Pretend

"Miraj.."

I had no words, nothing to say. I had never seen my husband like this. So broken, so scared.

It had barely been two minutes since he came in and I don't even know how our conversation resulted into this.

He turned around to face the wall.

"Miraj."

I called his name again because I still didn't know what to say. My hands were itching to be put around him and give him a hug. So that's what I did. And once I put my arms around his waist from the back I realised I was giving him assurance that I was still here. Still with him.

He rubbed his palm where my hands joined at his front and we stayed like that for maybe a few minutes. I wasn't sure of the time because I was busy breathing in my husband's scent and calming my heart.

No words were spoken but that embrace spoke for how much we needed each other in that moment. We were one another's safety net which was very rare in the kind of world we lived in. The longer I hugged him the more I understood his fear.

He only had Ari and me. He was at war with his own father. If something were to happen to us, he would be in pain and he would be alone. I understood that. I wasn't a stranger to loneliness or lack of people who were your family. I was just surprised that we actually meant this much to him. That is why I was so lost at first and didn't even think about planning a surprise trip in such tensed times.

Miraj has almost always been a very composed man when it came to his emotions. I had seen him kill in cold blood with a smile on his face, I had seen him break bones in anger and I had seen him smile with love at our son. But never had I seen him in pain. Today, he was in pain.

"I am sorry," I said after coming to my realisation. "You're right. We should know each other's whereabouts at all times. We are the ones starting this mess so we should obviously be more careful. I wasn't thinking, Miraj. I just wanted to get away from.. her."

And there it was. My fear. I just wanted to get my little family away from Tatiana. It was so scary to tell him, so scary to be.. vulnerable. But seeing him in pain because he was just as afraid of losing his family, my fear meant nothing. He understood what it meant to be alone and he understood the joy in having people to care for. He understood the me I tried to hide the most.

I was jolted away from my thoughts when he removed my hands from around him and pushed me away so he could turn around.

"I think I should go. You need to rest. You have work tomorrow?" He asked as he looked towards my work papers scattered on the couch. I did have work tomorrow and I should rest but I wasn't ready to let go of him yet. Not when I had just gained some clarity about how much he meant to me.

I held him by his wrist as he moved to leave.

"Don't go just yet. I need you, Miraj."

I couldn't just slither into his arms again and ask for comfort. I couldn't just tell him to let me smell him and listen to his heartbeat because it calms me. I couldn't just ask him to rub circles on my back because it brings me the sweetest of dreams in my sleep.

But what I could do was put my arms around him and kiss him. I could touch every nook and cranny of his body as long as I didn't let my feelings be known. I could make his heart race while he felt pleasure and pretend it was all I wanted. I could love him the way I wanted him to love me.