Attack of Lady Carp

In paradise, Fitz lies on his back, in the buff, on a shabby chic bed. For the first time since his wedding, he's never felt so much bliss.

Far beneath a very tall peak, Liv trembles, as she prepares to climb it. This'll be a bitch. It'll be an even bigger bitch than what she's used to, as a lawyer who turns scandal into praise for a living. She shouldn't be too intimidated. She's a bitch, after all, and she's merely fighting foes who're qualified to fight her. But this peak is Mt. Grant; and no Pope chick has ever been up it.

She has one advantage, though. Mellie Grant has never been up it, either.

"Better get a move on, Liv," Fitz's voice thunders across the air. "I won't stay hard all night...as much as I'd love to."

Liv sighs, and gets a move-on. This isn't too challenging. As a little girl, she was in fist fights with Rhonda Rousseys of women who didn't give her half as much trouble as this is, as she climbs it. Heck, she even took on Mt. Rogers, in Virginia, when she was slightly older. Naturally, though, this is a steeper climb. And not to mention quite sticky...

"Go back down," he commands.

Liv hesitates. She's tempted to look down. She does. She trembles more.

Liz screams, as she falls. She barely grabs one of Fitz's pubic hairs...

Hard, Fitz is gripping two slats within the bed's headboard. When Liz hits the end of his hair's slack, he doubles forward...inadvertently taking the slats out of the headboard.

Without trying to, he dives both, crossed, into the chest of...a VERY horrifying intruder. It's big, built like a human, and looks like a tilapia.

It opens its huge mouth, and looks Fitz in the face with its dark eyes. Fitz gapes back. At some point, he notices that the behemoth's been skewered, in the chest, by two sticks, and is showing no signs of dying. At that, Fitz screams.

Queen Tilapia retaliates. She roars, and ejects a shitload of mucus from her huge mouth, drenching Fitz in it.

Far below, Liv cowers, like a tiny ant, beneath Queen Tilapia's undercarriage. (A very ghastly sight, by the way...)

"Fitz," Liv shouts. "Fitz, I'm scared!"

Fitz leaps off the bed, and runs. He barely notices the painful tug of the hair in his groin, as Liv helplessly swings from it, as it's a long fall to the floor.

Still in the buff, Fitz gets to the kitchen. He digs through all the drawers, desperate to find the knives.

Behind him, Queen Tilapia charges him. Just in time, Fitz finds the knives.

He jabs Queen Tilapia, in the chest, with every one he finds. They all go into her. None weaken her. Terrified, Fitz pushes her over, and tries to run.

She catches up with him, tackles him, and rolls with him onto the sofa. She's atop him. Fitz is cornered. Looks like she's going to win...

Without thinking, Fitz grabs a lit lamp from a bedside table nearby, and tries to smash Queen Tilapia in the head with it. The lamp smashes, alright...alas, Queen Tilapia doesn't shed a single vital.

With her slimy fin, she wrestles the lamp from his grasp, and breaks it in two with both fins. Terrified, Fitz gapes up at her.

"There is no light," she hisses, sounding like a black girl, "that can overcome darkness...President Grant II!"

Fantastic; a white fish that sounds like a black girl. But of course, tilapias DO come from Mozambique...

Seeing his opportunity, Fitz rolls off the couch, and runs. He knocks Queen Tilapia over in the process.

He runs across the room. It's very large. Behind him, Queen Tilapia starts chasing him. Here and there, small pieces of furniture sit.

As he runs, Fitz grabs them. He throws them all behind him, trying to slow the beast down. He doesn't. She sure is one durable bitch...

From his hair, Liv helplessly swings, too scared to let go. She's getting tired...

Fitz's escape dead-ends at a wall. The wall is bare, aside from a painting hanging from it. It's of Mrs. Robinson's hose-clad leg, from the old movie the Graduate. Somehow, in this situation, it looks like one pathetic excuse for a last resort...

Fitz looks behind him. Queen Tilapia's gaining too much ground too fast. Desperate, he rips the picture off the wall, with both hands. He winds back, and throws it across the room, as if it were a discus.

In a miracle of luck, Fitz is saved...to an extent. The picture flies right under Queen Tilapia's pelvis, at one side. Spinning in fast motion, it somehow slices off her right leg. Blood spews from the cut as it's made.

Queen Tilapia bellows, and cripples over, but doesn't fall. She's been hurt.

Behind her, the picture continues its trip around the room. Spinning like a discus, it flies into the kitchen. From the ceiling over the island, many metal pots and pans hang. Still airborne, the painting knocks them all off their hooks, as if they were upside-down metal dominoes.

Like a boomerang, the painting starts heading back towards its thrower. Concerned, Fitz spreads his hands out, and prepares to catch it...

The need is robbed of him, as the painting, instead, flies right into the brooding Queen Tilapia's back. It shatters, wood, glass, and all, against her back. To that, she doesn't react. The impact doesn't seem to hurt her.

The canvas is left adrift in the air. It gently floats to the floor, like a parachute, and lands atop Queen Tilapia's severed leg, covering it like a blanket.

A picture of a leg lying over a severed real one; this is almost inspirational...

"Fitz!" Exhausted and afraid, Liv still hangs from Fitz's hair. "Fitz, could you let me down? I can't hold on!"

Fitz runs to the couch, as Queen Tilapia still broods. He rolls the couch over on its back, uncovering a shotgun case that lies beneath. He unlatches it, and puts the damn thing together. Once he's loaded it, he runs back to Queen Tilapia to give her a piece of his mind.

He empties one of its barrels at her. The shell shatters to powder, against her hide. It doesn't damage her. Standing on one leg, she slowly raises her head, and glares at Fitz.

"THAT WAS A WARNING SHOT, BITCH," Fitz shouts. "NOW LEAVE! AND DON'T COME BACK!" He sighs. "I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT KIND OF AMMO IS CAPABLE OF HURTING YOU, BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT I WILL GLADLY SEARCH THE WHOLE PLANET JUST TO FIND IT!"

Queen Tilapia sighs, and flips Fitz the bird, with her fin. It's still got knives impaled in it.

With that, she hops outside, into the night, on one leg. She leaves her fallen one behind, laid to rest beneath a painting of Mrs. Robinson's leg.

Fitz draws an easy breath, unloads the shotgun, and drops it. He then relieves Liv, just as she's about to let go from fatigue.

Fitz wakes. It was all a dream. Next to him, Ms. Ophir snores. Figures; Liv make come and go into his life, but some things just never change...

Once again, Fitz notices the poster of Abraham Lincoln charging a vampire, that hangs on the ceiling above his bed. He shudders, and lies on his side. He has no idea who hung that poster there. And he has no idea what the fuck they were thinking...

"I left Cyrus and his tank mates in the Grey House alone," he whispers to himself. I might not still have my job when I get back." He looks around, and thinks about what horrors creep around in the shadows around the fort, waiting to take a shot at him. "If I get back," he adds...