern tone and I just glanced towards his retreating back; sighing a sigh of relief when he was gone from view.

This guy will make me go crazy. What's wrong with everyone ?

I walked into the ensuite bathroom towards the sink and turned on the cold water and with my good hand, shakenly dampened my teacher-stained to remove any traces of dried tears "Ya Allah, please guide me" I murmured.  Grabbing my specs, I headed downstairs towards the open plan kitchen, all the while recalling what Aahil had said.  Everyone welcomed me optimistically; all except he, who was looking down at his plate; brows drawn together.

"We were waiting for you my dear, what took you so long?" uncle Firoz said whilst pulling out a seat and gesturing me to take a seat.  Dear uncle Firoz, he had so many similar comparisons as my late father; such a warm and caring person.  Why does this family love me so much in such a short time? I questioned myself.

"I am so very sorry for making you all wait, I had an accident upstairs and accidentally dropped a vase on the floor…"

"Ahlam! Are you hurt?" auntie Faiza spoke out rushing to my side.

"No! no! auntie, I'm okay but I still need to clean up the mess I created" I added apologetically.  She waved her hand up in the air before bending to give me a hug saying "do not worry about that Ahlam, I will arrange for someone to clean it up for you Insha'Allah (if Allah wills it).

Returning to her seat, I looked around and caught Hania stealing suspicious glances at me and her brother and I just shook my head disapprovingly. 

Glad that I decided to put my specs on for lunch, I bravely stared at Aahil again and couldn't deny that he was a very handsome man.  With his fashionable styled thick black hair cut short at the back and sides and his intoxicating blue eyes th, it was very rare to see on a Pakistani man and then I felt myself turn crimson when he looked up and caught me staring.  His eyes silently questioning me if I was okay, which I decidedly ignored.

There was something else about the way he was staring at me that I couldn't put my finger on, with his sardonic smile and lips twisted a little to one side.  He looked like a Greek model Mash'Allah (God has willed it) and then suddenly, his reaction changed.

"Ahem!" someone coughed and I lowered my gaze immediately.Si this is what I was avoiding .

Astaghfirullah!(seeking forgiveness) How embarrassing of me.  What is wrong with me?  Was I just now checking him? And why did his reaction suddenly change?  Ya Allah! Please help me!

Can a guy and girl ever be friends ?Is it allowed ?

Conscious and embarrassed that his family noticed us staring at each other, Hania's teasing tone said "Your staring contest can continue but please, can we have our lunch first?" she laughed and she has bad habit of teasing me, wait till her turn. She's become a part of me so easily, a sister to me.

I looked down shyly, feeling strange emotions with in me, what's wrong with me?

******

"I want to know you" a voice startled me and I just flinched back. What should I do? Like I wanted to stay away from drama and all chaos of love life, no one is trusted, I just didn't know what to do next?