17. Gide wants to cry

I turned to Franklin, then looked Gideon in the eye again and left them alone. Gideon's eyes were tired, as if all hope had been sucked out of his body. I did not feel well, of course I did not feel well I remembered what it was like to be near him, I felt every feeling with the same intensity of that night when he abandoned me and left. I was furious with myself that I had allowed him to approach and play with me as he pleased. And I, with my insatiable curiosity, agreed to be part of the game, to get away from reality. Because I believed, I believed foolishly that magic existed, there were creatures that our eyes could not see. I believed that maybe I was more important than 'school, work, home'. The cafes had no magic and neither the bars nor the walks in the park. I felt like I had made a promise I was not keeping, as if I had bigger wars than those of depression and anxiety. As if the war I no longer had alone with myself to adapt to the reality I knew, to the world as an alien visitor for the first time. I could not leave. If the reason Gide approached me, tried and persuaded me that we were reincarnated lovers would only be to take me on this journey because they need me, then I felt so stupid that I do not deserve psychiatry but to enter deep down earth covered with the mud of my shame. I had been told many things, most of them did not make sense nor did they relate to each other. I wanted to ask him, I wanted to take all the answers I needed but I could not do it because my knees were trembling in front of him.

He did not even let me cry for him, as you suffer for someone when he leaves. At least experience the pain it caused me and get over it. But it made me forget it without warning, so that when I remembered it I did not know how to forget it. I went like crazy that night, I suffered, including my family, how much I upset them. Not that he abandoned me, that he hurt me a lot inside, but from the anger, from the rage he had set for me, to take my memories. Forgetting it, I would forget that I had witnessed that magic existed, that there was hope for me. I wanted to write, I wrote about it.

I wanted to sleep, to escape to sleep so that when I woke up everything was fixed with magic. I smelled his scent as his body slammed behind my back and surrounded me with arms to keep me from moving.

"Get off me!"

"Shshsh!" He sighed as he caressed the palm of my hand with his thumb.

"I can do it myself." I withdrew my hand but he returned it to the same position.

"It is not the same. You can't sleep like that."

"I can't sleep because of the thoughts, the lies that you and your father told me."

"There are no lies, only reservations, what you were told is true."

I tried to free myself from his arms but he was stronger than me.

"Let me get up, I can't speak trapped like this!" He released me slowly and when I turned I saw a slight smile on his face.

"When you express your dissatisfaction you speak with your hands moving in the air."

"Anyway. There are no lies you said, for example that my boyfriend was dead, told by you. It was supposed that the memory would come back to me from the man I loved, ok it came back to me. But since I chose to go back to the memory it was that weird guy who offered me my magical abilities, would I get them that easily with a snap of fingers?'

He was just looking at me with an idiotic smile on his face with eyes that glowed.