Fook Yu, I'm Dead!
My name was Fook Yu, and I lived most of my life in the jungles near a bridge between the human realm and the land of the cultivators and ancient beasts, surviving by sneaking up on travelers and robbing them of all their possessions!
Hah! I was really an unstoppable demon!
And for almost 40 years I continued, without being caught! Because of my reputation, the people of the nearby villages spoke of me in tones of reverence, like I was some mythical ogre that needed slaying!
They would send packs of vicious dogs after me, but I would smear myself in spirit bear piss I collected in jars, to trick their noses!
They would send hunters, but I would lay traps to lure them through!
Sometimes high spirit rank cultivators would even be hired to vanquish me, but I still proved to be far too clever; because you see, those prissy cultivators usually dress in fancy clothes, so it's a dead giveaway. Yet even those who tried to outsmart me, by dressing the part of commoners in dirty wool cloths, could never manage to do so!
I would observe them through the cover of the jungle, that I knew like the back of my hand...
I would see the way they carried themselves..
The glimmer in their eyes, of pure unbridled confidence, as they pretended to look around, all innocent-like...
Hah! I have a knack for reading people, you see. Even though I'm not a cultivator, it's almost supernatural: the way I can divine a person's true intents through their faces and body gestures.
However, even such an incredible power has its limitations.
As such, the day eventually came...
A day that started out just like any other day...
I had just gotten back from washing myself in the river, to prowl at one of my usual spots: behind a rock where there's some coarse brush to hide in, and on the other side is a clear view of the road from the mystical bridge that paves through my jungle.
I didn't have to wait long, crouching there, with my curved saber drawn, for someone to approach...
Huh? Is that someone...
Humming?
I peered out from behind the rock, and that's when I first laid my eyes upon her:
It was a little girl, skipping and humming down the trail, all by her lonesome! She was dressed in a cute flower dress, with her hair all tied up in bouncy ringlets, swinging a weaved basket overstuffed with herbs in her hand as she continued along on her merry way.
Herbs! I wondered if that included some of the good stuff.
Eagerly I trailed behind her, further into the jungle, keeping to the trees and bushes to remain undetected--waiting for the right opportunity to strike.
This ogre wasn't beneath attacking little girls, after all!
Especially not if they were carrying herbs!
The jungle was vast, and dense. Many spirit animals lived here--bleeding in from the land of the cultivators. It's generally safe to travel through for that very reason, though, as the spirit animals are said to possess the wisdom of a thousand sages, and so won't attack people unless severely provoked.
It was just too bad for the many travelers I'd robbed--
That I wasn't a "spirit" ogre!
So, I was following the skipping girl, my head hurting at the obnoxious jolly tune she kept humming over and over again--until finally, she and the awful humming both stopped.
I remember it was a pleasant glade, full of flowers blowing in the light breeze...
Hah! I once stabbed a guy in those flowers!
The girl was kneeling, to pick up and sniff at one with white petals.
It was...cute...
Still! I wouldn't let it distract me!
I would carve that little girl in two for some good herb, if I really had to!
As she was knelt with her back turned--
I slowly crept behind her, with my weapon drawn--
All I had to do...was get in close--
Close enough to hold the blade up, nice and snug, against her cute neck--
And then in a nice, clear, calm voice--
Threaten to CHOP her CUTE LITTLE HEAD OFF, if she didn't hand over those sweet, sweet herbs!
Hey, but wait a second!
What was the point of going through all that?
If she was just a little girl--
I could simply just walk up and steal them, right from under her nose!
So, I went ahead and did just that...
Or, at least, I attempted to--
Because as my hand gripped the handle of the basket, she turned to me sharply--and there, in her eyes, I immediately recognized the error of my ways:
For, this sweet, cute, innocent little girl..
Possessed THE EYES--
The exact same EYES of a high spirit rank cultivator!
EYES that crackled with thunder!
EYES with pupils that swirled with the frightening ferocity of a monsoon!
The eyes, of someone--
That could totally kick my ass!
I lifted my saber to defend myself, but by then it was already too late.
She unleashed a blinding fast flurry of punches, hammering the shape of her fist into my glorious ogre gut a million times over, pulverizing every bone they contacted into powdery debris!
My eyes rolled into the back of my head...
Blood fountained out of my mouth, splashing with each individual hit...
That proud ogre: now a big, fat punching bag!
Once she'd eventually run out of bones in that part of me to break, however--
She twisted my arms, and bent my legs.
She slapped me one hundred and seventy times, in rapid succession, as I could hear my own neck snap with each massive strike: repeatedly shattering my skull's connection with the spine, then fixing it, by repeatedly snapping it back into place with each successive slap in the other direction, thus keeping me barely alive, and conscious--
Only so that she could prolong my suffering!
Until, finally, when I guess she'd at last gotten her fill of violence, she grabbed me with both hands and lifted me, effortlessly, above her head:
One seizing my neck, and the other by the--
A-HAH! WE SHALL NOT SAY IT--
Then FLUNG me, with the level of power only a supreme high spirit rank cultivator could possess--
Landing me facefirst into a tree!
And I slid, most painfully, down the trunk of that tree...
Landing in a pathetic, crumpled pile, on the hard ground; and it was there, the legendary bandit ogre of the mythical jungle would be doomed to remain, and perish!
Beaten, broken, and battered...beyond belief...
My face was pointed skyward...
As, already, I could see the Heavens being opened up to me and--
Hah! Yeah right.
I knew it was straight to Hell for an awful piece of shit like me!
It was then, the little girl crossed my vision--
She was staring down at me, screwing up her face with contempt.
"My name..is Mei Rei Mei." She said firmly, giving a graceful bow as would befit an upperclass young lady; before continuing, with her voice fallen to an angry, low growl between gritted teeth, "remember my name, filthy srupid ogre, because I wish for you to find me again in Hell, so that I can break you into FUCKING pieces again, in the afterlife!"
Eugh...
Cocky little brat!
She only beat me because of her high rank!
As a final parting gift, she stomped on my leg (joke's on her--it was already so broken I couldn't feel anything!) and then left me there, to die...
Slowly...agonizingly...
As birds gathered around, to peck at my swollen, bruised face...
And spirit birds meditated, on my behalf.
...
...
Having told his entire death's story--
To a golden-robed sage, seated on a cloud before him, with a radiant orb of sunlight revolving at his back--
Fook Yu waits, to hear a reaction.
"Well? Am I going to go straight to Hell now or what, old man?"
Squinting his eyes in deep concentration, the golden sage strokes his great, flowing, silver beard that seemingly flows without end from his chin, in a cascading waterfall--down into the vast unknowable void of unblemished gold that lie beneath, and expands all around the pair.
"Hell would be the obvious answer," he says, pausing to take another quick hit from his opium pipe, then giggling--shaking his supremely divine shoulders with giddy delight.
"However! I'm feeling-unusual-today!"
Fook Yu raises an eyebrow of skepticism. "Are you certain you're in the right mental state to make such a decision?"
The golden sage gives a drunken nod. "I will see to it that you are reincarnated on Earth as a man of peerlessly handsome looks, blessed with supremely divine and godly cultivation powers."
Fook Yu's mouth hangs open in amazement.
"Old man...what could I have possibly done to deserve such gifts!?"
In life, Fook Yu had been hideously ugly! And perhaps it was for this very reason he embraced his ogre title so joyfully--because he actually looked and even smelled like one!
But, to be reincarnated as a handsome devil...
Fook Yu couldn't be more excited!
He would surely cultivate all the women he could get his hands on at once!
"However--"The golden sage abruptly says as Fook Yu is in the thrall of these joyous thoughts, holding up his mighty, wrinkled hand filled with magnitudinous grace and powerful cultivation powers of "slapping down fools' egos."
"Along with all these gifts, I shall impart unto you: That which is considered by all the great, divine sages of wisdom to be the most "cursed" of all cultivation methods."
Fook Yu straightens up, listening intently.
"Eh? A cursed cultivation method?"
Of course there had to be a catch! He thinks.
But, no matter! Whatever it was, it couldn't possibly make his new life any worse than living as a brigand in a jungle, drenched in spirit bear piss!
"I might even be able to get revenge on that snotty little brat--Mei Rei Mei!"